I’m getting a tubal ligation

“Did you get any champagne for tonight, Wolf?”

“Of course.”

“I hope you got Dom Perignon.”

“Sure. I picked up several bottles after I bought the caviar and lobster tails.”

“So what did you really get for tonight?”

“I almost didn’t get anything. The line in the liquor store was ridiculous. It started at the door, went down the right aisle, across the back of the store, and wound around the left side of the store. I was in line for over 45 minutes. If I had to pee, I would have left.”

“But you didn’t, right? You stayed the course, right?”

“Yeah. I had to. I started talking to a lovely woman, and we shared a cart, as we slowly proceeded through the line. Quite dangerous, however.”

“Huh?”

“I kept adding bottles to the cart. It’s amazing how impulsive I get when I have nothing else to do but read the labels on bottles of booze for 45 minutes.”

“But you did remember to get the champagne, didn’t you?”

“Excuse me, didn’t you just ask me that?”

“Well, I have to be sure. I need to toast to a few things tonight.”

“Not your resolutions, I hope. You never keep your resolutions.”

“This time it will be different. I am going to make significant changes to my life.”

“Yeah, ok, Minnie. Care to give me a hint?”

“I am getting a tubal ligation, so I can get off the pill.”

“What the hell? You are 70 years old.”

“And I am cleaning my closet and getting rid of all my fat clothes. I am only keeping my size 8 and 10s.”

“You haven’t worn a 10 in 25 years. Why the hell are they still in your closet? And more importantly, what will you wear?”

“And finally, I am making the ultimate sacrifice. I am taking up drinking.”

“Now that makes sense, but why?”

“So I can hold a conversation with you every night. It gets old, listening to your ramblings, when I am sober as a judge.”

“I’ll drink to that.”

“And what are your resolutions, Wolf?”

“To buy more wine.”

“Why?”

“To make sure I get loaded before I have to listen to your nonsense, now that you are taking up the grape.”

“What do you mean?”

“I hate talking to a drunk old floozy who wears tight clothes.”

Wolf

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End of the year newsletter to all employees

End of year newsletter to all employees:

Well, well, for those who are still around, congratulations. You have survived to work another year… or until you screw up. We hope you enjoyed Christmas off this year. But don’t expect this every year. Let’s put it this way: You got lucky babe.

Now that winter is in full force, we expect all workers to suck it up and get to work on time. If there is a blizzard approaching, we are authorizing your right to sleep in your vehicle, in the parking lot, so that you can arrive on time, ready to work, at your normally scheduled time. Just move that car or truck if the plows come through. If you don’t move, the plows have the right to mow you down.

We are getting a lot of requests for vacation time next summer. The months of June, July and August are full. Under no circumstances will anyone else be allowed to take vacation in those months. We are suggesting February as a great alternative to your summer vacation. There are a number of things you can do in February. We recommend going to see the groundhog emerge from his hole. Or, if you need a respite from the cold and miserable weather, take a bus to Buffalo, NY. When, and if, you return, you will never complain about our weather again.

That brings us to our next subject: Grumbling. Enough already. The open door policy is now closed to grumblers. The managers have a right to close their doors to any and all who even look like they might have this symptom. And to ensure this policy is enforced, we are installing locks on the managers’ doors, along with a peep hole. This practice has to been proven to be highly effective in other similar industries, such as the pentagon and the office of the Vice President of the US.

It is with great sadness that I am addressing the next subject: someone is stealing toilet paper, which is greatly affecting our bottom line. (no pun intended). If you are the perpetrator, trust me, you will be caught. Cameras are now installed in the rest rooms, for security reasons only, of course. Our weekly review of the “movies” will be held each Friday evening, at the local pub. Managers and leads, only please.

You may have noticed that we have invested a great deal of money into our lighting in the facility. We did this to improve our working conditions and to find those no good slackers who were roaming the warehouse in the dark. We call this a win/win situation.

