Good night Irene

Friday, Autumn Years Rest Home:

“Irene is on her way, headed right for our Home.”

“Naw, that is all hype. It stimulates the economy.”

“How so?”

“People rush to the grocery stores and stock up on bread and milk. Have you noticed that some people have 14 loaves of bread in their carts? How much bread can you eat?”

“I don’t know. It looks very dangerous to me.”

“OK Minnie. So what should we do about it? I mean, is there anything that we can do about it?”

“The weather guy said we should not drive in flooded areas.”

“You don’t even drive, so I guess you don’t have to worry about that.”

“And they said we could be without power.”

“OK. Next.”

“Well, I worry about it.”

“I noticed. And does that help the situation?”

“No. But I can’t help it. I think about it all the time.”

“Quit watching the weather channel. Those people need ratings. The worse the weather, the better they like it.”

“I keep thinking about the rain and the wind.”

“Have you been outside today? It is sunny and hot. No rain, no wind. So why not enjoy what we have now? And suffer through the storm when it hits….. instead of reliving and imagining what it will be like.”

“Yes, I know you are right, but how can you just slough it off and not have it bother you?”

“Need you ask, my dear? It’s called the juice of the grape.”

“Aha! I knew it. Let’s head for the wine store and pick up a stash. I am tired of Irene.”



Gas Bag banned from Bingo

The residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home were playing bingo when the earth quake hit. The chairs and table started shaking and the bingo cards went flying across the room.

The reaction of the crowd was more devastating than any after shock could be.

“What the hell? Who shook the table? Was it you Wolf? I had one number left for a bingo. Whoever did this is a poor sport.”

“Yeah, I feel the same way. I was just going to raise my hand and yell bingo. I knew B2 was coming up. And then some idiot shook my chair and I ended up on the floor with my bingo card.”

“Your chair shook too? So did mine. How could anyone shake all the chairs at the same time?”

“And look at the bingo caller. Her balls all spilled out of the board. What is going on here?”

Frank ran into the room at that moment: “Listen up everyone. Get under the table. We are having an earthquake. We must take shelter immediately.”

“Under the table? You have to be kidding. I could not fit under any table. And if I could, I would never be able to get back up again. What? Are you nuts?”

“Nonsense. We don’t get earthquakes on the East Coast. Where do you think we are, California?”

“I am not kidding you. Turn on the TV.”

The news reporter was in Washington DC, announcing that the Capitol and Pentagon were being evacuated. The quake was felt all the way from Georgia to Ontario, Canada.

“I think this is a hoax. The Government is a mess, so they have to cook up something else for us to worry about. I don’t believe it for a second.”

“Well, then, what shook our chairs? We all felt it.”

Just then, Gordon walked into the room. He mentioned that he was quite gaseous, after eating baked beans for lunch.

The group knew immediately what had happened. The gas bag Gordon caused the quake. He was black balled from Bingo for the rest of the week.


Wiped Out…

On Sundays, the residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home looked forward to the Sunday paper. It was a weekly ritual. Frank got up early and sat at the head of the table, and read the headlines and interesting articles to the group.

At 9AM, everyone strolled in, anxious to hear what was happening in the world. Today, Frank was hot under the collar.

“Dammit anyway. I went to get the paper from the front yard and a possum was running down the block with it. I am pissed. You know how we love our Sunday paper.”

“Oh no. Why don’t you run over to the grocery store and pick one up?”

“No way. I am not dressed, and I am too depressed to go.”

“Wait a minute. Minnie picked up a local paper at the market yesterday. The KuKuville, PA Times.”

“Well, OK. I guess that is better than nothing.”

Frank read the headlines:

“Skunk alert. 3 baby skunks were seen running through the township. Do not attempt to approach them. They could put up a stink.”

“Oh God. Come on. What else?”

