Bunny Slippers in the Snow

It was snowing heavily when the 2 girls went outside to duke it out. They were dressed in their pajamas and slippers. Minnie took the first swing. She missed.

Wolf threw a left and hit dead air. Minnie had fallen in a snow bank. Wolf lost her footing and landed next to her. They were covered in snow and could not move. 4 bunny slippers were missing.

The residents were staring out the window, cheering and laughing. When they realized the girls were not moving, George and Frank ran out to help them out of the snow.

As soon as they were on their feet, bam! Minnie threw another blow and hit George. Wolf’s fist hit Frank. The guys fell in the snow bank. Now they were stuck. The girls tried to help them, and fell on top of them. Patrick and Laura ran out to help the hapless 4-some, and slipped into the same snow bank. Now there were 6 old folks stuck in the snow.

When Pat and Gordon started for the door, the Director said, “No. No way are you going out there. Get back inside, all of you. And call Willie. I will need his help to get these idiots back inside.”

Willie sauntered out to the snow bank with a joint in his hand. “Hey Man, Groovy. Are we doing snow angels or what?”

The Director gave Willie a dirty look. Willie said, “Oh sorry. Here. Take a puff or two.”

By now the snow was falling at over 2 inches per hour. The Director tried pulling the residents out of the snow bank, but they were dead weight and would not move. She had no choice. She had to call 911.

The police said they were too busy with car accidents to help. They suggested the Fire Department. The Fire Chief answered and refused to come over. Now, if it had been a cat up a tree, he would have answered the call. But 6 old folks in the snow? No way.

Gordon stripped the sheets off the beds and made a rope. One by one, the frozen old folks were dragged back into the home.

They were shivering and cursing Minnie and Wolf. The 2 girls complained that they had lost their bunny slippers. No one cared. The residents decided this was the last straw. They were going to force these 2 old bags to kiss and make up.

But how?

To be continued.


Your girdle’s in the freezer

The residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home gathered for an emergency meeting, to discuss the unhealthy behavior of Minnie and Wolf. The Director started the meeting:

“Thank you all for coming. We have a situation brewing that is upsetting many of you. Let’s talk about it.”

George stood up and said, “It is getting so bad that I am not able to relax around here. These 2 women are out of control.”

Gordon was next: “Huh? What 2 women? Why, when I was a woman, back in my hey day, I was never out of control. Always a perfect lady.”

“Go fly a kite, Gordon, we are talking about Minnie and Wolf.”

Pat stood up and said, “My turn. I am having trouble finding a place to read my books in peace and quiet. Those 2 idiots are very annoying, obnoxious and ridiculous. They should either cool it or leave the Home.”

Patrick, who is hard of hearing, said, “I didn’t get that. Did you say it is cool in here? I think it is downright cold. I am so happy we are here to talk about the heating situation around here. I say turn up the thermostat.”

Gloria strolled in and said, “Hey what’s going on? Has anyone seen my new girdle? I can’t find it.”

Gordon heard the word girdle, and remarked, “What kind is it dear? I may have seen it, in the freezer. I thought it was a giant heating pad. Take a look in the freezer.”

Patrick: “You are absolutely spot on, Gordon. It is freezing around here.”

The Director was beside herself. This meeting was going down hill quickly. She said, “Please. Please. We are here to discuss a problem.”

Laura stepped up and said, “Great. It’s about time we had a forum to discuss problems. I have a serious issue. The van driver, Willie. He smokes pot in the van.”

“Yeah”, said Frank, “And he won’t share.”

The meeting was a bust. The Director told everyone to line up for cookies and milk, and to come back later, when everyone was focused on the situation.

Minnie and Wolf had not been invited to the meeting, but each had a tin can held to the ear, listening outside the room. When the meeting adjourned, they quickly walked into the dining room for cookies and milk. It just so happened, they were next to one another in line.

“Oh, it’s you, Poopy Pants. Excuse me, but my appetite has just been ruined.”

“Since when do you have an appetite for anything other than wine, you… you…..miserable old geezer.”

The “girls” put up their dukes and were ready to get into it, when George said, “Hey hey hey. Take it outside.”

To be continued.


Knock Knock, Who’s There?

