A New Year’s Ass Whoopin…

The Autumn Years Rest Home residents were preparing for New Year’s Eve. They would be staying up late to watch the ball drop in Time’s Square.

“Oh boy, Wolf, I can’t wait. We should have a great evening.”

“Not me.”

“Why not?”

“I ate all the shrimp last night. I couldn’t wait.”

“No way. You didn’t. That shrimp was supposed to be our treat tonight.”

“Yes, I know, but I ate them.”

“Not all of them. Not 2 dozen jumbo shrimp.”

“Yes, I did. Every last one. And boy were they ever good.”

“How could you? We paid $25 for those shrimp. You hog! You better go back to the store and get some more. I want my shrimp tonight.”

“I can’t.”

“Oh yes, you can. Get dressed and get over to the store and bring my shrimp back.”

“I called the store, and asked them to put aside 2 more dozen and they said they were sold out of jumbos.”

“Then get medium. Just go and get them.”

“Nope. They sold out of mediums too. But they do have salmon or cat fish left.”

“Huh? You have to be kidding. It’s our tradition to have jumbo shrimp on New Year’s Eve, and a bottle of champagne.”

“Well, forget the shrimp this year. And you might as well forget the champagne too.”

“You didn’t!”

“Yup. It’s gone. Darn good stuff too.”

“You better come up with a plan Wolf. I am not one bit happy.”

“Geez Minnie, don’t yell. I don’t feel so good.”

Wolf reluctantly got dressed and went shopping. She found a store that still had jumbo shrimp, and she picked up a bottle of champagne at the liquor store.

Minnie was ecstatic. “Thanks Wolf. See you later for our celebration.”

At 9pm, after a lengthy nap, Wolf sauntered into the TV room to join in the fun and games.

“Hey Minnie, did you get the shrimp? And what are you drinking? Champagne?”

“Yup. I took it out of the refrig. Gone, all of it.”

“What’s gone? The shrimp?”

“Yup. And the champagne.”

“Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!”

“So there Wolf. Turnabout’s fair play. How do you like it?”

“I guess you will have to explain this to George.”

“Huh?”

“Our shrimp and champagne are still in my room, in the cooler. You ate George’s shrimp, you goof. And drank his champagne.”

“Wait! Where are you going?”

“Back to my room, you idiot. I refuse to be here when George whoops your ass. Happy New Year Minnie.”

Wolf

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Sharing New Year’s Resolutions

When you share your New Year’s Resolution(s) with others, chances are you will be more successful. The residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home shared their resolutions at breakfast, New Year’s Eve.

George: “I am going to turn over a new leaf. I will no longer criticize others for being idiots.”

Frank: “Like who are you calling an idiot? I resent that.”

George: “I am not saying. My leaf is turning and I refuse to tell you.”

Frank: “Well of all the nerve! I know that resolution won’t last one day.”

George: “Look, you…you..idi..I mean nincompoop. Don’t tell me what I will or won’t do. What do you plan to resolve in the New Year, smarty pants?”

Frank: “I am going to do something worthwhile every day.”

Minnie: “Hey, at your age, just waking up is worthwhile.”

Frank: “Look who’s talking, you old geezer. I bet you are older than I am.”

Minnie: “Are you serious? Me, old? I am probably the youngest person at this Home.”

Frank: “Yeah? Well, you are delusional and probably have no resolutions either.”

Minnie: “Oh yes, I do. I am getting up every day at 6am and go walking.”

Wolf: “Ha! When have you ever been up before 9am? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You won’t even go out to the mail box. The only walking you do is back and forth to the refrigerator.”

Minnie: “Speak for yourself, Wolf. I hope you plan to give up wine, you boozy thing, you.”

Wolf: “No. I don’t plan to give up wine. My resolution is to drink more wine. As a matter of fact, I have half a bottle in the refrig. Can you get it for me Minnie?”

Minnie: “Absolutely not. What’s the matter with you? Can’t you walk?”

Wolf: “Why should I? You are the one who wants to do the walking. Why not start now?”

Minnie: “It isn’t January 1st yet. I have one last day before I walk.”

Gordon: “Hey, can I tell you my resolution?”

