Take her out back and shoot her…

“How was your day Wolf?”

“Don’t ask.”

“Aw. Come on. What happened?”

“Someone had their speaker phone on and the phone went dead. It sounded like a heart machine, steady sound. And several people ran up to my desk to take my pulse.”


“Yup. They thought I had croaked. I played dead until the crying started, and then I said, ‘Just fooling.’”

“Whoa! I bet they were relieved.”

“Actually, they were disgusted. They wanted blood, mine. They all know my 65th birthday is coming up in a few days and they all thought I was dead meat.”

“Don’t give me that. They must have been concerned.”

“Sure they were. The Boss had announced that we had to cut the fat. And, as you know, I am a pudgy old bag. They were hoping I would be the fat that would get the axe. And when they saw I was still breathing, they made a mad dash back to their desks. I heard one of them say, “Can you believe that Wolf is still alive? I mean, I saw cob webs hanging over her head last week. I thought for sure she had been there for days, dead as a door knob. And she was faking it. Now what the hell are we gonna do? Someone is getting the axe, today. It should be that old bat.”

The Boss announced that an emergency meeting was scheduled for 2pm. Everyone, except Wolf, showed up.

“I regret to inform you that we have no choice but to lay off some of you, for at least 3 months. Our business is slow, as it always is in the summer time. Soft. That’s what I call it. Soft. Human Resources will be contacting you later today, to let you know your status.”

Wolf waited until 5pm. She was positively certain that she would be chopped. No call. On her way out, she overheard the HR Manager: “@#%#%! I thought for sure we could avoid this layoff. I mean, Wolf was almost certainly road kill. But she managed to squeak by again. I hate to get rid of the new guy. He is a keeper. @#%%@%!”

Wolf went back into the office and said, “Could someone please take me out back and shoot me?”

Several people volunteered to do the shooting. Wolf filed a report with Corporate: Co-workers were armed with weapons, looking to shoot Senior associates. The lay off was settled. Among the victims were the Boss and the HR Manager.


Do as I say, not as I do…..

“My gosh, Minnie, what’s that noise outside?”

“It’s the neighbors. They are having a party.”

“I thought they were religious. You know, no drinking, no smoking no parties.”

“That’s only what they preach, not practice. They only practice one thing: hypocrisy. It’s the same old tune. Do as I say, not as I do.”

“Let’s listen to what they are saying. Yikes, someone is telling a lewd joke. Don’t you just hate these phonies?”

“And listen to the raucous laughter. These are the same people who knocked on our door and left those pamphlets. Do you still have them?”

“Yes, I do. They are in the garbage can. Hey, let’s dress up in black suits and walk over to the party.”

Wolf and Minnie strolled into the neighbor’s yard carrying the religious material that had been left at the home. Wolf started the conversation:

“Good evening, all. I have been reading the articles you left with us. Care to discuss them?”

The party suddenly turned somber. The host said, “Oh certainly. Thank you for your interest. But as you can see, I am indisposed at the moment. Can we postpone this conversation until tomorrow morning?”

“Well, I really don’t think this can wait. This is all about God’s work on earth. Can we talk?”

One of the guests turned to Wolf and said, “Hey lady. Beat it. This is not the time.”

“Oh? Since when does God’s work have to wait? This article specifically says that we must be prudent, responsible and focused on humility. But I see that you are all half in the bag. Tsk Tsk. You are all going to hell.”

“Excuse me, you old biddy, but as far as I am concerned, you can go to hell. This is a private party.”

The host was visibly upset, torn, exposed. He finally said, “Ok. I have to admit, we are taking a short reprieve from our beliefs. We have to experience the wickedness of the world in order to combat it. Would you like a drink?

“Now you’re talking. Make mine a double. And while you’re at it, could you tell that joke again? You know, the one about Jimmy Swaggart? I didn’t catch the punch line.”

The party continued throughout the wee hours of the morning. The guests were stoned out of their mind, including Wolf and Minnie. When they said their goodbyes, the host said, “What time tomorrow?”

Wolf winked and said, “In your dreams Buster. Not interested. We prefer the evil life. Let us know when you are having your next party.”


Don’t let the door…..