“Local boy wins prize for biggest tomato. At the KuKuville fair this week, Tommy Little won a blue ribbon for his prized tomato. No picture is available due to an unfortunate incident. An elderly woman got confused and thought she was in the grocery store. She took a bite of it and the rest is history.”

“Please! This is too funny.”

“The local police arrested 9 year old Hannah B. Nana and 8 year old Rich N. Famous for selling lemonade without a license. The police confiscated the lemonade and were seen drinking it at the doughnut shop. The 2 youths are scheduled to appear in court this week. A large crowd is expected.”

“Good grief. I can’t believe the stuff they write about.”

“Mrs. Richard Dick filed a theft report. She had spent the day washing clothes and hung her bloomers on the clothesline, to dry. They were reported missing. There is a late development in this story. A pair of bloomers were found at target practice. They had a large X painted on them, along with several holes. Mrs. Dick was saddened by her loss and reportedly said, “Those were my favorite bloomers.”

“Oh my God. This is really a hoot.”

“Ok, one more: KuKusville is currently out of toilet paper. The stores had a run on the tissues last week, and got wiped out. If anyone has any extra, please contact the mayor, John Whipple. He is completely out.”

“What a riot! You know what? This is better than our regular paper. Let’s get another one for next Sunday!”


No Booze allowed….

Saturday night, Autumn Years Rest Home.

It was announced earlier: Tonight we have a special evening planned. The First Church of Pennsylvania is hosting an evening of prayer and discussions. A lovely dessert will be served.

“So, who’s going to the religious thing?”

“Not me, Minnie. I can’t be bothered. Who needs a meeting to pray? I prefer to do my praying alone.”

“You pray Wolf? When? I have never heard you mention that you pray.”

“I am a private person. Why should I discuss praying in public? Besides, I have a previous engagement.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“A good friend of mine was in a car accident. I am going to see her in the hospital.”

“Oh my! What happened?”

“She ran into a train.”

“Oh no! Was she badly hurt?”

“No. The train was stalled on the tracks, and my friend didn’t see it until she rammed her Hummer into it. I guess the train had a lot of damage, but the Hummer was fine. They don’t make trains like they used to.”

“So why is she in the hospital?”

“Oh, she wants to collect disability. Whip lash. That’s what she said. Her neck is bothering her.”

“Oh. OK. I hope she will be all right.”

“Yeah. She wants me to bring a bottle of vodka, and orange juice. She said the pain pills are not helping her condition.”

“No way. You can’t bring booze into a hospital. What the hell?”

“Huh? Of course I can. I have visited her three times this week, and we drank a quart or two of vodka. And, I will have you know, we got on our knees and prayed together.”

“You know that they take blood tests, don’t you? What will happen when they see that she has a high blood alcohol level?”

“That my dear, is what we are praying about.”


Pants on the Ground

Have you ever woke up at 3am and knew it was going to be impossible to go back to sleep? Wolf went to bed at 8pm Friday night. At 3am, she was wide awake. Now what?

How about a cup of coffee? Why not? It was Saturday, everyone else was sleeping. All she had to do was to stroll down to the kitchen and flip the switch. Why get dressed? No one else would be up at this hour.

Wolf was wearing an old pair of Pjs that in the 50s could be described as baby dolls. She had picked them up at the thrift store and they were real beauts. Too bad they weren’t her size. The tag on the baby dolls said size xxxl. Yeah, they were a tad bit loose, but the price was right.

Wolf walked down the hall to the kitchen. Geez, it was spooky. No lights, no people, no noise. Eerie. That was what she called it. An eerie feeling.

She didn’t want to wake anyone up, so she didn’t turn on the lights. She pretended she was blind and felt her way into the kitchen and found the coffee pot. She flipped the switch. Gurgle, gurgle.

Wolf stood in silence until the coffee had brewed. She opened the refrig and got the cream, and found a cup. She picked up the coffee pot and poured it into the cup.

