Carressing your soul and other BS

“Sure was a nice Tuesday, wasn’t it Wolf?”

“Not particularly.”

“I mean the weather. Sunny, warm, gorgeous.”

“Oh that. Yes. Very nice. I am so happy that you got to enjoy it. I happen to work and was cooped up all day.”

“Yeah, I know. But didn’t the sunshine lift your mood? And the warmth carress your soul?”

“Hell no. There are no windows in the back room. And the AC was on full blast. The only warmth was the hot air exuding from Oscar’s mouth.”

“No, don’t tell me. Another bad day at the office?”

“I asked Babs several times to take me out back and shoot me. She refused. So I asked her if she would consider taking me out front to shoot me. I waited in the front parking lot for 20 minutes, but she never showed up.”

“Babs would never shoot anyone who is suffering. She would have no one to go out with on Thursdays to soak up the juice.”

“Well, at least JC didn’t move yet. She is procrastinating. She just can’t seem to break the apron strings with the bad ass crowd. I mean, up front, she will be forced to comply with the strict rules.”

“Which are?”

“There are 3 rules: 1. Do not hang out with anyone from the back room. 2. Work until you drop. 3. We are looking for volunteers to take Wolf out back and shoot her.”

“May I ask? Was E in a good mood today?”

“Of course. She is the new fox in town. Her pants fall down at regular intervals.”

“And Wawa?”

“She is eating her ass off. This morning, she had a giant cookie in her mouth. She said her son in law made it. I know it must have been loaded with vodka. That girl is flying under the radar.”

“How was Christie Brinkley?”

“Oh yeah. Pat. Looking mighty fine. Flashing blue eyes, long blonde hair, gorgeous smile, and frozen solid.”

“What the hell?”

“Yup. She is a lead in the frozen section department.”

“I sure hope tomorrow is better for you Wolf.”

“At least it is one day closer to Thursday.”

“Thursday? Why Thursday? And not Friday?”

“Cougars night out Minnie. We are gonna rock!”



This little piggy cried wee wee wee all the way home

“Not a good day Wolf?”

“Uhmm. Let’s just say there must be a full moon. Nutsy today. And roadblocks, literally, everywhere. Even on the roads. Signs everywhere: Fresh oil and chips. I sat for over 40 minutes looking at a dozen guys and those big machines throwing down the chips and oil.”

“How did you get home?”

“I turned around and went the long way home. But I had forgotten that some of those back roads lead to nowhere, and I ended up in a corn field at the first turn, and then a pig farm with a dead end. I guess that is so the pigs won’t try to drive away before they are led to the slaughter.”

“Pigs don’t drive, you goof.”

“Yeah, I know. But I had a wild thought as I drove up to the farm. I was hoping to see those little piggies in the yard. I would have let them out.”

“Sure you would have. I noticed you bought pork chops on Saturday. What about that?”

“They were already dead, Minnie. Nothing I could do about that. But I am thinking about going back and saving the pigs, when it gets dark.”

“You can’t save those pigs. It is their destiny. Americans need food. Besides, you always order pork fried rice, so just let it happen.”

“No, I won’t be able to sleep tonight, thinking about those pink little cuties, eating their hearts out and then bam! Curtains!”

“Don’t get so dramatic, Wolf. You know how life is: We humans are carnivorous. Let’s go to dinner.”

“What’s on the menu?”

“Pigs in a blanket.”

“I’m gonna pass Minnie. I’m going out for a steak.”


Where you going?

“Another work week on the horizon, Wolf.”


“No comment?”

“You already know how I feel. Betty Page is moving out, Oscar has decided to quit talking and E is preoccupied with her new life style. Donna is in 7th heaven with her new granddaughter, and Babs is back in cahoots with the boys.”

“What boys?”

“The Finance boys. They watch her like a hawk and listen to everything she says.”


“They are hoping to learn something from her about finance.”

“What about Pat?”

“You mean America’s newest model? She probably has photo shoots.”

“You certainly will be hurting this week, won’t you girl?”

“I have my plans.”

“Oh boy! Like what?”

“Boxes, Minnie, boxes.”


“Whenever empty boxes appear by your cube, it is an omen. You are either moving or you have been chopped.”

“Why would you do that?”

“It’s the element of surprise, Minnie. I am sure it will stun Oscar back into talking, E will forget about her healthy life style, B. Page will walk back to find out what is happening, and Donna will start boozing again.”

“And Babs?”

“She will ask me to go out for drinks, just so we can talk in private. We don’t want the boys to know what is going on.”

“And Pat?”

“Pat will cry and her model makeup will smear and she will look like Tami Faye.”

“And when they find out that it is all a ruse, then what?”

“Then I can start on my next plan.”

“Which is?”

“I don’t have the foggiest. But give me time, I will think of something.”


The beautiful people

“What’s your problem Wolf?”

“I hate being the worst looking person in the office. You should see my co-workers. Drop dead gorgeous.”

“Who are you talking about?”

“All of them. E has the most awesome hair in the world. And the sweetest face. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. It is disgusting.”

