Life is serious business

“I didn’t mean to do it. I really didn’t.”

“What the heck are you mumbling about Wolf?”

“I had a wild streak. I went outside and saw 8 young kids hanging out at the picnic tables, and one of them said, ‘Hey Wolf, you gonna drink this weekend?’”

“Oh no. Even the kids know about your drinking?”

“Hold it. I said, “Huh? This weekend? I drink every day. I have to stop at the bar every night on my way home, just to calm my nerves.”

“You didn’t go there.”

“Yup. And those kids roared in laughter. So I tried to change the subject, and asked this little gal, who just had a baby, what she had planned.”

“That was a good ploy.”

“She said they would be having a picnic. I happened to know that her baby is a biter. Yes. He bites everything. So I said, ‘What about the biter?’ Well, her mother in law happened to be sitting there and she said, ‘He is just like my son. He was a biter too.’ So I said, ‘ Do you feed him dog bones? And does he bark?’”

“That is so tacky.”

“Well, the kids exploded in laughter, so I knew I was on a roll. On stage, as they say. I couldn’t help it.”

“Puleease!”

“Well, this gal is very tiny. I mean she can’t be anymore than 4 feet tall. And her mom in law said, ‘I think the biter is going to be very short, just like his mother.”

“Oh boy, then what?”

“I said ‘Short? I have never seen anyone as short as Mom, here. She is shorter than most midgets.”

“Here you go again with the midgets.”

“Yeah, so mom in law said ‘I love midgets.’ And I agreed. I said, ‘Oh yes, midgets are great. I love them too. But I never know when they are around, and keep stepping on them, damn midgets.”

“Not good Wolf. Very very obnoxious.”

“By now, I had quite an audience. That song, Don’t you know you are a shooting star, kept going through my head. I think I need to apply for a job as a stand up comedian.”

“There are 100,000 comedians out of work, you moron. And you think you have what it takes?”

“Of course. To make it big, you have to have talent, balls and an adoring audience.”

“Too late, Wolf, You are over the hill.”

“Yeah. Maybe, but those 8 kids love me.”

“No way. They only laugh at you because you are outrageous and say things that make an ass out of you.”

“Exactly, Minnie. Self deprecation is what it’s all about. I know I am a mess, and that is my wild card. I need to share that with the world.”

“From what I hear, comedians are very sad people, in real life. And they have a need for acceptance that can never be fulfilled.”

“And just how does that differ from all the rest of mankind?”

“We don’t try to be funny. Life is serious business.”

“Sorry, girl, I would rather live bombing as a comedian, than living my life without laughter.”

“When are you going to realize that life is not all fun and games?”

“When midgets fly.”

Wolf

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Rainy days and Mondays

“Well, well, well, it’s Memorial Day weekend, Wolf. 3 days off!”

“Yes, I am so glad that all the Federal Holidays are on Mondays. That way, all the working people can enjoy nice long weekends.”

“Yes, it’s great that Memorial day, Labor day and uhm…what else is on a Monday?”

“July 4th.”

“No, it isn’t. That is always on the 4th of July you moron.”

“Ok, then Thanksgiving.”

“Come on Wolf. Since when has Thanksgiving been on a Monday?”

“Every leap year?”

“No, it’s always on Thursday.”

“That is ridiculous. It should be on Friday. No one is thankful for having a Thursday off if you have to work on Friday.”

“Let’s see now… Monday holidays…”

“I know! Christmas!”

“Wrong. You know Christmas is on December 25.”

“Wait. I know. Easter!”

“Easter Monday? I don’t think so. Any other moronic thoughts?”

“New Years Day!”

“No, Wolf. I think there are only 2 Monday holidays, unless, of course, your place of employment recognizes Martin Luther King’s day and President’s day.”

“What companies are those Minnie? I want to work there.”

“Well, I guess you better live it up this weekend, Wolf. You only have one Monday holiday left this year.”

“You had to mention that, didn’t you Minnie? You really know how to ruin a perfectly good weekend.”

“You haven’t heard the worst of it, have you?”

“Now what?”

“It’s supposed to be hot and humid, with t storms off and on all weekend.”

“Oh shoot. When will this weather pattern break?”

“Tuesday.”

Wolf

Deadly carrots

“Go to bed Wolf. You have to work tomorrow.”

“I can’t. I am too wound up. I just found out some stuff that is making me wild.”

“What?”

“Like an idiot, I went on the internet and did some research. I have a deadly disease.”

“Self diagnosis?”