As we approach the new year, let me remind you that we value your opinions, and have installed new state of the art suggestion boxes for your use. Your opinions are completely anonymous and cannot be traced to any individual. They are now located in the restrooms, directly in front of the cameras.

Happy New Year to all. FYI: A snow storm is approaching on Jan 2. Watch out for the plows.

xoxoxoxooxoxoxo

Secrets and silence

“Well, Wolf, winter is 10 days old now, and it is serving up its finest.”

“It is beautiful, I must say. I love being able to stay home and watch the snow fall.”

“It is insulating, isn’t it?”

“Insulating, isolating, imaginative, incalescent and iconic. Reminds me of Conrad Aiken’s Silent Snow, Secret Snow. But that snow was illusionary, existing only in the mind of a 12 year old boy.”

“Well, today’s snowfall is hardly an illusion. It’s real. I didn’t even hear the mailman when he delivered the mail.”

“Aha! You may be slipping into the secret snow syndrome. You might need to contact a shrink.”

“I can tell when something is real and when it isn’t. What the hell are you insinuating?”

“Your mind, Minnie. As one ages, the mind begins to falter. Your thought process waivers between reality and illusion. You just might end up a mad hatter before the winter is over.”

“You ought to know. You haven’t been “right” in years. You are the maddest hatter in Pennsylvania, if not the world.”

“That’s a true sign of your mental instability, Minnie, criticizing others for your own shortcomings.”

“Hold it. You’re the one who started all this silent, secret stuff. All I did was mention that winter just started and it is already a pain in the ass.”

“So, that’s it, is it? You pretend to like the snow, but deep down, you can hardly wait for spring. Silent Spring, at that.”

“Now what?”

“Rachel Carson, Silent Spring. Pesticides, pollution, chemicals in the environment, dying birds.”

“Forget it Wolf. I am going to my room to read a book.”

“Great idea, Minnie, read a good book on a bitterly cold, wintry, snowy day. If you like, I have one to suggest.”

“What?”

“Al Gore’s book on global warming.”

Wolf

In the jungle, the mighty jungle

“Are you going wild on New Year’s Eve, Wolf?”

“Now why would you ask a stupid question like that?”

“You go wild every other night.”

“Then why ask?”

“Are you?”

“Going wild? Yes. Are you happy now?”

“What are your plans?”

“I never make plans. Wildness is only good if it happens with spontaneity…..and Quaff.”

“What’s Quaff?”

“Pat’s favorite wine. I stopped by the winery on the way home from work. I know I won’t be going anywhere tomorrow, in the snow, so I thought I better help my spontaneous combustion along.”

“So you aren’t waiting for Monday night to celebrate?”

“Heck no. I can’t plan that far in advance. I live in the moment, in the here and now, in real time.”

“Most people wait for the holiday to have their parties.”

“That’s what I love about you Minnie. You never generalize, and you back up your fables with facts. I never wait for parties to go wild. My life is a party.”

“Liar. What about when you are at work?”

“Yeah, well, have you ever wondered why I am wild? It’s a zoo, Minnie, an animal kingdom, a beastly experience. Dog eat dog, cat fights, beavers running rampant, drunken skunks, and Tourette’s.”

“Tourette’s? Don’t you mean Toucan?”

“No, Tourette’s is a feline disease of the mouth. And it is spreading throughout the jungle, with alarming speed. Once someone has it, the rest of the critters develop silent symptoms, until the right moment, and then, the howling begins. It becomes a cacophony of wild roars, growling, and expletives.”

“How awful. It’s no wonder you drink.”

“Yeah, I worked at several places in my life, but I finally found the right job for me.”

“Huh?”

“My animalistic and survival instincts are at an all time high.”

“Oh please.”

“I am bad to the bone, born to be wild and every night I take a walk on the wild side.”

“You opened that bottle of quaff, didn’t you?”

“So?”

“So you can add one more to your list.”

“What?”

“You are comfortably numb.”

Wolf

The mother of all weeks

“Oh what a long week, Minnie.”

