Redeeming moments

“How would you describe your day Wolf?”

“Grueling, frustrating, and demanding.”

“That bad, eh?”

“It had its redeeming moments.”

“Like what?”

“I heard E laughing like a wild hyena. Her laugh uplifted my spirits. She had a great day in spite of it all.”

“Ok, and?”

“Pattie gave me a hug, a real hug, not a virtual one, when I most needed it.”

“Keep going.”

“J. C. showed up in a black plastic bag. She thought we would all ask her why, but no one did.”

“What the hell?”

“Yeah, she saw it on the side of the road and figured it was a body bag. She stopped her car and investigated. No body in it. Just a bunch of empty beer cans. But she took a liking to it and wore it into work.”

“Oh my God!”

“Yeah, and Wawa got a hot new hair do. Streaks of red and blonde and all kinds of different delightful shades. Too bad she caught a bad cold and her cheeks blew up like a chipmunk high on nuts. But I saw her at the water cooler several times during the day. You know, the one that is spiked. Cold, my ass.”

“Do ya think she was loaded?”

“No doubt. After all, a bad cold won’t puff up your face like that.”

“Anything else?”

“Babs looked stunning today, dressed in a pink princess styled sweater. She is really trying to coordinate her outfits to match that pink cane. And she didn’t want to compete with Helen, who wore a gorgeous purple suit. Babs refuses to wear purple when there is competition.”

“What about Scottie?”

“Oh, Scottie. He told me a joke today.”

“Let’s hear it.”

“Mickey decided to get a divorce from Minnie. The marriage counselor said, ‘I hear you think Minnie is crazy.’ ‘No, I didn’t say that’, said Mickey. ‘Then what do you mean?’ ‘I said she is f’en Goofy.’”


Amazing predictions

“What do you think will happen this week, Wolf?”

“What? Do I look like a fortune teller? A soothsayer? How am I supposed to know?”

“Give it your best shot. I want to hear your predictions.”

“Ok. I predict…….

Babs will break her cane in half, beating the crap out of me.

E will arrive at work armed with a giant fork.

Pattie won’t be able to find her desk following a trip to the restroom.

J.C. will develop lead poisoning after munching on her sharpened pencils.

Wawa will hang out at the water fountain, after we tell her it is spiked.

Beaver will move all the files again and collapse. We will find her rolled up in a ball in Bab’s cart.

Scottie will be bald, after tearing his hair out. He will drive to Sonia’s new workplace to plead with her to come back.

Ash will show up unexpectedly with 34 new photos of her, one for each of our cubes.

Everyone in the back room feels it is jinxed. You either get pregnant or you leave. So they all move up front. Except for Pattie and Wolf. Pattie doesn’t dare move again or she will get lost. And Wolf would like to have a baby.

Pat won’t show up. She took a wine tour this weekend and claims that she got abducted by aliens. She called from Napa Valley, and she sounded mighty giddy.

Lynne showed up with a jar of homemade sauerkraut. There was a mad dash to her desk, during which 3 people were trampled to death. Thank God it was only the people from pre-press.


Lynne vs Bobby Flay

“What are you doing, Wolf?”

“I am making sauerkraut.”

“Why don’t you just buy a bag of it?”

“Because. If Lynne can make sauerkraut, then I should be able to do it.”

“Isn’t Lynne an extraordinary cook? What makes you think you can be like her?”

“I don’t know. She makes it sound so easy.”

“What the heck do you have in that kraut anyway? It looks abominable.”

“Yeah, it does. I put all kinds of stuff in it. Pickles, peppers, potatoes, catsup.….. Oh to hell with it. I think I will decorate a cake instead.”

“Lynne again?”

“Never mind. I saw a cake she decorated last week and it was beautiful. I can do that.”

“First of all, you have to bake a decent cake. This one looks like you burned the edges and the middle of it has dropped into an abyss.”

“Forget it. I don’t like cake anyway. I think I will call Lynne and ask her how to cook a chicken.”

“Are you for real? You don’t know how to cook a chicken?”

“Hello? Lynne? Hey, you got a minute? I bought some chicken today and need a good recipe. I was hoping you could help me. No, this isn’t a joke. It’s me. Wolf. You aren’t what? You aren’t the cooking channel? Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me. Just forget it. And you know what? I don’t even like sauerkraut. So there!”

“I can’t believe you just hung up on Lynne.”

“Yeah? Well, the next time Lynne wants to know how to scramble an egg, I will tell her to kiss my ass.”

“Like Lynne is gonna ask you anything about cooking?”

“Well, no, probably not. But in case she does….”

“So what are you planning to do with that chicken?”

“Will you call her Minnie? Don’t mention my name, ok? Just tell her you are Bobby Flay and you need her recipe for his new show.”

