Don’t ask

Why do I ask stupid questions? I already know the answers. And I really don’t want to hear the answers. But I do it anyway.

A friend calls from Florida. It is January, and I look outside and it is snowing and blowing. I say: “How’s the weather in Florida?”

My mother-in-law recently had surgery. I say, “How are you feeling?”

My co-worker had a run-in with his supervisor and got suspended. I say, “How unfair was that?”

My dentist tells me to floss more often. I say, “Really, that will help?”

I hit a deer. The car is totaled. I ask, “Can it be repaired?”

The waitress asks if I want dessert. I say, “Do you have any low cal desserts?”

A customer tells me she is not happy and this is not the first time. I say, ” Could you tell me more?”

My friend just had a baby. I say, “How long were you in labor?”

10 of my co-workers go to lunch together. Matt and I were not invited. I say to Matt: ” What’s up with that?”

My nephew stops by and asks if I can lend him a few bucks. I say, “How much?”

I apply for a job. No response. I call and find out the job has been filled. I say, “Do you have any other openings?”

I hear a cat fight outside. I ask my husband, “Where are the cats?”

In the middle of a thunder and lightning storm, I hear a crash. My computer goes dead. I say, “What was that?”

My car stops in the middle of the road. I get it towed to the garage. I say, “Can I wait while you fix it?”

My taxes are due. I call the IRS. I say, “Can I skip this year?”

Dumb….. dumb…dumb.
















Strangely enough…

Strange things happened in my world today. The forecast was for a nice day, 50 degrees, sunny, with a slight chance of a brief snow shower. How about a brief sleet storm? Only 15 minutes of sleet, at that. And I felt my car sliding and slipping all over the road. Accidents were everywhere. All due to the sleet’s 15 minutes of fame.

 A large deer was hanging upside down, on a bridge, about a mile from work. Gee, there usually are no deer on that bridge. How unlucky for the deer, not to mention the driver. My friend, Joanne drove up behind me in a small yellow car. She said, “hey remember last year when you hit the deer? Well, now we are members of the same club. Did you see “my” deer over on the bridge?” And she had just purchased a snazzy new car. It was totaled and she was driving a rental.

 I pulled the lid off my coffee cup and it spilled over my sweater. Had to go home at noon and change.

 I ran out of blood pressure pills, and drove to the pharmacy. All the cash registers decided to crash. No way to get the pills. Come back later.

I had scheduled an oil delivery for today, and posted a note on the basement door: Come in : door’s open. I will be home around 530. The note fell off the door. No oil delivery.

 I stopped to get a 6 pack of beer. On my way out of the store, one of the beers slipped out of the plastic thingy and broke. Beer everywhere.

 I was asked to finish a report by 430pm. My computer froze and I lost all the data. I tried again, and the $#@$ computer kept freezing. At 630pm, I gave up and went home. No report.

My tooth is still hurting from the root canal that I had on Monday. If I touch that tooth, I have searing pain. I tried to eat a cookie. It touched the tooth. No cookie.

 The wind had done a number on my roof. The insurance guy showed up and gave me a check. Later, he called and said, “Don’t cash that check. I gave you too much money.”

Can’t eat, have no oil, no money, no pills, half a roof, and no report finished…… but on a positve note, I still have those 5 beers.


New Leaf

That’s it. I am turning over a new leaf. I will no longer criticize my co workers. I will suffer in silence. A martyr, that’s me. Until the day began…

When Jackie came in late, and missed the morning meeting, I took over for her. I silently called her a stupid ass, and before I knew it, my mouth opened and I said it. I slapped my mouth shut, but it was too late.

When Tony spilled coffee over my finished report, I calmly told him that it was no problem. Then I grabbed my bottle of water and dumped it on his head. I told him I thought he was my chia pet and he needed watering. So sorry.

When Shirley came in wearing skin tight pants and a sweater that was 2 sizes too small, I covered my head with a paper bag. But the bag did not conceal my uncontrollable laughter.

When the phone rang, and it was that horribly boring Linda, I pretended my phone was out of order and yelled : ” I don’t know who this is, but my phone went dead, Linda.” OOOPs, shouldn’t have mentioned her name.

When George stood at my desk and ate all the candy out of my dish, I calmly mentioned that I had a constipation problem and that the candy was really ex lax.

When Jim was playing games on the internet, I called his boss, pretended I needed help, and would meet her at Jim’s desk.

Then I lost it. We had our afternoon meeting and Frank had taken his shoes off and was leaning back in his chair, I yelled, “Fire!” 4 people trampled Frank and he got a broken toe.

That new leaf just doesn’t suit me. I think I will go back to my old ways. I can’t stand being this nice.









An odorous situation

Another strong wind warning. Just what we need. I had trouble steering my car. There were tree limbs and wires down everywhere, not to mention a good portion of my roof. I stopped at the stop light and saw a dead skunk on the road. In a wild wind gust, the stinkball flew up and landed on the hood of my car. Oh great. Well, he won’t stay long, not with this wind. And for some dumb reason, I clicked on the wipers, thinking they would help him move off my car. Wrong move. Now the skunk was entrenched in between the wipers. I clicked again, but the wipers were stuck. I drove to the next stop light and created quite a scene. Other drivers rolled down their windows, and were pointing to the skunk. Thanks Buddy, for noticing. Most of the drivers were laughing and pointing and holding their noses. Real cute.

I drove off and noticed red lights and a siren behind me. The cop was young and very serious. He said, “You can’t drive with a skunk on your hood. It is blocking your view.” No kidding. I said, “Sorry, but I didn’t put him there.” And he told me: “Remove it at once.” I was not about to touch that dead stinker, so I grabbed my snow removal brush and attempted to separate him from my wipers. I was getting very nervous, as the cars passed, honking their horns and laughing. Hey, where is chivalry? Can’t one of you macho guys help?

The cop was back in his car and I thought I might get a ticket if I did not get Mr Skunk off my car, so I put on my gloves and peeled him off the window and placed him gently on the side of the road. The cop told me to move on.

Just then the wind decided to play havoc with that goofy skunk, and he flew up in the air again. I raced to my car and drove off. Behind me was the cop car, no lights or sirens this time. And on the roof of his car was the skunk. wrapped around his antenna!

There is justice, after all.