It depends…..

“Can I ask you a personal question, Minnie?”

“Yeah, sure. You will, no matter what I say Wolf.”

“Do you need those, uh, you know, those Depends?”

“Huh? What? Depends? You mean those things that old people need?”

“Yes. I mean those old people things. Depends. Do you ever think you might need them?”

“No. I have a different problem. I am, well, you know, constipated. I wish I did need those Depends.”

“Shoot. I need to talk to someone who needs them. Do you know anyone who buys them? And if they work?”

“Look, you goof. I don’t ask those kind of questions. Who wants to admit they have that kind of problem? And are you saying you do? I mean, what the hell, Wolf? Are you having bouts of…of… you know, incontinence?”

“I am not admitting to anything. I just asked the question.”

“I know you Wolf. You wouldn’t ask if you didn’t have a problem. So, tell me, what’s going on?”

“Forget it, Minnie. I am just curious.”

Wolf made the rounds and asked the same question. No one admitted to using Depends.

“Where you going Wolf? Are you on your way to the drug store?”

“Depends. I mean, it all depends.”

The residents followed Wolf to the drug store. No Depends. Out of stock.

Wolf approached the Pharmacist and asked if there were any Depends in stock. The Pharmacist recognized many of the residents and said, “Oh I am so sorry. Your friends completely wiped us out. Maybe you can borrow a couple from them, until we get them back in inventory.”

“Oh? Like who bought them?”

“Are you kidding? All of these people bought them. Just ask any one of them. We should have them back on the shelf on Tuesday.”

With a furrowed brow, Wolf scanned the group. “You mean all of these people bought Depends? Well I am a monkey’s uncle.”

The group disbursed. They walked back to the Home, admitting nothing.

“Hoarders. All of them. And they know nothing about Depends? Right. Can you recommend a substitute? Until you get them back in stock?”

Wolf walked out of the Drug Store with a pack of diapers. The largest size they had. She put them on and walked into the dining room for dinner. Her slacks had a large bulge. Minnie asked her what the heck was in her pants? A baloney?

“Yes Minnie. We are playing a game. Find the baloney. And I have a surprise to anyone who finds it.”

No one wanted to find Wolf’s baloney. no matter what the surprise was. On Tuesday, Wolf bought 42 packages of Depends and wiped the Drug Store out of stock.

For the next 2 weeks, the number of bulging pants increased significantly.



New Borns

Thirty two days. That’s how long it took. We were all wondering if we were waiting for an elephant to be born. But it was only the goslings. Or is it the chicks? Or little geese? We could see the yellow fluff peeking out from Mama’s nest. Papa was guarding the parking lot, standing on one leg. For all those days and weeks, he was a staunch guardian. I had to admire his tenacity, loyalty and his patience.

This couple had become the talk of the town. Visitors were amazed at the brazen behavior of Papa Goose. No one dared to park near the nest nor near Papa. And if you happened to walk near him, well, fate was in your hands. Papa didn’t allow humans, crows or any other other predator near Mama and her eggs. Squawking, flapping and hissing were his trademark. This was his family. This was his territory. Enter into his zone at your own risk.

There is no human father that mirrors this behavior. If there was a father like this, all the women of the globe would “flock” to his side. I often thought that this father was a role model for all of us. He couldn’t weigh more than 25 pounds, but he was not afraid of humans, cars, trucks or any other predator that crossed his path. Never have I witnessed this unconditional love.

I hope the little ones thrive, and they learn the lesson from Papa, that the family is the driving force of love in life. And it is to be cherished above everything else.

Will they return next year? I have a feeling they will, to teach us humans that devotion and partnership is for life. God Bless them. They are an inspiration to all of us.


Method to Madness

Nobody said a word. She was on a rant. The Home was silent, silent as the lambs. The cook was admired by all, but not when she was on her rant.

“Ok everyone. This is your final warning. If I have to come in to work and clean up your mess, it is unacceptable. One more time and it is over.”

The group gulped in hysteria. Not the cook. She can’t quit. She is our life line. She is our savior. We love her. And we love her cooking even more than we love her.

Minnie approached her. “Oh gosh, we are so sorry. We watched a movie last night. You might remember it. It was a Bette Davis flick. And you know what? You remind us of Bette. You have her eyes.”

“I am not amused, Minnie. There was burnt popcorn in the microwave. And empty soda bottles on every table. And the oven was full of barbecued chicken, wasted. At least you could have put the chicken in the refrigerator. What is with you old folks? Have you lost your minds?”

Wolf spoke up: “Yes, as a matter of fact, most of these retards have lost their minds, including me. But you see, we are not responsible for our behavior. We really should have supervision at night. But we don’t. And we are left to fend for ourselves. You really don’t know how it is to be old and defenseless.”

“Give me a break, Wolf. I am not buying your nonsense. Either clean up or I am gone.”

“Ok. We will change our ways. You won’t have to clean up after us, anymore. Right guys?”