“No, it is scientifically documented. If you eat too many carrots, you will turn orange.”

“You can’t die from carrots.”

“You haven’t heard of agent orange? Where have you been Minnie? I am doomed.”

“Then quit eating carrots.”

“It’s too late. From what I read, a carrot addict can’t just quit. It takes an extended stay in rehab and a commitment to the 12 steps.”

“Don’t be an ass.”

“I have to commit myself. Unless I decide to do an out patient program and go to CA.”

“Forget it. They have carrots in California.”

“No. No. Carrots anonymous.”

“What about all the booze you drink? Isn’t that just as deadly as a carrot addiction?”

“Who told you booze is addicting? I have never heard of anything so ridiculous.”

“You know Wolf, the last time you did your research on the internet you were convinced you had Parkinson’s disease.”

“That was only because of the horrendous shakes I had every Monday morning.”

“And you never connected that to your binge weekend drinking, did you?”

“Absolutely not. Drinking calms my nerves. Now that I think about it, it was the carrots. The preamble to doom.”

“And if you did take the 12 step program to kick your carrot addiction, what is the first step?”

“What? Are you kidding? Everyone knows that. Never put carrots in your margaritas.”

Wolf

Oops, she did it again

“Everything go ok today Wolf?”

“Well, not really. It wasn’t the best day I have ever had.”

“Care to articulate or expound? Or expand on that thought?”

“You know what Minnie? You just hang around all day waiting for me to show up, hoping I had a miserable day. You love to gloat. Besides, it was bound to be a bad week. Wawa is on vacation. Everyone knows she always picks the worst weeks to go on vacation. It always rains on her parade.”

“All right. Forget I asked.”

“No, if you must know, Babs ruined my day. I just happened to walk by her desk and she was blushing and smiling, talking to Lou. Those two didn’t see me, but I heard everything. They have plans for the weekend.”

“So what? You know she is wild for the old goat.”

“ Well, it takes one to know one. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I think Jasmine is pregnant.”

“What makes you think that?”

“She is wearing maternity clothes and her belly has exploded. She can’t fool me.”

“You should be happy for her.”

“Why? She stole Jose from me.”

“You should really hang out with Oscar. She has your best interests at heart.”

“The hell she does. She comes in to work early now, so she can randomly run into Hoots and OB.”

“Who?”

“Hoots and OB, Ron and Old Bob. She knows they are crazy about me. Now she has to butt in.”

“Well, start chilling with JC.”

“JC won’t let me hang with her. She says if anyone gets to hang, it’s her.”

“This is really all about E, isn’t it? She wasn’t there today and you couldn’t laugh your ass off with her.”

“Well, at least all the cute guys stopped at my desk today…. Of course, they were looking for her.”

“Didn’t anything good happen?”

“Yeah, Cheryl and I had a nice conversation when Mack walked by. Cheryl said she was gonna kidnap Mack one day and take him home. He laughed and I said, “How cozy. Just you and Mack and your dog.’ And Cheryl said, ‘Oh no, just Mack and I. No dog.’ So my mouth opened and I said, ‘You don’t want a 3 some?’ And she said, ‘No way. No dogs.” And I said, ‘I didn’t mean your dog, I meant me.’”

“Wolf, I really think there is something wrong with you. You might need professional help.”

“Yeah, my salt level is abnormally low.”

“Let’s go. It’s margarita time.”

Wolf

Fresh but not ripe

“I get a kick when those groups from the 70s tour. They sing the same old songs, but look like the walking dead.”

“How can you say that Wolf? They are stars.”

“Sure. Sherrie. Babe, I’m leaving. Under my thumb. Who’s gonna drive you home? Tiny dancer. Allentown. Cocaine. China Grove. Comfortably numb. Billie Jean. Running on empty. Take the long way home. Listen to the music. Cripple Creek. Come on baby light my fire. And let’s not forget Another one bites the dust.”

“Those are great songs.”

“Oh yeah. I love them. But those old geezers, geez!”

“Let me ask you this: Have you been to any of your class reunions?”

“No. I don’t want to see how those kids I once knew got old and wrinkled.”

“Are you afraid they would think you might be in the same boat?”

“Heck no. Some people, like wine and good songs age very well.”

“Ok. So who do you think will live forever as young and fresh, excluding yourself, of course.”

“I guess it is those who are no longer with us. We will never see James Dean as an old man. Jim Morrison will be a hunk forever. Marilyn Monroe singing happy birthday, JFK and John John gone long before they should have. Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Heath Ledger, John Belushi and Anna Nicole, devastated by fame and drugs. And Keith Richards.”

