It wasn’t Paris Hilton

“What a goofy day, Minnie. Wanna hear about it?”

“Sure.”

“Ok, here it goes:

Pat brought a salad for lunch and drank it. Yup, she went wild with her juicer again.

Mary Cat came in with an old folk’s cane. It had a bunch of stuff on it, for those who are over the hill. A pill bottle, a magnifying glass, a bicycle horn, stuff like that. She got it for her birthday. I noticed right away it was missing a flask.

I had to protect E from the vultures who sit up front. They should know better than to wander into the cougar’s territory. Anyway, I can beat up anyone of those beavers, hands down. They know better than to fool with the Wolf and E.

Pattie’s cheeks were bright red. She shook her booty so many times around the office that she got sweaty. Now I call her stinky.

Wawa woke up to a leaky pipe. No, not that kind of pipe. A water pipe. Or so she says. But I did notice she was acting mighty silly and kept saying things like ‘far out. Can you dig it? And other old hippie lingo.

J.C. brought in a new um, um, thing. It is pink, furry, has big blue eyes and talks nonsense. No, it wasn’t Paris Hilton. It was some other strange creature.

Babs went completely out of her mind. Poor thing. Over worked, under paid, and then she had to order Chinese for lunch. She always orders the same thing when she is stressed. 25 egg rolls and cat nip. She swears by the cat nip. They use real cats.

I met the 2 new people today. Nice kids. I said to one of them, ‘guess what?’ and he said, ‘I don’t have the foggiest idea.’ I said, No. No. No.
You are supposed to say what! So he says, ‘Ok, what?’ and I said ‘Chicken Butt.’ He didn’t get it.”

“Excuse me Wolf, but I don’t have a clue what the hell you are talking about.”

“It’s ok Minnie, forget it. It was just another day of life in corporate America.”

Wolf

The American dream

“Pretty sad tonight, Wolf. Why the long face?”

“Just thinking about a family. 6 kids and a mom. Here illegally. No food, no shoes, no electricity, no toys….”

“How very tragic.”

“Yeah. I am getting some stuff together. One of the girls at work will be taking it over to them this weekend.”

“Can’t they get any assistance?”

“No. Not when they are here illegally. I think they will be deported, but until then, they need help.”

“I can only imagine how many people are in the same predicament. It is so very troubling.”

“Yes, Minnie. Our problems seem trivial next to theirs. I know I can’t save the world, but I am deeply saddened by this. I will do what I can, groceries, clothing, toys, but my heart breaks for them. I can only offer them a band aid, when they need a miracle.”

“I suppose they came here, to live the American dream.”

“Yes. I suppose.”

“Do you think they will make it?”

“No, Minnie. I don’t.”

“Then why even try to help them?”

“Because, I am an American. I may not be living the dream, but I will never quit dreaming. Not for me, nor for them. I don’t know this family, but I love them. And I will do what I can, one family at a time, until we all live the dream, together.”

Wolf

Pretty bird

Birds are great. I love them. They fly. I try, but I can’t. They build their own homes. I have to hire a contractor. They let their babies live their own lives. We dread the empty nest syndrome. They only eat healthy stuff. Well, except for worms. They sing their hearts out. We don’t sing unless we think we have a good voice.

They hang out with friends. They whoop it up. They are party animals.
They mate for life. Very admirable, indeed.

They are beautiful and colorful. They don’t have to shop to find the latest fashion. They have a natural beauty.

They love to bathe. I love to see a bird taking a bath. What a hoot. Who says they are dirty birds? They live through the worst storms, hanging out in trees. And when the storm is over, they sing. I guess they know how to live in the moment.

Some birds are inspirational. The swan, for example. We celebrate the swan in ballet. Or the raven. Edgar Allen Poe quotes the humble bird. And we even name a football team after the illusive raven.

I guess the most inspiring act of all, to me, is the way the geese fly. They take turns being the lead, while the rest of the flock falls back, honking to support their leader. And when the leader gets tired, another one takes his place, and the cheering continues. That is team spirit. And they do this with beauty and grace.

I had a parakeet, my first pet, Hoopsie. She was blue and fluffy. And she was lonely. So I got another parakeet, Jake. And the day I brought Jake home, Hoopsie was elated. The two of them had a wonderful life together. I left the cage open. I knew they preferred freedom. They would fly around the house together, chirping and tweeting, but they always returned to the cage at night time. And they insisted on having the cage covered, until the morning light shined in. I guess they are just like us. They want their freedom, but they need their security.

I love birds. They are almost human. Only better.

Wolf

Suggestions

Suggestions from the suggestion box

Can we have Christmas off this year? Please?