“For sure.”

“Of course. We are so sorry.”

That evening, the residents gathered in the dining room, to watch Citizen Kane. They made popcorn, and forgot it was in the microwave. It burned. The soda bottles were everywhere, and the barbecued chicken sat in the oven, overcooked and overlooked.

The next morning, the cook arrived and sighed. “That’s it. I quit. No more.”

The group was silent, lambs again.

Minnie finally got the nerve to say, “Oh no. Not again. Look, we are really sorry. We watched a great move, with Orson Wells. You know what? You have Orson Wells’ eyes.”

The cook told Minnie she was full of beans.

Wolf explained, “We are really sorry. It won’t happen again.”

The gang chimed in: “Right. We will change our ways.”

That night, the movie was The Godfather. Popcorn burned, soda bottles exploded and chicken? Well, it was still in the oven when the cook arrived the next morning.

The silence was overwhelming. No one dared to breathe. The cook was pissed off. “Ok that’s it. I am quitting.”

“You know what? You have Al Pacino eyes?

The cook had to laugh at the audacity of the group. She sat down and said, “Ok. Something is not right. Before I leave for the day, I am frying chicken, fixing lemonade and popping corn. There will be no need for anyone to do any cooking. Understood?”

Everyone applauded and profusely thanked the cook. They had won. No more mess. No more cooking. Never underestimate the wisdom of Seniors.


Dildo and Dodo

“Oh shoot. I have to go to work tomorrow. And I know that Dildo will not let me in.”

“What the hell are you talking about Wolf?”

“The goose. Minnie. That damn goose.”


“I have told you a million times. You don’t listen to me. That goose is patrolling the parking lot. He hisses and squawks and gets wild when you try to get into the building.”

“Oh, for silly. Just walk past him.”

“No. You don’t understand. Dildo and Dodo are having babies. And he is very protective. He stands there, night and day, guarding the eggs. He is out of control. I am afraid to get out of the car. He is wild.”

“That is ridiculous. A harmless goose. You should see a shrink.”

“Well my dear. You don’t have to walk by that beast. He stands in the middle of the parking lot and waits for me. And as soon as he sees me, he attacks.”

“You know what? I am going with you tomorrow. I have to see this.”

“No way. I am not putting you in harms way. This is not funny. That goose is controlling the whole building. I told my supervisor that if she needed a replacement, get the goose. He is “In Charge.”

“I suppose you are the only one he attacks.”

“All right. Let’s go down there right now. I will show you what he is like.”

When the girls entered the parking lot, Dildo was standing on one leg.

“What the hell, Minnie. He thinks he is a flamingo. I swear, this is one crazy goose.”

Minnie got out of the car. The goose immediately approached her, hissing and squawking and flapping his wings. Minnie raced back to the car.

“Oh my God, Wolf. What the heck is wrong with that goose? He thinks he owns this place.”

“Yep. Now you know what I have to face tomorrow morning. I may have to take vacation until the babies are born.”

At that moment, 4 crows circled Dodo. Dildo flew up in a frenzy and chased them away. The crows flew away, waiting for another chance to get to those goose eggs.

“Those awful crows. How could they? You know what Minnie? Get my beebee gun. Let’s get those crows. How dare they try to get those babies?”

“Yes! But…. How about tomorrow morning? Dildo will get you.”

“Who cares? I will put up with his shenanigans, until the babies are born. I love that Dildo. What a father!”


It would kill me

Saturday at the Autumn Years Rest Home:

“Are you going to tell her, Minnie?”

“Who? Who are you talking about?”

“You know, Pat. She has been working at home for over a year. And now her boss wants her to go into the NY office for 6 weeks, to train the new people. She hates getting dressed and taking the train. She will be wild.”

“How do you know this? Who told you?”

“I have my spies, Minnie. She will be told tonight. Her boss is joining us for dinner. Oh boy, here she comes now. I can’t wait to see the fireworks.”

The director, Ms Ratcher, entered the dining room, to announce that Pat had a visitor, a Miss C. O Yote. She was joining us for dinner and would be sitting with Pat.

“Come on Minnie, let’s get a table near them. This should be a blast.”

Pat was shocked to see her boss. She gushed over her: “Oh my goodness, Miss Yote. How wonderful to see you. And what may I ask brings you here?”

“Hi Pat. It’s been a long time. I am sure you have enjoyed working from the Home. You have done a wonderful job, but I need you to go into the NY Home office for awhile, to train two new interns. I thought it would be best to tell you in person. On Monday, please report to the Home Office. I am so sorry, but I can’t stay for dinner. I have an engagement. So nice to see you again.”

“Wait. Wait. I need to discuss this with you. I cannot possibly be in NY on Monday. I have an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon. My back is whacked out. I was going to call you to tell you I would be laid up for an indeterminate time. I am in so much pain. If only you knew. I am so sorry, but I will not be there on Monday.”

