A great week ahead

“So sorry Wolf. But it’s Sunday night. You know what that means.”

“What?”

“Tomorrow is Monday.”

“Quit projecting into the future, Minnie. It is still Sunday night.”

“I will bet that you are thinking about Monday and the work week.”

“Sure, now that you brought it up, you moron.”

“Do you have a busy week ahead?”

“I don’t. But my co-workers do.”

“Oh?”

“I happen to know that Oscar babysat all weekend. She will be exhausted and crabbier than a wet hen.”

“Hmmm.”

“And with E, it is a toss up.”

“How so?”

“If the Giants won, she will be glowing. If the Eagles won, she will be red eyed and bushy tailed. She won’t sleep a wink.”

“What about Pat?”

“She was super busy all weekend, studying nutrition. She had on line classes, so she probably didn’t get her usual share of Pinnacle Ridge Quaf. She will be a miniature crabby Appleton.”

“What about Donna?”

“That is a given. Super bushed. You know, (wink wink), drunk as a skunk. Those hangovers are a bitch.”

“And JC?”

“Oh yeah. JC. She loves Mondays. She knows the rest of us are as miserable as she is.”

 
“And Babs?”

“Well, I must say. It is refreshing to see that she gave up the cane. I was so tired of the daily beatings.”

“May I ask? Do you think Beavo will have a great week?”

“Oh yeah. She is gloating her ass off.”

“Why?”

“Well, she and MC had a slight misunderstanding and MC came in last week, hugged her and apologized. MC has never ever in her entire 79 years hugged anyone else. Now Beavo thinks she is hot stuff.”

“And you are anticipating a great week Wolf?”

“I always do. The problem is, it never happens. But being Irish, a lush and a complete idiot, I always hope for the best.”

“Is that your new philosophy?”

“Of course. I am devoting the week to me, thinking positively. I like to think of the week ahead as noted in this famous Irish quotation: Ar mhaithe leis féin a níos an cat crónán.  A self fulfilling prophecy”

What’s that mean, anyway?”

 
“The cat purrs to please itself.”

Wolf

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Rolling cabbage

“Minnie, how do you make a cabbage roll?”

“Throw it on the floor, like a bowling ball.”

“No. No. No. I meant, how do you prepare cabbage rolls?”

“You give them a pep talk?”

“Forget it. I should have known better than to ask you.”

“What? Do I look like a cook book? I think I made them a long time ago. And you have to have cabbage.”

“Genius, that’s what you are. Of course I have cabbage.”

“Then throw the cabbage into a pot of boiling water and when the leaves are soft, stuff them.”

“Stuff them? With what?”

“Now there’s the question of the day. Now if you were making galumpkis, I could tell you exactly what to do.”

“You idiot, galumpkis are cabbage rolls.”

“Why didn’t you say so? I love galumpkis. I eat them all the time.”

“So how do you make them?”

“Are you kidding? I buy them at the deli. I can’t be bothered with dinking around with those cabbage leaves. Too much work.”

“You really take the cake, Minnie. I am not going to the deli. I am going to give it my best shot, no thanks to you.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure of that.”

“Why not?”

“Saturday night is my bowling night. I couldn’t find my bowling ball.”

“You didn’t!”

“Wait a minute, Wolf. You haven’t heard the best part.”

“What?”

“I bowled a perfect game.”

Wolf

I thought that I heard you sing

“Wolf? Want to go out tonight? They have that singing thing at the pub tonight, with prizes.”

“What singing thing Minnie?”

“I can’t pronounce it. But I think its spelled carryoakie.”

“Oh for Pete’s sake. It’s Karaoke.”

“What’s it mean anyway?”

“I don’t know. It’s some kind of Japanese word. Let’s look it up:”

“”Kara” that comes from Karappo and means empty and “Oke”, shortened from Okesutura meaning “orchestra”. So Karaoke means “empty orchestra”.

“Want to go?”

“I might. But it would be no fun. I would win, hands down.”

“Oh right. What would you sing anyway?”

“It’s a toss up between Losing my religion and Beast of Burden.”

“I don’t like either of those songs. Besides, they are ancient.”

“I love them. They describe me to a tee.”

“How?”

“I would never be a pain in the ass, aka beast of burden, even if you threw me out in the street, with no shoes on my feet. And I’m always in the corner, keeping an eye on you.”

“Huh?”

“But that was just a dream, just a dream.”