Wolf tiptoed up to Minnie’s room and knocked. It was 3am. Minnie yelled, “Who is it? What’s wrong?” When she opened the door, Wolf was back in her room. At 4am, Minnie crept up to Wolf’s room and knocked. Wolf was waiting. She opened the door and said, “Yes? What the hell do you want? Do you know it is 4am?”

“You woke me up an hour ago. What the heck did you want?”

“What? You are insane. Why would I wake you up? Quit stalking me. Now what in the world do you want? Are you nuts or what?”

Minnie stuck her tongue out at Wolf and went back to her room.

At 8am, the residents were gathering for breakfast. Minnie and Wolf made obvious moves to avoid one another. Minnie was overheard saying, “That idiot, Wolf, knocked on my door at 3am. Can you believe it? She is a whack job.” Being the nosy senior that she is, Wolf retorted, “I heard that. You have your nerve. You knocked on my door at 4am and accused me of waking you up. Who is the real whack job here?”

The residents were secretly enjoying this scene, but acted like they were so stressed out from the commotion, that they could barely eat their breakfasts. The Director strolled by and George approached her. “You have to do something. We came here to live in a peaceful environment, so why do we have to put up with this constant bickering?”

The Director asked Minnie and Wolf to join her, in her office, in 10 minutes. Minnie walked to the office. No show for Wolf.
The Director put out an APB on Wolf, but she was long gone.

Minnie sighed and told the Director she knew where Wolf was: At the Sports Bar. The 2 of them took a walk down the street and found a half drunk Wolf.

“Ok. So why didn’t you show up? What’s wrong with you anyway?”

“Huh? Oh hello. I see you have that crazed Minnie with you. I refuse to acknowledge her presence. Unless, of course, she apologizes to me for her utterly insane behavior.”

Minnie walked out of the bar. She was not going to apologize to Wolf. No way. She hadn’t done anything wrong. Wolf asked the Director if she would like a bloody Mary, and the Director declined. She followed Minnie back to the Home.

When the two of them entered the Home, the residents asked if they could call a meeting. This was an emergency.

To be continued……


The Cleaning Guy Enters the Ladies Room

Breakfast at the Autumn Years Rest Home was not restful. It was down right stressful. Minnie and Wolf were not talking to one another and sat on opposite sides of the Dining Room. George decided enough was enough and approached Minnie.

“Ok. That’s it. You need to go over and make up. Now.”

“Huh? Whatever are you talking about? If you mean I should talk to the Butt Head of the Home, forget it. I would rather be alone than be with that…that…ridiculous nincompoop.”

George walked over to Wolf. “Ok. Time to make up. This is upsetting the whole crew. Get over there and apologize.”

“Apologize? For what? I am not the one who should apologize and besides, even if that imbecile apologized to me, I would not accept any apology from her. She is do do.”

“Hey, you two are the best of friends. And even friends have their differences. Give it up Wolf. You are miserable without Minnie.”

“Mind your own beeswax George. I refuse to acknowledge the presence of that doggy do.”

The residents quickly left the dining room. It was very unsettling to see the best of friends feuding. The room emptied and only Minnie and Wolf remained.

When the two old bags noticed they were the only ones left in the room, they pretended to be absorbed in their coffee cups. Each lingered until they had full bladders and had to leave the room. This event happened at exactly the same time. And the two women ran into each other as they scurried to the ladies room.

Minnie was the first to leave. And on her way out, she yelled, “Hey, Poopy pants. You stink.”

Wolf yelled back, “Oh yeah? You are the stinkiest person in this home. Just ask anyone.”

“Are you talking to me, you old wino?”

“Who you calling a wino, you booze hound?”

The cleaning guy knocked on the door and said, “Anyone in here?”

Minnie said, “No. Go right in.” And she left abruptly.

Wolf reported the cleaning guy for entering the ladies home while it was occupied. And she mentioned that a vicious woman instigated this event.

The Director of the Home had no other recourse. She arranged a meeting of the two hot heads, to discuss this incident.

To be continued.


The flower show

The first morning of the 2011 War: Breakfast at the Autumn Years Rest Home:

“Hello Wolf. How come you aren’t sitting with Minnie?”

“Oh hi Pat. Minnie? Minnie who? Do I know a Minnie?”

“Wow. Something must have happened. What’s going on?”

“Just because I am not sitting with that idiot, doesn’t mean a thing. I can sit where I want to sit.”

“Ooops. So sorry. See you later Wolf.”

“Hey Minnie, what’s going on with you and Wolf?”