“Keith Richards? He is still alive, you idiot.”

“See what I mean Minnie? Would you go to a class reunion if you looked like Keith?”

“Good point Wolf. Forget about attending that 50 year class reunion.”

Wolf

Slip sliding away

“I am not happy, Minnie.”

“Now what?”

“E is going on vacation tomorrow. And then JC on Friday Wa is gone all week. The Supervisors will be in training for 2 days. It will be like a ghost town at work.”

“Oscar and Babs will be there.”

“True. But those 2 thrive on their work. They ignore the hell out of me.”

“Oh, so that’s what it’s all about… you again. You need that constant attention, don’t you? Isn’t it time you realized the world does not revolve around you?”

“I don’t need attention. I just have a deep desire to be a pain in the ass, and if no one is around, what the hell will I do?”

“Um, your job?”

“Oh yeah, that. Well, today I did a dry run. I pretended the gang was on vacation and I stood up, stretched, didn’t saw a word and guess what? I lost my slip. Bam. It slid right on down to the floor.”

“How lovely.”

“And I reached down, hiked it back up and didn’t realize my skirt was up in the back. I walked around for an hour before someone told me that my heiney was showing.”

“What the hell?”

“Yeah, Lou finally told me. He said, ‘Hey you. Your ass is showing.”

“That was nice of him.”

“Nice? Then why did he follow me around the warehouse pushing that dumpster, laughing and pointing before he finally spilled the beans.”

“Whatever you do, don’t wear that slip to work tomorrow.”

“I won’t. I gave it to Babs.”

“What’s she going to do with it?”

“She is hoping it will fall off.”

“Why?”

“She has a thing for Lou.”

Wolf

You had to be there…

“It was a very strange day Minnie.”

“How so?”

“Gary flushed toilets, Shirl made homemade soap that smelled like vomit, Chuckles acted like his idol, Chuckie, from Child’s Play, E’s keyboard was pounded to death, Scottie walked around like a zombie, JC refused to take E’s account, Oscar was not quite a grouch, Babs got a new hairdo and thought she was hot #%@#%,….”

“Wait a minute. None of this makes any sense. What the hell are you rambling about?”

“Sorry Minnie. I am just wound up after a wild day.”

“Why don’t you relax and go a little slower.”

“Well, ok. I will try. You see Gary prides himself on his janitorial skills and he was pissed off, no pun intended, when he was paged to come up front and flush the toilet.”

“You mean it wouldn’t flush?”

“No. Everyone was afraid to flush it. It might overflow.”

“So why ask Gary to do it?”

“Then we could blame it on him. No one wants to be the one who overflows.”

“What’s the deal with Shirl?”

“She took up soap making and has to use lye in her concoctions. Well, the lye got mixed up with the buttermilk and started a nuclear reaction. Shirl had to race out to the yard with a bubbling, foamy, stinky mess.”

“What the hell?”

“Yup. She might quit her job now and start making bombs.”

“Who is Chuckles?”

“We don’t really know who or what he is. We think he is the father of Chucky, from Child’s Play, but he is not nearly as cute. Anyway, he went on a rampage today and tried to kill the bride of Chucky.”

“Next.”

“I heard this tremendous noise this morning, and thought it was either a tornado, an earthquake or Shirley’s bomb, but it was E’s keyboard. It was demolished.”

“Who did it?”

“Chuckles.”

“And why do you pick on poor Scottie? What do you mean he looked like a zombie?”

“He wandered aimlessly as a cloud….”

“I don’t get it. What about JC?”

“Forget it. She won’t take E’s account.”

“Why should she?”

“Because she has more balls than Chuckles.”

“Huh?”

“And then there was Oscar. Sweet as a pea.”

“Peas are sweet?”

“No, that’s just it. She puts on that pea act. We all know she is acting goofy ever since Friday night.”

“What happened Friday?”

“She got pregnant.”

“Ok, so, moving on to Babs.”

“Don’t talk to me about Babs. She thinks she is so hot with that new hair do. It is ridiculous.”

“Come on. What did she do?”

“She refused to take me out back and shoot me.”

“Wolf, I still don’t know what the hell you are talking about.”

“Yeah, ok, Minnie. You had to be there.”

Wolf

Working and loving it

“Well Wolf. Monday is over. Only 4 more days of the work week.”

“Why do you care? You don’t work.”

