Fry her

Oh oh.  Tomorrow is the last day of the month.


I have been putting off doing that horrible thing that I screwed up.


I am doomed.


I have one day to correct it.


What if I don’t do it?


Let’s just say it slipped my mind.


I completely forgot to do it.


I don’t remember a thing after I killed the son of a bitch.  Oh no, that’s another story.


I should go in, bite the bullet and bare my soul, face the consequences, feel the burn.


I should not have procrastinated.


I am an idiot, in an idiot’s clothing.


The wolf is at the door.


I hear you knocking, but you can’t come in.


I’m on the highway to hell.


I am a poor excuse for a human being.


It’s Friday tomorrow.  It’s D day.


One day left.


What to do?


Oh hell, I am going to do it.


Tomorrow I will face the music.


I will kiss my ass goodbye.


Guilty as charged.


Put me in the dumpster.


I did it.


I left that salad in the refrigerator for 30 days.


I put Oscar’s name on it.


I committed a mortal sin.


And the worst part?  Oscar ate it.







Things I noticed today:


All people respond favorably to a smile


A good BLT is hard to find


A group meeting creates new friends


A cat in heat cannot be silenced….. well, you know what I mean


A chance encounter between two exes is uncomfortable


There is a clown in every office


The older you are, the more amazing you are


If you bond with a new employee, it will be a lasting relationship


Celebrating a birthday can be a hoot


Your attitude will either make or ruin your day


If you get up, move, and get active, you will feel more alive


It helps to take a break when you feel overwhelmed


You have no choice over who you work with, but you can work with anyone, if you are non judgmental


Always express your appreciation for what others do well


Everyone needs space


When you have a few minutes, go outside and either dance in the rain, or the sunlight


If you live in the moment, you truly live


Dreaming is not optional, it is a requirement


And as Kahlil Gibran once said:  In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and the sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things, the heart finds its morning, and is refreshed.










Life is good

The cat’s in heat.


The holiday weekend is over.


We ran out of wine.


It rained all day.


I nailed a squirrel on the way to work.


I forgot it was trash pick up day.


The beer is warm.


I forgot it was Scotty’s birthday.


My cell phone died.


The car’s low on gas.


I have no clean undies.


I didn’t win the lottery.


I can’t find my glasses.


I’m hungry.


A stink bug landed on my head.


I am addicted to candy crush.


My toes hurt.


There is nothing on TV.


I need a hair cut.


My kidneys are stoned.


I ate a can of cashews.


Wait…..I found a bottle of wine.


Yes!  Ain’t life grand?





The smiling moments

Thinking back on the past week, on the moments that made me smile:


The whirling dervish and his mom, Mandy, visited the office and captured my heart.


Kelly shared her life long dream and invited me to be a part of it.  (She’ll be sorry)


Pat rose out of the ashes.


Beaver came back from vacation with a gas bag.


Gina is thinking of quitting and getting a job with Stanley Steamer.


Oscar had her head examined.


E broke into the margaritas.


Carl showed us his umbrella.


Snow dressed up, dressed down, dressed up, dressed down.


Jasmine and Kelly split.


Annie played with puppets.


Tara put up with all of us.


And me?  I smiled.  I do love that back room.








Alligators? IVs? Or Ireland?

“Well, that’s it.  I am moving to Florida.”


“I thought you and Mcat were moving in with Beaver.  She said she is getting booze IVs for you two old goats.”


“Nope.  I am going to Florida, with Kelly.  She has a pool.”


“Where in Florida?”


“Well, that has yet to be decided.  She doesn’t actually live there, except in her mind.”


“And what do you plan to do in Florida?”


“Hang out in the pool and get wrinkled.”


“You already are wrinkled.  Why not just sit in the bathtub and pretend you are there? By the way, do you realize it is humid in Florida?  And they have alligators.”


“Don’t try to dissuade me.   I have made up my mind.  Kelly is getting a house in Florida and I am moving in.”


“Have you told Mcat and Beaver what you plan to do?  After all, you promised them that you would live out your golden years, with them, drinking yourself to death.”


“Nope.  Beav and Mcat are Irish.  And that can be a deadly combination.  Can you imagine?  All those damn Irish girls in the same household?  I mean who would cook the potatoes?”


“In case you didn’t know, Kelly is Irish too.”


“What?  Are you kidding me?  She seems way too normal to be Irish.  Besides,  she has a dog.  Irish people have cats.”


“That’s because they can’t be bothered walking a dog.  The only walking they do is to grab another beer from the refrigerator.”


“Geez.  So Kelly is Irish, eh?  Damn.  And she never told me.”


“So, still going to Florida?”


“No.  I am moving to Ireland.”


“What the hell?”


“Yup.  I want to kiss the blarney stone and drink ale in the pubs and write my memoirs, like James Joyce.”