“Long week? It’s a 3 day work week for you, what the heck?”

“The longest 3 day week in history. And I still have a day left to work before the weekend.”

“What in the world made it so bad?”

“First of all, those no good, wild assed, tourette’s infected co-workers of mine took off and left a few of us goofs with the end of the month and end of the year madness. Then Mother decided to throw in her nonsense.”

“Mother?”

“Mother nature. She waited until those no account cube mates took off and then blew her stack. She rained, snowed, blew and blasted. Quite nasty, Mother is.”

“I think you are just jealous. Mother beat you at your own game. You hate it when someone gets more attention than you.”

“Well, I put up a damn good game. I wore my polar bear hat in the freezing rain and he got so wet, that he got a complex. Now he is bi-polar.”

“For dumb!”

“And I am going to write on E’s little chalk board. The one she taunted us with for weeks. 30 more days to my vacation, 10 more days to my vacation. Last day to my vacation. To hell with that. I am leaving her a message when she returns.”

“What?”

“ First day of work. Only 200 more til your next day off.”

“Oh please.”

“And I had to put up with Oscar for the past 2 days. Do you know how difficult it is to concentrate when you have an eternal pessimist grunting and groaning all day? With no other sounds to compete with it? Dismal. Quite dismal.”

“I bet you missed Beaver.”

“Ha! That little leprechaun. I will choke her four leaf clover when she returns, unless, of course, she made another trip to Trader Joe’s for wine. That would be her only redeeming grace.”

“And Pat is off too, right?”

“Sure. She left me high and dry with MCat. Unacceptable. I can’t handle it when Pat is off. No one else understands.”

“Understands what?”

“High and dry. High is good. Dry is not.”

“Well, cheer up. After tomorrow, it is another 4 day weekend. And you can recuperate.”

“Yeah, I will need it. Like I said, this has been the longest short work week in history.”

Wolf

Christmas is a gas

Dear Santa,

I hope you are resting. I saw you last night, flying in the snow. You woke me up when you landed on the roof. Enjoying your groceries, now, aren’t you old boy? Oink oink. I just got that chimney repaired, you goof. And now there is a pair of red pants hanging off it. Real festive looking.

I left you cookies and milk, but I noticed a missing bottle of eggnog. And then I turned on the news and saw that you got busted for drunk sleighing. You’re supposed to sip it, you idiot.

Those reindeer are really getting out of hand. Do you realize that they have abnormally excessive gas? I lit a candle, in the middle of the night, and my pjs exploded. And I just got those for my birthday. Quit feeding corn to those deer. Or haven’t you heard? Corn causes flatulence. Sometimes I wonder if those deer can really fly or they just get gassed up before Christmas.

I wanted to express my gratitude to you for taking that miserable elf on the shelf back to the North Pole. He is quite irritating, with all that spying and drinking and hanging from the chandeliers. I can’t believe how skinny that runt is. And then I remembered, he is Mick Jagger’s uncle. Quite hyper and such an unbelievable resemblence, I must say.

I got a call last night from the Mrs. She blamed me for having to leave her elves and get up in the middle of the night to bail you out. She said it was the one night she could be alone, just her and the boys. No wonder you keep saying, “ho ho ho.”

I suppose you will be unemployed for another year, you slacker. I heard the unemployment benefits are running out. Maybe you can get a job with the government, as a member of congress. They only work a day or so a year, so it should be a good fit for you.

In closing, I just want to say, that I heard you on the radio. Oh, it was supposedly Lynnard Skynnard, but I know it was really you. Come on, now. What’s your name little girl? I’ll be back next year and I want to see you again? Tacky, very tacky.

My best wishes for you and the Mrs. And if I were you, I would take the ho with you next year, if you know what I mean.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Wolf

Catnip and eggnog

“Are you going to the Christmas party tonight Minnie?”

“What Christmas party?”

“Mine, of course. I did invite you, didn’t I?”

“No. Where is it and who is going?”