“Forget it Wolf. You blew it, girl. Lynne is wise to your antics.”

“All right. Hey, can you look up the phone number for Bobby Flay? I think I will call him and see if he has a good chicken recipe. Damn it anyway. I know it won’t be as good as Lynne’s.”


Dumb stuff

“You know what Minnie? I do a lot of dumb things.”

“Oh yes, that you do.”

“It was that way all week. Every day, dumb..dumb..dumb.”

“I see you are waiting for me to ask. Ok, here it goes: Like what dumb stuff Wolf?”

“On Monday, I packed a lunch at the last minute, and I had to hurry, so I threw a head of lettuce, a bunch of tomatoes and salad dressing in a bag. But I forgot a plate. Now how do you eat a salad without a plate?”

“So what did you do?”

“I pretended I was a rabbit and chewed on the head of lettuce and popped a tomato in my mouth and took a swig of the salad dressing.”

“Now that is dumb.”

“Then on Tuesday, I was running late again, and wouldn’t you know it, a funeral procession of cars was crawling along the road and I couldn’t get out. So I sneaked in, turned on my lights and followed the cars. I tried to turn off on my exit, but the bridge was out, so I had to stay in the caravan. I ended up in New Jersey and was late for work.”

“Very dumb.”

“Yes, but it was a very lovely funeral.”

“Oh please.”

“On Wednesday, I saw my friend at work, who is hearing impaired. She walked past me and I started hollering, ‘Hey! Mar, how the heck are you?’ She kept walking and I kept hollering. I was talking louder and louder, actually shouting. I do that all the time. When will I ever learn? She can’t hear me, no matter how loud I talk.”

“That is not only dumb, it is ignorance.”

“On Thursday, I was hungry for a tuna sandwich and since I was running late, I threw a can of what I thought was tuna in a bag along with a jar of mayo, two slices of bread, and a few stalks of celery. I figured I could mix it up at lunch time. But to my surprise, the can was tuna all right, but it was a can of cat food tuna.”


“Yes, but it was mighty tasty.”

“You didn’t!”

“On Friday, I decided not to do anything dumb. But unfortunately, my good intentions went astray. I took the lid off my coffee cup and spilled coffee all over my desk. You should have seen the reports I was working on. Stained beyond belief. But I turned them in anyway after I used up a container of white-out on them. I was wearing one blue sock and one white sock. I forgot that the jeans I had on, had a zipper problem, and I walked around all day with an open fly. And I was still wearing my steel toed shoes when I left for the day. I stepped on the gas and flew out of the parking lot and hit the speed bumps at 50 mph.”

“Talk about a heavy foot!”

“So, today, I am taking a day off. Nothing dumb for today.”

“I wouldn’t be quite so sure of that.”


“You didn’t close the hatchback on your car when you came back from the liquor store. I hope you bought tomato juice.”


“Skunks. You have 2 of them in your car, nesting.”


Cheers, Sonia!

“Well, what do you know? Look at what the cat dragged in. Happy Friday night Wolf.”


“How was the day?”

“It was like an old cowboy movie, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.”

“Let’s start with the Ugly. What was ugly besides your old worn out jeans?”

“89 orders that were supposed to go out for a Monday delivery.”

“Oh oh. They were supposed to go? Does that mean what I think?”

“Yup. I will have to call 89 people on Monday to apologize.”

“Hell, you love to talk to people. That should be a piece of cake.”

“Yeah. I think I will go in early and call them before 7am. I will get voice mail and can leave a message. As a matter of fact, I am going to record my message and plug it in on every call. “HI!!!! It’s me, Wolf!!
How the heck are you anyway? I suppose you are wondering why I am calling. Well, my friend, you know there are times when even the best intentions go astray. I mean, let’s face it, not everything can be as perfect as you are. My apologies, first of all. I know you were expecting your order today, but would it be so terribly bad if I got that order to you tomorrow morning? I tried my darnedest to get it to you, but we had some last minute glitches and dog gone it, the order just didn’t make the truck. I promise you on my grave, well not my grave, but my mother’s, that you will have your order in hand on Tuesday. I just called to say I love you and I am your humble servant. Ta Ta.”

“Oh my God, what a bunch of BS.”

“Want to hear the Bad?”

“My mouth did another number on J.C.”

“Nooooooooo. That girl is gonna puncture your hind end with that sharp pencil.”

“Yeah, well, she said something about having an ass for brains, and I just had to remind her that a normal brain weighs 2.8 pounds. She looked at me like I was nuts and I said, ‘No wonder you are so smart. If your brain resides in your ass, it must weigh a lot more than 3 pounds.”

“You didn’t.”

“Yup. My damn mouth. What am I gonna do with it? Anyway, there was a redeeming factor today, hence, the good.”