“Well, you can go to your appointment and then, catch the train. The girls will be waiting for you.”

“Wait. After I see the surgeon, I have to go to court. Jury duty. So sorry, but I can’t possibly be in NY on Monday.”

“Oh? You didn’t mention jury duty. Do you have your summons?”

“Huh? Well, in Pennsylvania, we don’t get summons. We just call in and the judge tells us when and where to show up.”

“Pat, you are full of beans. Just show up. Ok? See you there.”

“Oh my back. I am in so much pain. My doctor says I can’t travel. I am very sorry, but……:”

“Look Pat. You have been given a cushie job. You work from this Home. I am telling you, we need you to show up on Monday. Understood? Good bye. Have a nice evening.”

Pat followed Ms C O Yote as she walked out the door.

“Ms Yote, Ms Yote, you don’t understand. It would kill me to go into NY.”

“Good bye Pat. If you choose not to show up on Monday, I will be forced to terminate you.”

“No, no, no. I need to discuss this. Please.”

“Good bye Pat.”

Wolf and Minnie approached Pat.

“Hey what’s up? You gonna show up? Or what?”

“Absolutely not. I am going to the Doctor and he will put me on disability. I am a sick woman. It would kill me to go into NY. This is horrendous.”

The girls heard Pat calling her doctor. She told him she needed an emergency appointment, on Monday. Her back was out of whack. The doctor was dining in a four star restaurant, and said, “Look Pat. If you are in pain, go get x rays at the ER. I am off duty. Call my office and make an appointment on Monday.”

Pat asked Minnie and Wolf if they could get the van to take her to the emergency room at the hospital. Wolf said, “Look Pat. Just bite the bullet, go into NY for awhile and keep your job. You really need to get out and see people again. You are a recluse. And you need to take the bull by the horns and just do it.”

Pat fainted. The director called 911. The rescue squad took Pat to the
ER, where she was released that evening. As she entered the Home, she was overheard saying, “Let them terminate me. I refuse to go into NY. I am calling human resources to tell them what an abomination this is.”

On Monday morning, Pat showed up at the NY office. Unfortunately, the interns had the flu and would not be in, for at least a week.

Ms C O yote showed up and said, “How nice to see you Pat. I think you should continue to report to NY until further notice. And by the way, how was jury duty?”


Disappeared into thin air

Another Sunday at the Autumn Years Rest Home. Wolf was in a miserable mood. She arrived at breakfast and was unapproachable. The residents knew that when she had a paper bag over her head, she was not in a talkative mood. But not to be deterred, Pat sat down next to her and said, “Hey I just wanted you to know. You never looked better.”

Wolf replied, “Yeah? Well thanks for sharing that. You sure know how to make friends and influence people. Now zip it and git.”

Minnie tried to talk to her buddy, “Wolf, knock it off. You are only drawing attention to yourself with that bag. And did you have to wear one from the liquor store? It makes you look like a bar fly.”

“Thanks Minnie. Sure is nice to have a good friend like you who criticizes everything I do. So beat it kiddo.”

“No. I am staying until you tell me what the heck is wrong. This is not like you. Come on. Spill the beans.”

“If you must know, I lost my front tooth. I had it glued in, but it was making me talk funny, so I pulled it out and now I can’t find it.”

“Where were you when you lost it?”

“In my room. But it isn’t there. I looked everywhere.”

“It can’t just disappear. It has to be there.”

“Nope it is gone. And I had an appointment today. Dammit. Now I can’t go.”

“Appointment? On a Sunday?”

“Yes. At the Sports Bar. They are playing trivial pursuit and I wanted to go in the worst way.”

“Let’s go back to your room and look for the tooth. You can’t just give up like this.”

The two ladies scoured Wolf’s room. No tooth.

“See. I told you. It vanished into thin air. God is punishing me.”

“God? For what?”

“For being an old goof, I guess. But He took it.”

“Rubbish! Quit talking like an idiot. God doesn’t want your tooth. He has his own to worry about.”

“Nope. It’s gone. I think I will go out back and shoot myself.”

“Well, while you are out there, you better take your garbage. It is overflowing with beer cans.”

“I can’t go out. Everyone will notice. And I can’t see worth a darn with this bag, so the garbage will have to wait.”

“All right. I will take it, but lets get another bag. You need at least 2 bags for this mess.”

The girls started to divide the garbage into 2 bags when a tissue flew out and landed on the floor.

“Wolf, see what I mean? You are a complete mess. Grab that tissue.”

“HOLY COW! Guess what’s in that tissue? YES! My tooth!!”

“Why the heck would you put your tooth in the garbage? You are such a whack job.”

“Nevermind Minnie. Hand me that glue. This is a miracle. God must have heard me and felt sorry for me. He put that tooth in the garbage.”

Minnie just rolled her eyes and shook her head. As Wolf ran out the door to keep her appointment, Minnie heard her say, “Ain’t life grand?”