“I was just trying to ease your pain.”

“Actually Minnie, you are wrong. I like working. I really do.”

“Nobody likes working. Haven’t you realized that everyone works to retire?”

“Not me. I retired once, for 2 years. Don’t get me wrong. At that point in my life, I needed a couple of years off. I traveled, went camping, frequented the casinos, hosted parties, went for long walks with my dog, and planted flowers.”

“That sounds wonderful.”

“It was. But I couldn’t sleep. I was up every day at 4am, playing games on the internet. I just didn’t feel fulfilled.”

“So you went back to work.”

“It wasn’t an easy decision. I scoured the newspapers, looking for a job that would suit me. Nothing really clicked. I wanted something that would put me back in touch with people, all kinds of people. And then, I saw an ad for a customer service job and it was located only 2 miles from my house. I applied and got hired.”

“That doesn’t sound so great to me.”

“Well, in some ways, it wasn’t. The pay was lousy, and it was a new industry to me. I felt like a fish out of water, but I immediately bonded with the hundreds of people I talked to on the phone. It was exciting and challenging. And the best part was that I didn’t have to supervise. I was only responsible for me.”

“And now, 13 years later, you are still working. And loving it?”

“Yes. I am.”

“Most people would be counting the days until they could retire.”

“I guess so, and good for them. It’s just that I am happy working, at least for now. And when I get to the point that I hate working, and am counting the days off, then I will get out.”

“You are not normal, Wolf. You really should have your head examined. You could be hanging out with me everyday, playing bingo and watching classic movies.”

“Hell no. That’s for old people.”

“Well, you aren’t exactly a spring chicken.”

“Shhhh. Don’t tell anyone.”

Wolf

The 12 commandments of blog writing

“What are you writing, Wolf?”

“An article for the internet: 12 important rules on how to write a blog.”

“What you got so far?”

1. Never try to be humorous, especially if you have a twisted mind.

2. Always back up your stories with facts. No fiction allowed.

3. Do not write about people you know, especially if they are goofs.

4. Never admit to having a blog. That way, you can’t be sued.

5. Always write when you are half in the bag.

6. Do not compare your blog to others’ blog. You will see how crappy yours really is.

7. Do not use obscenities in your blog. It is #@#%% annoying.

8. Forget writing about work place issues. The stuff that happens there is too wild to be believable.

9. Do substantial research on your posts. Call the town gossip before you blast someone.

10. Never admit to having emotional problems. Mental? Ok. But stay away from the emotional baggage.

11. Do not make fun of senior citizens or other strange individuals.

12. And finally, think twice before you start a blog. It can be addicting.

Wolf

She hates people

“I suppose you are looking forward to the work week, Wolf.”

“Nope. 2 of my co-workers have short weeks. I will only have 3 days to terrorize them.”

“They probably can’t wait to get away from you.”

“No, they are used to pain and suffering. They like it.”

“I suppose you will have to pick on Wawa.”

“She took the whole week off. I think she might be going to rehab.”

“I feel sorry for Oscar and Babs, left alone with you.”

“Don’t. Babs will not put up with my nonsense. As soon as I approach her, she practically falls on her head, reaching for her cane. And Oscar pretends she doesn’t hear me, when I make stupid remarks. She has a very irritating habit of ignoring me and sticking to her work.”

“Well, I guess that leaves Snow and Scottie.”

“Yeah, but they are very rebellious. It’s tough to compete with those two.”

“What do you mean rebellious?”

“They won’t take any of my #%@%#.”

“Well, it will be a very long week for you.”

“Yes, but I still have Mary Cat and Pat to pick on.”

“They don’t even sit near you.”

“Yeah, but they are always walking around, constantly snooping.”

“What at?”

“Nobody knows. We just see them walking around all day, although Pat is not quite as sneaky about it. We know where she is headed: for the spiked water cooler.”

“Does anyone ever ask Mary Cat where she is going?”

“No, we don’t dare. She hates people.”

“Huh?”

“She hates people. She loves cats and dogs and horses, but not people.”

“Then just how are you going to terrorize her?”

“The same way I do everyday. I constantly call on the phone and ask dumb questions. Then she gets so frustrated, she comes storming out of her office and chews my ass out.”

“That doesn’t sound like fun.”

“Oh yes, it is. I look like a martyr. Very good for my image. My co-workers feel sorry for me and bring me muffins and cookies.”

“Have you ever heard of mind games, Wolf?”

“Sure. I love scrabble.”

Wolf