Pet Peeves

“Why do you click and clack your teeth like that? You sit there watching TV click clacking away. It is driving me nuts.”

“Well, you have the most annoying habit of sniffing. Before you say anything, you sniff up a storm. What’s up with that?”

“It’s better than what George does. He constantly jingles the coins in his pocket. I wonder what else he is jingling.”

“Or Frank, he is the loudest sneezer in the world. He can’t just sneeze.
He roars. He has that sinus condition and once he starts sneezing, it goes on and on and scares the hell out of people miles away.”

“How about Ms Barkley? She talks baby talk all the time to that bird of hers. Even when we are out in public. She carries on like a goof in front of everyone. Very childish, I would say.”

“And Pat. She has the most ridiculous habit of repeating whatever you say to her. Like I will say “Good day to go shopping” and she will answer, “Yes, good day to go shopping.” Or Gee, I hope we have pizza for dinner tonight, and she will say, “Yes, I hope we have pizza tonight for dinner.” “It’s maddening.”

“The one who gets me is Mandy. She has to laugh after everything she says. Even when it’s not funny. She drives me wild with that laughing.”

“And how about Linda? She calls everyone Honey. I resent that. I am not her Honey. It is disgusting.”

“And our Director, she is quite irritating when she talks to our group. She constantly is saying “You know.” It goes something like this: “Good morning. I have a few, you know, announcements, you know, to address this morning. They are, you know, very important announcements. And if you have any questions, we can, you know, discuss them, you know, one on one.”

“I guess we all have our (sniff) bad habits.”

“(click/clack) Hmm. Yes, that we do.”


The gift

“Hey what you got? A present?”

“Yes, it’s from my niece. For my birthday.”

“Oh good, open it up. I want to see it.”

“Hold your horses Minnie. I am savoring the card. It says: To Auntie Wolfie. Happy Birthday. I am so happy and a little surprised that you are still with us. It is a blessing that you have lived to a ripe old age. As you know, most of the family passed on early. I guess that makes you the first to get as old as you are. And to think, the rest of the family lived a healthy life, while you always were the bad seed. Just kidding. But you do have some awful habits, Auntie Wolf. Try to cut down on the drinking and smoking, OK? Love you, Susie.”

“Geez Wolf, not exactly the nicest card I have seen.”

“No kidding. That little idiot. I always thought she was retarded.”

“Open up. What did you get?”

“Well, you tell me. What the hell?”

“Let me see that thing. I don’t know what it is. It appears to be homemade. Like maybe a table cloth?”

“That goof must be trying to knit again. God. This is either the worlds’ longest scarf, or its shortest afghan . And she actually paid to have this thing mailed here. Good grief. What a hoot. This has to be the wildest gift ever.”

“What are you gonna do with it?”

“I think I will wrap it up and give it to Ms Barkley for her birthday. She can use it to line Felix’s cage.”

“Are you sending a thank you card?”

“Oh yes. Here it goes: Dear Susie, Thank you for the gift. I see you are taking up knitting again. Look dearie, I may have very few talents, but you are kidding yourself if you think you can knit. I realize you put a lot of time and effort into this gift, but honestly, you really could do something more worthwhile with your time. I think you would be wise to take up another hobby. Why don’t you try smoking and drinking? It worked for me. Believe me, you won’t even give a rats ass about knitting again. I tried to call you from the local pub, but your line was busy. Cheers, Auntie Wolf.”


Wolf puts foot in mouth again

“My big toe hurts.”

“Let’s see it.”

“No. It is arched, in the form of a claw, and it won’t go back into its normal position.”

“When did this happen?”

“It happens all the time. I have a toe problem.”

“Come on. We are going to the foot doctor. This is not supposed to happen.”

Minnie and Wolf went to the foot doc. He asked why they were both in the room. Which one had the problem? They replied that Minnie’s toe was hosed up and Wolf was here to provide support.

The doc looked at Minnie’s toe and said, “How long has this been going on?”

“It happens a lot. I can’t get it to settle down and stop arching.”

“What kind of shoes are you wearing?”

Minnie told him that she had been wearing flip flops. It is summer, after all. And she had to be fashionable.

“Well, stop wearing them. They are forcing your toe into a claw.”

Wolf said, “That’s it? We are done? If so, can you take a look at my feet? I have a bump on the top of my foot.”

The doc told Wolf to remove her shoes and gasped. “What the hell?
That has to be the largest calcium deposit I have ever seen. How can you walk? You poor thing.”

