Who let the horse out?

“Hey, here comes Gordon. Oh no, he forgot to zip up his pants.”

“Well, I think one of the guys should tell him. Not us girls.”

“There is not one man around. You know they never get to breakfast until 9 o’clock.”

“You tell him Minnie. You know how to talk to people.”

“Ok. Hey Gord, getting a little drafty, isn’t it?”

“Huh? I think it is hot in here. No air circulating at all.”

“Uhm, what’s the old saying? XYZ? Hahahah.”

“What the hell you talking about Minnie? You aren’t making any sense this morning. I have to get coffee.”

“So much for that. I think you ought to talk to him, Wolf.”

“All right. I guess I can try.”

“Hey Gordon, do you remember that song, ‘Who Let the Dogs Out?’”

“Yeah, so?”

“I guess somebody left the door open.”

“So what’s your point?”

“You know, if you leave the barn door open, the horse will get out.”

“You women are really ridiculous. The song was about dogs, not horses.”

“Yeah, well, what you doing for lunch Gordon? Going to the home of the whopper?”

“What the hell is so funny? Thank God, here comes Frank. At least he makes sense, most of the time.”

“Hey Frank, what’s up?”

“ Hi Gordon, not much. By the way, your pants aren’t zipped.”

“Thank Buddy. Hey, the girls are going to Burger King for lunch. Sounds pretty good. I haven’t had a whopper in years. Wanna go?”

Wolf

Cold eggs

The new guy at the home showed up at breakfast wearing a suit and tie. He made his way to every table, shaking our hands, and introducing himself as Willie. We were cordial and welcomed him and made a few remarks about being overdressed. Willie just smiled and said, “I like to look nice. I believe that a good day starts out with looking good.”

Willie asked the group if he could say grace. He stood in the front of the room and asked us to bow our heads. When he finished, we thought he would sit down, but no such luck. Willie wanted us to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. We all stood up and faced the flag, and did as he said. Then he asked for one more thing: Could we please sing the Star Spangled Banner? Before we could answer, Willie was at the piano, singing and playing, and we all joined in.

By this time, our eggs were getting cold, so we sat down to eat. Well, forget it. Not with Willie around. He brought out a bag of labels, and asked us to pass them around. Could we please write our name on the label and wear them, so he could get to know us better? We cooperated and attached our labels, and asked Willie if he thought we should eat, before our breakfast got cold.

Never ask Willie anything. He grabbed a microphone and started a tirade about the starving people in some foreign place. He had a slide projector and started showing us pictures of emaciated kids. He rattled on about the selfishness of the world, and how we had it in our power to change these conditions.

Betty spoke up and called Willie a showboat. Frank told him he was a candy ass, and a dandy. And Norma, well, she called him a nincompoop. George told Willie to sit down and shut up, and that the good people of this home were having breakfast, and that he was not going to ruin it for us. After all, Seniors love their food.

We never did see Willie again. We heard that he had been kicked out of several other homes, for being a nuisance and a blabber mouth. Once in awhile, someone will mention the Willie incident, and we all laugh.

The lesson to be learned: When you come into someone’s home, you should respect those that live there, and who enjoy their daily routine. And never trust anyone who wears a suit to breakfast.

Wolf

Harvey and Darla

When Darla came into the dining room, at the Autumn Years Rest Home, it was lunch time. She was wearing her pajamas and a robe. This is not acceptable. Everyone has to be dressed to eat lunch.

She sat at a table by herself, in the back, and seemed to be in a trance. She did not go through the line, to choose her lunch, which consisted of either a chef’s salad or a Salisbury steak, with mashed potatoes and peas. The clock was ticking. She had 10 minutes to get in line for her food, but she made no attempt to get her lunch.

Being the nosy Seniors that we are, Minnie and I approached her table.
We got a whiff of Darla, and retreated. The smell of bourbon was overwhelming. We noticed that Darla had a flask in her hand. It was a silver flask in the shape of an elephant. Darla was drinking from the trunk.

Frank went over to her table and asked her if anything was wrong. She bleated. I mean, bleated, just like an elephant. Frank told her she better be careful as the elephant hunters might find her and bag her.

Darla stopped bleating for a moment and said: “Bag? Are you insin, insis, insisiating, that I am a bag?”

Frank shook his head and said, “My dear, I didn’t say that. But now that you mention it, you could be. But you most certainly are at least half in the bag.”

This incident created quite a stir in the dining room. By now, at least 25 of us were crowded around Darla’s table, watching her drink from the silver elephant, bleating.

And then she rose from the table, with her elephant and said, “Come on Harvey, we are going to my room.”

Harvey? Who was Harvey?

With glassy eyes, Darla said, “Harvey is my telephant, I mean, my pelatant. You know what I mean.”

Darla and her elephant swayed uneasily through the room, towards the door. She fumbled with the handle, bleating. Unfortunately it was the wrong door. It was the food closet.

Undaunted, Darla and Harvey closed the door behind them. They stayed in there until dinner time. We were gathered in the dining room, eating, with one eye on the food closet door, when it opened, and out came Harvey and Darla.

