The good Samaritan

“Where have you been Wolf? It’s late.”

“I had to give a ride to a young girl at work. We had to pick up her little girl at day care and then I took them home.”

“Geez, where do they live? I mean, it took all this time to drive her home?”

“Yes, they live in the country. And by country, I mean rural. Corn fields, soybean fields, cows, dirt roads, and her driveway was longer than most city streets.”

“When we got there, the little kid had several packages, and cupcakes, and all kinds of bags of stuff. So when I tried to help her out, she said she didn’t want to get out of the car. I was patient with her, and just stood outside, trying to give her time to change her mind, when the dog attacked me. He is a wild thing. I had a long skirt on and the little bugger dived under my skirt and started barking. Toto finally found his way out and jumped up in my arms. I was holding my arms outward, to try to help the little brat out of the backseat and he thought I wanted to play. There I was, with a mutt in my arms, a little kid in the backseat, and the gal from work who was trying to be upbeat. She started to tell me all about the night she stopped for a glass of wine after finding out her boyfriend was married. Well, she had several glasses of wine and took off to confront him at the local diner. He was there with his wife, and my little coworker, said, “Hi I’m Danielle, Ed’s girlfriend.”
Then she took off in her klunker of a car, and the police stopped her for having no tail lights. They took her to the drunk tank, and now she has to get rides to and from work.”

“You mean, you volunteered to be her driver?”

“Well, I did, earlier, but after driving on those country roads, my muffler started to protest and fell off. When I finally got the kid out of the car, the dog started up again, and I raced for the car and quickly shut the door. Danielle said, “You know how to get out of here? Right?” I forced a smile and said in a very confident voice, “Of course, no problem.” But I didn’t know.”

“You didn’t know what?”

“I didn’t know my way out. I got lost. And it was getting dark. The deer were perched on the side of the road, just waiting for me to drive by so they could dart out and play chicken with me. I had a muffer-less car, could not see in the dark and could not find my way out.”

“Well, you must have found your way, at some point. You are here now.”

“Yes. Of course. I stopped a farmer whose cows were crossing the road and asked for directions. He gave me a lecture about driving too fast on his cow crossing, and told me he was tired of us wild women who had no concern for his animals. He told me about the bank, and how they were after him for losing so many cows, to wild drivers. I wanted to get the heck out of there, but the cows stopped in the middle of the road, and looked at me with those big brown eyes. The farmer didn’t seem to be in any hurry and was lecturing me. I backed up and turned around and guess where I ended up? Yup. Back at Danielle’s. She and the kid and dog came out to greet me and I told her I had to talk to her about giving her rides to and from work. It just was not working out for me. She gave me directions to get out of the boon docks, and here I am.”

“Well, at least you were a good Samaritan today.”

“Yeah. Well, you know I am like a dog. I need a routine. And my routine is to stop for a glass of wine to calm my nerves on the way home from work. This good Samaritan didn’t even stop tonight. So tomorrow, no more Samaritan stuff. I am going back to my routine.”

“So you are returning to your life of independence and debauchery?”

“Yes, Minnie. Ain’t life grand?”

Wolf

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Did you know it is only 4 months til Christmas?

Sunday at the Autumn Years Rest Home.

“Did you know it is only 4 months til Christmas, Minnie?”

“Why are you mentioning that? We have Labor Day coming up, and you are thinking about Christmas?”

“Yes, I think we should go shopping now and avoid the crowds and cold weather.”

“Like you prefer to go shopping when it is 94 degrees? No way.”

“What do you want this year anyway? I need a list.”

“Look. You don’t even know if we will be alive then. At our age, it could be curtains anytime.”

“Well, if you croak before Christmas, I will keep your gift.”

“Thanks a lot.”

“That gives me an idea. I need some new pjs and slippers. So, if you aren’t around to get them, they will go to good use.”

“I don’t need pjs and slippers. I need gloves and boots.”

“Ok. So you buy the gloves and boots and then we both win. Even if you do croak.”

“What about you? You don’t think it could be you? You might go first.”

“No. I don’t think so. I think you are in worse shape than I am.”

“What do you mean, worse shape?”

“Well, you have that neck problem and your heart is a mess.”

“Says who?”

“You told me your neck is always stiff, and you take blood thinners.”

“Yeah? Well, you have bad bones and high cholesterol. And you drink wine to excess.”

“Wine is good for you. Look at the Japanese people. They live forever.”

“They don’t drink wine. The French and Italians drink wine.”

“And they live forever too.”

“No they don’t. The French are so hateful they die from anger. And the Italians swim with the fishes.”

