ET Phone home

At breakfast, Frank was unusually quiet. He was reading the newspaper and looked upset. Now, it is well known, that when anyone looks upset, it fuels the curiosity of the senior residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home. They thrive on misfortunes and tragedies.

“What’s up Frank? Something wrong?”

“I am reading. Leave me alone.”

This was the wrong thing to say to this gang. Frank was in for it now.

“Come on. You can tell us. We are your friends. We are here to support you. Did something happen?”

Frank reluctantly opened up.

“They are making a movie about that cat. You know, the one who lives in the nursing home who cuddles up to …to….you know, the ones who are about to croak.”

“Oh is that all? We thought it was something juicier than that. So what? That cat is probably a relative of Joe Black.”

“Yea, and Brad Pitt will probably play that role.”

“Did you see that movie? It was stupid. And it had that Hannibal Lector in it. Very spooky.”

“That wasn’t Hannibal, that was Anthony Hopkins.”

“Yes, true, but whenever I see Anthony in a movie, all I can think about is Hannibal.”

“Remember that other Anthony? Perkins, I think. Whenever he played in something, all I could visualize was Norman Bates.”

“Those two trashed their images with those roles. Just like Leslie Nielson. He used to be a serious guy, but now he can’t play anything but slapstick comedy.”

“And remember Judy Garland? She lived forever as Dorothy.”

“And that goofball Jack Nicholson. He will always be that lecherous old fart.”

“What movie was that?”

“All of them.”

“That wasn’t acting. From what I see, he lives that role.”

“Well, my favorite was ET. He will always be ET.”

“Like he played in anything else? What a dumb thing to say.”

“Of course he did. He was really Nick Nolte in disguise.”

“You know what? Nick was pretty good looking as ET. He has gone downhill ever since.”

“Hey where did Frank go?”

“He saw a cat looking in the window and hightailed it down to the pub.”



Who is Bibi?

When the folks filed in for lunch, they noticed the dining room was decorated with balloons and streamers. The cook was hanging a banner that said Happy Birthday Bibi.

“Hey Minnie, who is Bibi?”

“Darned if I know. Must be someone new.”

Gordon spoke up. “It’s Pat’s grand daughter. Pat wanted to throw a bash for her, so she donated the decorations and the cake and is waiting for Bibi to show up.”

“Here comes Pat now. Wow! Look at her. She is all dolled up, in her baby blue sweat suit and those damn ortho shoes.”

“She has a foot problem, you idiot. She said it runs in the family.”

“Are you talking about me again? I swear you are the world’s biggest gossip, Wolf. I hope you will be half way decent when my baby grand shows up.”

“What the hell? Is she a person or a piano? Baby grand. Please.”

“Just be nice to her. OK? She will be here soon, and doesn’t know we are having a party for her.”

Pat distributed hats and horns to the gang, and turned off the lights in the dining room, in anticipation of the arrival of her baby grand.

When Bibi entered the room, she was greeted by 30 old fogies, trying to blow into their horns. Since the gang was mostly short on lung power, the sound was amazing similar to a fog horn, blowing in the mist. It was an eerie sound, and Wolf thought it reminded her of a mad cow in heat. When the lights went on, Bibi was temporarily blinded, and stumbled into a table. Unfortunately it was the table that held the birthday cake. She and the cake went flying.

Pat ran over to Bibi, who was laying on the floor with her feet in the air. If you have ever seen a dead skunk or possum in the road, you will recall that the poor thing is always on its back, with feet standing straight up.

Thankfully Bibi wasn’t dead, but the cake was. Bibi’s face was covered with pink icing. Her blonde hair was full of chocolate sprinkles and there were 25 candles sticking out of her sweater. There were 10 seniors standing over her, wishing her a happy birthday. She looked dazed.

Then Wolf opened her mouth. “Oh my God. It does run in the family. Look at those shoes. Orthos!!!!”

That did it. Pat was furious. She whisked Bibi out of the dining room leaving a trail of cake, icing and candles. And one of Bibi’s shoes.

“Hey, Bibi! You lost one of your orthos.”

Pat ran back into the room, slipped on the icing and fell on the floor. Bibi limped back into the room and revived her gammy. That’s what she called her. Gammy. They slid around in the gooey mess and crawled toward the door, with the gummy filled ortho shoe.

The next day a notice was sent to the residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home:

“From this day forward, there will be no parties for anyone who does not reside in this facility. The Home regrets this unfortunate decision, but we can no longer afford to replace damaged items, such as ortho shoes.”

The good folks at the Home felt so bad about the incident, that they all chipped in and bought Bibi 5 pairs of ortho socks.