“You are so full of BS, Wolf, it ain’t funny.  You are constantly dreaming.  Life is not a dream.”


“I believe it was Helen Keller who said:  Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing.  I say:  Without dreaming, there is no life.”


“Well, I guess that is due to your ancestry.  The Irish never stop dreaming.”


“Right.  As the world famous leprechaun, Steven Tyler, once said:  Dream on.”





Is there life after winter?

“Have you ever just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep, Minnie?”


“Huh?  Of course.  Every night.”


“No.  No. No.  I am talking about an excessive compulsion to get into bed and pull the covers up over my head and just forget about the world.  And then, when I do that, the next morning, I am just as tired.”


“You have a serious medical problem Wolf.  It’s called depression.  You might as well face it.  You have gone looney.”


“What do you suggest I do for this malady?”


“Commit yourself into an institution for the emotionally damaged.  Or better yet, get over it.  It’s all in your head.”


“You are no help.  I need sympathy and tender loving care.  I am seriously deranged.  And just getting over it is the idiot’s way of saying that there is no problem.  Don’t you care about my feelings?  I am, after all, a raving lunatic, with a buzz on.”


“Have you ever considered that it could be the wine that you are consuming?  Of course you are tired.  You are drunk as a skunk.”




“Alcohol is a depressant, you moron. You exceeded your limit, and now you are uncomfortably numb.”


“I don’t feel anything, Minnie, except for this craving for getting under those covers.  And don’t blame it on the wine.  That has nothing to do with it.  I felt this way last night.  And every night this week.  At midnite, every night, I thought I would turn into a pumpkin.  I got up and expected to see an orange aura, enveloping my face.”


“Quit staying up til midnite.  That’s your problem.  You think you are 17 years old, and can handle it.  You can’t. You are past your prime.  You are no longer a spring chicken. You aren’t even a fall chicken.   You are now a winter chicken.”


“I am?  Well, that settles it.”




“If I am in the winter of my discontent, I am staying up til 2am every night and living it up.”


“Why, Wolf? Why?”


“Because after the winter is over, then what?”




Self talk

6am:  I don’t feel like getting up.


615am:  I think I am sick.


620am:  I have a slight headache.  Does that count?


625am:  It’s raining.  I can’t possibly go in today.


630am:  I think I will take a day off.


645am:   I am jumping into the shower.  I will make it quick, so I can have another cup of coffee.”


650am:  Shoot.  I feel pretty good.  Damn it anyway.


730am:  I guess I will go in, but I don’t want to.


8am:  Here I am, at work.  Why didn’t I take the day off?


801am:  Is it 5 oclock yet?


830am:  What the hell is wrong with the clocks?  Did they stop?   I feel like I have been here for at least 5 hours.


9am:  I’m hungry.  Guess I will make some toast and peanut butter.


915am:  Hey everybody!  It’s 915!  Time flies….


10am:  Geez, another 2 hours before lunch.


11am:  I can’t possibly wait til noon for lunch.  I think I will faint if I don’t eat something soon.”


12 noon:  Oh no, it’s raining.  And I have to go out for lunch.


1pm:  Coworker gets ready to leave.   “Where are you going?  What do you mean you took a half day off?  Why?  It’s raining and it’s cold and you really should stay and have fun with the rest of us.”


130pm:  I should have taken a half day off.


2pm:  Is it 5 oclock yet?


3pm:  What the hell?  3 oclock?  I can’t possibly last another 2 hours.


4pm:  I can’t believe we aren’t getting out early.  I mean, Monday is a holiday.  What the hell?”


5pm:  OMG.  I made it.  I am so happy I didn’t take the day off.


501pm:  A margarita, please.  And make it a double.







“There he was, 3 feet tall, running his ass off.  He never stops.  Well, unless he happens to run into a cookie.”


“Huh?  You have a short guy working with you?”


“Oh yeah.  He is my soul mate.  He and I bonded the minute he walked, I mean, ran into the office.  I knew he was special, when I asked him how his day was going.  He never said a word. He just ran by and threw his balls at me.”


“What the hell?  This is your new coworker?”


“Yes.  He is a genius.  He runs circles around the rest of us.  He exudes enthusiasm and excitement.  He is very attractive and has charisma.  He is an inspiration to the rest of us. He makes us examine our complacent lives.  His vivacity moves us into action.  Non verbal communication, Minnie.  This little guy has no need to talk.  He just gives us that look and keeps running.  He spares no one.  He rounds up the troops and gives us that special look that says, ‘Hey you idiots.  Live! Run, don’t walk.  Enjoy!  And above all, quit talking and get moving.  Actions, baby.  They speak louder than words.”


“Who is this enigma?  How did you get so lucky to have him join your team?  What did it take to get him to sign on with you goofs?”