“Well, I don’t care what you say, Minnie. I am not giving up my wine.”

“Hey, my grand daughter just came in to visit me. Hi sweetie. You remember Wolf don’t you?”

“Oh yes, she’s the wino, right Granny?”

“Yes dear. Wolf is a hopeless wino.”

“Is that why she is all wrinkled?”

“Yes dear. She is a wrinkled hopeless wino. She is really only 39 years old, but looks 80. See what unhealthy habits do for you? Such a shame.”

“Granny? Did you know it is only 4 months til Christmas?”

Wolf

The legend

“Good morning, Autumn Years Rest Home.”

“Oh hello. Can you connect me with Minnie please?”

“She is eating breakfast. Did you want me to page her?”

“Yes.”

“Who is calling?”

“Just page her.”

“Is that you Wolf?”

“So what if it is?”

“Where have you been all night? Hot date?”

“Look you nosy goof, just get me Minnie.”

“Come on. You can tell me. Where have you been?”

“Mind your own beeswax. It is none of your business.”

“Let’s put it this way Wolf. If you want me to page Minnie, fess up.”

“You have your nerve. You are a fresh face.”

“Just what do you mean, fresh face?”

“That’s what they say in New York. Fresh Face.”

“I have all day Wolf. You can call here all you want, but until you tell me what happened, no dice, no Minnie.”

“I will report you to the Administrator. And get you fired. What do you think about that?”

“Go ahead. It’s your word against mine.”

“You know what? You are an abomination, a worthless phone person, a… a ….”

“Sorry. I can’t hear you.”

“You are dog do do. You are a …. hello?”

“Good morning, Autumn Years Rest Home.”

“I want you to page Minnie. This is an emergency.”

“May I ask what the emergency is?”

“No you may not. Just page her.”

“I believe we just had this conversation. Would you like to elaborate?”

“Don’t hang up. I need to talk to her and I don’t have any more money to call from this blasted phone booth.”

“Sure. No problem. So?”

“All right. Here it goes. I lost my teeth. They fell out somewhere in the vicinity of the Spectator’s Bar. I also lost my glasses. And you know I can’t see without them. So I need Minnie. And I also lost my pants. So just get ahold of her and tell her to meet me down here, with some clothes.”

“Wow. Some night you had. Just a minute, I will page her.”

“Hello? Is that you Wolf?”

“Yes it’s me Minnie. I have a flat tire. Can you get Frank to come down to the parking lot of the Spectator and change my tire?”

“Gee. The phone operator said you lost your teeth, your glasses and your clothes.”

“Yes, I know. I lied. If I told her I had a flat tire, no big deal. But this way, I continue to be a legend. And you know what they say. When they quit talking about you, it’s all over.”

Wolf

Open House

It was open house at the Autumn Years Rest Home. An addition had been built and the rooms were ready for new residents. The nosy Seniors were ready to give their opinions, if they were asked, or even if they weren’t. They were lined up in the entry way like they were attending a premiere of a Broadway show.

The first guest arrived escorted by her family, 3 women and 2 kids. The minute they entered the Home, they were bombarded with questions.

“Hi. What’s your name? Are you going to live here? Do you like to dance? How old are you? Do you like to drink wine? How come you are moving here? Do you want to see my photo albums?”

The elderly lady quickly blurted out: “Get out of my face. All of you. I hate people. And I hate these stupid nursing homes. This is the 4th one I have lived in and I cannot understand why my daughter won’t let me live with her. I am really no trouble. I only ask that my food be delivered to my room every day. And I want to be left alone. So scram, all of you.”

The most obnoxious resident is Wolf, of course. She said: “Hey look, you prima dona. This is not a nursing home. It is our Home. You won’t get any special privileges here. We all get along very well. And you have to be a social butterfly, or you will not be welcome. You have to like people, and you have to be able to go with the flow. I can see why you didn’t make it in the other homes. You are a bona fide kook. So you might as well leave. You are not a good fit.”

The old bag and her family quickly left. The Administrator of the Home called out to them, to return and to take the tour. They did not respond.

Wolf said, “You should be happy that old geezer left. She was not a good candidate for our Home. She was an uppity anti social hateful thing. It’s a good thing we are here to weed out the riff raff.”

The Administrator was not amused. She told all the residents to move out of the entry way and to give the visitors some space. Reluctantly they moved back to the dining room. But being the resourceful Seniors that they are, they whispered to one another: “Ok. Plan B. Go Go Go.”