“Wolf: “Sure. Go ahead. We can’t wait for your BS.”

Gordon: “This is no BS. This is the honest truth. I am going to find a job and go back to work.”

Minnie: “Doing what?”

Gordon: “Well, I have put in applications in several places. Obama is looking for a VP, J Lo is looking for a new husband, the new leader of N Korea will need an older, well, more experienced advisor, Fox needs a replacement for Glenn Beck, and I auditioned for 3 TV shows: The Kardashians, Survivor and the X Factor.”

Wolf: “I am speechless. What a hoot.”

Gordon: “What? What’s so funny?”

Wolf: “If you don’t know, then I can’t possibly explain it to you.”

Minnie: “You should talk Wolf. Your resolution is the most asinine of all. More wine, what an abomination.”

Wolf: “Yeah? But guess what gang? I will bet mine is the only one that will last.”

Wolf

Don’t Tell Her the Cat Drinks

“What’s wrong, Wolf?”

“Oh, I feel really bad. Baby Girl got bit by a mouse. And she had to have her tail shaved.”

“Huh? Who is Baby Girl?”

“Minnie’s cat, you idiot. Everyone knows that.”

“A cat got bit by a mouse?”

“Yes. And the mouse ate a loaf of pumpkin bread before attacking Baby Girl.”

“Wait a minute. Slow down. A mouse ate pumpkin bread and then ate Baby Girl’s tail?”

“Are you hard of hearing or what? Yes. Baby Girl was attacked by a mouse, who ate a loaf of pumpkin bread, and now Baby Girl has no tail.”

“Did you see this mouse? I mean, what size is this mouse?”

“Why are you asking me about the size of the mouse? Does size really matter?”

“Well, yes, in some circumstances.”

“Don’t go there, you goof. I feel very depressed. Baby Girl is afraid to go down to the basement now. She knows that murderous mouse is lurking down there.”

“Can’t someone set a trap? You know, put some shrimp in a trap and catch the mouse?”

“What? Are you nuts? Baby Girl loves shrimp. She would eat the shrimp and get trapped and then the mouse would be sitting next to her, laughing.”

“Wolf, may I make an assumption?”

“I guess.”

“Are you sure a mouse ate the pumpkin bread? Maybe Baby Girl ate it and got so bloated, the mouse got pissed, sneaked up and ate her tail.”

“No. Baby Girl doesn’t like pumpkin bread.”

“How do you know?”

“She told me.”

“Baby Girl talks?”

“Yes, she does.”

“When did she tell you this?”

“Last night, over a glass of wine, but please, don’t mention this to Minnie. She has no idea that Baby Girl drinks.”

“A talking cat who drinks, a mouse who eats pumpkin bread and cat’s tails…I don’t know Wolf. Could it be that you have too much time on your hands? By the way, get my leash. I feel a pee pee coming on.”

“Whatever you say, Lassie.”

Wolf

pope si cola

Autumn Years Rest Home: Christmas, late at night.

Wolf knocked on Minnie’s door: “Hey Minnie, are you awake?”

“Yes. What is it? Is something wrong?”

“No, just wanted to let you know that the Pope thinks Christmas is too commercialized.”

“You came over here at 11pm to tell me this? What? Are you nuts?”

“Don’t you think this is funny? I mean, too commercialized? Isn’t that a hoot? He is supposed to be the leader of the Catholic world, right? And he just now realizes that Christmas has been trashed? What a riot!”

“So what’s your point, Wolf?”

“That the Pope is not smarter than a 5th grader.”

“Don’t be sacra religious Wolf. The Pope is not to be questioned. He is omnipotent.”

“Huh? I beg to differ, my dear Minnie. The man is out of touch with reality.”

“He has to be careful. He can’t go around saying stuff that will irritate his followers.”

“Look, Minnie, if Christmas is too commercialized, just what is the Pope proposing to do about it? Maybe he can visit the USA and tell the merchants to knock off Black Friday. Or is it Black Thursday now? It ain’t gonna happen.”

“We can all protest, and not get caught up in the hoopla.”

“Sure we can. You tell that to your grand kids next year, that the Pope says ‘ no more presents.’”