“It is right here, and I will be there.”

“No one else?”

“Puff, the cat.”

“That’s your idea of a party?”

“Yes. The best ever.”

“I don’t know Wolf. I am terribly busy trying to get everything ready for tomorrow.”

“Ok. Just checking in. But if you change your mind, Puff is going to open her catnip and I am opening the egg nog.”

“Is that what you call a party?”

“Of course. A party is two or more people or cats or whatever. So if you don’t show up, I intend to watch a movie and let Puff go wild.”

“What movie?”

“Well, Puff wants to watch Garfield, but I am leaning towards a classic, Bad Santa.”

“You mean that terrible movie with Bobbie Brown?”

“Yeah, that’s it Minnie. Billie Bob Brown.”

“Wasn’t he married to what’s her name?”

“Yeah, Marilyn Monroe.”

“Oh yeah. She died, I think.”

“Such a tragedy: she died after Billie Bob tattooed her.”

“Isn’t it a shame that all these famous people die so young?”

“Not all of them die young. Have you watched the concerts on TV lately? I mean Mick and Keith, the Who, Elton, Billy Joel, Kenny Rogers, Frankie Valley, and Neil Young? It is like watching the walking dead, only worse.”

“Yup. And they are still singing the same songs they sang in the 60s.”

“Only worse, Minnie. Their voices are shot.”

“I know you love the Stones, Wolf, but I have to tell you: none of them could ever sing.”

“You got that right Minnie. They didn’t have to sing. It was their persona: the bad Santa persona. It drove the girls wild.”

“I never did like them. I prefer Andy Williams.”

“Sorry Minnie, dead.”

“No way! When?”

“He died after his wife killed a spider.”

“I thought that was Momma Cass.”

“No, she died when Colonel Sanders started putting bones in his chicken sandwiches.”

“Such depressing news, Wolf. Did you say you are opening egg nog at your party?”

“No need to wait, Minnie. Let’s raise a toast or two right now.”

“Well, ok.”

“Cheers Minnie! Merry Christmas! And watch out, Puff found the catnip.”

Wolf

I’m dreaming of a red Christmas

“I heard on the news today that we will have a white Christmas.”

“Not me. I only bought red.”

“No, snow, you idiot.”

“Oh that. Yeah, ok. And just what is so special about snow on Christmas? I mean, it’s winter, right? And winter and snow, duh.”

“It’s for the kids, and Santa and the magic of the day. Why can’t you see the romance in it?”

“It will be real romantic when you go slip sliding away to your granddaughter’s house. And you will probably get stuck there, and have to stay overnight with all those kids.”

“Why do you have to spoil everything? Will you promise to come and get me if I can’t get back?”

“Are you kidding? Me? Yeah. I will get my snowmobile out and buzz on over. You better take your pjs and your toothbrush with you. You might be stuck there for days.”

“I feel half sick now. Why did you have to bring up such distressing news?”

“You brought it up. You want snow for Christmas. As they say, be careful what you ask for.”

“You have your nerve. You will be here, safe and sound, sipping on that grape alcohol, eating cashews and watching The Walking Dead. What kind of Christmas is that?”

“Stress free, Minnie. At my age, I decided it was time to take a stand. No obligations, no traveling, and no worrying about the weather. And Santa knew I was a very good girl this year, so he granted my wish.”

“That is very selfish of you Wolf. You could at least grant my wish, if you were really my friend.”

“You better ask Santa about that. I am not driving in the snow. So, that is that.”

“Where is your Christmas spirit? You make the Grinch look like a saint.”

“Cool it Minnie. You want to spend the holidays with your family, so just go and enjoy it. Meanwhile, I will be here, watching the snow pile up.”

“Don’t you want to see your family?”

“Sure. I will hop a bus to Minnesota, and get stuck in the upper peninsula of Michigan for 2 months. Nope. I don’t go up there in the winter.”

“What is happening to you Wolf? You are getting to be a recluse….a boring old bag…a miserable stick in the mud.”