They gathered in the parking lot and as each car parked, the welcoming committee was put into action. They were unmerciful. And the weeding? It was astounding. By the end of open house, no one had taken the tour. The residents smugly went into the dining room for dinner where they found the Administrator wringing her hands. “I can’t understand why we didn’t have anyone show up for our open house. I just don’t get it.”

Wolf tried to console her and said, “Don’t you worry your little head off. We will put the word out and you will have those rooms filled in no time.”

The Admin thanked her and went to her office. The residents put Plan C into action: An ad was placed in the Swinging Singles Seniors Mag the next day.

Wolf

Minnie is out in left field

Minnie was the first one to show up for breakfast at the Autumn Years Rest Home. Pat strolled in and looked excited.

“Hey Minnie, Good Morning, girl. I am so happy. My daughter gave me tickets to see Barry Manilow tonight and get this: a $50 gift certificate at Applebys. Would you like to go with me and be my guest?”

“Wow! Would I? You know I would. But, I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I promised Wolf that I would go with her to the Iron Pigs Baseball game.”

“Get out of it. Tell her….. Tell her you can’t go. That’s all. You had a better offer.”

“You know Wolf, Pat. She would be furious. She was planning on going and has been talking about it all week.”

“Look Minnie, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Think of something and tell her you can’t go.”

“I don’t know. I have a feeling she will find out and all hell will break loose. I just don’t think I can do it.”

“Well, how about this? You feel ill, and think Wolf should ask someone else to go.”

“Yeah, Ok. I can try it, I guess.”

“Here she comes now.”

“Hi girls. Well, Minnie, are you ready for the big game tonight?”

“Oh Wolf. I am feeling very poorly, and I don’t want to spoil your evening. I am so sorry. I think you really should ask someone else to go. You know, just in case I don’t feel any better.”

“Oh? What do you mean feeling poorly? When did this come up? I mean we have been planning this evening for a long time.”

“Like I said, Wolf, I don’t feel well. I think you should ask someone else to go in my place.”

“Hmmm. Hey Pat, want to go to the baseball game tonight?”

“No. I don’t care for baseball.”

“What are you? Anti-American? Everybody loves baseball. What a screwball.”

“Frank? Want to go to the baseball game tonight?”

“What? With you? I don’t think so. Oh there you are Pat. I heard you got tickets for Barry Manilow tonight. Did you decide who you are taking?”

“Yes, I did. And no, I have not decided who is going with me.”

“I heard you asked Ms Barkley to go and she said she hates those sappy songs Barry sings. And you asked George and he said he can’t stand elevator music. And then you asked Gordon and he said he can’t go, as he is on call tonight. CIA. (wink wink)”

“Wait a minute. Pat, did you ask all these people before you asked me?”

“Uhm. Yes, Minnie, I did. But..but…”

“Wolf? I am suddenly feeling much better. I can’t wait to go with you to the game tonight.”

“What the hell? You were pretending you were sick, weren’t you Minnie? To go with Pat to see that ancient Barry and his boring show tunes. Well I am not a happy woman. As a matter of fact, since no one else wants to go with Pat, I will go with her. And here, Frank. Take these baseball tickets and ask a buddy to go. What time should I be ready Pat?”

“7pm Wolf. See you then.”

Wolf

Wild Thangs

It has been raining all day. The good folks at the Autumn Years Rest Home were bored. They had wanted to go to Musikfest and polka. It was the last day of the festival. They hoped the rain would wane, but no such luck.

“Minnie. Why? Why did it have to rain on our parade?”

“Don’t ask me. I didn’t cause the rain to fall.”

“I need to get out for a spell. The air is stagnant in here. Let’s get our umbrella hats and go down to the Dairy Queen.”

“Sure. Let’s go. I can taste that blizzard right now.”

“Wait a minute, girls. Did you say you were going to the Dairy Queen?”

“Yes, George. You snoop. That’s what we said.”

“Well, you will be disappointed. They closed for the day. I walked down there earlier and there is a sign on the door. Closed.”

“No way! Now what? Can we get the home to drive us to Friendly’s? They have great ice cream.”

“Sorry. The driver has the day off.”

“Ok. Not to be deterred, let’s walk to the grocery store. And get hot fudge and nuts and whipped cream and cherries and we will make our own sundaes.”

“Yes. Let’s go. Who wants to walk with us?”

13 old fogies donned their umbrella hats and walked to the grocery store. They loaded up on all the fixings for a great hot fudge sundae. When they arrived back at the home, they were tired and wet.

“Minnie, you get the hot fudge heated up and we will fix the best sundaes ever.”

“Ok. You get the ice cream scooped and we will rock and roll.”