Someone stole my lunch from the refrigerator. Can you do an investigation? And when you find the son of a bitch that did it, I would appreciate it if you would let me know. I want to kick his/her ass.

When is the next drug test?

The water coolers are always empty. I need my vodka, I mean, my water to make it through the day.

I think you need to fire (name deleted). She stinks.

Can someone please pick up the dead bats in the warehouse?

I have done some research and have found that pets make you feel calm. I would like to recommend that we are allowed to bring our pets to work. It would not be an expense to the company, except for the wee wee pads.

Can we take up a collection for me? I am broke.

How many weeks of vacation do I get? I have been with the company for 3 weeks.

Why do we have to kiss our boss’s ring when we ask him a question?

Face book is banned from my computer. Please get IT on it immediately.

I hate it when my boss wakes me up. Come on. Everyone needs a nap during the day.

Is it ok to store beer in the lockers? If yes, thank you. If no, I hate you.

I have put several suggestions in the box. All of them the same. I get no answers. One last time: Can I get a ride in the golf cart?

Wolf

News release to all employees

Notice to all employees:

Now that summer is approaching, there may be times when severe weather hits our area. Please remember that under no circumstances are you allowed to leave your desk during these times, unless of course the tornado destroys the building. In that case, do not report to work the following morning until 9am.

It has been noted that several people are smoking and throwing their cigarette butts into the mulch. This is wood, folks. We have had 45 fires so far this spring, and the front of the building is severely charred. We are forming a committee to gather on the weekends, to scrub the building. If you do not sign up, you will miss out on the donuts and coffee we will be serving.

Several people have been run over in the parking lot. This is not company property, so you are on your own if you run out in front of an approaching vehicle. However, several customers have noticed the growing number of bodies laying around in the parking lot. Please take your cell phones with you when you leave and call 911 if you get hit.

The geese are back. They are nature’s way of giving us pleasure. They can be dirty birds, however, as some of you may have noticed. Please do not report goose droppings to Human Resources. Get it? HUMAN resources? Any animalistic problems do not belong in the work place.

The break rooms are really getting messy. What’s up with that? If you have to eat in there, please sign a document that will absolve the company from any issues, such as ecoli, herpes, and other contagious diseases. We highly recommend that you skip lunch and donate your time, instead, to scrubbing the front of the building.

We have noticed that during our monthly facility meetings that several bad asses get there early to take all the back seats. What’s going on back there anyway? We can see the people in the front seats snoozing, but we are unable to observe those in the back. We have asked the janitor to install cameras in the back of the room, so we can review after our meetings. However, the janitor is very busy repairing the trucks which are banged up and may not get to this project until 2013.

We have a severe shortage of employees due to the parking lot incidents and banged up trucks in the warehouse. Not to mention the outrageous number of people who have left on their own. Please remember when we have visitors, to put books, papers, lunches, etc on the empty desks. And please, do not mention the goose droppings, ecoli, or our tornado policy. We need to make a good impression.

Thank you.

Dream on

“Do you ever have a dream and when you wake up, you just can’t shake it?”

“No, not really.”

“Well, Minnie, I had this dream last night and I think it might be a warning. I had better take heed.”

“Ok, what was it all about?”

“I was in the military. I got called before the board of big shots and they wanted to know why I had crashed a plane and never told anyone. I was shocked. I don’t know how to fly an airplane. Well, they were sure I had done it and wanted to know how it happened.”

“First of all, you are too old to be in the military.”

“You never know, the maximum age could be raised. Anyway, I was told that I had caused 2 million dollars of damage and they wanted answers. I kept telling them I had no memory of flying a plane and they were insistent that it was me.”

“What did happen Wolf?”

“Not you too. I am telling you I didn’t do it.”

“So then what?”

“I overhead a conversation when the board was making its final decision. They said, ‘We know she did it. Let’s put her back in a plane and see what happens.’”

“And?”

“I got in and flew the damn thing. And I didn’t crash. So when I landed, the decision was made: Get rid of her. Liar liar, pants on fire. Dishonorable discharge. But they were crying when they told me. I guess they felt bad.”

“Yeah, probably about the crashed plane.”

“I was heart broken. I took pride in being the oldest living woman in the service. Now I would have to go home and find a job. And when they found out I had crashed a plane, who would hire me?”

“Aha! So you did crash it!”

“Yes….I mean no…It’s just that I am worried. Everyone says dreams predict your future. I am doomed.”

“Like you are going to apply for a job as a pilot? Give me a break. No one would hire you even if you didn’t crash that plane.”

“Why not?”

“Drug tests, that’s why.”