“I should never have got you started. If we do go, I am singing a great classic, Achy Breaky Heart.”

“Ha! That has to be the most stupid song ever.”

“Shut up Wolf. And for my second choice, it is Don’t worry, be happy.”

“Unbelievable. Both very crummy choices.”

“I forgot to mention. You have to be in costume, when you sing. Something that reflects the song.”

“Great. You can go as the Village Idiot.”

“And you can go as a beast, standing in the corner.”

“Hey, I thought that I heard you laughing..”

“It never fails. Whenever I suggest something, you have to put the kibosh on it.”

“Kibosh? I thought it was kabosh. Let me look that up.”

The word kybosh, or kibosh,… from the Yiddish word kabas or kabbasten, meaning to suppress or stop.

“See? I told you.”

“Do you believe in fate, Minnie?”

“Huh?”

“Let’s put the kabosh on the carryoakie and stay home and fight.”

“Why?”

“Saturday night’s alright for fighting.”

“You know what Wolf?  You are nothing but a goofy left over hippie.”

“Aw, Minnie.  Am I breaking your achy heart?  Take my advice, Don’t worry, be happy.”

 

Wolf

What’s your excuse?

“I had a rough week, Minnie. I think I will have a drink.”

“MMM, hmmm.”

“What?”

“If you had a good week, then what? No drink?”

“No, I would have a drink to celebrate.”

“Do you think you might have a drink no matter what?”

“Absolutely not. I always have a reason to drink, just like my co-workers.”

“Oh sure. Just like your buddies. Go ahead, who you talking about?”

“Oscar drinks to forget.”

“Forget what?”

“That she is a miserable grouch.”

“Ok.”

“E drinks to calm her Tourette’s syndrome. She has that problem whenever Louis calls.”

“Sure she does.”

“Donna needs a drink whenever she shakes.”

“Shakes?”

“Yeah, the DT’s.”

“For dumb.”

“Beaver drinks to forget that the old guy is back.”

“What old guy?”

“The old guy who returned from the Orient. He is dating her sister.”

“So?”

“Her sis is 12 or something like that. He is approaching senior citizen status.”

“Good grief.”

“Pat drinks to thaw out.”

“I don’t get it.”

“You know, most people drink to chill out. Pat thaws out. She sits in that freezer all day with mcat.”

“Huh?”

“Babs drinks whenever she needs a good laugh.”

“Babs is always laughing.”

“See what I mean?”

“I suppose Snow drinks whenever there is a snowstorm.”

“Oh yes. She does. But then, she carries fake snow around with her, to make sure she always has a reason.”

“And JC?”

“She gave up drinking. Now she eats bananas.”

“Once again, Wolf, I must say, you make absolutely no sense.”

“Yeah, well, Minnie, you had to be there…”

Wolf

Wolf Gump

“I’m feeling rather poorly, Scarlett.”

“Oh boy, here we go again, with the movie quotes.”

“Minnie, have you ever seen a grown man naked?”

“It’s impossible to have a conversation with you. Why can’t you grow up?”

“Did you say I am a yoot? What’s a yoot?”

“Hey, It’s me, your friend, Minnie, not some stranger, you idiot.”

“I always depend on the kindness of strangers.”

“If you don’t stop, I will beat your ass!”

“No more wire hangers!”

“You are way too stressed out, or half in the bag. You should really take time to smell the flowers.”

“Rosebud!”

“I think you should apologize to me for this nonsense.”

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

“I’ve had it with you. I am changing into my pjs.”

“Nice beaver.”

“Before I leave, I will give you one more chance. Quit burning your bridges and start building your relationships.”

“If you build it, they will come.”

“Ok, that’s it. You are way too silly for me.”

“Are you calling me a clown? What? Am I a clown?”

“No, I am calling you a ridiculous goof. Can you stop now?”

“I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse.”

“Yeah? What? Go ahead, make my day.”

“Knock it off Minnie. I am the only one who can quote movies and get away with it.”

“Tough. Life’s a bitch and then you die.”

“Who said that?”

“I did.”

Wolf

Let’s not talk about work, Ok?

“Minnie? Can we talk about something other than work tonight?”

“I can, but the question remains….can you?”

“Yes, of course, but first I want to tell you how wonderful my co-workers were today.”

“Here we go again.”

“Oscar served me my last supper.”

“Oh no. What the heck?”