“Where is it?”

“Where is what?”

“The ice cream. I don’t see it.”

“OMG. We bought everything but the ice cream.”

“You have got to be kidding. What the hell?”

Once again the good folks were disappointed. They sat down at the table and pouted.

“Give me that whipped cream can. I am gonna eat it right out of the can. And fix that hot fudge and pass spoons around. Who needs ice cream? And don’t forget the cherries.”

The residents of the Home did not sleep that night. They were wired from a sugar overload. And if you have ever seen wired senior citizens it is not a pretty sight. They had a pillow fight with feathers flying everywhere. They played strip poker without any cards. And they ran naked out in the rain. Too bad they got locked out. At 5am, the cook arrived. She took one look at the nudists and screamed.

Minnie and Wolf were streaking through the yard, when Wolf said, “Gee Minnie. I guess she didn’t recognize us without our clothes.”

Wolf

Baby you can drive my car

“Oh boy, Pat’s car clunked out. He says he is looking for a new one, but he can’t afford more than a $300 junker.”

“Please. What the heck does he need a car for? He is close to 90 and he is a terrible driver. The car did him a favor by giving up the ghost.”

“He has to go to the dollar store, you know that Wolf.”

“Come on, Minnie. He can go with the rest of us, in the van.”

“Nope. He has a crush on some young “thang” who works there, and if he doesn’t see her every day, he is depressed.”

“How old is this girl?”

“He says she is 33.”

“Well, you know, if he is still smitten at 90, God bless the old coot.”

“Here he comes now. Hi Pat. So sorry to hear about your car.”

“Huh? I can’t hear you. Speak up.”

“I said, so sorry to hear about your tragedy.”

“Strategy? What do you mean? I have no strategy. I am in the middle of a mid life crisis.”

“Oh? You are in mid life? Holy cow, you must plan to live another 90 years. That will be some record.”

“What record? I don’t hear any music. Turn it up, girl. I am in the mood for dancing.”

“What kind of dancing?”

“Is there any other kind? Dirty dancing, of course.”

“Minnie, can you believe this? You dance with him. I am Catholic and we don’t do dirty.”

“Ok. Hey Pat lets do it.”

“What? Do what?”

“Dance.”

Pat and Minnie did a fabulous job of dancing. Minnie moved her arms around and Pat swayed back and forth. Wolf said it reminded her of the dance of the living dead. The two dancers were pooped out and had to retire for the evening. The next morning at breakfast, Minnie thanked Pat for a wonderful evening. She winked at Pat and asked him if he wanted to try it again tonight.

Pat seemed a little confused. “What the heck did we do? And do I know you?”

And this man still drives?

Wolf

Does my butt look big in these pants?

The Autumn Years Rest Home was having a party, to celebrate its 10th anniversary. Wolf decided to order a new pair of pants to wear to the celebration. She saw a pair that looked spectacular on TV on the Shopping Network. After they arrived, she tried them on.

“Minnie, can you come to my room? I want to show you something.”

“Sure. I’ll be right there.”

“Well, how do you like them? Do you think they make my butt look big?”

“Well, not really. I mean, not any bigger than usual.”

“What does that mean?”

“Well, you can put a pair of pants on an elephant, and the elephant is still an elephant.”

“Are you calling me an elephant? Of all the nerve.”

“You asked for my opinion. And I gave it.”

“I am getting a second opinion. Let me ask the guys. I am calling Frank and George, to come over and see what they think.”

“Well, guys, what do you think? Do they make my butt look big?”

“Huh? What are you talking about? Your butt? I guess it looks big. I mean it ain’t real small, that’s for sure.”

“I am asking you about these pants. Do they make my butt look big?”

“Sure, they do. Is that what you are trying to do? Emphasize your butt? If that is your intention, it works for me.”

“I am asking about these pants. Are they flattering?”

“What do you want us to say, Wolf?”

“The truth. Tell me the truth.”

“Oh, OK. Well, those pants are really nice. They make your butt look so small. As a matter of fact, your butt is so tiny in those pants, that we can hardly see it.”

“Really? Wonderful. See, Minnie, you are wrong again. You and your elephant remark are way out of line.”

“Did Minnie say you looked like an elephant?”

“Yes, George, she insinuated that I look like an elephant in these pants.”

“How could you Minnie? An elephant? You know these pants would never fit on an elephant.”

“Thank you George.”

“An elephant would walk right out of those whoppers. They are way too large for the average elephant.”

Wolf returned the pants to the Shopping Network. They donated them to the local zoo.