“No. I wouldn’t tell them that. I would tell them that we need to celebrate Christmas in a different way and….and…and that we need to give, not receive.”

“Oh yeah, that will work real well. Just like when you got a gift from Pattie this year, and you hadn’t bought one for her. You raced out and got her a present. We are all caught up in this game. Face it.”

“Well, I wonder, maybe the Pope is just tired of buying gifts for everyone and decided to call it quits.”

“Yes, Minnie. I saw him at Walmart last week, shopping his ass off. His Pope Mobile was loaded with gifts.”

“There you have it Wolf. He finally got as old as the rest of us and realized that there has to be more to this madness.”

“Well, Minnie, Christmas is over for this year.”

“Right. But I went to the Mall today and noticed the Santas have been replaced with Valentines.”

Wolf

Hi-O Silver and Away

Christmas Day, Autumn Years Rest Home

The residents were tired and slept late. They had had a wild Eve. At 11am, the crowd began sauntering into the dining room, nursing headaches and hang overs.

The Director, Ms. Ratchet, blew a whistle: “Hey hurry up everyone! Santa will be here any minute. And from what I hear, he has presents for everyone.”

Wolf looked at Minnie through red eyes and said, “Oh yeah. Santa. Remember last year? It was George, dressed up as Santa. You know there is no such thing as Santa Claus.”

“Don’t be so cynical, Wolf. At least we all got a present.”

“Hmmm. Yes, true. But tell me: Did you ever use your gift?”

“Well, no, I didn’t. But it was the thought…not the gift.”

Oh please, Minnie. Since when do we old folks have any use for chia pets? I hate those #%@#% things. Such a goofy present.

“Well, maybe this year, it will be different.”

Santa came storming in, just as the residents took their seats in the dining room. He looked disheveled and unkempt. And smelled of bourbon. “Ho Ho Ho. Hi everyone! Merry Christmas!”

As he made his way through the crowd, he was wobbling and weaving as he put a gift in front of each of the Seniors. “Got to go gang. Enjoy!”

He stumbled out the door yelling, “Hi-O Silver and away!”

The residents quickly opened their gifts.

“What the @#%@#% is this Minnie? I think it might be a condom!”

“Oh Geez, and I got some kind of panties made out of candy.”

George got an X rated CD and Frank got a vibrator. The gifts were all sexually related.

Gordon stood up and said, “Hey. This is great. I got a see through nightie. I had this on my wish list.”

The other residents were not so pleased. They asked Ms Ratcher what the heck was going on.

The Director was appalled. This was not what she had ordered. She immediately called the Santa service and asked for an explanation.

“Huh? You got what? Are you from the Swinging Singles Association? What? The Rest Home? OMG! Santa must have mixed up the presents.”

Later that afternoon, at the Swinging Singles Association, Santa delivered bingo daubers, depends, ace bandages, preparation H, and Vicks Vapo Rub.

One of the swingers was overheard remarking: “Hey man, this is kinky stuff. Way to go!”

That evening at the Autumn Years Rest Home, the residents showed their gifts to one another, giggling as they tried to imagine what they were used for. They were howling over the idiotic Santa, and his mishandling of the gifts…until Gordon came in wearing his see through nightie. Several people fainted and had to be revived by the rescue squad. It was a Christmas they would never forget.

Wolf

Purple Heart

Christmas Eve: Autumn Years Rest Home

It was dinner time. No one showed up. Ms Ratchet, the Director, was waiting for the evening crowd to show up for dinner. The mac and cheese was getting cold.

“What the heck is going on? I can’t believe this. Where is everyone?”

The residents were protesting. They were not happy with the increase in rent, and decided to have their own celebration, minus the cold mac and cheese. They had gathered in Wolf’s room and were drinking egg nog.

The music was blaring, Frank Sinatra singing “My Way” and “NY”, while the residents danced and sang along.

“Minnie? Do your strip tease for us!”

“Yeah! We want to see you flop around. We hear you were a pole dancer in an earlier life.”

“Who told you that? Was it you Wolf? You dirty rotten scoundrel. I told you never to mention that. I am pissed. You know what Wolf? I am gonna take you outside and bop you one.”