“Huh? It doesn’t hurt. It just is in the way all the time. And I have to buy one shoe 2 sizes larger than the other. You know, to accommodate that bump.”

“My dear, you will need surgery to correct this situation.”

“Oh no you don’t. I am not going under the knife to remove a perfectly normal growth. I am a recovering addict and I cannot be under any form of medication. Except wine of course.”

“I want you to make an appointment prior to surgery, so we can explain the procedure.”

“You don’t hear so good, do you doc? I said I am not having surgery. I just wanted you to look at this bump. If you were a gyno, I would have you look at some other bumps I have and you would be appalled.”

“What do you mean? What kind of bumps?”

“Oh right. You would like that, wouldn’t you? Get a helpless woman on the table and examine her bumps in private places. You are a pathetic pervert, doc. Give these men an inch and they will take a mile. I have half a mind to report you to the authorities.”

“Look lady, you are the ones who made this appointment. I am just trying to help you.”

“I am surprised you didn’t give us date rape drugs. We have heard about quacks like you. And another thing. You better see a doctor yourself. You have a large bump on your head.”

Wolf swung her pocket book at the doc, hitting him squarely on his noggin. She and Minnie had to stop at the sports bar on the way home for a glass of wine, to calm their nerves.


Bargain shopping

Wolf was in deep thought. She was trying to decide what it was she wanted to do before she went over to the other side. She made her final decision and looked for Minnie.

“Minnie, there is not one thing I am dying to do before I die. I have always lived in the moment and when the opportunities came up, I just went with my heart. Sorry to disappoint you, but there is not one thing that I will regret not having done.”

“Wow. That is quite a legacy Wolf. So is there anything you want to do today that is in the moment?”

“Sure. For one thing, there is a new thrift store that opened. Let’s go down there and browse around. You never know what we will find.”

“Hey there are a bunch of paintings in the back. Have you seen that show where people buy a painting for 5 bucks and find out later that it is worth thousands? Let’s see what they have.”

“All right! Look at this. A velvet painting of Elvis. And it is a steal at $15 bucks. And this one; Dogs playing poker. That has to be an original, and it is only $12. Should we get both of them?”

“No, let’s keep looking. Here is a genuine mink coat for $2.50. It has one of those mink faces around the collar. Look at those adorable eyes. It has a funny odor, but overall, it is a real beaut.”

“Look over here. Used undies. And they are 5 for a dollar.”

“Oh no you don’t. I aint buying anyone’s used undies.”

“Wow! A gorgeous wedding gown. Says only used twice. $30. What a steal.”

“Get the heck out. Used twice? What? By the same person? 2 different husbands? Pretty damn tacky if you ask me.”

“Oh look. A box of paper and plastic bags. And only 25 cents. I am gonna get those.”


“Come on. I will show you. We are going to the local supermarket parking lot.”

Wolf and Minnie stood outside the local grocery store, with their box of bags. They told the shoppers that they were practicing for their next job, and asked each one, “Paper or Plastic?” They were amazed that several people threw money into the box.

“Hey Minnie. Look at all this money. This is a great job!. Let’s come back on Saturday when the store is really busy and we will make out like bandits. But for now, I have enough for a bottle of wine. Let’s go girl. We have found us a new hobby.”


Who said….

“That’s it. You guys need to come alive. We are playing “guess who said it.”

“Oh no, not again, Wolf.”

“Yes, again, now: Who said…..”

Good night Mrs Calabash, where ever you are.

Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Where’s the beef?

Read my lips. No new taxes.

I am not a crook.

E Tu Brute.

The buck stops here.

Come up and see me sometime.

If you can play it for her, you can play it for me.

Love means never having to say you are sorry.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Mission accomplished.

The child is not my son.

If you build it, they will come.

You’re fired.

I invented the internet.

Who’s your daddy?

And that‘s the way it is.

Paper or plastic?

Oh the humanity.

Don’t cry for me Argentina.

Tear down that wall.

I have sinned.

If it doesn’t fit…

How do you spell potato?

It’s like putting lipstick on a pig.

A little dab will do you.


It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

I’m having a friend for lunch.

I have miles to go before I sleep.

He sleeps with the fishes.

Just say no.

After a long evening of playing this game and humoring Wolf, Minnie said, “I have one more. Who said, I’m going to bed. After all, who’s afraid of the big bad Wolf?


The big question

“What do you want to do before you die Minnie?”

“Huh? Gee, I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.”

“Well, you better start thinking. We don’t have much time left.”

“Hmmm. You know, I would like to go on a motorcycle ride. And I would like to see Niagra Falls. And I would really like to ride a horse.”

