Which one is the lunatic?

Wolf was waiting by the door. Her friend, Donna, was coming over to have dinner at the Home, to scout out the joint for her Auntie Jo. Seems that Jo was in the market for a new place to live. She was a teensy bit nuts, according to Donna. And poor Donna was beside herself trying to find a place for her crazy Auntie to live.

“Donna! Hi! So good to see you!”

“Hey Woofie. Good to see you. Been a long time.”

“What? Not really, dear. We were both at work today. Remember?”

“Oh yeah. That’s right. Sorry. I forgot you still worked there. I heard a rumor that you retired….or died. I forget which.”

“Don’t you remember? We had lunch together.”

“We did? Geez, there were so many people in the lunch room that I really can’t recall who was there.”

“Yes, true. But you said Auntie Jo was a tad bit looney and you were looking for a place for her to live. And I told you that I had the perfect place for Jo, that our Home was full of nut cases.”

“Well, that must be why I am here. I must admit I have been having black-outs lately. Your name really is Wolf, right?”

“Yup. Wolf. Now, Donna, did you bring Jo with you? Or are you alone?”

Oh Geez, I forgot. Jo is in the car. I better get her.”

When Jo walked into the Home, she appeared to be slightly inebriated. Tipsy is the word Wolf would use.

“Hey girls, so this is the place my niece wants to put me. Why in the hell would I want to live with a bunch of old people? Please!”

Wolf was delighted. Another boozer. Yes.

“Well, well, well. Jo! So good to meet you. Let’s go to my room and talk and maybe have a cocktail or two.”

“Now you’re talking sister. Go ahead and eat, Donna. We’ll catch up with you later.”

Donna sat down among the residents who tried to engage her in conversation. Too bad the stressed out Donna forgot what the hell she was doing there. She excused herself and said she had to leave to take her Aunt Jo to the liquor store.

Meanwhile, Jo and Wolf enjoyed an evening of brandy and Mr Good Bars, while they discussed the pros and cons of living at the Autumn Years Rest Home. Jo said she was happy living alone, but her lunatic niece was truly a nut ball, and wanted her to live with old people.

At 1030pm, Donna showed up to see if Wolf might know the whereabouts of her aunt. She thought she had taken her to the liquor store, but she never came out.

As the two of them walked to Donna’s car, Wolf thought: “I wonder if it is genetic.”

Wolf

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The skunk started it

“So what happened in the past 4 days, while I was down and out for the count?”

“You missed it, Wolf. Too bad you were sick.”

“Missed what?”

“For starters, on Thursday, Gordon left the door open and a skunk got in. We all ran for our rooms, and the skunk helped himself to the buffet, before he decided to let his scent fly all over the dining room. Pest control came out and finally caught the little bugger headed for Minnie’s room.”

“Figures. A skunk knows where to go to be with his own.”

“Then on Friday, we couldn’t eat in the dining room, It was being de-skunked, so the van took us to Jersey for the day, for a leisurely day of dining and sight seeing. Only problem, we got lost and ended up in Camden. The driver spotted a diner and let us out, so we could eat, and while we were in the diner, some goofs high jacked the van, along with the driver.”

“Oh no! Then what?”

“Well, the car jackers turned out to be friends of the driver, druggy types, so when the cops finally caught them, they confiscated the van and took the driver and his friends in for questioning.”

“How did you find out?”

“The cops came back to the diner and told us that we would have to find our own way back to Pennsylvania. We called Ms. Ratchet, and she rented a bus and drove to Jersey to get us. Then she got lost and we ended up in Philly, where the president was speaking.”

“Did you get to see him?”

“Hell no. The police thought we were part of the Tea Party and channel 6 was there, interviewing, and we got to be on TV. Gordon spoke up and said the skunk started all this, and if we had half the chance, we would kill the bastard.”

“Did he bother to explain?”

“Nope. We were arrested for threatening the president. But Ms Ratchet finally explained and we were allowed to leave. Ms Ratchet got lost again and we ended up in Scranton, where a furious snow storm was brewing. We had to sleep in the bus, and eat candy bars.”