Friday night, Autumn Years Rest Home:

“Want to go out and have a few drinks tonight, Wolf?”

“No way Minnie. I have to clean my room. My dear friend Dorie is on vacation and is stopping to see my tomorrow.”

“Wow. She must be something special. You never clean your room.”

“Yes, she is special. But you know what? If you help me clean up, we probably could go out later. What do you say?”

“All right. But, your room is a disaster. Maybe we should go out first and tackle it later.”

“You know what? I agree. Let’s go, girl.”

The girls went out at 7pm. They ordered drinks and dinner. And Wolf insisted on several after dinner drinks. At midnite, Minnie said, “What time is Dorie showing up tomorrow?”

“Huh? Who? OMG. Dorie. What am I gonna do? When she sees what a slob I am, she will be mad as hell.”

“Now wait a minute. We could bring Dorie down here, for dinner, and forget about your room. Why do you have to show her your room, anyway?”

“Because, you idiot, she wants to see where I live. She is thinking about moving here.”

“Well, kiddo, you are @#@%’ed. When Dorie sees your room, that will be the end of that.”

“But I told her she could stay overnight with me. Now what?”

“Hmmmm. Ok. I have a plan. When Dorie shows up, let’s tell her that your room is being redecorated, and it is off limits. You can bring her to my room. I have a king sized bed and 2 cots. We can all stay there.”

“Oh Minnie. I owe you big time. Thank you so very much!”

When Dorie showed up on Saturday, she was thrilled to see her old friend, Wolf. However, she had brought her husband, her 3 grandchildren and 5 dogs with her. Wolf told her about the remodeling and mentioned that they would all be staying in Minnie’s room. When they entered Minnie’s room, the dogs saw Minnie’s cat and went wild. The grandkids raided Minnie’s refrig. The husband raided the liquor cabinet. Dorie threw herself on the king sized bed and crashed.

“Wolf, what the hell? This is a disaster!“ The dogs chewed up Minnie’s couch, and the kids spilled grape juice all over the floor, as they watched the Playboy channel. The husband passed out on one of the cots. Dorie was out like a light.

“Come on Minnie, let’s get the heck out of here. Let’s go out and have a few drinks and dinner.”

The girls stayed out til closing time. They tiptoed into Minnie’s room, and witnessed the scene. Dorie was sprawled out on the bed, snoring. The husband had one leg on the cot and the rest of his body was hanging in limbo. The kids were still watching X rated films and the dogs were chewing up several pairs of shoes. The cat was in the bathroom, hiding in the tub. Minnie grabbed the cat and told Wolf she would never ever agree to help her again. The 2 girls went to Wolf’s room, to get some rest. The cat went into heat, howling up a storm.

Wolf had a 12 pack in the freezer. Frozen solid. She and Minnie waited for the beer to thaw and fell asleep at the dining room table. When they woke up, it was 10am. The cat’s ass was in Wolf’s face, howling.

The girls hightailed it to Minnie’s room. It was empty. Dorie had left a note: “Hey girlfriend, we woke up at 8am and were hungry. Nothing in the refrig. What the hell? And no one took the dogs out for a walk last night. Geez, Wolf, I don’t think I could live like this. I mean, the kids were watching porn, and my husband suffered a groin injury from that awful bed, and you were not even around. We waited until 9, and you never showed up. I guess you are still the same old ho you always were. Oh well, we are going to NJ today to see my cousin. We should be back around 8 tonight. Hope to stay with you one more night. See you then!”

The girls left a note at the front desk:

“Hi Dorie! We hope you had a great time in Jersey. We were looking forward to seeing you today, but, unfortunately, we will not be here tonight. We had to leave for an unexpected emergency. We checked the internet for you and there are several motels down the road that allow pets, but unfortunately, you have to pay extra for kids. Sorry we didn’t get to enjoy your company, but as they say, “Don’t let the ‘Dorie’ hit your ass on the way out.”


Pants on Fire

Wolf showed up at work at 8:02AM. The boss was waiting at the front door. “Well, I see you just made it again. 4 more minutes and you would incur an incident. If you recall, you are supposed to be here, on time, ready to work at 8:00AM. It seems you just can’t get your ass in here when you should. What’s up with you anyway?”