“Great! All of those are within our reach. Let’s do some planning.”

“Remember, now, I don’t have much money, so most everything is out of my reach.”

“No problem. Come on. We are going to a biker bar. Put on that hot outfit you have. The baby blue camisole and the knit pants and your new green sneakers. We need to blow their minds.”

Wolf and Minnie went to the biker hangout, and struck up a conversation with the boys. Wolf made up a story about how they were both dying and had one last wish before they croaked. The tough guys turned soft and took the girls for a spin. Minnie refused to wear a helmet. She never let anything mess up her blue beehive. The girls hung on for dear life and giggled like school kids. They had a blast.

“OK. One wish completed. Get up early tomorrow, you are gonna ride the trails girlfriend.”

A local farm was offering horse riding lessons, for 50 bucks an hour. The girls wore their jeans and boots and strolled up to the owner.

“We are very interested in bringing our grandkids up here for lessons. But we want to make very sure it is the right place for them. Can you give us a demonstration? My friend, Minnie, is willing to be the guinea pig, so to speak, so would you mind showing us how safe it is? Like take her for a little ride before we decide if your farm is safe enough for our precious grand babies?”

The owner was more than happy to please the old girls and hoisted Minnie up onto a gorgeous pinto. He walked with her, until she got a wild hair, and yelled, “Giddyup Trigger, and took off into the field. She returned about an hour later, bouncing up and down and waving her hat. They thanked the owner and said they would get back to him.

Minnie had a sore rear end, so they delayed the trip to Niagra Falls for a few days. Then they packed their bags and went to the bus depot. The ride took 12 hours. They took the milk run, which stopped at every little town on the way, but it was cheap.

The falls were beautiful. They pretended they were Marilyn Monroe and went for a walk under the falls and got soaking wet. Minnie had tears in her eyes when they boarded the bus to go back to the home. They immediately fell asleep and slept like babies. When they woke up, Minnie said, “OK Wolf. Your turn. What do you want to do before you die?”

To be continued…….


On the road again

Big companies prey on old folks. The residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home were subjected to high pressure sales tactics on many occasions. Today, the guy from the Cellular Company showed up for a seminar.

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name is William Nelson, but you may call me Bill. I am here to….”

“Wait. Did you say William Nelson? You aren’t THE Willie Nelson, are you?”

“Oh no…..I”

“Wow. Willie Nelson. Can you sing that song, what is it now, oh yea, On The Road Again?”

“Well, I hate to…”

“No, sing Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain. I love that.”

“But I am…”

“Hey Willie, did you cut your hair? It looks a lot better. If there is one thing I don’t like about you, it is that dirty old hair.”

“Folks, look….”

“Do you really smoke pot all the time, Willie? I heard you even smoked it in the White House.”

“Yeah, you don’t have any do you? We would like to try some.”

“Come on, Willie, bring out that old guitar. We want to boogie.”

“I am so sorry, but I …..”

“No excuses Willie. Either start the show and pass the pot, or we are out of here.”


“It figures. I guess you are getting too old to sing. Well, nice to meet you Willie. Come on everyone, Judge Judy is on.”

Mr Nelson’s boss called and asked him how it was going. After all, William was the heralded as High Pressure Will. He had fleeced more Seniors than a shepherd fleeces his herd. Will confessed that his seminar was a bust. And he was whimpering as he left.

The Seniors watched as Willie got into his car.

“Geez. Look at Willie. What a mess he is. He must owe taxes again. What a shame.”

“Yes, and he wasn’t even coherent. And they say pot is a safe drug.”


Bird Brain

It was the third day of the heat wave and the residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home had cabin fever. And they were getting on each others’ nerves.

“Why are you wearing that stupid sweater, Minnie? It is 100 degrees out there.”

“Not in here it isn’t. It is too cold for me. So why don’t you put on something over those shorts. Your legs look like turkey legs.”

“And you Pat. What’s with reading all the time? Don’t you know that too much reading will give you piles.”

“Piles? Piles of what? Brains?”

“No. You sit on your hind end all day reading. You probably have hemorrhoids.”

“So? What’s it to you? You have diarrhea of the mouth.”

“Here comes Ms Barkley with Felix. What’s up Ms B?”

“Don’t ask. Felix is in a bad mood.”

“How can a parakeet be in a bad mood? Ridiculous. What’s he so upset about anyway?”

“We went to the local theatre and they refused to let him in. I offered to pay for his ticket, but they said no birds allowed. And he really wanted to see the movie.”