“Oh please.”

“And Oscar gets her hair done at least a hundred times a year. And she always looks like she stepped out of a magazine.”

“So do you. Too bad it’s Mad Magazine.”

“Thanks a lot, Minnie. And then there is JC. She changes her looks daily. She comes in one day looking like Elvira and the next day she turns into Betty Page. No matter which persona she takes, she is amazing.”

“What about Babs?”

“Oh Babs. Very chic. Always coordinated. Purple rules. And she has her hair cut now and looks so young, she gets carded at the liquor store.”


“And Donna. Her hair is now streaked with gorgeous hues and she has that youthful look about her. Very disturbing.”

“You haven’t mentioned Pat.”

“I refuse to comment.”


“She is so gorgeous, that she is now a model. I saw the fashion shots in her portfolio. My God, she will soon be leaving us, and we will see her on the front cover of Cosmo.”

“Well, I guess you could take steps to update your look.”

“Like what?”

“Do you still have your paper bag with the holes in it for your eyes?”


Moving up front

“On Monday, one more empty cube in the infamous back room. It’s really a shame that so many of my co-workers are turning into normal people.”

“What do you think makes a person normal, Wolf?”

“Ahh, they become serious, boring, focused, driven, stressed.”

“That’s normal?”

“Yes, in my opinion, it is. That’s why I refuse to give up my abnormality and become just another corporate puppet.”

“Oh for Pete’s sake. A puppet? And how do you differ from these puppets?”

“I don’t have strings. And I play.”


“Yeah. Playing is the secret to a happy life. It brings out the repressed child and allows for fun and joy.”

“Working is fun and joy?”

“It should be. When you don’t have fun and joy, work is drudgery. I enjoy the people I work with, I have fun with the crazy things that can happen on any given day and I try to bring humor into the equation, to make people smile. When I can’t laugh at myself, I know I am taking myself too seriously.”

“Don’t you think that being normal is important too? To fit in with the culture?”

“Nope. Individualism is import. Differences are important. Supporting others is important. And of course, most importantly of all, is being yourself.”

“What about doing a good job?”

“That goes without saying. You have to be competent and productive, but you can still be unique.”

“Well, now that JC is moving up front, do you think she will change?”

“That remains to be seen. But I sure hope not.”


Calculated randomness

“What’s up, Wolf?”

“Thinking about the laws of chance and randomness.”

“Now wait a minute, it’s Friday night. Let’s not get into these ridiculous musings.”

“I can’t help it. I have been thinking about the situation at work. I think my attitude and happiness are affected in one way or another, by the people who surround me.”


“Well, the people who surrounded me are all leaving. First it was Kim, then Missy. Ash was next and now it is JC.”

“Hmm. Do you think there is a common thread here?”

“Yes, It has me wondering. Am I the thread?”

“Of course you are. Nobody can sit by you for very long and remain sane. These people had a choice: Stay there and be marked as goofy, or move on and get acquainted with the elite crowd. I can guarantee you their work lives will be enhanced, even normal once they leave your little circle of craziness.”

” But what has me worried is that Oscar will be moving up front soon and that leaves E and me. Who is to say that E won’t get fed up with me and I will be alone. I will be isolated, alone in a sea of empty cubes, with no one to tease and torment.”

“You could walk around and visit people.”

“Oh no. That is not allowed. You are assigned a cube and you better hang out in there and work.”

“I guess you should examine your purpose in the office. Perhaps your co-workers are being moved so that you will focus on your work and not act up. There could be a deliberate plan to stabilize your behavior. It might not be random afterall.”

“Yeah, well, I already have a plan. I am gonna tear down the cubes and have a giant office, and spread the heck out. A nice conference table, chairs, a refrigerator, a cot, TV,and a lounger would fit nicely in there. If I have to be alone, I might as well be comfortable.”

“You will never survive without people around you.”

“Well, since I will have the whole back room to myself, I will be the oasis in the barren desert. I will lure people back to the garden of evil to remember how it was when work was fun. I will stock my refrig with beverages and hold impromptu meetings.”

“Don’t worry too much about it Wolf. If I know you, you will find a way to carry on with your mission of creating havoc.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I think I will work on Linda. I know I could corrupt her if she decides to move into the back room.”

“Forget it. Pat has already corrupted her.”

“Yeah, so maybe Chicken Butt. That kid has potential.”

“I think something else could happen, if you are alone in that back room. You could be moved up front. They aren’t going to leave a whack job alone unsupervised.”

“Thanks Minnie. I didn’t think of that. Yes! I can’t wait to see who I get to sit by.”


Bananawolf's Blog

“Oh my. Those storms. Wild.”

“Terrible. You got home just in time, Wolf.”

“You know what, Minnie? I don’t like summer anymore. It is too hot and too humid and those storms are scary.”

“That shows your age, Wolf. When you were a kid, you didn’t give a hoot about storms. But now that you are ancient, you are scared of your own shadow.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t have a computer when I was a kid. Without power, there is no computer. There were only 3 channels on TV, so who cared if they were off the air? The cable we have now, goes nuts in every storm. And I lived in Minnesota, where we didn’t know what an air conditioner was.”

