Perception and reality

“And then Harvey looked at all the young, beautiful girls at the bar, and turned to me and said, “You know what Wolf? I love Cougar’s night out.”

“Huh?”

“And I turned to him and said, “Those aren’t Cougars, Harv. They are just young girls, looking for a good time and a good friend.”

“Huh?”

“Then Harvey blushed and said, “Yes, indeed. As much as I love your company, if you should ever croak, I am out of here.”

“Huh?”

“I chastised the old boy, but gave him a wink and said, ‘You know, Harvey, if you want to hang out with the young stuff, go ahead. I have unconditional love for you. If you prefer one of those bimbos, to me, go for it.”

“Huh?”

“Harvey winked back and said, ‘Would you mind, if I just walked up and introduced myself?”

“Huh?”

“Of course, I gave him my blessing. And he approached the bar and introduced himself to a blond bombshell who was nursing her 4th margarita.”

“Huh?”

“Well, she fell in love with Harvey the minute she saw him. They did a fabulous rendition of WHAT IS LOVE and the bar exploded in applause.”

“Huh?”

“Being the gentle rabbit that he is, he gave all the credit to Ms. Bimbo. She was ecstatic. She was the center of attraction. The guys swarmed around her as she climbed onto the bar and did the Chicken dance.”

“Huh?”

“Harvey walked back to our table and said, ‘Ain’t life grand?”

“Huh?”

“I said, ‘Would you care to dance, Harvey?’”

“Huh?”

“All he did was wink at me and said, ‘Hey Sista, you better get the hell out of here. You are Tony Bennett in a world of Bruno Mars.”

“Huh?”

“Harvey knows all about that kind of stuff, being an ageless prophet and wise beyond his years.”

“Huh?”

“So we left Cougar’s night, with our hearts on our sleeves and our six packs in our hands and toasted to the youngsters who are looking for what we already have.”

“Huh?”

“We have what everyone yearns for, Minnie.”

“Huh?”

“An everlasting relationship between what is real and what is perceived.”

“Huh?”

“Forget it Minnie. Could you bring us another beer?”

Wolf

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She loves me, she loves me not

“Should she? Or should she not?”

“What’s this? A game of love me, love me not?”

“Should the girl with the long golden locks cut them off?”

“You talking about Rapunzel?”

“Close, Minnie.”

“So what’s the answer?”

“There is none. These questions have no answers. Here’s another: Should she or should she not feel guilt and remorse?”

“Now what did you do?”

“Should she offer to stay late, help the overwhelmed poor sob, or just walk out at 5pm and let the gal struggle in misery?”

“I already know you left at 5.”

“Ok. And should she or should she not interfere in her sister’s life? The sis is 20 years old and the new boyfriend is 47.”

“I would have to say yes to that one.”

“How about this? Should she or should she not celebrate Cougar’s night out with an invisible rabbit?”

“For dumb. You know you will. Everyone’s tired of that goofy Harvey.”

“And finally, should she or should she not continue writing stupid stuff on facebook?”

“Now that one has an answer. Of course you will. We all do.”

Wolf

What the hell?

“I decided to be devlish today.”

“What are you? An egg?”

“You silly goose. I wanted it to be a good day. I am tired of giving in to the demands of the day, without having a good time.”

“And just what turned the day into a good time?”

“Bananas and ice and “hey, how you doing?”

“I am reluctant to ask what that means.”

“I told E I would show her my banana if she showed me her ice.”

“Sorry, Wolf. I don’t have a clue what the hell you are talking about.”

“Frigid, Minnie. E is frigid. Well, at least with some people.”

“Can you please interpret these secret codes?”

“E got an unwelcome advance from a deranged man, looking at her cup of ice.”

“I don’t even want to know what you mean. This is ridiculous.”

“It doesn’t matter, Minnie. E has decided to confront the guy and let him know she is off limits.”

“What the hell?”

“Yes, if pumpkin Annie can do it, so can E.”

“I still don’t understand.”

“Ok. Fine. Ask Carl. He is tired of the same old greeting, “Hey how you doing?”

“Huh?”

“Every time Carl goes to the microwave, he runs into this mad hatter, who asks, “Hey how you doing?”