“Hence? What the hell? Since when does anyone say hence?”

“Knock it off, Minnie. My co-worker Sonia is living her dream.”

“What dream?”

“Her dream. She has landed a peach of a job and is leaving our company.”

“That’s good?”

“Yes, for her it is. Not for the rest of us. We will miss her. But good can be bitter sweet. And for Sonia, I am toasting to her success tonight.”

“I wondered what you had in that plain paper bag. Wine, eh?”

“Oh yeah. Cheers Sonia! Congrats! We love you!!!”


Innocent act

“You don’t look quite as frazzled as you did last night, Wolf.”

“That’s because I am getting used to the abuse.”

“Oh come on, like what?”

“I walked by Babs today and made a completely innocent remark and she beat me with her cane.”

“What did you say?”

“I only mentioned that she looked hot limping around the office with that pink cane.”

“I don’t blame her. I hope she nailed you good.”

“Then, I just happened to hear J. C. talking to Kat and I made another innocent remark and now J. C. is sharpening her pencil every 3 minutes and has it pointed at me like a missile.”

“Why do you have to butt in when people are talking?”

“Well, J. C. asked a question and Kat looked a little surprised, so I answered it.”

“What was the question?”

“J. C. said, “Hey Kat, I am waiting for something from you.” And Kat said, “What J.C.? What don’t you have?” So I couldn’t help it. My mouth opened and out came the answer: “Brains?”

“I am really surprised that anyone even talks to you.”

“Yeah, well, did I tell you? Annie is pregnant. And she isn’t very far along. So, everyone was telling her she is getting quite a belly already, so she must be having a boy. Again, my lips parted and the voice from down under spoke up and said, “Looks to me like there are 4 or 5 in there. I think you are having a litter.”

“Have you ever considered that you might be an instigator, Wolf?”

“Absolutely not. I am as innocent as…as…E.”


“Yes, E. She gets on the phone with the most demanding customers and charms the socks off them. And then, after she soothes their souls, she tells them off in a very classy way. And she does all this, very innocently.”

The difference between you and E is very obvious. She knows how to deal with people. You put on the innocent act and everyone knows you are full of %@#%@#%.

“Not Pattie. She thinks I am sincere. She gives me virtual hugs every day.”

“Yeah? Well, one of these days Pattie will get wise to your shenanigans and she will change her virtual hugs into virtual strangulation.”

“I hope you never mention any of this to Pat or Wawa.”

“Why not?”

“They are idealists. They never swear, never sweat, and they are quite intellectual. Although, I must say, I think both of them are smashed most of the time.”

“Well, tomorrow is Friday. Do you think you can make it through the day without being obnoxious?”

“No more questions, Ok Minnie? I have taken all the abuse I can for one day.”


Raging lunatic

“Oh boy. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.”

“Wolf? You ok?”

“I don’t really know. I think the day was marked for disaster.”

“For you?”

“For everyone at work. It was savage.”

“Spit it out girl. What happened?”

“It was so bad that….

….. J. C. said, ‘Oh my God!’ at least 32 times today.

….. E quit several times during the day.

….. Pat carried her coffee cup around the office, looking for booze.”

….. Scottie sat in a daze, talking to himself, making gestures at the computer.”

….. Beaver curled up into a fetal position and cried.

….. Babs swung her cane at everyone who walked by.

….. Banana went bananas.

….. Missie growled at everyone.

….. Pattie made cupcakes for the office and got so stressed, she ate 23 of them herself.

….. Donna ate the other 3.

….. And I was a raging lunatic.

“Geez, Wolf. I am so sorry for your co-workers.”

“Yes, Minnie, it was a very bad day.”

“Well, at least you had a normal day.”


All in the family

“I bet I can tell you what your mother was like, Minnie.”

“How would you know? You never met her.”

“I didn’t have to. I know all.”

“Give me a break. Ok, go ahead. What was she like?”

“She was short, slightly chubby, wore pink sweats, didn’t drink, preached to the choir…”

“Wait a minute. When did you meet Mom?”

“Don’t interrupt. She could be a pain in the ass, especially when she didn’t agree with you. She was crabby in the mornings, dyed her hair blue, went to church every Sunday and loved baseball.”

“Have you been reading my diary?”

“Just tell me. Am I right?”

“Well, yes, but how do you know all this?”

“Easy girl. We all turn into our mothers. You are just like her.”

“So you are just like your Mother?”

“I wouldn’t say that. There are some exceptions.”

“Go ahead, describe your Mom.”

“She was a very religious person, devoted to her family, a pretty good cook, easily amused, had a laugh that came from the belly, hated tomatoes and picnics, and loved to talk. She had a close relationship with her sisters and her sons, but could never quite relate to her daughters. She used to holler at me for being a bar fly. And she reminded me of Edith Bunker.”