Wolf smiled and said, “Oh my fuehrer, I mean, Ms Fuehrer, I mean, Ms. Gasbag, excuse me, Ms. Gosbag, you sure look gorgeous this morning.”

“Don’t try to flatter me, Wolf. You are on rocky ground. You really need to shape up. Your job is on the line. There are hundreds, maybe thousands, who would love to have your job. So think about it. Sleep on it. Do you want this job or what?”

Wolf thought about it for a moment and said, “You know what? Chicken Butt.”

Ms Gosbag strutted back to her office. The girls in the office snickered as Wolf made her way to her desk.

Ring, ring, ring. Wolf’ s phone was on fire. “Hello, Wolf here. How can I help you?”

“Is this customer service? I have been trying to reach you for at least 10 minutes. Where is my order? I need it today. And don’t give me any excuses. Either deliver or we will report you.”

“Your order? What’s the order number and I will check on it.”

“Don’t give me that song and dance. Just get it here and get it here now.”

“Oh. Ok. Surely.”’

The customer hung up.

Wolf said, to dead air, “And don’t call me Shirley.”

Ring. Ring.

“Hello, Wolf here. How can I….”

“Wolf? What kind of name is that? No wonder you people can’t get anything right. I got my order today and there was cat food in the carton.”

“Oh? Do you have a cat?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.”

“No extra charge.”

The customer sighed and hung up.

Ring, ring.

“Good morning, Wolf speaking.”

“This is Fedex. We are trying to deliver a package to an address that you had on this package. It doesn’t exist. So now what?”

“We don’t use Fedex. We use UPS.”

“Well no wonder you people are hosed up. UPS sucks. Tell that to your management. Your company must be a fly by night. This is to officially notify you that we are destroying that package.”

Ring. Ring.

“Hey Wolf, this is Marty in Receiving. UPS returned a package. But I don’t know what to do with it. It has several unusual items in it, including a pair of UPS trousers, size 58 x 45, a box of Trojan condoms and at least 35 porn magazines. Do they belong to your account?”

Wolf thought about it for a moment, and said, “Well, when the UPS guy shows up, see if he is pantless. And see if anyone in your department can use the condoms. And one more thing: Bring those magazines up to Ms. Gotbag. She ordered those.”
Ms Gotbag was unusually light hearted that day. After receiving the magazines, she had shut her door and had emailed all the customer service folks. “I am indisposed for the rest of the day, doing research. If you need assistance, see Wolf. We need to give her enough rope to hang herself, that useless piece of @@#%%. Oh, and one more thing: I do not usually talk about my personal life, but as most of you are aware, I am dating a UPS driver, who is missing his pants. If any of you has any knowledge of his pants, please email me, discreetly. I would be most grateful.”


It all smells the same

When Wolf entered the Autumn Years Rest Home at 7pm, the residents were watching Wheel of Fortune. They had indulged in spaghetti and meat balls, after spending the afternoon, playing bingo. They looked at Wolf with glazed eyes.

“Hey Wolf. So how was your day?”

“Huh? Do you really care? I am the only one who goes out every day in the working world, while you idiots sit here and eat and play games. Life is not about sitting around and doing nothing. It is all about the real world of economics, politics and back breaking work.”

The group looked amused. Minnie winked at George and said, “Yes, of course it is. You are so right Wolf.”

“Don’t humor me Minnie. I have to work. You know I do. You are all well off, and I am just poor folk. I have to work to live at this crazy home.”

Frank spoke up: “Well now, Wolf, we are not exactly rich people. But then, you know all about economics. You either work to pay for your room and board, or you get the government to subsidize you. None of us could afford to work. Economics 101: If you work, you make too much and Uncle Sam takes back what you make. And no subsidy. Simple? Maybe, but true.”

Wolf glared at Frank.

George was next: “Yes, Wolf, and we all know you are an expert in politics, and we respect that. But did you know that we Seniors have more political power when we are poor than you working folk? We don’t have to file income tax. We don’t have to pretend we can afford this place. We even get money from the Pennsylvania lottery. Politics can be dirty.”

Wolf stared ahead, not saying a word.