“Well, Minnie, I did my traveling when I was younger. Too much, I may add. Now, I am content to stay home and relax. It’s my Christmas gift to myself.”

“I can’t believe you said that. Nobody has a relaxing Christmas. There isn’t enough time for that.”

“You find the time for the things that are important.”

“Celebrating Christmas? In a peaceful, relaxing, stress free environment? I have never heard of anything so ridiculous.”

“Don’t forget to pack your meds and slippers Minnie.”

Wolf

Marry merry Mary

“The English language is really hosed up, Minnie. I wish you a merry Christmas, I ask you to marry me and I call up my friend Mary.”

“So?”

“So, Mary, will you marry me and make it a merry Christmas?”

“Huh?”

“And then there is the word here. Come over here, so I can hear you better. Or can we have a dessert in the desert?”

“Dessert and desert don’t sound the same, you goof.”

“Ok, I will give you that. But how about too?”

“Too what?”

“Too bad, it takes two to tangle, to be or not to be.”

“I guess you might be right.”

“Exactly, I have a right to go through my rite, while I write.”

“Those words are called homonyms. Or honemans, or homephones. I forget which.”

“What the hell are you trying to say? Honeybuns? That makes sense. But homephones? Nobody has a home phone anymore, you idiot.”

“Whether you do or not, it doesn’t affect the weather.”

“Quit being a miserable old bear, Minnie. Go ahead bare it all.”

“No way Wolf. I am getting tired of having to weigh everything I say.”

“If there is one thing that irritates me, it is when you whine. It makes me want to drink another bottle.”

“Of what?”

“Of cabernet, of course.”

“Cabernet? What’s that got to do with whine?”

“Oh yeah, I forgot. You don’t drink, do you Minnie?”

“You know I don’t.”

“It’s all about life, Minnie. Life is a cabernet, my chum.”

Wolf

The devil went down to Georgia to avoid the fiscal whichamacallit

“Minnie? Did the world end today?”

“Yeah. It ended. We are no longer a part of the world as we once knew it. We are incarnate, spirits, living in a misty fog, and it’s only a dream.”

“Oh good. I guess that means I don’t have to go to work tomorrow.”

“You idiot, tomorrow is Saturday. You don’t work on the weekends.”

“Now wait a minute. I didn’t work on weekends in that old tired world, but what are the rules for this new world? I guess we will have to learn how to live in the new illusionary world, and set our own rules.”

“I hate rules. Let’s not set any.”

“A world without rules? I don’t think so Minnie. I mean, I need the trash company to pick up on Mondays. And I insist on the liquor stores being open at least 6 days a week.”

“Nope. You can’t count on anything in this new world. You are on your own, floating around in space upside down, like a fallen angel. Dead, Wolf. It’s over.”

“Then how come you and I are still hanging around, talking, and drinking a few brewskies?”
“Purgatory, that’s what this is. You remember your Catholic beliefs, right? You have to hang around in purgatory until you are ready to enter the pearly gates.”

“Geez, it must be so damn crowded up there. I hate crowds. Maybe I should just go wild, get rejected, and trip on down to the boon docks. I bet there aren’t many people who will be there.”

“Are you kidding? It’s so crowded down there, that the devil is thinking about moving to the North Pole and replacing Santa at Macy’s every Thanksgiving.”

“I heard that at the end of the world, the devil died and went to Georgia.”

“Do you believe everything you hear in the news, Wolf? I bet you even believe that the government wanted the world to end, so they could go on vacation and avoid the fiscal whichamacallit.”

“I don’t know, Minnie. I feel the same way I always have, after the world ended. I am still thirsty as ever. You didn’t happen to buy a case of beer, did you, before we ran out of time?”

“Of course, I did. Should we celebrate tonight? Have an Irish wake for the two of us?”

“Oh yeah. And if, just by chance, the black hole opens up again, tomorrow, can we have pancakes for breakfast?”

Wolf