“I plead the fifth. Ask her. I can’t be bothered with that Mad Hatter.”

“I see. Bye for now.”

“Good bye Pat. Have a wonderful day.”

“Hey George, do you see what I see?”

“Huh? What?”

“Wolf and Minnie are on the outs. What’s going on?”

“How would I know? I can’t keep up with those two goofs. Give it a rest Pat.”

Being the snoop that most Seniors are, Pat could not resist stirring the pot. She went back to Wolf and said, “Hey Wolf, Minnie says you are a mad hatter.”

“Oh, she does, does she. Well, tell her this: She is a useless piece of dog do do.”

“Come on Wolf, you don’t mean that.”

“Oh yes I do.”

“Ok, whatever you say.”

“Hey, Minnie, Wolf says you are dog do do.”

“I could not care less what she says. She means nothing to me.”

“Well, in that case, are you still going to the flower show with her today? I know you have tickets, and the bus will be here in an hour.”

“Take my ticket. I am not going.”

“Gee thanks Minnie.”

Pat showed up for the bus with Minnie’s ticket. And George showed up with Wolf’s ticket. They boarded the bus for Philadelphia, gossiping about the war between the two women.

“Hey George, those 2 have tickets for a bus ride to Atlantic City tomorrow. Let’s cash in.”

“You got that right, Pat. I hope they never make up.”


The War of 2011

“Geez. It is so cold out there. Can you run out Minnie and get the mail?”

“What? Absolutely not. Why should I run out there? Why don’t you go?”

“I am still in my nightgown, or I would.”

“Well, if you want the mail, get dressed. I am not going. No way.”

“You sure have turned out to be a chicken Minnie. I thought you liked the winter. What the hell has happened to you, anyway?”

“What happened was 5 below zero. That’s what happened. I am not discussing it any further. You want the mail, you go get it.”

“Forget it. Just forget it. Some friend you are. You would make an old lady get dressed on the coldest day of the year when you are already prepared to get the mail. I cannot believe you would be this selfish.”

“Oh no you don’t Wolf. You are doing the guilt trip thing and I ain’t buying it.”

“Well, what else do you have to do? You are just hanging around here arguing with me. Why can’t you just go and get it over with?”

“You know what Wolf? I wouldn’t get that mail if it was 70 degrees. You are a ….a….control freak, that’s what you are.”

“Hey, girls, girls, girls. What’s going on here?”

“Get the heck out George. Minnie is just getting ready to pick up the mail. That’s all.”

“Oh really? Great, Minnie. It’s too cold for me. But we all know you like the cold weather.”

“No George. I am not going out. As a matter of fact, Wolf is making the supreme sacrifice, and she is getting dressed so she can get the mail.”

“Super. Thanks Wolf.”

Wolf walked to her room, muttering under her breath, about Minnie and George. She threw on her long johns, a sweat suit, a parka and boots. She was quite hostile as she walked out the door. In the mail box, there were 2 letters for Minnie and a letter for George. Nothing for her. She left the mail in the box.

“No mail?”

“Huh? Mail? Are you asking me about the mail? No, there was nothing for me.”

“Well, what about for anyone else?”

“Yeah. A couple of letters for that chicken xxxx Minnie and one for that screwball George.”

“Why didn’t you bring them in?”

“If they want those letters, let them go out and get them.”

Wolf’s behavior started the Autumn Years Rest Home war of 2011.

To be continued……..


Dance Card

“I see that American Idol starts tonight. Let’s watch it Wolf.”

“Yeah, ok, Minnie. I guess.”

“That doesn’t sound like you. I thought you loved that show?”

“Used to. But now, I am luke warm about it. Simon is gone, Paula is gone, Ellen is gone, and I am not so sure about that goof from AeroSmith and what’s her name.”

“So what? They aren’t the show. The people who sing are the show.”

“Wrong again Minnie. Do you see those singing people raking in millions of dollars every year? It’s those judges that make the show. Don’t kid yourself. The singers are a dime a dozen.”

“I think you are wrong, Wolf. I watch it to hear the singing. And I could not care less about the judges.”

“Let me ask you this: If the judges don’t matter, why not bring back Kara?”

“Oh no. Not that one. She rambled on about nothing, and acted like a know it all, preaching to the choir.”

“See! I told you. The judges make the show. And I have to say I am happy she got canned. She got on my nerves.”

