Skeletons in the closet

A bunch of us girls went to a strip joint the other night, just for laughs. And lo and behold, there he was: my boss, in drag. He had tried desperately to camoflauge his looks: He had on a hat, just like the one Aretha Franklin wore to the Inauguration, and a white jumpsuit. He was sporting red patent leather shoes and red gloves. His choice of jewelry was a choker collar with red gems

At first I didn’t recognize him, but he drew attention to himself when he glanced our way,  and  immediately dove under the table . He hit his head on the table, and his hat flew off, along with his blonde wig. There he was crawling around on the floor retrieving his locks and hat, when one of the strippers spotted him. She walked over to his wig and stepped on it. He pulled and tugged on the wig until it tore apart. He was on the floor, with half a wig, trying to get it back on his head, while attempting  to maintain his dignity. And in the process, his shoes came off his feet and scooted across the floor, to land right by our table. Picture this:  My boss scrunched down, hunched over near the floor,  feeling his way in the dark, to get to our table to get his shoes.  And then, more humiliation:  A guy at another table poured a whiskey sour on him when he passed him by. The guy was hollering, “Get away from me, you pervert.”

I decided to come to his rescue, and held up his shoes, and said, “Dear? Are these what you are looking for?”

That did it. My boss got up, ran across the room, with the spotlight following his every move. He had that silly half a wig on his head, no shoes, and his white jumpsuit was soaked in whiskey. He tried to open the door, but it was the fire door and it was locked. He was banging fiercely on the door, when the bouncers stepped in. They hoisted him up between them and escorted him to the exit. All the while, my boss was screaming, in a falsetto voice, ” I demand my rights. This is no way to treat a lady.”

I still have his shoes and hat. I think I will return them to him Monday morning. I will leave them on his desk, remind him that I am overdue for a hefty raise, and leave it at that. Oh, and I might ask him if I can borrow the jumpsuit. It was pretty hot.




This little piggy went to market….

I need to go on a diet. Help me please BW, I just have to lose weight. I am not just fat, I am downright disgusting. I have only one pair of pants that still fit me and the buttons on my blouses have all popped out. Even my socks feel tight. I have busted the driver’s seat in my car and have to sit in the backseat or the passenger seat when I am driving. And do you know how difficult it is to drive when you can’t reach the gas and brake pedals? My daughter is getting married next month and I want to look slim and trim for the wedding. OOPs, just a minute, the pizza delivery guy is at the door. OK, back.

Now, getting back to the issue, I have really tried to cut back, but I don’t seem to be successful. I have kept track of what I have been eating, for your review. For today, this is what I had to eat: Prior to breakfast, I woke up at 3am, and my hand automatically reached out for a candy bar. I slapped my hand and said, “No.” But the hand had already unwrapped the candy bar, and I didn’t want to waste it, so I ate it. Actually, I ate 3. That damn hand.

Then for breakfast, I fixed a few waffles. The multi grain type. Very healthy. And I fried some bacon. But the bacon all got stuck together and I had to put the whole package in the pan. Did you know that when you fry bacon, it separates itself? And the health books say that fruit is great for diets, so I polished off a fruit cake with my waffles and bacon.

For a snack, around 10a, I was hungry as a bear. And as you know, when you are on a diet, you should only eat when you are hungry. Since I was at work, I had to eat at my desk. So I opened my lunch bag, and ate a couple peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You can’t eat sandwiches without chips, so I waddled out to the vending machine for a bag of chips and noticed that there was a new machine, that had ice cream sandwiches for sale. I bought a couple to see if they were any good, and then settled in til noon, for lunch.

 I waited until I was hungry, and at 12:15, I had to go out to get something to eat, since I had eaten my lunch earlier. I believe in saving money and had a few coupons for KFC and McD’s. I opted for McD’s and when I pulled up to order my food, I saw that the Super Saver Meal was a very good bargain, so I ordered a big Mac and extra large fries, and said very loudly, “AND a DIET coke.” I was so proud of myself. And I had saved $2.00.