“Give it up Minnie. We are celebrating Christmas. Just go to it, girl. Show us your stuff.”

“Yeah? Well, only when the rest of you strip down to your skivvies. Then I will show you.”

The residents began removing their clothing. Sweat pants, t shirts and robes were thrown into a pile. Everyone was down to their panties and bras. Well, except for one of the guys. Gordon was wearing a purple bra that he had purchased from Victoria’s Secret. It was a doozy. The crowd stared in amazement.

Gordon and Minnie began doing the twist. Yes, the twist. Wolf put on an old 45: Chubby Checkers. And the crowd went wild. They formed a human chain and followed George outside the building. He has always been a leader. And besides, he needed a smoke. 35 residents were suddenly outside, in their underwear. The door closed behind them. They were locked out.

Wolf had the foresight to bring several bottles of egg nog with her and the group passed the bottle, to fight off the cold. The inebriated seniors decided to go door to door, caroling.

There they were: 35 Seniors caroling, in the neighborhood, in their underwear. The cops were called.

Officer O’Malley showed up. “Oh my God. What the heck is this? You must be freezing! What is happening here?”

The residents told them they had been locked out of the Home, on, of all nights, Christmas Eve. That the Director was a mean and evil woman who had raised their rent and then locked them out. And, can you believe it? Was serving mac and cheese for dinner.

Wolf passed the egg nog to O’Malley. He said, “Oh what the @#@#%, it’s Christmas” and took a swig. “Gee, this is good stuff.”

He joined the carolers as they went through the neighborhood. The residents and O’Malley were invited in to several homes, where they dined on shrimp, oyster and several hot toddies.

At midnight, the group decided to go out and look for Santa. O’Malley was high as a kite by then. He led the residents back to the Home and grabbed his bull horn.

“Ms Rathchet! This is the police. Open that door immediately. You are under arrest for…for… being a grinch. Either you reduce the rent of these good folks, or I will expose you for locking out these seniors in their undies, and for serving them mac and cheese on Christmas Eve.”

Ms Ratchet appeared in the doorway. She was high on pot but knew that she was in deep do do.

“Oh wow! Man! I am so sorry! There will be no increase in rent. And come in, all of you. You look frightful.”

The residents were ecstatic. O’Malley followed them in and asked Ratchet to share her pot with the group. They partied until dawn.

Gordon finally relinquished his purple bra and gave it to O’Malley. He said: “Hey Bro, this is for you. The Purple Heart. We love you man.”

O’Malley called his wife: “Hi Hon. You will never believe this, but I got the purple heart tonight.”

Mrs. O said: “Oh? That is wonderful. Bring it home. We will frame it.”

Wolf

The State of the Union

Thursday evening, Autumn Years Rest Home:

Ms Ratchet, the Director of the Home gave her annual report:

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am pleased to be here tonight to present the state of the union.

2011 was a very difficult year. As you know we had a hurricane, an earthquake and a series of floods, along with the October 31st snow storm. And we did incur quite a bit of damage to our Home. But that was quickly resolved, when we moved everyone to a shelter for a few months, and had this place gutted. However, everyone survived and we are all here tonight.

We lost only one resident this past year, God love her. She was a tad bit looney, as they say, and we had to transport her to the “Special Needs Hospital” where, as I understand, she is doing quite well, but has been transformed into a living vegetable. But she is oblivious to her surroundings and highly drugged, so she has no pain. Her family visits her on Easter and Christmas, and when they enter her room, she rings a bell, to have them removed. Seems she can ring that bell when anything irritates her. From what I hear, the nurses hear that bell so often, that they say, ‘Every time a bell rings, an angel poops his pants.’ Or is that an angel poops her pants. Whatever.

Now, to get to the meat of the matter. We are operating at a loss. Yes, unfortunately, we are losing our butts on this place. So, I have the unholy business of letting you know that we have no choice but to raise the rent. Oh, not to worry. It is not a huge increase. But it will cost everyone $100 dollars more a month to live in our lovely Home. For those of you on Social Security, you are about to get a 3% raise. Good for you. So, with that raise, you will only need to cough up about 75 bucks from your personal stashes to live here. And since we must have the money on the 1st of every month, please write a check out tonight, to the Home, so we can cover our expenses and provide you with a wonderful holiday meal.