“So you gonna watch it?”

“I might. I really don’t like the first few weeks. All the kooks come out and try to act like clowns or William Hung and it gets old. But yes, I will attempt to watch it. And see if I get bored.”

“It isn’t like you have anything else to do, Wolf. Your dance card is not exactly full now, is it?”

“As a matter of fact, my dance card is none of your business. But thanks for reminding me. I better check it. I may be booked.”

Wolf took out her appointment book. She told Minnie she was sorry but she had a hot date and had to get ready to go. Her date was picking her up in 15 minutes.

The residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home gathered at the window to watch Wolf waltz out the door. A car was waiting for her. No, it wasn’t exactly a car. It was the rescue squad. They overheard the driver exclaim, “Oh no. Not you again. What’s the problem this time?”

“Jeez, I am so sorry. I thought I had called a cab. I must have dialed the wrong number. But as long as you are here, can you take me to the Sports Bar on High Street? It’s right on your way. And I am buying.”

The driver could not resist Wolf’s charm. They went to the Bar and had several drinks. A snow storm sneaked in and dropped a foot of snow. The roads were a mess. The bar stayed open until the wee hours when the streets were plowed. At 8am, the Rescue Squad dropped Wolf at the front door of the Home. The wide-eyed residents stared in amazement, as Wolf walked through the snow, leaning on the arm of the Rescue Squad Driver.

They were singing ‘What’s your name, little girl’.


Your falsies fell out

“Wolf. Look outside. It is raining! In January!”

“You idiot. That is sleet and freezing rain. And we were supposed to go on that bus trip today to Cabelas.”

“I am calling the bus driver. Hello? Mr Buttafuco? Are we still on? Am I what? Did you say crazy? That was a hell of a thing to say to an old ho. Look are we going or what? He hung up, laughing.”

“Just forget it Minnie. We will be staying inside today. I hope we can find something interesting to do. Hey, I know. Let’s bake some cookies.”

“Great! And I will make some hot chocolate.”

The girls decided on peanut butter cookies and an old favorite, candy cane cookies. Being the semi-organized old bags that they are, they gathered all the ingredients and put them on the kitchen counter.

“You make the peanut butter cookies Minnie. Ok?”

“Sure. I don’t even need a recipe for these. I am a pro at this stuff.”

“Me either. Let the baking begin.”

“Hey what are you girls doing? Baking cookies?”

“Look George. Get out of the kitchen. I can’t concentrate when you interrupt like this.”

“Excuse me! Here comes Frank and Patrick. Are you going to order them around too?”

“Yes. All of you. Out. Now look what you made me do. I can’t remember how much flour I put in this batter. And Minnie, what the hell? You didn’t add peanut butter to your cookies and they are in the oven.”

“I must have. I mean, I thought I did. But the old geezers started talking and I got mixed up and jeeze, I don’t know what I did.”

The cookies came out of the oven. Peanut butter-less. They were flat as a pancake and gooey. Even when they cooled, the cookies were running rampant. The only way to eat them was to use a spoon. And the candy cane cookies were gorgeous. But they were huge, some up to a foot long. And hard as a rock. But they were very festive, with the red coloring. The cook showed up for work and took one look at the cookies and grabbed one.

“Gee Wolf. These look great. I have to say you did a wonderful job on these.”

Then she took a bite and her false teeth fell out, with the candy cane cookie stuck to them. She quickly grabbed her teeth and attempted to release the candy cane. It was stuck. Frank showed up with pliers and helped her release the teeth from the monstrosity.

“I swear Wolf, you did this on purpose. You….you….imbecile. You….you…nincompoop. You are the world’s worst cook.”

“Sorry Hon. I couldn’t quite understand what you said. You really need to put those falsies back in your mouth.”

Soup’s On

“I am so hungry for homemade soup. I picked up a soup bone and some veggies, so let’s get to cooking Minnie.”

“I hope it is chicken soup. I like chicken soup. It is good for the soul, or something like that.”

“Sorry. It’s a beef soup bone, and some cubed beef. What else can we put in it?”

“Carrots, onion, celery, stuff like that.”

Minnie and Wolf put on the pot of soup, and went to the great room to watch the show on teens who are 16 and pregnant. While they were watching the show, the other residents sauntered into the kitchen to see what was brewing. No one could resist throwing in another ingredient to the soup. In went chick peas, cabbage, tomatoes, green beans, macaroni, barley, and rice. Wolf decided to check on her soup after the show.