“What kind?”

“Huh? What the hell? Why does it matter? We ate candy bars and froze our asses off. It was Saturday night before we got home, and the place still smelled skunky.”

“Oh ok. But did anything exciting happen?”

Wolf

Everyone needs an axxhole

Minnie was seen walking out of the dining room, carrying a bowl of chicken soup.

“Where you going with that soup? Stay here with us and eat.”

“Wolf is sick. Haven’t you missed her? She has been in bed for three days.”

“Frankly, no. It has been nice and quiet. No drama.”

“Aren’t you the least concerned? I mean, this is an old woman, with the flu.”

“Yeah, tell her to quit faking it and get her butt out here.”

“That is cruel. Wolf says she has lost at least 20 lbs in the past few days. Wait! Here she comes now.”

Wolf sauntered out to the dining room, pale as a ghost, hair standing straight up, legs wobbling, and stooped over in a stance that would knock the socks off Frankenstein.

“Hey girl. How you feeling?”

“Fabulous.”

“You look fantastic. Love that spiked hair do.”

“Shut the hell up. It’s not nice to make fun of sick old people.”

“What’s wrong? Too much partying?”

“Yeah, that’s it. Partying.”

“Want some soup?”

“Hell no. I came out here to let you know that I am still alive, even though no one bothered to check on me.”

“We checked. Frank read the obituaries every day. You weren’t there.”

“Seriously, do you think I look all right? I mean, do I look normal?”

The residents rolled their eyes. No one would respond. Wolf never looked normal. And today she looked particularly abysmal.

“All right, fine. I am going back to my room.”

Wolf stumbled on her way out and fell on the floor. The residents swarmed around her, concerned, and feeling sorry that they had not been more sensitive. As they kneeled over the body of the fallen Wolf, guilt ridden and remorseful, Wolf suddenly sprang to life.

“Gotcha! Just fooling!”

“Why you miserable old goat. Why do you do these things, you axxhole?”

“Come on guys! Without an axxhole around, life would be a bore.”

Wolf

Snapped

“How was your day Wolf?”

“Why?”

“Just asking, you idiot. Did you have a nice day at work?”

“No. I had a crappy day, Minnie. How was yours?”

“Don’t change the subject, tell me. What happened?”

“All right. I will tell you. I got to work at the usual time, clocked in, did my usual song and dance. Said hello to everyone, checked my reports, picked up the orders, and was hungry as a bear. So I ate an apple turnover, 14 oreos and a tuna sandwich at 9 am, and threw up.”

“Whoa! How awful!”

“That was just the beginning. I ran to the bathroom, and there was a sign on the door: OUT OF ORDER.”

“Yikes!”

“Yup, and then I noticed the stream of people leaving the building. They had to pp and were bursting at the seams, so they left in a huff, holding their hind ends.”

“So did you leave?”

“No. I decided to stay the course. I had a bladder that was raging and a stomach that was bulging, and my pants decided to give up the ghost. The snap that was holding up my pants, snapped.”

“Did your pants fall off?”

“No, worse. My other undergarment gave way, and my boobs were flopping around.”

“I can’t believe you stayed at work.”

“Oh hell, no one noticed. I just sat at my desk and ate a bag of chips.”

“Wow! You did have a crappy day.”

“Oh that is only the beginning. I had to attend a meeting. So I walked in, with pants falling, boobs flopping and stomach bulging, and somehow managed to flash a big smile. Only problem was that the oreo crumbs had lodged in my front teeth. I was a fright.”

“Did someone tell you?”

“No, several people were pointing at their mouths, and a few tried to whisper to me, but, as you know, I can’t hear worth a damn. So I pretended to hear what they were saying and nodded my head and smiled.”

“Can’t you get a hearing aid, Wolf?”

“Hell no. I don’t want to hear what most of them say, anyway. So, I smiled away and a few people looked like they were getting sick, so I excused myself and said I had to go to the ladies room. Luckily the bathrooms were working again, so I took a look in the mirror and damn near fainted. I was bloated up like a blimp, boobs hanging to my knees, and teeth full of oreo remnants.”