Wolf

Takes one to know one

“Hey Banana, where are you? Pick up your phone. For God’s sake, Anna, where are you?”

“So sorry Wolf, I had to go down to the 5th floor and fix Sandy’s dinner.”

“How is Sandy? Is she drinking?”

“No. I don’t think so. But she is very nasty. A real fresh face.”

“So why are you catering to this axx hole?”

“Well, she looks very bad. My neighbor said she looks like she has cancer.”

“What? Is she that bad?”

“Yes, she called me from the parking garage and told me she had the Rolls Royce full of groceries, but was too weak to carry them up to her apartment. So I helped her.”

“Rolls Royce? Wow. I didn’t know she had a RR.”

“No, that is what she calls her grocery cart. In NY, we all have grocery carts.”

“What ? You mean you take those carts home? From the grocery store?”

“No. We all have them. Every one in NY has them. That’s how we get our groceries home.”

“Well, in Pennsylvania, we leave them at the store.”

“We buy them. We all have them.”

“You know what Banana? I couldn’t survive in NY. But getting back to Sandy, is she eating?”

“I think so. I nuked her dinner. You know, those frozen meals. She seems to be much better.”

“So why do you go down to her apartment? She can’t nuke her own dinner?”

“I feel she needs help. By the way, where are you Wolf? It is 7pm.”

“I was on my way home, and stopped for a 12 pack of beer, and some gals were pouring free samples outside the beer store, and I got carried away. And then, a mile from home, my car steered itself into the parking lot of the local pub and well, the rest is history.”

“I can’t believe you are not home. It’s Friday night. WTF?”

“Look Banana, I called you to discuss something. But I see that a band is setting up in this bar and being the ultimate bar fly, I have to check it out. But I wanted to tell you that you should not be catering to Sandy. She is a bona fide drunk. And she probably doesn’t have cancer. She has the DTs.”

“How would you know? Are you speaking from experience?”

“Yes, we bar queens know the signs. By the way, can you come down tomorrow and nuke my frozen dinner? I am weak.”

“Give me a break, Wolf. Go home.”

“Wait. I met gin soaked bar room queen in Memphis. She wanted to take me upstars for ride.”

“Huh? Go home, you idiot.”

“You don’t like the Stones, do you Banana?”

“Go home. Sandy is calling. She is weak and says if I don’t come down to help her open her candy bar, she may croak.”

“Do you really believe this crap? Come on. This woman is a lunatic.”

“Takes one to know one.”

“Hey Banana, will you adopt me? I never did figure out how to use my microwave.”

“Bye Wolf.”

Wolf

Are you going?

“What’s the matter, Wolf?”

“Oh, my friend is not feeling well. I am worried about her. She has diverticulitis.”

“Is that serious?”

“I don’t know. I am reading up on it on the internet. And once I have researched it, I am gonna call her and recommend treatment.”

“What in the world? Who do you think you are? A doctor? I mean, why don’t you just tell her to go for medical attention?”

“She hates doctors. So I am her surrogate.”

“That is dangerous. You should not be diagnosing and all that jazz.”

“Oh yea? Well, I am calling her now. She needs my help.”

“Hello Mary? How are you feeling? Oh? I see. You aren’t eating nuts are you? Or seeds? Or roughage? What? No, I am just wondering. And have you thought about a colonoscopy? No? How come? You don’t want anyone fooling around with your back door? Oh. I see. Are you going ok? Huh? Going. Are you going ok? Do you have trouble going? You know. Going to the bathroom. What? Of course it isn’t any of my business. No, I am not a doctor. No, I don’t mean to get personal, I am just trying to help. Well, I beg your pardon. The same to you. And up yours with a rubber hose.”

“Sounds like you were a real help to your friend, Wolf. What a riot. She told you off, didn’t she?”

“Knock it off Minnie. It isn’t funny.”

“Oh no, here comes Frank. What’s happening Frank?”

“I am not feeling well. I think I may have a urinary infection.”

“Oh really? Do you have trouble going?”

“Going?”

:”Yes, you know, going.”

“Look Wolf, you don’t know beans about what I am going through. You women don’t have the same equipment as I do, so zip it. I don’t want to discuss this in detail with you.”

“Excuse me. I was just trying to help.”

“You have a problem Wolf. And everyone knows you read stuff on the internet and then practice medicine without a license. So until you show me your degree, I don’t want to hear it.”

“Did you hear that Minnie? He is referring to me as a quack and I am offended. I am going out for a walk.. Want to go?”

“Go? Define that word.”

”Up yours Minnie.”

Wolf