Minnie finished the conversation: “Wolf, you mentioned back breaking work. I must say, you look like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. It’s just a matter of time, and that weight will break your back.”

Gordon strolled into the dining room and in his usual fashion, let one fly. He smiled and put his arm around Wolf. “Hey kiddo, what’s happening?”

“You know what Gordon? You made me see the light. It doesn’t matter if you are working or living in retirement. It all smells the same.”


The real news of the day….

Monday night, Autumn Years Rest Home: Dinner time.

George was reading the paper, and discussing the news with everyone. He loved to discuss the news.

“Well, well, well, Ms California won the Miss USA contest.”

“So what? California girls always win. It’s always the same: Texas, South Carolina, New York or California. Has anyone from Idaho ever won? Or North Dakota? And doesn’t THE Donald run that show? He is always looking for a new wife. How much you want to bet that he marries Ms California? He loves to dump the aging beauties.”

“What do those women see in him anyway? I mean, with all his money, he can’t even get a decent hair cut. And he has that fake Elvis slur. Check out his mouth. I bet those women only marry him for his money.”

“Duh! Ya think? Of course they do. Just like Heff.”

George spoke up: “Heff? He is devastated. His fiance decided not to tie the knot. He is heart broken.”

“Another ridiculous news story, George. Everyone knows Heff is at least 90 years old, and has taken so much Viagra that the paramedics show up every four hours.”


“Oh come on now. That man is in perpetual erection. He has blown the top off the myth, that anything over 4 hours is an emergency.”

“I don’t know, Wolf. He seems so sad. He really loved what’s her name.”

“Move on, George. Is that all that is in the news?”

“Here’s a hot one: Juran VanDerSloot’s girl friend is pregnant.”

“I thought he was in prison, in Peru, or Panama or someplace that starts with a P.”

“I guess they allow conjugal visits down there.”

“Well, she is a moron. He will definitely flip out on her, kill her and tell everyone that his father did it.”

“One more story: Weiner resigned.”

“Well, don’t worry, he will show up on Fox news in a few days, with his own show.”

“You know what George? I think you should skip the news and go right to the funny pages.”

“Yeah! What’s Maxine got to say today?”

“She says, ‘Life’s short. Eat dessert first.’”

The group made a mad dash for the apple dumplings. This was the news they were waiting for.


The parade of bikinis

Sunday afternoon, Autumn Years Rest Home

The men were huddled together watching westerns on TV. The women were huddled together discussing the men, watching westerns.

“You know, it isn’t fair. They have had those westerns on all day. When do we get to watch Lifetime TV? What do you think Minnie? Should we just change the channel and then run for our lives?”

“Forget it Wolf. They have the remote. We might as well forget our movies. Let’s do something else.”

“Like what? It’s too hot outside to sit and gab. The Home is on a cheap skate track again, and have shut down our room Air conditioners until tonight. I guess we are doomed.”

“Well, we could do something to grab their attention, and get their minds off John Wayne.”

“You are so right! Why didn’t I think of it? Let’s get the girls and ask them to change into their bikinis. And then we will parade around the TV room and the men will go wild.”

For the Senior women of the Home, bikinis were anything the girls thought of as swim suits. None of them resembled the thong/bra, 2 piece outfits of the younger set. Yet, they showed more flesh than most people could imagine. Sagging bosoms and blossoming heineys ran rampant.

One by one, the girls paraded by the men. It was the mother of all fashion shows.

George was the first to respond: “Hey, quit blocking the TV. This is best part of the movie.”

Frank was next, “Yeah, beat it. We can’t see the show.”

Patrick: “Why don’t you girls make us some popcorn.”

Jimmy: “Knock it off with that walking in front of the screen. What’s with you girls? Why don’t you do something worthwhile instead of prancing around like elephants in tutus?”

Gordon: “You know girls, I think you are getting dementia. Did you forget to put on your clothes? I swear your hind ends are hanging out again. And on your way out, don’t trip on those boobs.”

The girls were furious. How dare these nincompoops insult them. Wolf walked up in front of the TV and said, “You guys are really over the hill. You didn’t even notice we are in our bikinis. What a bunch of losers.”

The guys turned their heads towards the bikini clad girls, and abruptly turned back to the TV. “Yeah, Ok girls. Real nice.”