“What does this guy do there, anyway?”

“Looks at the girls’ boobs.”

“Yeah, well, knowing you, you precipitated these encounters, didn’t you?”

“Not me, Minnie. It’s all E’s fault. She is so hot, that old iron sides can’t help himself.”

“Have you been drinking Wolf?”

“Yes, I had a banana smoothie with ice.”

“I highly doubt that.”

“Yeah, ok, Minnie. Just one question: How you doing?”

Wolf

monday

“It was a quiet day, Minnie.”

“Good. You needed a respite.”

“No, not work. People. Very quiet. I tiptoed around the tulips today, to make sure I didn’t spoil the mood.”

“Mondays are like that, aren’t they? I don’t know too many people who like Mondays.”

“Exactly. What a difference from the smiles and laughter of Fridays.”

“You could have made a difference, Wolf. Why didn’t you get all perky and ridiculous and act like it was a great day to be alive?”

“I did. I always do. Just between you and me, I like Mondays.”

“Why?”

“I really don’t see any difference between Monday or any other day of the week. It is a day of the work week. So? Is Tuesday really any different? Or Wednesday? I think it is all the same. Time marches on.”

“Do you think Mondays are as productive as let’s say, Thursday?”

“No. In my opinion, Mondays are the least productive.”

“Why is that?”

“Self fulfilling prophecy. When you feel like it is a “bad” day, it will be a bad day.”

“I suppose you go in on Mondays loaded for bear.”

“No. But once I get there, it’s ok. Let the games begin. Get back in the mind set and go for it. And enjoy every minute.”

“You enjoy every minute of every day, even Mondays?”

“Let’s say it is a challenge, some days, to enjoy what I am doing. But for the most part, yes, I do. If I didn’t, I really should walk out the door and find something else I want to do

“You realize, don’t you, that most people would say you are nuts; that work is not enjoyable. That they can’t wait to get the heck out at 5pm.”

“Oh yeah. I feel that way too. But that is because at 5pm, I am tired, have put in a full day and want to relax and enjoy that other part of my life.”

“A hypothetical question Wolf. If you were wealthy, would you work?”

“Yes, I believe I would. But with one exception.”

“What’s that?”

“I would take Mondays off.”

Wolf

Our legacy

“I have been thinking Minnie.”

“Here we go again. You know that is dangerous, don’t you?”

“No, this is good thinking. I am thinking about the people I work with, and how each one is special. I call it their legacy.”

“Go ahead. Spit it out.”

“In no particular order, I work with the world’s best … at something. For example, the world’s best paper eater is Karissa.”

“What?”

“And the world’s cutest and shortest woman is Pat.”

“Uh huh.”

“Then there is the world’s best cook.”

“Yeah, yeah. Lynne.”

“Yup. And the woman who hides her true identity is none other than Oscar.”

“Why Oscar?”

“Unless you sit by her, you cannot believe this sweet woman is such a grouch.”

“Ok.”

“The drama queen of the world is none other than JC.”

“Hmmmm.”

“The closet drinker is….”

“Wawa?”

“You got it. And the office pet of the world is Candice.”

“Really?”

“Sure. Why do you think we call her the pp princess?”

“What about Babs?”

“Oh yes, Babs. I am so sorry, but I am not at liberty to discuss that.”

“Huh?”

“E is the world’s most flirtatious bomb shell.”

“Wow.”

“And Beavo is the world’s greatest beaver.”

“Whatever that means….”

“Let us not forget Snow. She has the world’s most infectious giggle.”

“And how about Tara and Mandy?”

“Tara is the world’s champion race car driver and Mandy is the mother of the world’s most famous baby.”

“Her baby?”

“Yes, Cameron: The future Gerber baby.”

“You didn’t mention Sophia.”

“Sophia is the world’s best chameleon. She is constantly re-inventing herself.”

“And Missy?”

“The world’s most intellectual kid. Way too smart.”

“And you?”

“Oh that’s easy. I am the world’s best pia.”

“Right on with that one, Wolf.”

Wolf

Private parts

“What are you drinking Wolf?”

“Chocolate milk.”

“Since when did you start drinking milk?”

“Today.”