“Are you saying I have a drug problem?”

“Yup. Alcohol. Wait: I think Northwest Airlines has plenty of drunk pilots. Maybe you should apply there.”

Wolf

Rosebud

“Good morning, Wolf. How are you today?”

“I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore.”

“Now what’s bugging you?”

“You can’t handle the truth.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“What we have is a failure to communicate.”

“I’m sorry, you know I love you.”

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

“You didn’t have breakfast, you must be hungry.”

“As God is my witness, I will never be hungry again.”

“Here, let me hang up your coat.”

“No wire hangers!”

“Oh, I get it. You want to play games. All right. Here’s one: Want to do something today?”

“Make me an offer I can’t refuse.”

“How about going to the moon?”

“Beam me up Scottie.”

“This is getting tiring, Wolf.”

“You dirty rat.”

“How about if I take you out back and shoot you?”

“Go ahead, make my day.”

“Forget it. I am going for a walk.”

“Follow the yellow brick road.”

“Good bye Wolf. You are an idiot. I am leaving.”

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

Wolf

Names

“Don’t you wonder how people pick names for their kids, Minnie?”

“Never lost a minute of sleep over it.”

“No, I mean, doesn’t it have to do with your last name? Like Thing.”

“Huh?”

“Thing. That is a last name. Now why would you name your kid Harry?”

“Please.”

“Or Ball. Would you name your kid Volley? Or basket?”

“Have you been drinking?”

“How about Johnson? Such a common name, but Dick?”

“Time for you to go to bed, Wolf. Your imagination is running rampant.”

“I happen to be a collector of bad names, Minnie. A guy I worked with was named Rich N.”

“Ok, I’ll bite. Rich N what?”

“Famous.”

“No way.”

“And then there was Clara.”

“Don’t tell me. Was it Belle?”

“Yes! How did you know?”

“Next.”

“Hough. Pronounced HO.”

“I can’t wait.”

“Cheap.”

“I think you are insane, Wolf.”

“Wait. And then there is Burd.”

“Don’t tell me. Big?”

“No. Blue.”

“Well, I have one for you Wolf.”

“Yeah, what?”

“Van Dyke.”

“I give up.”

“Dick.”

“What’s funny about that?”

“He doesn’t know what he is.”

Wolf

Oh the humanity, Oooops, I mean, Oh the humidity

Humidity is good.

It makes you sweat.

Sweat is good.

It kills off all the toxins in your body.

Your body is good.

Just kidding.

Kidding is good.

It relieves stress.

Stress is good.

It drives you to drink.

Drinking is good.

It makes you obnoxious.

Obnoxious is good.

It allows you to sweat your ass off and not care.

Your ass is good.

Just kidding.

Didn’t we just go through this?

Repetition is good.

It happens when you sweat, are stressed and drink.

Happens is good.

Shit happens.

Whoever said that was a genius.

Or stressed, sweaty and drunk.

Wolf

Pick me up oily

“What are all your buddies doing this weekend, Wolf?”

“Pattie is babysitting. Her grand daughter asked her to pick her up oily.”

“Oily?”

“Yeah, that’s kid talk for early. And JC is getting spider bites.”

“Are you kidding?”

“Nope. She is getting a new tattoo. Spider bites on her lips.”

“What about Kimber?”

“She took off.”

“For good?”

“Heck no. She went to the shore, camping. It’s bound to be bad weather.”

“Why?”

“The last time she went camping it was in October and we had the biggest snow storm of the year.”

“I don’t think she has to worry about snow today.”

“Speaking of Snow, I think she and Lou are going up to Babs.”

“For what?”

“The annual dumpster races.”

“Hmmm. And what about E and Wawa?”

“Oh, geez, those two. They have had several days off so they are probably in denial.”

“Denial?”

“Yup. Remember the feeling you had when you took vacation? You thought the days would never end. And you don’t want to even think about the day you have to go back to work. And when that day finally comes around, you crawl back to work, kicking and screaming.”

“Have you heard from Banana?”

“Oh yeah, she is in New York, in a park, at her niece’s birthday party. She is worried about the rain, so she is wearing her umbrella hat.”

“I wish I could see that! What a hoot.”

“Not me. It’s too frightening.”

“So what do you have planned for the rest of the weekend?”

“Hanging out, sweating my ass off.”

“Exercising, are you? How wonderful.”

“No, you idiot. It’s humid. And I can’t possibly do any strenuous work. I have a hell of a time walking to the refrig from the computer.”

“What do you say we go for a walk in the rain?”

“Yeah, ok. Wait til I get my umbrella hat.”

Wolf