Wolf said, “OK girls, let’s go. Strip!”

The girls stripped to their birthday suits and began the parade once again. The guys made a mad dash out of the room, shouting, “Oh my God. Have you ever seen anything as awful as this?”

The girls switched the channel to Lifetime. They sat bare naked, watching the movies for several hours. None of the men showed up to object.


High Priced Duo

Friday night, Autumn Years Rest Home. The Director, Ms Ratcher, spoke to the group at dinner.

“As you all know, we have something special planned each Friday night. Tonight, we are taking you to the Kempton, PA Fair. Line up at 7pm and the van will take you to the fair grounds and pick you up at 10pm.”

“Are you going Minnie?”

“No way Wolf. It is hot, muggy and raining. Why would I want to spend my precious Friday night looking at cows and pigs, soaked to the gills?”

“What’s so precious about Friday night? What else have you got going for you?”

“I don’t have that many Friday nights left. I want to enjoy my time doing something I enjoy.”

“But they have entertainment tonight. A local county western band. You may have heard of them: Toothless.”

“Are you kidding? That band is one of those Senior Citizens fiascos. They really are toothless. And they can’t hear very well, so they are all playing different songs, all at the same time.”

“So what? We could sneak in a flask, and dance our asses off.”

“Nope. Last year, they caught us with the booze and threw us out. I refuse to be embarrassed again.”

“Oh Hell, they won’t remember us. Come on, let’s go.”

Minnie and Wolf boarded the van at 7pm. They took in the animal pens first and left suddenly when one of the bulls took a liking to Wolf and broke down the fence, furiously running in her direction.

Security was summoned, to get the bull back in his pen, just in time. Wolf was hiding in a chicken coop just as the bull spotted her. Luckily, a banty rooster strolled up and squawked at the bull. He ran like hell, into the pig pen, and a lovely female pig winked at the bull. It was love at first sight. Security was relieved that the bull had settled his attention on a new love, and let the two love birds, well, love animals, go to it.

Wolf was nipping quite heavily when the band started playing. She grabbed Minnie and they started to dance. The music didn’t make a lot of sense. Seems the lead guitarist thought they were playing “Free Bird” while the bass guitarist was rocking to “I can’t get no satisfaction”, and the drummer was too stoned to care.

Wolf stopped dancing and approached the old geezers. “Hey you morons, can’t you at least decide on what you are playing?”

Security stepped in and recognized the duo from last year’s fair. “Oh, no, not you again. Have you been drinking? This is a booze free affair. You have to leave. We can’t have drunk old bags hanging out trying to seduce the band members.”

Wolf spoke up: “Seduce? You have got to be kidding. Those old fogies have no appeal at all. What are they? 80 years old? Give me a break Sonny. Minnie and I would not be caught dead with those old goats.”

The van driver was watching the scene from his lawn chair. He was 30 years old, quite handsome and very charming. He walked to the front of the stage, and put his arms around Wolf and Minnie. “Come on girls. Your place or mine?”

The girls strutted back to the van, while the crowd watched in amazement. As they walked away, they heard Wolf say, “Are you sure you can afford us? Minnie only drinks the best stuff, Kutztown Birch beer. And I don’t come cheap either. It’s wine for me,and only the best baby. Can you stop by the liquor store and pick up a box?


Can the old bag

Wolf looked whipped. It was 7pm, when she slinked into the Autumn Years Rest Home. The residents were eating dessert. Minnie noticed Wolf walking towards her room, when she called out: “Hey Wolf. Come and eat dinner. There is plenty of food left.”

“Huh? No thanks Minnie. I am too tired to eat.”

“There is no way you should go to bed without having a decent meal. This is the 4th night in a row that you have not had a bite to eat. What the hell? Are you eating up a storm at lunch or what?”

“No. I didn’t have time for lunch. I was on the phone all day.”

“Why? What happened?”

“Well, I was told that my account is shrinking. That there is not enough work to support all of us. Someone is going to be chopped. And let’s face it, I am not exactly a prime candidate for survival. I am white, female and old. And if you must know, I am exhausted. I have a difficult time keeping up with those young kids.”