“Give that to me. Let me taste it. Aha. That’s not chocolate milk. That is Bailey’s.”

“Same thing.”

“You’re not drinking wine today?”

“Not yet.”

“I didn’t know you drank anything but wine. What’s going on?”

“I am deficient in vitamin D. The doctor told me to drink milk, so that’s what I am doing.”

“Did you mention that you drink wine?”

“Sure. He asked me if I drink red wine and of course, I do. And that made him happy. He loves wine too.”

“I suppose you told him you drink wine in moderation, like a glass a day.”

“Of course. I always start out with a glass a day. I just didn’t bother to mention the rest.”

“Just who do you think you are fooling? If you lie to your doctor, you are only fooling yourself.”

“I didn’t lie. I just omitted a few facts.”

“Wait til the day when he tests your liver. That should be quite revealing.”

“I will have you know that my liver is just fine. It’s my other part that is goofed up.”

“What other part?”

“You know, the part no one likes to have examined.”

 
“What the hell are you talking about?”

“The private part. The part that shrinks if you drink too much.”

“I don’t get it.”

“The brain, Minnie. The brain. I think I may have lost a few cells up there.”

“Oh for Pete’s sake. I thought you meant something else.”

“It’s ok, Minnie. I am the master of illusion.”

“Get out, you moron. You are a master all right: the master of delusion.”

Wolf

Bliss

“Good evening, my fellow co-workers, Americans, and screwballs. It is Friday evening and all thoughts of work are tucked away in our subconscious. We have choices to make tonight. Should we celebrate the end of the week? Stop at the liquor store for a few bottles of Shiraz? Should we crash on the couch, watching the Little League Championships? Or should we go home, cook dinner, do the dishes and head for bed at 9pm? It is the best of all times, Friday nights. 2 days of freedom ahead. If you are like me, you want to relish this feeling, but in my case, I am too beat (or beat up) to want more than a nice soft pillow and a good night’s sleep.”

“What the hell are you doing? Giving a speech?”

“Yes. It’s the state of the union address. Friday night for workers. The best night of the week.”

“You know what Wolf? I think Friday is one of your worst nights. You wait all week for it and then, bam! It is here and you are exhausted. You don’t even schedule Cougar’s night out on Fridays anymore. What’s up with that?”

“Don’t be silly, Minnie. I love Friday nights. I know I can do whatever I like and not have to crawl out of bed at 530am, to get ready for work. I can put aside all the experiences of the past week, and chalk them up to experience. I can sleep in tomorrow and loll around until the cows come home. I can be the ultimate bum and drink a pot of coffee on the deck, in the morning, in my jammies. It is freedom, that’s what it is.”

“And just what are your plans for tonight, Miss Liberty?”

“Plans? Don’t ask me a ridiculous question like that. Freedom means never having to have a plan. It means you should leave your options open.”

“In other words, you have nothing planned. What kind of a Friday night is that?”

“To put it simply, a Friday night doesn’t need to be anything other than being what it is. To the workers of America, that’s all it needs to be. Friday nights are pure bliss.”

“Makes no sense to me, Wolf.”

“That’s ok, Minnie. It is a working thing. TGIF.”

Wolf

I know nothing, I see nothing

“She said: “I am going to be quiet today. Hello Wolf. Now don’t talk to me the rest of the day.”

“Who?”

“Guess! Oscar, of course, and then she talked her ass off all day.”

“Hmmm.”

“Then E came in wearing a gorgeous dress. We whistled and told her she is the new sex symbol in Customer Service.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, damn it. She stole that role from right under my feet.”

“Please.”

“Then Beavo moved into the next cube. She is so organized, it is disgusting. She has everything under control. I think I need to go in early tomorrow and rearrange her stuff, and see how she reacts.”

“That isn’t nice.”

“Yes it is. If you work in the back room, you better be a basket case and a mess, or you just won’t fit in.”

“Don’t be a goof.”

“We are trying to get Babs to move in, and if she does, watch out world! She and I were secretly born as twins, separated at birth, and ended up in Germany.”

“What?”

“She is Schultzy and I am Clink. We know nothing, we see nothing…”

“I really think you should start hanging around with civilized people Wolf. Like Pat and Donna.”