“What movie?”


“Come on. Tell us.”

“Well they were showing old Hitchock movies and the Birds was playing.”

“You better be happy he didn’t see that movie. He could have developed all kinds of bad habits.”

“It really isn’t fair. He was looking forward to it.”

“Are they showing the movie again?”

“Yes, at 4pm.”

“OK. Let’s go. We will sneak him in.”


“We will put him in Minnie’s blue hair do. He will blend right in. And if anyone says anything, we can say Minnie has a bird brain.”

“No. He won’t go unless he can sit on my shoulder.”

“All right. Get a lunch bag. We will put him in that and make 2 holes for his eyes and one for his beak. And he can sit on your shoulder in the bag.”

“What if someone asks me what’s in the bag?”

“Not to worry. No one says bag around us Seniors. We will threaten to sue them for calling us old bags, and they will let us right in.”

“As a matter of fact, let’s all wear bags on our heads. And get the toilet paper. We need to have streamers coming out of our pants.”

“Oh boy, this should be fun!”


The Midwife

At breakfast, Minnie asked Wolf, “Can you do me a favor?”

“Sure. What?”

“My grand babe is having a baby. She wants me to watch the birth. Can you go with me?”

“What? Are you serious? I hate pain. You know that. And I hate kids. Why in the hell would I want to do that?”

“Well, thanks a lot. I thought you said you would go.”

“When? When did I say that?”

“ I asked you to do me a favor and you said yes.”

“Oh no you don’t. You can’t hold me to that. I said I would do you a favor, but not this favor. Besides, why would you want me to go with you? It’s your grand daughter. And you know how I hate hospitals.”

“First of all, she is giving birth at home. A midwife. No hospital. So I need you there. There will be a boat load of people there and I can’t be watching the birth and her other kids at the same time. I need help.”

“So that’s it. You want me to be a baby sitter, while you sit on your ass and watch the birth. No way. Besides, this is barbaric. Babies should be born in the hospital. What gives with the midwife?”

“She wants it to be a community event. She even got a photographer to make a video. She thinks of this as a miracle, and wants to have all her friends there.”

“Oh my God. What? She is having open house? I guess the invitation will say: You are invited to the viewing of the birth of my baby. Please bring a covered dish?”

“As a matter of fact, yes. She wants a pot luck lunch after the event.”

“And what if this happens at 4 in the morning? This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of.”

“Will you go? I mean, I really want you to be there.”

“Minnie, No. I can’t. I refuse to go to this spectacle.”

“Ok. No problem. I guess you don’t want to meet Geraldo.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Nothing. Just that Geraldo will be there to record it for his show.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Of course I can go. Let’s go to the mall. I need a new outfit. And I think I will make tacos. Geraldo likes Mexican food. I wonder if he will interview me. You know, being a close friend of the family like I am. You know what Minnie? There is nothing like watching a new baby come into the world.”


Women Rule

It was a steamy day. The temperature soared along with the humidity. The good folks at the Autumn Years Rest Home stayed inside. They hate sweating.

They gathered in the great room to watch TV. The guys were watching a John Wayne movie.

“Hey guys, can’t we watch something else? This is boring, Pilgrim.”

“No. We like westerns. Besides, John Wayne was a great actor.”

“When is this over? We want to watch Lifetime.”

“Oh no you don’t. No sappy movies for us.”

“Can’t we at least take a vote? I mean, come on.”

“No. There are more women here then men, so you always win.”

“That’s my point. Majority rules. Turn that channel.”

The men refused to turn off the western, so the girls got into a conversation about the oil spill.

“I don’t understand why Obama doesn’t do something about that mess.”

“It is such a shame that he allowed the British to come over here to take our oil. The foreigners are taking over our country.”

“And why doesn’t someone just go down there and put a lid on it? What the heck is wrong with these men?”

“It figures. Men. They are morons. First of all they make more money than women and then they go down in the ocean and look for buried treasure. And hose that up.”

“The only thing men are good for is taking out the garbage. Other than that, worthless. All of them.”

“Yea, they sit around watching ancient westerns, worshipping those redneck obnoxious guys like John Wayne.”

The men, who were trying to watch the western, couldn’t help but listening to the girls. They knew if they expressed their opinions, they would never get their point across. They shrugged their shoulders and handed the remote control to the girls. Lifetime was showing a rerun of The Long Island Lolita, Amy Fisher. The girls were ecstatic. They cut off their conversation, after one final remark.

“You guys are gonna love this. It shows what total idiots men really are.”