“Geez Wolf. Were you adopted or something? You don’t sound like your Mom at all.”

“See? I am the exception.”

“It probably has something to do with the bar fly thing.”


“Let me think about it for a minute. You are very religious. I mean you religiously stop at the bar every night. You are devoted to your friends, since your family doesn’t even live near you. You can cook, when you feel the urge, you are extremely silly and very easily amused. Your laugh is raucous but heartfelt. I see you picking tomatoes out of your salads, and you don’t go to picnics because the bugs bother you. As far as talking a lot, you have an extremely annoying habit of talking your ass off, and since you have no children, you have a void in your life and have become a bar fly.”


“Brings back memories, doesn’t it Wolf?”

“Oh Archie, I mean Minnie, those were the days.”


Dress Code

“What you reading Wolf?”

“The newly revised dress code, at work.”

“What’s it say?”

“Here. Let me read it to you.”

Dress Code: Spring and Summer of 2012. After reading this bulletin, please sign your name, indicating that you have been covered and you will comply with the following rules:

1. No low cut blouses. People have complained that the older crew, better known as cougars, have exceptionally wrinkled, low hanging boobs. We have had several occurrences when people have observed these abominations, and had to be rushed to the emergency room, and treated for shock. We will not tolerate older people thinking they are hot when they’re not. Now, if you are under the age of 30, Mr. Cheeseball, the HR Manager, has volunteered to take a look at the younger boobs and make a determination if a violation of this rule exists.

2. No mini skirts. Again, Mr Cheeseball, is the ultimate decision maker. However, in his absence, Mr. Dick Weiner and Mr. Richard Long have stepped up to the plate and will be Cheeseball’s backup. The rule is, has been and always will be, if you wear a mini skirt, you are at risk. Please note, Weiner and Long are recently divorced. Our advice is, wear them at your own risk.

3. Tight fitting jeans are not allowed. By the way, this rule only applies to the men. Women are free to wear any and all jeans, as long as they are tight fitting. Men’s jeans must be at least 3 sizes too large, and should be falling down around their hips. If any of the men wear high waisted pants, they will be marked as a nerd.

4. Muscle shirts are completely outlawed. They are tacky. Unless of course, you happen to be Cheeseball, Long or Weiner. They are exempt from this rule, due to the highly stressful nature of their jobs.

5. No belly buttons should be showing. This rule applies, once again, to the male population.

6. Open toed shoes are forbidden. Actually, who cares? But if you do happen to wear an open toed shoe, please paint your toe nails. This applies to both men and women. We embrace esthetically pleasing toes. We take pride in having the best toes in the industry.

7. Finally, if in doubt, wear it. Cheeseball will happily rule on any and all situations. The worst that can happen? You will have to go home and change. But you must come back to work. Summer is our busiest time. And if you don’t come back, Cheese will stalk you and make your life miserable.

One final note: There is no truth to the rumor that Mr Cheeseball is on final warning. There are some people who are above reproach. This man has been with our company for 3 weeks, since his release from Folsom. He is a special and valued employee.


Tasty cakes

“I think I am gonna put a suggestion in the suggestion box at work, Minnie.”

“Yeah, what?”

“That we all get new chairs. Mine looks like a dog ate half of it. The stuffing is showing. And I have noticed that some of the chairs won’t go up or down. So, if you happen to be short, your chin hits the top of the desk when you sit down.”

“Is anyone else complaining?”

“So far, only the short people.”

“Have you tried oiling the chair?”

“It’s not a car, it’s a chair.”

“No, oil the mechanism that lets it go up and down.”

“We aren’t allowed to have oil in the office.”

“Why not?”

“It could attract mice.”

“You have a mouse problem? Maybe the mice ate your chair. You should leave them something to eat.”

“J. C. did that. She wanted to catch them and take them home for pets, but all they did was eat and poop. And ate up all her butterscotch crimpets. But one of them left a note.”

“Oh for silly.”

“No, the mouse said, ‘Keep up the good work girl, or I will eat your chair.’”

“So what happened?”

“She was going to leave the tasty cakes, but got a wild urge for them and ate a couple dozen for lunch.”

“Did she leave anything for the mice?”

“Yes, mushrooms.”

“I didn’t know mice liked mushrooms.”

“They don’t. You see J.C. is allergic to mushrooms and she had a bad day and was gonna eat them and do herself in. After eating the cakes, she was too stuffed to eat the mushrooms. Those mice saved her life.”

“Did the mice eat them?”

“No. They ate her chair. And left another note. It said, ‘We notice a lot of empty desks out here. Lots of people are leaving, eh? Well, it’s no wonder. Nothing to eat and your chairs are a mess. We are moving into the warehouse across the street. We hear they make tasty cakes over there.”