They walked to the food line and Darla ordered a hamburger and fries. The two of them sat at the back table. Darla only ate half of her burger. She walked back up to the food line, and asked for an elephant bag. Then she and Harvey walked out of the dining room…. Bleating.

Wolf

Where is Williamsport?

Monday morning at the Autumn Hills Rest Home

“Well, now what? The Little League World Series is over for another year.”

“Sad, isn’t it? We all enjoyed the games so much.”

“Hey, next year, let’s go to Williamsport and watch the games.”

“Where is Williamsport? In Virginia?”

“No, you idiot, it’s in Pennsylvania.”

“Hmmm. Wonder where in Pennsy?”

“Yea, Pennsylvania only has 3 cities: Pittsburgh, Philly and Harrisburg. The rest of it is all Amish.”

“What about Gettysburg? That’s in Pennsylvania.”

“That was bombed out during the war.”

“What war? Not the civil war. They didn’t have bombs then.”

“Well, you know what I mean.”

“My cousin lives in PA, in Scranton.”

“Is he Amish?”

“Gee, I really don’t know. I haven’t heard from him in years.”

“That’s because he has no telephone. No electricity, no car, just a horse and buggy.”

“But boy, can they cook. I stopped once in Lancaster and had the best meal.”

“Like what? What did you eat?”

“Well, it was a large restaurant and they had a tremendous buffet, with all kinds of wonderful food, and the best desserts.”

“No kidding. Let’s go there instead. Where is that in Pennsy?”

“I’m not sure. But it was in Amish country.”

“Big help that is. Pennsylvania is a big state. How are we gonna find that restaurant?”

“Is it near Williamsport?”

“I don’t have the foggiest idea. I thought Williamsport was in Ohio.”

“So much for that idea. We better stay here and watch the series on TV.”

“Yea, we might get lost in Amish country, eating, and with no electricity, we couldn’t even see the game.”

“Such a shame. A big state like that, and no TV.”

Wolf

Bartering

“Our rooms are getting a little messy. Why don’t we have a yard sale and clear out the clutter?”

“Ok. Let me see what I can get rid of.”

“Let’s all get 2 items we want to put in the sale and meet back here at 5pm.”

“Well, here we are. 5 o’clock. Let’s see what we have.”

“You first, Minnie.”

“Sure. I am going to sell my pink robe and my garnet ring.”

“What? I love that pink robe. I’ll trade you for my blue robe.”

“Great! It’s a deal.”

“Wait a minute. Your garnet ring? How about swapping it for my pearl ring?”

“Super. I always wanted a pearl ring.”

“What about you Gloria?”

“I have an extra TV, so I am gonna sell the small one. And I am tired of my quilt, so that is going too.”

“Hey, I need a TV. Want to exchange it for a micro wave?”

“Perfect. I don’t have a micro wave.”

“And I need a quilt, I really do. I have an electric blanket I was gonna sell. Want to trade?”

“Oh my gosh, yes! I planned to buy one with the money I got from the quilt.”

“Hey George, what about those cowboy boots? Are they a size 10?”

“Yup. I’ll give them to you, if I can have that hat.”

“Hey, you know what? Let’s forget about that yard sale. This is more fun.”

“Ya. Hey Frank, I have a 7 foot stuffed bear. What you got?”

Wolf

The last dance

“What in the world is wrong with George? He says he is tired of living and ready to give it up.”

“Ah, who knows? George is a pessimist.”

“No, he isn’t. He is just tired of being old, and not having anything to look forward to.”

“Don’t start with that. We all are old, and getting older. So that is a very poor excuse. I mean, old age is part of the movie.”

“The movie? Come on. You are ridiculous, with that movie stuff. That went out with the Sopranos.”

“No, it didn’t. Seniors are in the mature phase of living.”

“And it sucks.”

“Speak for yourself. I happen to enjoy my golden years.”

“Why? You are confined to a wheel chair, have an oxygen tank, and can’t eat worth a damn.”

“So? Am I complaining?”

“You should be. You are a mess.”

“Let’s put it this way. I lived my life. I went to school, got a degree, had several very interesting jobs, fell in love, got married, had children, grandchildren, great grands, and am in a wonderful home, with all kinds of friends.”

“Yes, you really did have a great run.”

“And it isn’t over yet. Not until the fat lady sings.”

“Don’t tell George that. I heard Diane singing today. And she is a grocery hound.”

“Hey, let’s all sing.”

“Yea, hey, George, get on that piano. Play us some memories.”

“If you knew Susie…….”

“George, that was great. How about another?”

“You are my sunshine……”

“Geez, that brings back memories.”

“Can I make a request?”

“Ok, what would you like, Diane?”

” How about this one. Peggy Lee sang it. I think it was: Is that all there is?”

“Diane, you idiot. Go back to eating.”

“Go eat an apple pie, you goof.”

Wolf

I want mine rare

“Well, I see you went shopping for groceries today. How come?”

“I knew the home was having meatloaf tonight and I want steak.”