“Not a good day, eh?”

“Wait. You haven’t heard the rest.”

“Huh?”

“I was in the handicapped bathroom, and forgot to lock the door, and the cleaning lady walked in and screamed.”

“Oh no.”

“All the managers rushed in to see what the problem was, and told the cleaning lady that they had never witnessed anything like this ever before. And they promised her if she would only stay on, they would ban me from the handicapped bathroom.”

“And?”

“She quit.”

Wolf

Chopped

Sunday afternoon, Autumn Years Rest Home. The men were watching the football game. The women were dozing off, when Wolf stood up and said, “Hey girls, Let’s play chopped.”

“You mean the cooking show? That chopped?”

“Yes! Minnie, Gloria and Mary Cat, get ready. I am getting 3 mystery baskets ready and we will see what you can come up with.”

The girls opened their baskets. Wolf told them they had 30 minutes to come up with an appetizer. The mystery ingredients: chocolate covered raisins, red wine, canned tuna and rutabagas.

Minnie quickly opened the can of tuna and left it on the counter. She was munching on the raisins, trying to peel the waxy rutabaga and had a few glasses of wine to settle her nerves.

Mary Cat didn’t know what a rutabaga was, so she grabbed a glass of wine and went to the computer to do some research.

Gloria figured she better boil the hell out of the baga, so she threw the whole thing in water, while she devoured half the chocolate raisins.

“15 minutes to go girls.”

Max, the resident cat, smelled Minnie’s tuna and sneaked up on the counter and ate it. Minnie, who never drinks, was loaded on 2 glasses of wine. Gloria was standing by the boiling pot watching the rutabaga do absolutely nothing. Mary Cat couldn’t spell rutabaga so she ended up checking her face book.

“5 minutes! Get plated, girls.”

On Minnie’s plate: 6 raisins, soaked in tuna oil, raw sliced rutabagas and a glass of wine.

Gloria: One giant rutabaga, waxy and uncooked, but hot. She said she ran out of time.

Mary Cat never did show up for the plating.

“None of you passed! This is an abomination. I will give you one more chance!”

In the mystery baskets: Crisco, heavy cream, chicken thighs and pecans.

“Now that’s more like it!!”, the girls said.

The girls did remarkably well., coming up with amazing Southern Fried dishes.

Wolf told the girls she was impressed. How come they did so well this time?

“We never miss a Paula Deen show.”

Wolf

Please don’t take the bag off your head

Wolf walked into the dining room for breakfast with a paper bag over her head.

“Oh boy, here comes that ridiculous woman, with a bag on her head. All she wants is attention. Let’s pretend we don’t notice.”

“Hi Wolf, what’s up?”

“Oh not much.”

“Pancakes with maple syrup for breakfast. You love those.”

“Yup.”

“Nice day today, cold but sunny.”

“Yup.”

“Looks like you’ve been shopping at the…the…Acme supermarket.”

“Says who?”

“Well, that’s what the bag says.”

“What bag? Minnie?”

“No, the one you are wearing.”

“Oh that bag. I thought you would never ask. I know you are all wondering why I am wearing the bag.”

“Not really. Actually, it is quite an improvement.”

“I can explain…”

“Not necessary. We understand.”

“You mean to say no one is a teensy bit curious?”

“We all know you will do anything to get attention, so nothing you do surprises us.”

“OK. Fine. Just for that, I am taking the bag off.”

Wolf removed the bag and looked exactly the same as she always does: red eyed, wrinkled and ancient.

“Oh God! Put it back on!”

“Yes, please. We are trying to eat here.”

“Does it really look that bad?”

“What? Your face? It certainly doesn’t look good.”

“Not my face, my ears!”

All eyes went to Wolf’s ears. There was a wad of cotton hanging out of one and a large ace bandage on the other one.

“Now what the hell Wolf?”

“I was playing charades last night at the sports bar and I put beans in my ears and they got stuck, and wouldn’t come out, so I had to go the ER. It took forever to dig them out.”