“So, now, you have progressed into another age. You have to have electricy or you can’t survive, without suffering. You would be hot, miserable and not entertained. Whatever…

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Soft, spoiled and sophisticated

“Oh my. Those storms. Wild.”

“Terrible. You got home just in time, Wolf.”

“You know what, Minnie? I don’t like summer anymore. It is too hot and too humid and those storms are scary.”

“That shows your age, Wolf. When you were a kid, you didn’t give a hoot about storms. But now that you are ancient, you are scared of your own shadow.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t have a computer when I was a kid. Without power, there is no computer. There were only 3 channels on TV, so who cared if they were off the air? The cable we have now, goes nuts in every storm. And I lived in Minnesota, where we didn’t know what an air conditioner was.”

“So, now, you have progressed into another age. You have to have electricy or you can’t survive, without suffering. You would be hot, miserable and not entertained. Whatever happened to those good old days, when you didn’t need anything to keep you happy and occupied?”

“Gone, Minnie. We are soft, spoiled and sophisticated. We need our comforts or we are miserable.”

“So what did you do as a kid?”

“We stayed outside all day and only came in to eat. We had one bicycle and my brothers and I shared it. We caught bugs and worms in jars and kept them in our rooms, and couldn’t wait to go fishing. We prayed for ice skates each Christmas and when we got them, we slept with them under our pillows. And we went skating every night. In the summer, we slept outside, and didn’t worry about the heat, bugs or wild animals. When it stormed, we played Monopoly or Clue. And we loved it when Mom would make kool aid and peanut butter sandwiches, and let us eat outside. I guess we were easily amused.”

“Do you miss those days, Wolf?”

“Does it really matter? Those days are gone. We have to deal with now.”

“The storms have subsided a little. You are back on your computer. Are you happy now Wolf?”

“Could you make me a peanut butter sandwich Minnie? And can we sleep out on the deck tonight?”


Is she wearing panties?

“Can I confide in you Minnie?”

“What if I said no?”

“Hey. That’s not an option between friends. I need to ask you something. And it is important.”

“Yeah. Ok.”

“If someone, let’s say a co-worker, came to work, fully dressed, and her pants fell down, what would you do?”

“Well, does she have panties on?”

“That has nothing to do with it. Her pants are on the floor. Who cares about her panties?”

“Why did they fall down?”

“Again, you are missing the point. The pants are down. The girl has lost her pants. She is at work. I need to rush in and do something.”

“You could let her know, discreetly. Like, ‘Hey, your pants fell off.’”

“You idiot, she most likely knows that her pants fell off. I want to know what should I do?”

“How do you know she knows? Maybe she didn’t observe the falling of the pants. She might walk around the office and trip. You really should mention it. Safety first, you know.”

“Safety? What the heck? This is a girl who has lost her pants. She is in a vulnerable position. I have observed it. I have an obligation to do something. Now, what should I do?”

“Ok. I get it. Someone lost her pants. And you did nothing. You are not a nice person.”

“No, she hasn’t lost them yet, but she will. I feel it in my heart.”

“And what makes you feel this way?”

“I see it coming on. A major losing of the pants. I am asking you as a friend, what should I do?”

“That’s easy. Have her wear a skirt.”

A cold day in hell

“It’s National Tequila Day, Minnie.”

“Did you celebrate?”

“Yes, I did. But not with tequila. I opted for resveratrol.”

“What the hell is that?”

“It’s an ingredient in wine. Very good for you.”

“Who told you this?”

“Pat. She knows everything. She is so smart that she can look at us and know what we are thinking.”

“ESP? Psychic? or what?”

“All of the above. She sauntered through the back room today and had chilling revelations for us.”

“Like what?”

“Well, for starters, she told Oscar that she was a grouch.”

“Like that is a secret?”

“And she told E her pants were falling off.”


“Then she took a look at JC, and didn’t say a word.”


“Vibes. She knew better.”

“And she saw Babs eating Chinese food, and mentioned that her cat had recently died.”

“Oh no!”

“Yup, and she saw Donna at the cooler and whispered in her ear.”

“I wonder what she said.”

“She said, ‘Hey, save some for me.'”

“Did she say anything to you?”

“Yeah. She said, ‘Don’t pay any attention to what LLI says.”


“Linda, with the laughing I’s.”


“That’s computer slang for eyes.”

“Doesn’t LLI tell the truth?”

“Of course she does. Pat doesn’t want us to know that she has her weaknesses. And LLI has a wild streak in her, when she is drinking resveratrol. It has a reputation of being a truth serum, you know.”

“Just what kind of weaknesses do you think Pat has?”

“Well, between us girls, I hear she goes on facebook and reads ridiculously silly blogs.”

“Tragic, for such a smart girl.”

“You got that right Minnie. It would be a cold day in hell before I would read those blogs.”

“Have you noticed? The temperature has dropped. Geez, it’s freezing in here.”

“Be right back. I am going to get a sweater.”