As she was pouring the coffee into her cup, the bottom of her baby dolls gave way and fell to the floor. She was standing in the kitchen, with a hot cup of coffee half naked.

She laughed and thought, “Geez, I see this all the time on funniest home videos. People losing their pants. I guess it really does happen. Good thing I am the only one up at this hour.”
At that exact moment, the room was illuminated with a blinding light. 14 residents had been watching Dancing With Wolves, and the movie had just ended. They had wandered out to the kitchen to get a midnite snack.

There was Wolf, holding a cup of steaming coffee, with her pants on the floor. The residents looked in amazement at the spectacle. That’s when the screaming started. The residents ran out of the kitchen.

Gordon: “My God! What an awful way to end the evening. Now you all know why I never got married.”

Frank: “Why would anyone run around at 3am wearing only the top of her pajamas? I can not believe my eyes. What a sick woman.”

George: “I feel sick. Can someone please get me a barf bag?”

Pat: “Hey, you hussie. Just what are your intentions? This is disgusting.”

Minnie: “Wolf? What the hell? You take the cake, you sick pervert.”

Wolf pretended she was sleep walking. She turned her back to the crowd and mooned them. Everyone ran out of the room. Wolf turned the lights out and laughed, as she finished her coffee. She hung the bottom half of her pjs on the bulletin board with a sign: “If you don’t see me tomorrow, at breakfast, I am getting a tattoo, on my hind end. WMD. Weapon of mass destruction. Be back at lunch to show y’all.”

No one showed up for lunch.


Chaos on Movie Night

Thursday evening, Autumn Years Rest Home:

“Oh boy, it’s movie night. What are we watching?”

“Settle down, Pat. We haven’t voted yet. Let me see…..we have a choice of three great movies. This is comedy week, as you know. The 3 top choices are My Cousin Vinny, Best in Show and Planes, Trains and Automobiles.”

“Time to vote. Write down your choice and I will pass the hat.”

The group took its time. This was a tough decision. But in the end, Best in Show won.

The movie started….

Gloria: “Geez, we really need some popcorn. I can’t watch a movie without popcorn.”

Frank: “Shhhhh. I can’t hear the show. Quiet down. If you want popcorn, go make it.”

George: “Yeah, and hurry up. We all want popcorn.”

Gloria: “You mean I have to make enough for all of us? That isn’t fair. I will miss the show.”

Gordon: “What the hell kind of movie is this? It isn’t a movie, it’s a documentary. I was a dog trainer, back in my day. And I can tell the difference between a movie and a documentary.”

Minnie: “Hush up. We are trying to watch the show.”

George: “Where’s that popcorn? Geez, what’s taking so long?”

Frank: “Can you all please be quiet. I have not heard a word of this movie.”

Gordon: “I told you, it isn’t a movie. Look at these people. They all own show dogs. These are real life people.”

Wolf: “You idiot. This is a movie. It is a wild take on dog shows. So zip it Gordon. If you pay attention, you might get it.”

Gordon: “Why of all the nerve. Did you ever show dogs, Wolf? I doubt it. You are such a dog, that the judge wouldn’t know what he was judging: You or the dog that was walking you.”

Wolf: “I refuse to argue with an imbecile. Can you please shut the hell up so we can watch the show?”

Minnie: “I can’t believe this. The movie has been on for 30 minutes, and no one has been able to focus on the show. Now knock it off everyone. This is supposed to be a great movie.”

Gloria: “Hey, everyone. Here’s the popcorn. What did I miss?”

George: “Who the hell knows? Hey, where’s the soda? We can’t eat popcorn without soda.”

Frank: “Yeah. And bring some napkins, will you?”

Pat: “I wanted butter on my popcorn. This is too dry. And where’s the salt?”

Gloria: “No way. I made the popcorn. You can get your own soda. Move over Gordon. You are hogging the couch.”

Gordon: “Oh no you don’t. I am comfortable here. Grab a chair from the dining room. I need my space.”