“Oh, no, Minnie.  He didn’t sign on.  He ate his cookie and left.  He has bigger fish to fry.”


“Like what?”

“Well, for starters, ice cream, baseball, school and living life to its fullest…. and an occasional cookie.”


“Who is he?  The great Gatsby?  The future president of the USA?  An astronaut? A Doctor?  What?”


“Any or all of the above, Minnie.  The world is his oyster.

“Then why did you let him get away?”

“Are you kidding?  I couldn’t catch him.  In a wink of an eye, he was gone.”


“What’s his name, anyway?”


“No one knows. He didn’t say.  But I have a feeling that his name is not what’s important. It’s what he made us feel that really counts.”


“May I ask?  How old is this little guy?”


“Age?  Who knows?  He could be 18 months old, or maybe, even 2 years old.  But this kid is ageless.  So, if you will excuse me, I need to leave for a little while.”


“Where you going?”


“Running, Minnie.  And when I get back, can I have a cookie?”




A typical work day: sniffing one another

“How was your mid week day, Wolf?”


“Gaseous.  At 730am, I walked into the office and felt like Ed Norton.”


“The movie star?”

“No, the guy on the Honeymooners, the sewer worker.  It was so stinky in that office, I could hardly eat my French toast.”


“Geez, did it smell like that all day?”


“Well, Beaver came in, bloated up like a gas ball, from eating pizza, black beans and egg plant.  The office medics helped her out with tums, gas ex, peppermint tea, and gallons of water.”


“Did it help?”


“It did, until she ate lunch.  2 slices of pepperoni pizza.”


“What the hell?”


“Yeah.  She couldn’t even get into the birthday cake this afternoon.  I guess she was afraid when they lit the candles, she would explode from all that gas hanging in the air.”


“Did you feel slightly gassy?”


“Of course I did.  We all did.  The smell was overwhelming, and we spent most of the day walking around sniffing each other.”


“Did you find the cause of the noxious fumes?”


“There are a number of theories floating around, but no consensus.  So we blamed it on Oscar.”


“Why pick on Oscar?”


“She took a vacation day today.  Now, who takes a vacation day on Wednesday?  Only a sick, gaseous laden woman, like Oscar.  Besides, she wasn’t there to suffer with us, so we figured she stunk up the place last night before she left the office.  She loves drama.”


“There has to be a logical reason for the smelly atmosphere, Wolf.  How can you be productive when you spend your day, sneaking around, sniffing one another? And by the way, there is no such word as stunk.”


“Of course there is.  It’s a derivative of the word skunk, from the Latin translation.  Have you ever studied Latin, Minnie?  If you had,  you would know that skunks are cute little creatures with enormous gas problems.  And throughout the years, the skunks mated with the beavers, and now they are both gas balls, with strange eating habits.”


“Just how did you come to this conclusion?  I mean, this is crazy.  And what strange eating habits?”


“They crave black beans, pizza and egg plant.”


“You want to know what I think of your analysis?”




“It stunk.”








You say yes, I say no. It’s just a shame, that’s all.

“Do you have a dark side, Minnie?”


“Huh?  What do you mean, dark side?”


“You know, the side of you that no one sees, until you kill.”


“Oh for Pete’s sake.  I haven’t killed anyone…yet.  But I am close.”


“Shut up Minnie.  I think we all have a dark side.  We are not all good, nor all bad.  We show the world our good side, so that when we finally do commit a heinous crime, no one will believe it.”


“You don’t have to be a murderer to have a dark side.  It is the mind going bonkers.  The deep rooted anger and oppression, finally lashing out. We snap. We crackle.  We pop.”
I am not talking about cereal killers Minnie.  Don’t be flip.  And forget serial killers.  They are sick.  I am talking about you and me and everyone else we know.    I truly believe that good and evil exists in every one of us.”


“Yeah, Ok,  like the devil and angels, the apple and the snake, the saints and the sinners.  Like you are saying something original?  Light and darkness, right and wrong, you say potato, I say tomato.”


“So what causes the dark side to emerge?  What is it in us that compels us to take the mask off and finally reveal the real you?”


“Look, Tonto, don’t ask me.  It must have something to do with the mind.  Ask your therapist.  Meditate.  Do yoga.  Or better yet, get loaded and tell me how you really feel.  In wine, there is truth.”


“You could have at least used the Latin translation, you idiot.  However, getting back to my original question, do you have a dark side, Minnie?”


“If I say no, you will say, liar, liar.  If I say yes, you will say, I knew it, you phony.  I take the fifth.  I have no memory of any dark side emerging.”


“Then why did you throw out my slippers?  I loved those slippers.  You knew how much I loved them.  Now, I have to break in a new pair. If that isn’t a sign of a dark side, I will eat my hat.”


“What? That panda hat?”




“Sorry Wolf.  I threw that out too.”