“Are you kidding? Pat wants to adopt a giraffe and Donna thinks she is a giraffe. Civilized? Don’t bet on it.”

“May I ask? What got Oscar talking so much today?”

“Oh she started out by lying to Jazz. Oscar told her that her account is the most wonderful one in the facility, when we all know that she wants to dump it on that mischievous little Jazzy. And then she started to act like a crazy woman, laughing hysterically over every email. She said she has to start all over with the Ps.”

“P’s?”

“Shhhhhhhhhh. We don’t say it out loud, but P stands for proposals. She finished them in May, or so she thought. Now the sales people want her to start over, and give them another shot.”

“Sounds like she could use a shot or two.”

“It’s too late. The girl is whacked out, laughing, mumbling, ranting and crying all at the same time. Wasted, that’s what she is. A crumbled up rag doll of a customer service person. Such a shame. And now this lying. It is getting way out of control.”

“Why don’t you try to help her?”

“I should, but she scares the hell out of me.”

“For dumb!”

“No, really, she has this wild crazy look in her eyes.”

“Well, Wolf, tomorrow is Friday. Let’s hope nobody goes nuts at the office.”

“Don’t say that word, Minnie. That nut word. It describes my environment. I am helpless. I am nothing but a nut in a world of squirrels.”

Wolf

A case of the sillies

“Hey there girl. How was your day?”

“Wild. It began with a crazy order, for Frieda Ho.”

“Who?”

“That’s her name. Frieda Ho. It tickled me. Scottie said it would make a great drag name.”

“I take it you had one of those silly days.”

“It’s amazing, Minnie, how the sillies will sail you through an otherwise rough day. When you are laughing through it all, it makes you the captain of the ship.”

“Did you manage to get through all the trials and tribulations?”

“Sure. When it got overwhelming, I strolled up to Bab’s desk and asked her, ‘What is love?’”

“What the hell?”

“And then we started our routine, ‘Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me no more.’”

“What routine?”

“Oh come on. You know the routine. Shaking our heads like those Saturday Night Live idiots. We have it down to perfection.”

“Please.”

“And Mary Cat brought in those huge buns from the bakery and I saw Pat eating one. Now keep in mind, this is the same girl who will not allow a single ounce of fat or sugar to enter her miniature body. She gobbled up that baby and sat at her desk with a woozy look on her face.”

“I am shocked.”

“Not me. I really think Pat could be a closet bun eater.”

“Did you eat one?”

“Oh yeah. And I told Mary Cat that her buns are the best.”

“Tacky Wolf. Very tacky.”

“And then I saw Beavo moving all her stuff into the cube next to me. Well, let me tell you. E was ecstatic. Now she has someone who will let Oscar have it when she gets into those moods. And I will have an Irish instigator sitting next to me. We should be dynamite.”

“Hmmm. Sounds like the sillies will prevail.”

“Now, if only I can get that goof Donna to move back with us. I think we would really benefit from her presence.”

“How so?”

“She could teach us pole dancing.”

Wolf

Qualifications

“Uhmm, Wolf, I went on your facebook page today, and most of the stuff on there is about wine, Cougars and drinking. What’s up with that?”

“Quit snooping around, Minnie. You have no right to criticize my fb page. It is private.”

“Private? Oh sure. Only a billion people can see it.”

“Just how many people do you think really look at it? If it makes me smile, what’s the difference? If you worked every day, you would know that I need is to escape once in a while. And what better way than with fermented grapes?”

“It is getting a little trite, Wolf. What other interests do you hold? Do you ever feature your passions? Your dreams? Your prophecy?”

“Sure. I do. I love mother nature and her ability to transform a common fruit into the song of infinity. I love all people. No matter where I go, where I work, drink or shop, I have a bond with my fellow beings. And I love the way we escape from the mundane and routine tasks of our existence. We are all actors in a movie. And it never ends. It’s fun, Minnie. Completely ridiculous and mostly imaginative. But it makes us smile.”

“I don’t get it.”

“What don’t you get?”

“Well, what if an employer reviewed your fb, before hiring you? Don’t you worry about that?”

“Not for a minute, girl. My next aspiration is to be a wine taster. I think I may just qualify.”

Wolf