 I skipped the afternoon break. Well, almost. Someone was selling Girl Scout Cookies and I just couldn’t refuse the kid, so I bought a package of the thin mints and polished them off. Notice: Thin mints. Very healthy.

I have not had dinner yet, but I have worked myself into a sweaty frenzy writing to you, so I ordered a pizza. I called the place that sends you 2 pizzas when you order a Deluxe 4 Meat pizza, and I decided to eat only one of them and to save the other for a snack tonight. As you can see, I am really trying. What am I doing wrong?

Your desperate friend,

Tina Small

Dear Ms Small, Look dear, I know you are trying……Trying to turn into an elephant, hahahaah.

 But on the upside, the grocery business will continue to thrive in this awful economy, with you around. Way to go.


(oink oink)

 Banana Wolf

Who let the dogs out?

What does “Who Let the Dogs out” really mean?

Yes, it’s an old song, a one hit wonder, but everytime I hear it, I wonder if there is a hidden meaning to the words. It is supposedly a song about guys on the make at a party, so are they the dogs? Or are the women at the party just plain ugly and are being referred to as dogs? Maybe there are just too many dogs at the party, and the main dog is not having much luck, prowling around. Is letting the dogs out meaning the cat is out of the bag, so to speak? And what about the reference to bones? Hmmmm.

Somehow this song got tied up with sports. And there are teams that have adopted this song, just as they adopt mascots. And one can never tell, on any given Sunday, just who the dogs will be, until the final snap of the ball.

How about the person who removes his shoes and the smell is overpowering? Are those the dogs? Or the contestants on Idol , you know, the one that are called “dawgs”. I often wonder who let them out.

Is the letting of the dogs similar to the letting of the bulls? And do the lyrics imply that whoever let those dogs out will be hunted down, like, ummm, dogs and ultimately found?  And if found, then what?

This song is a question left unanswered. So, in all fairness, and to put this question to rest, I have to confess.  Who let the dogs out?  I did.


A guy named what?

Jan 27, 2009

My girlfriend is divorced, but has a new boyfriend. I asked her what his name is, and she said, “Guy”.
I said, “Ok, he’s a guy. But what’s his name?” She said, “Guy”. “Ok, but what’s that short for?” She said,
“Nothing, it’s just Guy….really”. I said, “Well, maybe his full name is Guyana, or Guyman, but just Guy?”

What if he were gay, would he be called gay Guy? or if he was elderly…old Guy? And if he is out in a crowd and someone yells, “Hey Guy?” , would he answer? I just can’t picture them kissing and my friend, whispering, “I am crazy about you, Guy”. If she gets mad at him, can you just hear her saying, “Listen to me Guy, you are a bad Guy”. And if they get married, would they name their first son after him? Little Guy? The poor  kid, can you imagine him playing with the other kiddies at day care, and it is time for a nap: Ok Billy and Tammy and Hannah and uhmmm Guy. Grab your blankies.”. What the heck would you call a kid who was named Guy? He has an old name at 3 years old. And at 15, I would think the young hotties would pass him by, just on his name.

I got to meet Guy the other day. I said, “Hi Guy, nice to meet you Guy.” And then I started to laugh. I couldn’t help it. I kept thinking about this “guy” with the name Guy, and I just blurted out. “Is your dog’s name Dog?”
Guy didn’t get it. He said, “I don’t have a dog, but I have a cat, named Kitty”. Figures. Then I noticed Guy had a twitch. I didn’t want to ask him about it, and I didn’t have to. My friend took me aside and said, “Guy has a nervous condition and is a little paranoid. He thinks everyone is talking about him.” Just then I heard, in the background, someone saying, “Ok Guy, let’s take it outside”. And poor Guy started to twitch.

This is a message for all you parents to be. Consider carefully before naming your kid. It could be a factor in his future.

Oh, and Guy’s last name: Bushy.  Now that’s another story, for another time.