“What the hell? Minnie, come here. I know my memory is shot, but I do not remember adding all this… this… stuff to the soup. Did you do it?”

“No. I was with you watching the show. Look at this soup. You can’t even see the broth. Who the hell messed with our soup?”

The girls confronted the residents, who acted like they were innocent.

“Not me. I know nothing about any soup.”

“Huh? Soup? Are you making soup?”

“Gee Wolf, can we have some when it is ready? We love soup.”

“Well, at this rate, there is no broth, so we will have to spoon this hodpodge into several pots and add water.”

There were 5 pots of the simmering mystery soup on the stove, enough to feed the Seniors for the rest of the week. Wolf finally called, “Soup’s ready”, the gang lined up for their share.

“Well, what do you think?”

“Hate to mention it Wolf, but I am glad you aren’t our regular cook. This soup has too much rice in it.”

“Yeah, and who put cabbage in it? You know we Seniors can’t tolerate cabbage.”

“Anyone want my chick peas? I hate chick peas.”

The thought of eating this soup for the rest of the week was too much to bear. The residents decided to do the “needful” thing and called up the women’s shelter.

“We have soup. Lots of it, to donate.”

The shelter declined.

Then they decided to put a sign out front. FREE SOUP.

No one showed up.

The cook arrived later that day and took one look at the soup and gathered the group together: “How many times have I told you not to do the cooking around here. Whatever you have cooked up is a mess. But luckily, I am a genius around food, and I will be able to salvage this stuff. You will be eating stew and casseroles all week, rescued from your attempt to cook. No more, Ok?”

“Gee, we are sorry, but it was Wolf who did it. She tried to make soup and screwed it up.”

“Figures. No more, Wolf. No more. Stick to your wine drinking and leave the cooking to me.”

Wolf put on her coat and walked to the pub. She ordered a glass of wine. The waitress asked her if she would like to see a menu. The featured soup of the day was vegetable beef. Wolf winked and said, “No thank you. But I will have another glass of wine. On second thought, why don’t you just leave the bottle?”


Queen Wolfie

“Hey, isn’t that football game coming up?”

“Huh? What? The superbowl?”

“Yes. That’s it. Who’s in it anyway?”

“Who knows? And who cares? We love the superbowl, not for the game, but for the commercials and the food.”

“Well, the gang’s all here for breakfast, so let’s get our heads together and plan our party.”

“Frank? Any ideas for the superbowl party this year?”

“Only one. I would hope that you women would be quiet this year, and let us watch the game.”

“Just what do you mean by that? That we women are loud mouths? I take offense to that statement.”

“Yeah, well ask any of the other guys. They will say the same thing.”

“Well, Gordon? What?”

“I played in the first superbowl, you know. Quarterback. We won.”

“Sure you did Gordon. What about you George? Do you agree with Frank?”

“I guess. What did he say, anyway?”

“Forget it. What about you Patrick? Are we women loud mouths?”

“Huh? Speak up. You know I can’t hear. Are you asking me what I want for dinner?”

“Oh brother. Hey, Willie, what’s your opinion?”

“Well, thanks for asking. But on what?”


“You said you wanted my opinion. On what?”

“Isn’t anyone listening? This is ridiculous. But it proves a point. You are the only one who thinks we women are too loud, George.”

“Nope. They all feel that way. So how about this year, you girls go into the kitchen and cook? And leave us guys alone to watch the game.”

“The bloody nerve of you George. You are a male chauvinist.”

“Yup. That’s me.”

“At least Gordon is not a chauvinist. Right Gordie?”

“Chauvinist? Who told you about that? Yes, I was a chauvinist back in the days when I ran General Motors. Made all the women wear short skirts. I was the most popular CEO GM ever had. Well, at least among the men.”

“If you ran General Motors, I am the queen of England.”

“Well, now that you mention it, you do resemble that old queen. Especially the way you carry that pocketbook around and have that snooty face. But I know for a fact, you are not the queen. She and I dated for many years and I knew her very well.”

“Excuse me everyone. I know it’s early but I am going to the Pub for a glass of wine, to quiet my nerves. Minnie, want to go with me?”

“On one stipulation, your highness. You take off that hat, those gloves and that snooty look. And no waving.”