A No News Day

“Let’s not even bother with the news today.”

“Awww, come on, we always discuss the important events of the day.”

“Ok, here it goes: The beer summit took place outside, on the White House Lawn, so the media could watch 4 guys guzzling beer.”

“Hey, no more about that beer party, alright? We are tired of hearing about it. And besides, those guys looked so uncomfortable, sitting in the yard, in suits.”

“At least Joe took his jacket off.”

“Moving right along, no health care reform yet.”

“No news is bad news, in this case.”

“You hit it right on, sista. This is a no news day.”

“Why, what else didn’t happen?”

“Lou Dobbs is still harping on the president’s birthplace.”

“Some hotel in Mexico stole sand from the ocean.”

“Sarah Palin didn’t show up for a speaking engagement.”

“The government won’t buy your junker of a car.”

“Karl Rove is a liar.”

“It’s hot in Texas.”

“Wait. No more. Enough already.”

“Yea, let’s talk about some important stuff.”

“Ok, don’t say I told you, but a little bird told me that our coffee pot is not working.”

“What? Well, I sure hope they get a new one before tomorrow morning.”

“That is outrageous. I mean how can we discuss the important news of the day without coffee?”

“The way I see it, the coffee is the best thing about the news lately.”

“Hey, don’t sweat it, if we don’t have coffee, I will buy a case of beer”



Morning Coffee

Morning Coffee at the Home

“What’s really changed in this country? The newspapers are full of the racial problems again.”

“What do you mean? We elected a black President.”

“Yea, well, now he is being called a racist, by a reporter. I mean, when will this ever end?”

“Who? The female reporter who is facing prison time for wearing pants?”

“Or is that because of the Massachusetts professor incident?”

“No, it is Fox news: one of their reporters said it.”

“And that is front page news? Give me a break.”

“On a more grizzly note, a baby was kidnapped, out of its mother’s womb, and is still alive.”

“And a woman with no nose, got a nose built out of her arm.”

“What about health insurance? And medicare? That’s what I want to hear about.”

“Well, you better not hold your breath. The boys on the hill went on recess. And surprise, surprise, with no solution, no agreement.”

“Wait, here’s a good one. Hillary strong armed the Brits into not discussing the treatment of prisoners at Gitmo.”

“Is that how she broke her arm?”

“I bet she broke it when she hit Bill with a frying pan.”

“Isn’t there any good news?”

“Yes, Visa’s profits went up.”

“Give me that paper. I want to line the birdcage.”


Coffee Talk

Coffee Talk at the Home:

“What’s in the paper today? Any good news?”

“It’s all about squeezing today.”

“Squeezing? Like in hugging?”

“Nope, this squeezing is about taking money from us seniors.”

“You mean like scams?”

“I guess you could call it that. This time, the scam is coming from Washington. Those wonderful people we elected want to squeeze us right out of medicare.”

“Yea, I heard that. No money for old folks. They spent it all on the banks and GM.”

“So now what?”

“Don’t get sick. That’s all. Just don’t get sick.”

“Don’t be silly. I know I will get sick, sometime. And if I don’t have any insurance, I guess I will tell the doctors to send the bill to congress.”

“This country has no money. That’s what I heard. So let the mint print more.”

“No money? Then how come all the big parties at the white house?”

“You are absolutely right. And now I hear the president is inviting people to visit him to drink beer.”

“Yep, all our medicare dollars are going to the beer companies.”

“At least when W. was prez, he gave up drinking beer.”

“This is too depressing. Let’s go to the tanning salon and get a tan.”

“You didn’t hear? Tanning beds are worse than poison. Worse maybe than anthrax. They are sure bets for getting cancer.”

“And I just bought a membership. Doggone it. Now I will be as ghostly looking as Casper.”

“At least you won’t be profiled.”


“If you are acting suspicious, the cops won’t bother you. Even when you break into your own home.”

“Is that why Michael Jackson bleached himself?”

“He said he didn’t. He even said he never had plastic surgery.”

“Did he cut off his nose to spite his face, then?”

“No, but Sarah Palin did.”


Where have you been?

“Where have you been, Wolf? We have not seen you since the 4th of July.”

At least 20 times today, I was asked that same question. I decided to think up a different answer each time I was asked.

“I went to the desert on a horse with no name.”

“Someone told me Dunkin Donuts was giving out free donuts, and I had to wait in line.”

“The airplane had engine problems and we were on the tarmac for 20 days, 4 hours and 17 minutes, with no food, water or toilets.”

“I’ve been waiting for Billy Joel to show up for his concert with Elton John in upstate NY.”

“The movie theatre was showing a rerun of the OJ trial and I sat through the whole thing.”

“I ran into Bill O’Reilly and made the mistake of asking him why he hates liberals.”

“I went to Iowa to watch the corn grow.”

“I’ve been on tour after winning the ugliest dog contest. No, I don’t have a dog.”

“I took $20 to the casino, and played the penny slots, one penny at a time.”

“I was offered a ride to the grocery store in an Amish cart. The horse was a little old.”

And my final answer: “Does it really matter? I am baaaaaaaaaaack.”


The bikini

It’s here: 4th of July at the Autumn Years Home. We had breakfast together to share our plans for the day.

“My grandson is picking me up at noon, to go to his home for a picnic. And all the kids will be there. We will be playing volleyball, swimming and eating.”

“You will be swimming? And playing volleyball?”

“Of course. I am not that old, you know. I can still do those things.”

“Do you have a swimsuit?”

“Yes, it is an old one, but I still have it.”

“Does it fit?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t tried it on for a number of years.”

“Go get it and try it on.”

“OK, I’ll be right back.”

“Here she comes, with a robe over her suit. I can’t wait to see it.”

“You have to promise to be honest. How do I look?”

“Yikes! A 2 piece yet. Uhmm, did you check out the mirror?”

“No, I am asking you. Why? What’s wrong?”

“Well….It is a little snug.”

“Yeah, it sure is. You have more hanging out than you have in the suit.”

“What the heck? Your hind quarters are messed up. Are you mooning us?”

“And your boobs are jumping around like they are getting ready for takeoff.”

“I can see you now, in that pool. That damn bikini or whatever you call it, will not stay put on your body. And the pool will be drained, when you jump in.”

“Maybe you ought to stick with the volley ball.”

“She can’t play volley ball. Hell, she has a rough time walking back to her room.”

“You probably should skip the sports. Just go and eat.”

“And enjoy all those kids. That should be a real hoot. All those youngsters screaming and crying and carrying on. You can babysit while the others swim and play ball. Hey, maybe you can volunteer to do the grilling.”

“When you come back, tell us all about it. You should have a real blast.”

“Yup, we will be here, all day. We plan to have a picnic in the back yard and lay around in hammocks, and chat. Nothing special. Just a quiet day. And no kids.”

“Well, that does it. I am not going.”

“What? Why not?”

“I changed my mind, that’s all. Besides, I don’t want to leave all of you here, alone.”

“Awww, ain’t that sweet? Go, get out of that swimsuit before it falls off. There’s a marathon of Twilight Zone on TV. We should have a wonderful 4th.”