We will be serving a buffet on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and hope you enjoy it. If you plan on inviting your families to the buffet, please ask them to bring a dish or two, so we will have enough to go around. We will be serving mac and cheese, and with the dishes from your families, we should have a meal fit for a king. Or queen, of course.

If your family would like to sign up for our festive pot luck, we really would like to have several hams, turkeys and 7 or 8 rib roasts. And home made cookies would be lovely. And tips are always welcome.

Now, for New Year’s, we really don’t believe in wild parties. So we have invited a string quartet to entertain you during dinner. Our dinner will be the traditional Pennsylvania New Year’s feast: Pig stomach and green beans.

If you plan on inviting your families to the festivity, please ask them to bring libations: wine, bourbon, vodka, well, let’s face it, any booze of their choice. We will be supplying the ice. But since ice is not cheap, we will be asking for a 5 dollar cover charge.

I want to leave you with a special message tonight, straight from my heart: My best wishes for a healthy and happy holiday. This time of year makes my heart sing, so if you don’t object, I will be making the rounds, looking for a hug from each of you…along with your check. Thank you and may we have many more years together.”

“Hey Minnie?”

“Yeah Wolf?”

Merry #%@#@#% Christmas.

Wolf

I smell smoke

Sunday, Autumn Years Rest Home:

The residents were discussing their plans for Christmas. Everyone seemed excited. They had plans to visit their families. All except for one…..

“What about you Wolf? No plans?”

“Huh? Oh, me? No, I have no plans.”

“Why not? You have family that always comes up on Christmas to see you. What’s going on?”

“Oh, they can’t make it this year.”

“Why? Is something wrong?”

“Yeah. Sickness. Very sick family.”

“Come on. Tell us. What is going on?”

“Well, my sister in law refuses to see me this year. Seems she has a problem with my smoking. So she said she would not come into this Home. She smells smoke in here. And if I wanted to see her, we could meet at a restaurant.”

“What the hell? You don’t smoke in front of her, do you?”

“No. I don’t. But she claims she can smell it.”

“And she can’t smell it at a restaurant?”

“I guess not. But no problem. I refuse to travel on Christmas to a restaurant. Nothing is open anyway. So, I have no plans.”

“So you don’t get to see your family? That is awful.”

“Not really. Last year, I got loaded, before they came up from Virginia. And I had a blast. But apparently, she didn’t. She wants a Christmas without smoke. And without fun. So, that is that.”

“Did you call her to discuss this problem?”

“Huh? Oh no. I am not calling her. She prefers to do something else. So, let her do it.”

“Why don’t you come with me? My family would love to see you.”

“No thanks, Minnie. I thought they were coming so I ordered shrimp and clams and a veggie platter from the deli. I think I will stay here and eat to my hearts’ content.”

“Shrimp and clams? Wow! That sounds great.”

“Yeah. I think so. Last year, we talked about what we wanted to eat, and that is what they wanted, so, to hell with them. I will eat my heart out.”

“By yourself?”

“Yes. Unless anyone wants to join me.”

“Gee. Can I stay? I really don’t want oyster stew again this year. I am dying for some shrimp.”

“So am I. I hate going to my kids house for dinner. They get chicken from KFC. And the stuff sucks.”

“Me too. I get pizza. Can you believe it? Pizza on Christmas.”

“My kids are health nuts. Tofu and raw fish. Awful.”

“Ok. But what are you gonna tell your families?”

“No problem Wolf. Once the gifts are open, they could not care less if we were there or not. They will be happy to drop us back off at the Home.”

“Great! How’s 2 o’clock sound?”

“Fabulous! And we will bring the egg nog and wine.”

“Gee whiz! This should be the best Christmas ever!”

Wolf

Tell them what they want to hear…..

Wolf got up at 5am, got dressed, made a lunch and went to work. She was greeted by this:

“Hi Wolf. Are you ok? I mean, aren’t you feeling well?”

“I am fine. Why?”

“You weren’t here yesterday.”

“Oh yes. I took a day off.”