“Excuse me!! So, how do you plan to fix a steak? And to eat it in front of all of us meatloaf eaters?”

“I got a little grill, table top. And it was on sale, 50% off.”

“Ok, so did you get charcoal?”

“Yea, I did.”

“And you really are gonna grill that steak? And not expect all of us to want a bite?”

“I didn’t think about that.”

“You better go back to the market and get steaks for all of us.”

“You know I can’t afford that.”

“Well, I will take up a collection. How’s that? Anyone who wants steak, can chip in, let’s say $7.00 each.”

“All right. But hurry up. I am starving.”

“Here. $140 smackers. 20 of us will be waiting.”

“Hey, here she comes, with the steaks.”

“I want mine rare.”

“I can’t eat it unless you make mine well done.”

“I don’t want a burnt steak. So, make mine medium.”

“Can I have mushrooms with mine?”

“Ok, she is serving them now. Super!”

“Great idea! These are delicious.”

“Hey, how come you aren’t eating with us?”

“I have to grill mine now.”

“Ooops, the dog next door just took off with your steak.”

“Are you serious? Oh noooooo!”

“So sorry!. We enjoyed our steaks so much, but don’t worry, there is plenty of meatloaf left.”

Wolf

And the Winner is….

“Hey, did you hear? Minnie won tickets to see Bob Dylan at the county fair. They drew her name on the radio.”

“Bob Dylan? Is he still around? I thought he retired. Or went home to Minnesota.”

“Naw, he is still singing.”

“Is that what you call it? I’m sorry, but I don’t call that singing.”

“I would rather see Anne Murray.”

“Not me, I prefer Frank Sinatra.”

“Come on guys, Frank’s gone, Anne is, well, she is not around either, as far as I know. So, let’s congratulate Minnie.”

“Here she comes now.”

“Hey Lucky! So, you are going to see the old boy at the fair. Nice!”

“Yes, I thought I would take my grand daughter, but she said she doesn’t know who Bob Dylan is. Can you imagine?”

“So who are you taking?”

“Well, I don’t want to play favorites, so I thought I would hold a raffle. You know, a dollar a chance.”

“Oh. A dollar? Well, count me out. I wouldn’t go to see him if he paid me a dollar.”

“Me either. He is a has been.”

“As far as I’m concerned, he never was.”

“He is too boring for me. Just stands around and talks, and pretends he is singing.”

“Ok. I won’t charge a dollar. Just put your name in a hat and I will pull out the winner.”

“Now you’re talking.”

“Yes! I hope I win. I love that old boy.”

“I’m in.”

“C‘mon, pull my name, Minnie. I’m his biggest fan.”

Wolf

Fifi

“What’s wrong with you, Laura?”

“Nothing. Just a little depressed, I guess.”

“How come?”

“Well, Frank was supposed to go to the dollar store with me today, but he was all choked up over his cat.”

“Not Fifi? Oh no. That cat is his pride and joy.”

“Yes, Fifi is not eating. Just lays outside, under the deck. Won’t even drink water.”

“Did he take Fifi to the vet?”

“Not yet. He just watches the cat, hoping she will eat. Brings her food and water, and stays by her side, while Fifi sleeps in a ball, all curled up.”

“Good thing Fifi has a few pounds on her. She is one fat cat.”

“Not anymore. Frank says her sides are caving in.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“This is the third day for Fifi, no food, no water.”

“Hey, wait a minute. Isn’t that Fifi walking around, by her food dish?”

“Why it is!! Call Frank, right now. Fifi is back inside, and laying by the food dish.”

“Frank! Frank! Fifi is walking around, looking for food.”

“Oh my God, there she is, drinking water.”

“I see Frank now, petting Fifi.”

“Yikes. Fifi just bit Frank.”

“Hurry up. Bring her a dish of Fancy Feast.”

“Look at that. She is drinking the gravy.”

“She never did like the food, only the juice.”

“Frank smiled. Fifi bit him and he smiled. What’s up with that?”

“Frank?”

“That damn cat. She is always tormenting me. I wonder sometimes why I even bother with her. I have half a mind to return her to the cat shelter.”

“So does this mean we can go to the dollar store tomorrow?”

“Of course. I don’t give a damn about this cat.”

Wolf

The Conference Call

“Hello? Yes.”

“Yes, Steve, here.”

“Huh? Uhm, no I…I….”

“Sure, ok, I …..”

“But, wait….”

“Yes, I realize that.”

“Well, technically, it was late.”

“But. But. But.”

“Yes, of course, yes, I know, but.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interupt.”

“I can tell you……”

“Yes, Sir, I know Sir.”

“I did promise the customer that I would….”

“No, I know I did it. I am so sorry.”

“Well, I guess it was my fault, but…”

“Yes, I do know better, but.”

“No, I won’t do it again.”

“I apologize.”

“Yes, good call. We all learned a good lesson.”

“Thank you.”

“Whew”

“Hey, Steve, another conference call, eh?”

“Yea, another conference call.”

“So, when do they take you out back and shoot you?”

Wolf