“I was going to walk out or get canned. I could feel it in my bones. So I said, ‘Hey, I am hungry. Is anyone going out for lunch? I really could use a last good meal.’”

“You are really getting outrageous with these off the cuff remarks.”

“Oscar went out at noon and brought me a baked potato and a California burger from Wendys. It made me jump for joy.”

“It doesn’t take a whole lot to please you, does it, Wolf?”

“And E shared a wonderful story. Some no good low down son of a B started rumors about her and some kid in the warehouse, and she confided in her good friend, Ozzie, and he stopped the rumor dead in its tracks.”

“Hmmmm. How does that affect you?”

“It made my eyes well up. As my tears streaked down my face, I confessed to E that her boyfriend and I are now a number.”

“Ridiculous.”

“And Beavo saw my intense suffering and took some of my orders from me and completed them.”

“Nice!”

“Yes. And then when she had to stay after 5pm, to complete them, I sneaked by her to get the hell out and go to my watering hole.”

“How tacky!”

“And then there is Pat. She rarely talks about herself. Very private person. But she opened up and revealed a part of her I didn’t know existed.”

“What’s that?”

“Her philosophy: Judge not lest you be judged. Live and let live.”

“That’s better than yours. Live and let die.”

“Babs wore a very sexy blouse today. I had to remark, just loud enough for her cube mates to hear, that she was the sexiest thing around since sliced bread.”

“Sliced bread is sexy?”

“Yes, if you put whipped cream on it.”

“And Donna?”

“Aww… Donna. I will not say one bad thing today about that boozing babe. She is off limits. She had a death in the family.”

“Oh how very sad. I am sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah, so let’s talk about something other than work tonight, ok Minnie?”

“Sure Wolf. But before we get to another topic, anything else you want to say?”

“Yeah. Is it Friday yet?”

Wolf

Who’s eating your lunch?

“Wiped out Wolf?”

“Yes, Minnie, wiped out.”

“Downtrodden and beserk?”

“Why in the world do you have to add those obstrosities to my vocabulary? Isn’t it enough that I am whipped?”

“For your information, there is no such word as obstrosities.”

“Well, there is now. I even heard my boss, Tin Lizzie, using it today.”

“So no one had a good day?”

“Look, Minnie. The day was a zoological nightmare. All the caged beasts were at their wits end. We were waiting for feeding time, but, alas, we were all devoured. The animals ate the beasts for lunch.”

“Can you please tell me what was so terrible about today?”

“I just did, you goof. Hannibal Lector. He had his customer service friends for lunch.”

“What’s in store for tomorrow?”

“We are on the menu. Take your pick. Do you have a sweet tooth? Then choose the innocent Baby Chicken Butt. Quite tasty and coated with lavender paper. Have a fetish for sweet and sour? Then the dish of the day is Oscar. Want lean cuisine? Eat spring rolls with E and watch your pants fall off. Want a refreshing refreshment? Go on a liquid diet with Donna.”

“What the hell?”

“Want excitement for lunch? Follow Pat and steal lunches from the refrig. How about a hilarious lunch? Eat with Babs. You won’t care what you have to eat.”

“Wolf, have you considered that you might be going mad?”

“Shut up Minnie. I am not through.”

“OK, so what’s your luncheon appeal, Wolf?”

“If you want chicken, think twice before you order Wolf.”

“Huh?”

“She will allow you to kick her ass, and then serve it to you for lunch.”

Wolf

Just do it. Explain later.

“Wow, Minnie. What a crazy day.”

“Now what did you do?”

“I got the girls in trouble, with MCat.”

“Oh boy.”

“She was wild. We all use the same file to post our rush orders. I guess they are supposed to be in order, by date. Well, after each entry, some goof fills in the next line with a pink highlighter.”

“Uh huh.”

“I tried to post a few rushes and everything came out pink. And the type was in white. So I got disgusted and put everything at the bottom. I can’t be bothered with dates and all that kind of stuff.”

“You are so computer illiterate, it isn’t funny.”

“Well, one of my co-workers must have noticed it and moved everything up to where it was supposed to be. MCat thought she only had 3 rush orders, but all of a sudden, my 4 or 5 moved up and she went wild.”

“You really should start to comply with the rules, Wolf.”

“Yeah, well, I created a fire storm. MCat stormed in and told the girls they were sneaking in rush orders at the last minute.”

“Why didn’t she address the problem with the root cause, namely, you?”