“Beans?”

“Yes, I was trying to portray a human be-an. Get it?”

As the residents left the dining room, shaking their heads, all that could be heard was, “What a whack job.”

Wolf

Start wearing your helmet

Every month someone had to take the responsibility for safety at the Autumn Years Rest Home. This month, it was Wolf’s turn.

Since it was snowing, and no one was going outside, she decided to hold a safety meeting. “Come on everyone. Safety Meeting!”

“Geez, here we go again. Now what the hell is this idiot preaching about?”

“Shhhh. If she hears you, she will beat the crap out of you.”

“All right. No whispering. I want all of you to pay attention. This is serious business.”

“First of all, if you decide to cook, you will need to have another adult present. We do not cook alone.”

“Another adult? Are there kids here too?”

“That is not funny, Frank. If you recall, you blew up the microwave when you tried to heat up that pizza, and left it in aluminum foil. From now on, no foil in the microwave.”

“What difference does it make now? The damn thing is broken.”

“And no more popcorn in the toaster. The toaster is well…well… toast.”

“Who did that?”

Silence.

“George? Would you like to share your experience with the popcorn in the toaster?”

“Yeah, ok. I wanted popcorn and couldn’t nuke it, since that moron Frank blew up the microwave, so I improvised and put the bag in the toaster.”

“Wow. Did it work? I could go for some popcorn?”

“Quiet down. No, it didn’t work. And the cook is still picking up burned kernels all over the kitchen.”

“OK, so we won’t use the toaster or the microwave. Is this meeting over?”

“No, I want everyone to promise to walk quietly through the halls. No running or skipping.”

“Since when could any of us run or skip? Are you nuts?”

“The main cause of inside accidents is due to falls. And running or skipping will not be tolerated.”

“No problem, sista. We couldn’t run or skip if we tried.”

“Now, does anyone have any suggestions?”

“About what?”

“Safety, you nincompoop. Safety.”

“Yeah, I have one.”

“Go ahead Minnie.”

“I think you should start wearing your helmet more often.”

“What?”

“You must have skipped through the hall without it, had one of those inside falls, and suffered permanent brain damage.”

Meeting adjourned.

I don’t need an excuse…

“Sandy said her cats are fighting.”

“I thought she only had one cat.”

“No, she rescued 2 more. Now they are fighting.”

“Hasn’t she heard? Cats fight.”

“She doesn’t like it. The male cat stalks the 2 little ones and sucker punches them. Now she is afraid to go to work. She figures the tom will beat up the girls when she is gone.”

“Is the male neutered?”

“Gee, I don’t know.”

“Well, if he isn’t, then he should be. And if he is, he doesn’t like the other 2 cats. You know cats are very territorial.”

“So what can she do?”

“You are asking me? First of all, why does she have 3 cats? She lives in a one bedroom apartment. And she drinks like a fish. Do they fight when she is loaded? Or all the time?”

“She can’t remember.”

“There you have it. She is delusional. Why don’t you go over to her apartment and see what’s going on?”

“I did. When she is half in the bag, she grabs the cats and pesters the hell out of them. She is all scratched up. She is afraid she might have cat fever.”

“Ha! She has Jack Daniels fever. She needs to lay off the booze and let the cats sort it out for themselves.”

“She hasn’t worked in over 2 weeks, scared to death the cats will kill one another.”

“What excuse does she give her boss?”

“She doesn’t need an excuse, she works for the government.”

“Huh?”

“She just called and left a message on my voice mail. She wants to know if you will go to the liquor store and pick up a bottle of Jack for her. She can’t leave the house because of the cats.”

“Oh for Pete’s sake!”

“And can you stop by the pet rescue center? They have a darling tuxedo kitty that she would like to adopt. If you pick it up, she will pay you for it.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes. She is having trouble sleeping at night, and she knows an old lady who has a stash of xanax. Could you go to Brooklyn and pick up a few hundred pills? She sells them for a buck a piece.”

“Is that it?”