Wolf: “Would you all please stop talking? We are trying to watch this movie.”

Minnie: “I am so confused. What movie is this anyway?”

Gordon: “It’s not a movie. It’s a documentary. And a damn good one, in my opinion. Look at those dogs. Magnificent.”

Jimmy: “A documentary? I thought we were going to watch a movie. Someone, turn this off and pop in the movie.”

Wolf: “This is the movie, you idiot. It is Best in Show.”

Frank: “Hey, Minnie, the next time you are up, can you get us some ice cream?”

Minnie: “I have no intention of getting up. I am trying to follow this movie. But for some reason, I have no clue what is happening.”

At this point, in the movie, Cookie sprained her ankle, and could not show her dog.

Gordon: “Look at that guy, will you? He has 2 left feet.”

Gloria: “That’s not funny, Gordon. The poor guy has a problem. Why point it out?”

Frank: “You are wrong, Gloria. It is supposed to be funny.”

Pat: “Get us some ice cream, Frank. And quit making fun of disabled people.”

The movie ended when the group finished their ice cream.

Gordon: “Got to admit, that was one of the best documentaries I have ever seen.”

Jimmy: “So when do we get to watch the movie?”


Cultural Difference

Wolf’s phone was ringing when she got to work. “Hello. Can I help you?”

“Yeah, well, I hope so. I have been on the phone with your so called customer service for 25 minutes. They can’t understand me and I can’t understand them. Who are these people and where the heck are they? Is your company using over seas people to serve your loyal customers? I refuse to deal with those goofs. We have a cultural difference.”

“May I ask what happened?”

“May you ask what happened? What the hell? I needed help. I called the 800 number. My car broke down. I need a tow truck. I told the idiot that answered that I was on Route 309, and that… that person had no idea where I was.”

“Oh, I am so sorry.”

“Sorry? You are sorry? Not any more sorry than I am. I am tired of this b.s. What the hell are you doing to your customers? I pay over a hundred dollars a year to use your service. You advertise immediate emergency service. If I break down, I will get a tow truck. I called the 800 number on my card. And after a half hour, no resolution. Are you going to get me help? Or do I have to call the better business bureau?”

“I am so sorry.”

“Look, lady. Just get me help or I am reporting you.”

“I am so sorry, but I think you have the wrong number.”

“What? Get me the better business bureau’ s phone number, right now. I am tired of this game.”

“Most certainly. The number is 800 555 5555.”

The caller hung up.

An hour later, ring ring.

“Hello? I demand to talk to someone who can help me.”

“Uhmm, I believe we spoke, earlier. Did you get a tow truck?”

“No, I didn’t get a tow truck. I am stranded on Route 309. I think I told you this several hours ago. Right? Now, what are you going to do about it?”

“Uhmmm. Did you call the better business bureau?”

“You’re damn right I did.”

“And were they able to assist you?”

“Assist me? Hell no. I couldn’t understand a word they were saying. They were from some foreign country. What the hell is happening to the USA?”

“Look, I hate to tell you, but this is not an automobile service. You have the wrong number. But I can see you are terribly upset. I will call a towing service for you. Where on Route 309 are you?”

“Forget it. Some nincompoop in a taxi just ran into my car. What the hell?”

The caller left his cell phone on. Wolf heard the exchange.

“Hey you imbecile. You ran into my car.”

“Excuse? I no speak English. You need ride?”

“I need ride? What? Are you serious?”

“No, I not from Syria. I from Jersey.”


I saw a mouse today…..

Tuesday night, Autumn Years Rest Home

It was a boring day. No one had anything exciting to report. The evening supper was bland: Pasta and tomato sauce. And a lettuce salad, with low cal dressing. Blah.

Minnie: “I saw a mouse today. It ran through the yard.”

George: “Whoopie. So what? I saw two squirrels, chasing each other up a tree.”