“I wasn’t at my desk. I was hopping around the warehouse like a deranged rabbit. I missed the whole scene.”

“That’s just like you. Create a mess and leave.”

“Well, I ran into MCat later. She shook her head and gave me that “you are an idiot” look. Before she could open her mouth, I said, ‘Geez, who screwed up the rush orders?”

“You didn’t!”

“Yup. And then I said, ‘It might have been me. There is something wrong with my computer. I keep getting pink lines and white type.”

“Please. How trite.”

“She kept shaking her head and since I didn’t get a verbal lashing, I figured I could press my luck. I said, ‘Hey, are my rush orders getting out tonight?’”

“You really don’t know when to leave it alone, do you Wolf?”

“I guess for once, she was at a loss for words, due to my innocence, and outrageous audacity.”

“Did you learn anything from this Wolf?”

“Yes, Minnie, I did.”

“What?”

“Do what you have to do, and not what you’re supposed to do. Then make a mad dash out of the fire storm and apologize later.”

“And just how does that make things go smoothly?”

“It doesn’t. But it sure makes for a lively day.”

Wolf

My cousin Vinny, I mean my cousin Bill

“Hey, MinnIe the moocher, I just heard from my cousin, Bill. He sent me an email. He thinks he is funny.”

“What did he say?”

“He said Minnesota only has 2 seasons. Winter and the 4th of July.”

“How would he know?”

“He is an historian. He knows all that kind of stuff. Besides, he went there in June, in the middle of the Minnesota winter.”

“I don’t recall your mentioning your cousin to me before. So what’s he all about?”

“He is an old goat, retired school teacher. Lives in DC. I really like him but he thinks he is funnier than I am.”

“No one is funnier than you, Wolf.”

“He is. He says he still wears zoot suits. What the hell are zoot suits, Minnie?”

“Ask him. I don’t have the foggiest idea. How old is your cousin, anyway?”

“Oh, let’s see. Maybe 90.”

“Well, that explains it. Zoot suits back then, were those things that George Washington wore. You know, the pedal pushers and the white wigs.”

“No, no, no. He is not that old. More like Abe L.”

“Oh well, then he probably wears fake beards and high heeled shoes, trying to get that gaunt look.”

“Wrong again. I think he is more like Richard Nixon.”

“Is he a crook? Does his wife wear a cloth coat? Did he get his dog as a gift?”

“Ok, let’s make it William Jefferson Clinton.”

“Wow. If he is, can you introduce him to me?”

“Why?”
“There is one president that could wear a zoot suit…or nothing…and I would dress up in my blue dress and hand him a cigar.”

“I didn’t know you smoked.”

“I don’t. And I doubt that Billie boy does either. He just likes to light up.”

Wolf

Fear: a controlling factor

“When people are afraid of something, it controls their lives.”

“What the heck are you talking about now, Wolf?”

“I happen to be an astute observer of things like this, Minnie. For example, I happen to know that E is afraid of spiders. She is even afraid of a picture of a spider. When we want to get her all riled up, we sneak a photo of one on her cube.”

“That is not nice.”

“I also have observed that Oscar is afraid of being criticized. She will work until the cows come home, to get everything just right. And then, if someone happens to notice one teensy little error, she falls apart. When we want to get on her nerves, we point out that she is human. That really tears her up.”

“Cruel. That’s what you are.”

“MC is terrified of bats. She stays up half the night if she hears a scratching noise. She is wearing garlic around her neck now after Pat told her bats don’t like garlic. When we see her coming, we always mumble, ‘Gee, you stink.’”

“I don’t believe a word of what you are saying.”

“Pat is afraid of having her picture taken.”

“How come?”

“Nobody knows. It could be because we put her photo up in the men’s room.”

“Dumb. Very dumb.”

“Now Babs gets all jumpy when someone is looking over her shoulder while she is working on the computer.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. She gets so terrified that if she catches anyone doing this, she immediately swings her cane in all directions. We have lost several co-workers due to her insane fear.”

“I bet Donna isn’t afraid of anything.”

“Of course not. She is fortified with chemical courage.”

“Is JC afraid of anything?”

“Only me. She watches me like a hawk when Eric is around.”

“Like you are a threat? Please.”

“I must say, I am so grateful that I am not afraid of anything. Wait! What’s that on the wall? Hurry. Let’s hide!”

“You idiot. It’s your shadow.”

Wolf