“Yeah, well, one more thing. Can you stop at the DMV and have her car inspected?”

Wolf

What’s an open marriage?

“What’s an open marriage Wolf?”

“Why in the world are you asking me that?”

“Well, Newt’s wife said that he wanted an open marriage.”

“That’s what all men say. They think the grass is greener on the other side.”

“I don’t get it. He told her he wanted greener grass? And what about her grass? He was still mowing it.”

“Don’t be a moron Minnie. Men like both old and new grass. They want both.”

“Well, wouldn’t you think the old grass is better? It has had a chance to grow and flourish, and is green and full, while new grass struggles to fend off the weeds and needs constant care.”

“Not necessarily. Sometimes old grass gets dandelions, and they take over the lawn. New grass can be pretty neat, especially if you have put in sod. Expensive, but impressive.”

“I guess Newt was into fertilizing.”

“Yes, that he was. His old grass was pretty nice. He felt comfortable with it. But the new grass was a challenge, and Newtie loved to drive the tractor. He spent a lot of time riding that machine.”

“I think Newt should have stuck to driving and kept his mouth shut.”

“Yup. But he is a politician. He has to talk. It’s his lifeline and his demise.”

“So who do you believe? Marianne or Newt?”

“Before I answer that, let me ask you this: Who did you believe? Anita or Clarence?”

Wolf

Some old bag had her lights off

Carol asked Wolf if she had followed her out of the parking lot last night. Wolf said, “I don’t know. Did I?”

“Yes, I think you did. And your right headlight is out.”

“Oh, really? Thanks! I will check it out.”

5 oclock, it was getting dark. Wolf left the office and got in her car.

She clicked on the lights. Yup. Right headlight out. She turned on the high beams. They seemed to be working. Then she clicked back on to low beams. Nothing. The left headlight had also blown. Now what?

She was 7 miles from home, and she had to make a couple of stops. She looked around for something to help her make it home. She found a flashlight in her car and turned it on. Yes! It was working. She put the flashlight in her left hand, rolled down the window and flashed away.

All she got in return were cars flashing their lights, beeping their horns and drivers making obscene comments. Wolf decided to keep the high beams on. At least she was visible that way. She got more flashing, honking and fingers.

“Hey lady! What are you trying to do? Blind me?”

Wolf turned off the highway and took the back roads. She was cruising along, high beams shining, when a deer decided to cross the road. Wolf slammed on the brakes. The deer stood there, in the middle of the road. It was a standoff. Who would be the first to move? Wolf didn’t want to blind the deer, so she turned her lights off.

It felt like it was a lifetime, but it probably only lasted about 30 seconds, when another car appeared in her rear view mirror. No, it wasn’t a car, it was a fire truck. Wolf heard the siren. Now what? Let the fire truck hit her in the rear? Or run down the dazed deer?

While she was deliberating, the fire truck swerved around her car, hitting the deer who bolted in front of the truck.

Wolf decided to sneak out of the situation. If she was careful, she still might make it home. She called 911 to let them know a deer had darted out in front of a fire truck and the truck was in a ditch. She would not reveal her identity.

Wolf hollered to the firemen: “Everyone ok?” They responded, “Yeah, no thanks to you, you idiot.”

“Great! They are all ok, now I need to get the hell out of here.”

Maybe she would make it home safely after all. She started driving, with lights blazing, and stopped at the convenience store for a hoagie. Then she drove to the beer store for a case of beer. She checked her high beams. Gone. Oh no, now what? She was thinking about how to get her ass back to the home, when she noticed Minnie, in the beer store.

“Hey girl! What’s up?”

“Hi Wolf! Can you give me a ride? I drove here to get a case of birch beer and my car caught on fire. I called the fire department, and they were on the way here, when they hit a deer and crashed. They said some old bag had stopped on the road, with no lights, and they tried to avoid hitting her, when a deer darted in front of their truck.”

“Geez Minnie. You know what? There are a lot of crazy people out there. Let’s go. Oh, and would you mind holding this flashlight out the window? You never know when a deer might be skulking around.”

Wolf