“Nice. I bet you got ready for Christmas. Did you bake?”

“No.”

“Decorate?”

“No.”

“I know: You went shopping.”

“No.”

“Hey Wolf. Where have you been? We missed you yesterday.”

“I took a day off.”

“Gosh, I wish I had vacation left. This is such a busy time of year. I bet you were happy to have a day to get everything done.”

“Well, yes. I did get everything done that I had planned.”

“It must be nice to be so organized. I wish I could take time off. Did you get everything wrapped?”

“No. I didn’t wrap anything.”

“Well, at least you got the tree up, right?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“So, may I ask, just what did you do?”

“Nothing, really.”

“Oh? Nothing? So why did you take a vacation day?”

“Because I wanted to be off.”

“Hey girls, listen to this: Wolf took a vacation day and did nothing. That is too funny. Now tell us what you really did.”

Wolf sensed that she had to tell them something. She thought about what she had done yesterday:

… Slept late

… Took a bubble bath

… Read a book

…Made a trip to the bakery for pastries

…Watched an old Hitchcock movie on TV

…Polished her nails

…Played games on the internet.

“Well, Ok, I guess I can tell you what you really want to hear: I got up early, baked 12 dozen cookies, went to the mall and completed my shopping, picked out a tree, cut it down and brought it home to decorate, finished my Christmas cards and went to the movies.”

“Geez, Wolf. You did a lot. So why did you lie to us and tell us you didn’t do anything?”

“Yeah Wolf, were you afraid to tell us the truth? Did you think we would really believe you? You can’t fool us, Wolf. We know you would never take a day off to do nothing.”

“You know, Wolf, you did pretty good for someone your age. You better take it easy today, girl. You must be exhausted.”

“Yes, girls, you know how it is: Those vacation days can be brutal. I couldn’t wait to get back to work to get some rest.”

Wolf

What is a vacation?

Monday, Autumn Years Rest Home:

“Hey Wolf. It’s 10am. You are late for work!”

“I took a vacation day today Minnie. No work for me today.”

“Oh super! What do you have planned?”

“Nothing.”

“What? You took a day off and don’t have anything planned? Let’s bake cookies, or go shopping, or go to the movies and lunch.”

“Nope. It’s my day off. Get it? Day off. Day to do nothing.”

“That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. No one takes a day off to do nothing. You really should not waste a vacation day. You should be productive, busy, doing stuff you keep putting off.”

“That is exactly what I am doing. I have been putting off doing nothing, and today is the day I catch up.”

“You will kick yourself tomorrow, if you don’t do something today.”

“No guilt trip, Minnie. This is my day and I plan to squander every minute.”

“You know what Wolf? You are not normal. You get up every day at 530am, go to work and come home around 6pm. You work like a dog and then when you finally get a day off, you sit around like a goof and do nothing? Not normal, Wolf. Not one bit normal.”

“Go away Minnie. I am enjoying my do nothing day.”

“You should be like Gloria. She went to the Philadelphia outlets on her vacation day. And Mary Cat invited her friends over for a brunch. And George took the bus to Atlantic City to gamble. They know how to live, Wolf. Take a lesson from them. Do something.”

“Thanks for sharing that Minnie. I know very well what some people do on their vacation days. And I need a day to do absolutely nothing.”

“What fun is that? Sitting here by yourself. It is not healthy Wolf. It really isn’t.”

“Right Minnie. So, beat it. I prefer to be unhealthy by myself.”

“I will not take no for an answer. Get dressed. We can discuss this over a nice lunch at the Cracker Barrel.”

“Minnie, what do you not understand? I prefer to be here, alone, doing nothing today.”

“But why?”

“Why? My dear Minnie, if you had listened to yourself, when you were scolding me about my vacation day, you would know why.”

“Huh?”

“If you recall, you mentioned that I get up every day at 5am, talk to people all day long, come home around 6pm, and get ready for the next day.”

“Yes.”

“You still don’t get it, do you?”

“No Wolf. I don’t.”

“Excuse me, Minnie. I am taking a bubble bath and then curling up with John Grisham.”

“Oh so that’s it. There’s a guy in your life. Why didn’t you just say so?”

Wolf