“Well, that is the most ridiculous thing you have said in a long time. You show up everyday. You don’t leave until your work is done. You don’t have family issues, and you love your customers. And you have more knowledge about your account than anyone else. So why so depressed?”

“I guess I am ready to quit. Retire. Leave. Let someone else have the account. I have outlived my value.”

“Wait a minute. If you think you will be chopped, why quit? Let them dismiss you. Let them chop away. And collect unemployment. Obama hasn’t cut that yet. 99 weeks of collecting is better than quitting and not collecting a dime.”

“Oh no, Minnie. I could not do that. I would look for another job before I would collect from the Government.”

“Yeah? Well, what kind of job do you have in mind?”

“I don’t know. I picked up the paper and am gonna look at the want ads.”

Wolf scanned the ads: There were several jobs available:

1. Model wanted. Attractive woman or man, for possible movie parts.

2. Director of IT, must have doctorate.

3. Window cleaning. NY city. Must be able to withstand heights.

4. Tractor Trailer driver. On the road 5 days a week. CdL required.

5. Waitress for topless bar.

6. Air controller. Must have nerves of steel.

7. Nanny for 5 kids, all with emotional issues.

8. Horse stall cleaner.

9. Earn $1500 a day. Selling vacuum cleaners.

10. Work from home. Send $400 for a list of opportunities.

11. Pastor needed. Males only please.

12. Account Manager, to replace retiring old bag.

“Ah hah! I knew it. Look Minnie, I am being chopped.”

“Hmmm. Well, go ahead, call the number. See what’s up.”

Wolf’s Manager answered the phone. She said, “Oh yes. We are looking for someone to replace a Senior associate. May I have your name and number, please? And I will call you in the morning.”

Wolf replied, “I would rather call you. I mean, I am working now, and I really don’t want to talk about a new job, while I am working.”

“Gee. Your voice sounds so familiar. Do I know you? What’s your name?”

“Michelle Obama.”

“Oh. No, I don’t think I know you. When could you start working? We need to get this position filled soon. We plan to can the old goat tomorrow, unless, of course, she files a complaint about old age discrimination.”

Wolf hung up and smiled at Minnie: “What’s for dinner? I am ravenous. I need my strength. I have a lawyer to see in the morning.”


The Sign

Tuesday night at the Autumn Years Rest Home:

The residents were sitting in the dining room, digesting their meal of scalloped potatoes and pork chops. Everyone was there, except for Wolf. She finally showed up, looking like something the cat dragged in.

“Hey Wolf. Rough day at work? Or what?”

“Don’t even go there. It was unbelievable. Ridiculous. 3 conference calls, 34 emails and 14 calls, all problems.”

“So did you solve all the problems of the working world? Did anything you do today make a difference to anyone?”

“If you must know, yes. I did make a difference. I was scurrying around, trying to get everything done, and then I noticed a sign on one of the desks. It said something very meaningful.”

“Like what? Take this job and shove it?”

“All right. Make jokes at my expense. No. It didn’t say that.”

“Come on, what? Tell us.”

“Yeah. Go ahead, Wolf. What did this omniscient sign say?”

“Nope. I ain’t saying. You are too flippant for me. You will never know.”

“Awwww. Don’t be a party pooper. Tell us.”

“Well, it was something none of you would understand, so why bother?”

“Wait a minute. How do you know what we would understand? Don’t get goofy on us. Just tell us.”

“It said, ‘Today is all we have.’”

“Huh? Everyone knows that. What else did it say?”

“That was it. Today is all we have. Think about it.”

“And how did that change your day? You still look frazzled. A real mess.”

“I may look like a mess, and I did have a tough day, but I went with it. Took it all in. Lived in the moment and took interest in everything I did. It didn’t alleviate the problems, but that sign changed my outlook. I attacked each problem differently. I would never experience those problems again. I was beat, but not beat up. When I walked out of the office, no one noticed, no one knew what I had been up against. But it didn’t matter. I had lived through it, and survived.”

“Yeah, but you missed dinner. We had pork chops. Aren’t you hungry?”

“Hell no. I failed to mention, that I stopped at the Sports Bar and had 3 glasses of wine and a T bone.”

“And we almost believed your story.”