Frank: “I had a headache. Wolf gave me two aspirins. I checked the bottle. They had expired.”

Gordon: “I drove to the laundramat and washed my clothes.”

Pat: “The dollar store had a sale. I got 14 bottles of water for $3.00.”

Gloria: “My sister called me. Nothing new.”

Jimmy: “There was a ground hog in the back yard. He was sitting on his hind legs, eating apples that had fallen to the ground.”

Tina: “I took the bus to the pharmacy to pick up my meds.”

Everyone was yawning. Boring, boring, boring.

At that moment, Ms Ramsey, the cook, came out to announce that dessert was ready: Strawberries soaked in brandy.

The residents indulged.

Minnie: “I forgot to tell you: That mouse, well, it was not really a mouse. It was an elephant. It had escaped from the zoo, and he thundered through the yard until he saw the mouse, and then he went beserk and I hopped on his back and rode him back to the zoo.”

George: “Hmmm, the 2 squirrels, well, I lied. I saw Pat and Frank chasing each other around the grounds. Frank tried to escape, but Pat chased him up the tree. Frank and Pat. Sitting in a tree.. K I S S I N G.”

Frank: “Ok, those aspirins that Wolf gave me? Well, they were in an old aspirin bottle, but they were really speed. I haven’t climbed a tree that fast in 40 years.”

Gordon: “I went to the laundramat, all right, but I ran into a gal who needed to wash her bikini. Being the ultimate gentleman, I offered to help her. The problem was that she was wearing her bikini. We came up with a great solution. I would stand in front of her and shelter her from the madding crowd, while her bikini was in the washer.”

Pat; “Well, I guess I should confess. I did get the water from the dollar store, but needed something to spice it up. The bottle of Jack Daniels I picked up next door, at the liquor store, really did the trick.”

Gloria: “Yeah, well, my sis did call. She told me she had left her husband who admitted he was a transvestite, when she caught him wearing her nighty to his poker game”

Jimmy: “That ground hog eating apples: I guess I should tell you the truth. Those apples looked so good, that I joined him. We were both sitting on our hind legs chomping, when our neighbor came down the road with a shot gun to kill the ground hog. He shot me instead. The ground hog looked at me and said, “You idiot. You really should quit wearing that fur coat. You look more like a hog than I do.”

Tina: “Ok. I did take the bus to the drug store. And I did pick up my meds. I happened to mention to the bus driver that I had volunteered in an expermental test to see if marijuana would help my digestion. He insisted that he accompany me. Geez, did we ever have great time.”

Just another boring Tuesday.


Teetered and Tottered

Monday night, Autumn Years Rest Home:

It was Minnie’s birthday. She got a package in the mail. A pair of 5 inch red high heel shoes. Her niece sent them. They were high vamp. Minnie wore them to dinner.

Everyone was seated when Minnie stumbled into the dining room. She teetered and tottered as the heels took quite a beating. The group stared as Minnie flopped down in her seat.

“Whew! That was quite a ride. Well, how do you like them?”

George: “Hmmm. Have you lost your mind girl? Those shoes will kill you. And give you bunions. Quite unhealthy. What happened? Did you lose your sneakers?”

Frank: “For a minute I thought a hooker was on the loose. But then I see you are wearing that same old pink house coat. Tacky, very tacky.”

Pat: “What size are those shoes, Minnie? As the chief fox in this Home, I could get away with wearing those. How much do you want for them?”

Gordon: “You know what? I like them. Well, not so much on you, but on the right person, they could be dynamite.”

Wolf: “For God’s sake Minnie, have you lost your mind? You have bad feet as it is. What ever made you put those….those horrendous shoes on? Oh, and by the way, happy birthday.”

Minnie: “You are all just jealous. I love these shoes. They are high fashion, high end and very comfortable.”

Jimmy: “Yeah? Well, to tell you the truth, they do attract attention. But, if they are so comfortable, why did you kick them off when you sat down?”

