Notice to all employees:

Now that summer is approaching, there may be times when severe weather hits our area. Please remember that under no circumstances are you allowed to leave your desk during these times, unless of course the tornado destroys the building. In that case, do not report to work the following morning until 9am.

It has been noted that several people are smoking and throwing their cigarette butts into the mulch. This is wood, folks. We have had 45 fires so far this spring, and the front of the building is severely charred. We are forming a committee to gather on the weekends, to scrub the building. If you do not sign up, you will miss out on the donuts and coffee we will be serving.

Several people have been run over in the parking lot. This is not company property, so you are on your own if you run out in front of an approaching vehicle. However, several customers have noticed the growing number of bodies laying around in the parking lot. Please take your cell phones with you when you leave and call 911 if you get hit.

The geese are back. They are nature’s way of giving us pleasure. They can be dirty birds, however, as some of you may have noticed. Please do not report goose droppings to Human Resources. Get it? HUMAN resources? Any animalistic problems do not belong in the work place.

The break rooms are really getting messy. What’s up with that? If you have to eat in there, please sign a document that will absolve the company from any issues, such as ecoli, herpes, and other contagious diseases. We highly recommend that you skip lunch and donate your time, instead, to scrubbing the front of the building.

We have noticed that during our monthly facility meetings that several bad asses get there early to take all the back seats. What’s going on back there anyway? We can see the people in the front seats snoozing, but we are unable to observe those in the back. We have asked the janitor to install cameras in the back of the room, so we can review after our meetings. However, the janitor is very busy repairing the trucks which are banged up and may not get to this project until 2013.

We have a severe shortage of employees due to the parking lot incidents and banged up trucks in the warehouse. Not to mention the outrageous number of people who have left on their own. Please remember when we have visitors, to put books, papers, lunches, etc on the empty desks. And please, do not mention the goose droppings, ecoli, or our tornado policy. We need to make a good impression.

Thank you.

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