Minnie: “I want to keep them smelling new. There is nothing like the smell of a new pair of shoes.”

The cook announced: “Tonight’s dinner is a buffet. Come on up everyone. Grab a plate.”

Minnie walked to the table… barefoot. The red shoes were under the table. When she carried her plate back to eat, her shoes were missing.

“Ok. Who took them? Come on. Was it you Wolf?”

The residents heard a belching sound. The neighborhood dog had wandered into the dining room, to snarf up the scraps. He had a red shoe in his mouth. He ran to the door and George let him out.

Minnie took off after the dog but it was too late. Doggy had chewed one of her shoes beyond resurrection. Minnie was beside herself. She threw her other shoe at doggy in a wild rage. Doggy caught the shoe and took off, chewing and gagging, as he ran through the yard.

The group cheered. “Hey, Minnie, that dog has more sense than you do. He saved your feet and maybe your life. Sit down girl and open your birthday present.”

Minnie’s present? A gift certificate to Shoes R Us.

The next day, Minnie teetered and tottered in to dinner. Doggy was waiting in the wings. As they say, history repeats itself.


Fly, girl, fly.

Sunday, Autumn Years Rest Home:

The residents were crabby. Seems no one had a good week. The director came in to announce that lunch would be delayed. The cook had suffered a slight accident…oh nothing serious, but she was whisked to the ER, to get stitches.

George: “What happened? Is she ok?”

The director: “You know I am not allowed to disclose any privileged information. Hippa forbids it.”

Frank: “So just give us a hint? Is she still alive?”

The director refused to answer and told the group that she was fixing lunch for them, so please be patient, and they would be served in about a half hour.

Minnie: “Oh great. The worst person in the whole world to fix us lunch. She can’t make a peanut butter sandwich without screwing it up.”

Wolf: “While we are waiting, how was everyone’s week?”

Pat: “Awful. I fed the stray cat and she bit me. I had to get a tetanus shot and when I got back, the cat hissed at me. I said, “Ok, little one, let bygones be bygones and gave her a treat. She gobbled up her treat and I tried to pet her. That’s when she bit me again.”

Gloria: “Terrible. I volunteered at the food bank, and some idiot came in and said he needed help. His grandson was in the car and could I watch him while he got his food. Well, I looked around for the kid in the car and never did find him. When I got back, the old geezer had wiped out the food bank. Boy were the people ever pissed.”

Gordon. “Yeah, my week was a bummer. I was on my daily walk, when I saw a guy burning the flag. I approached him and told him that there was a proper way to dispose of Old Glory, and I was reporting him to the authorities. Well, he grabbed the half burned flag and chased me around the block with the flaming torch. He got me in the hind end and burned out the seat out of my pants.”

Jimmy: “My week was horrendous. I had to get a colonoscopy….and.”

Wolf: “Yeah, Ok Jimmy. Enough said.”

Minnie: “I had a very bad week myself. I joined weight watchers and they posted my photo on the bulletin board, along with a message: “Don’t let this happen to you. This is not the image you want to see in the mirror.” And someone penciled in, “This little piggy went to market.”

The director sauntered in: “Ok everyone. Soups on.”

Sure enough, peanut butter sandwiches. They were piled high on a platter, squished together, oozing with the gooey peanut butter.

“Hey, here comes the cook. She is alive. Are you ok? What happened?”

Ms Ramsey spoke in a drugged voice. “Huh? Where am I? What time is it? Who are you people?”

Wolf: “You don’t recall? We are in the cuckoo’s nest.”

Ms Ramsey looked up to the ceiling: “Oh. Good. I think I will fly over.”

The group cheered her on: “Go ahead, try it. Flap those wings. Fly girl, fly.”

Ms Ramsey stood on her chair and flapped her arms. She fell off the chair and cut her leg. Back to the ER.

The director had to fix dinner. No one showed up.