Let me sleep on it…

“Do you believe in the self fulfilling prophecy, Wolf?”

 

“Yeah.  You are what you think you are.”

 

So, if you wake up in the morning and believe it will be a good day, will it?”

 

“All days are good.  It’s just that some days are better than others.”

 

“What if you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? Will it be a bad day?”

 

“Depends on who is on the other side of the bed.  I prefer the left side. I sleep on my right side.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“It’s just that the cats hog the bed.  And if I get in there before they do, I sleep on my right side, and hang a few cloves of cat nip on my feet and they go for the footsies.”

 

“Cloves?  Don’t you mean garlic?”

 

“Oh for crazy, Minnie.  I hang the cloves of garlic on my neck.  Do you know I have never in my life time experienced an attack of vampires, since I have had that garlic necklace?”

 

“How did we get from prophesy to vampires?”

 

“I am trying to give you my philosophy of life.  If you have a vampire problem, you either let them suck up your bodily fluids, or you let the  stoned cats hang out on your feet.  If a vampire sees cats on your feet, they will sniff the cat nip and get ripped.  Hence, a good night’s sleep.”

 

“Stoned cats?  Ripped vampires? And you sleep through all the commotion?”

 

“Sure.  But I usually have Investigation Discovery on the TV.  I love falling asleep to the murderous antics of the masses. It soothes my soul.”

 

“And the cats and vampires?”

 

“Oh hell, by then, they are comfortably numb and watch it with me. Until we get hungry.  And that’s when the trouble starts.”

 

“Huh?’

 

“I eat the garlic, the vampire attacks me, the cats hog the bed and they turn off the TV.  They hate noise.”

 

“So, what’s the moral of this story?”

 

“Don’t sleep with the creatures of the night, especially if you are hungry.  They will eat you for lunch, and hog your bed.  And think nothing of it.    Besides, they have survived for centuries, actualizing their self fulfilling prophecies.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yeah. And they won’t love you in the morning.”

 

Wolf

 

Spies, traitors and other despicable creatures

“After today, Minnie, I have a new outlook.  It’s called BEWARE.”

 

“Of what?”

 

“I thought you would never ask.  Here is my new philosophy:

 

 

1.  Innocence is laced with hidden agendas.

 

2.  Ignorance is throwing your partners under the bus.

 

3.  You can’t do it alone.

 

4.  When you betray your loyalties,  you will not survive.

 

5.  No one can be 100% perfect.

 

6.  Blaming others indicates a flaw in your character.

 

7.  Ruthlessness might win the battle, but not the war.

 

8.  A leader is not a showboat.

 

9.  Don’t tell your boss everything you are going through.  Isn’t that your job, to take care of issues?

 

10.  Celebrate successes and failures, and treat both as learning experiences.

 

11.  If you find Judas, don’t let him/her kiss you.

 

12.  Customers are usually vocal when things go wrong.  Don’t ignore the bad times.

 

13.  If you have a traitor in your organization, don’t work on emotions, work with facts.

 

14.  Keep your cool.  Don’t let anger surface.

 

15.  A wolf in sheep’s clothing is a phony, and will soon be exposed.

 

16.  If the fox is guarding the hen house, let the rooster kick his ass.

 

 

“I guess you had an insightful day, eh ,Wolf?  Have you lost your trust in people?  Have you really changed?”

 

“I will never change, Minnie.  But I will fight to the end for my principles.  And for those who have betrayed my trust, I guess they will learn the same lesson I learned today.”

 

“And that is?”

 

“Beware.”

 

Wolf

 

 

 

 

So you had a bad day….

“Is there a full moon tonight, Minnie?”

 

“No, but there was a full sun today.”

 

“Is there a werewolf at the door, Minnie?”

 

“No, but there is a cat trying to get in to eat supper.”

 

“Was there an earthquake here today, Minnie?”

 

“No, but I did take the trash out, for pickup tomorrow.”

 

“Did a tsunami hit us today, Minnie?”

 

“No, but you forgot your lunch.”

 

“Did the world end today, Minnie?”

 

“No, the sox won the last game.”

 

“As I see it, you had a normal day today.  I, on the other hand, experienced the day in quite a different way.”

 

“Ok. So what? Here we are, in our jammies, munching on pumpkin seeds.  A great source of protein, I must say.  You are hyped up, reflecting on the woes of the working world.  And I, in my night cap, am watching you having a few night caps.  And out on the lawn did suddenly appear a miniature sleigh and 8 tiny reindeer.”

 

“Is it snowing, Minnie?  Are we having a blizzard?  What the hell is going on?”

 

“You had a bad day, Wolf.  But you haven’t heard the worst part….yet.”

“What?”

 

“You ran out of wine.”

 

 

Wolf

Living the dream

“What if you could do anything you wanted to do, what would that be, Wolf?”

 

“I’d turn into a cat and catch that damn mouse that has been running around here.  Puff Daddy caught the little critter last night and played with it.  She flipped the creature in the air and then let it go.  I really think P. Daddy has some issues.  I mean, don’t most cats know they are supposed to commit homicide with mice?”

 

“I am serious, Wolf.  Knock off the cat and mouse act and dig into that damaged brain of yours.  Don’t you have a dream?”

 

“Of course I do.  I have a dream that I will drive around in my uninspected car for another year and the coppers won’t notice me.”

 

“Well, most people dream of the day they can retire and live the good life.”

 

“I have no intention of retiring, Minnie.  That is, unless you get a job.  Can you imagine the two of us, hanging around here, retired?  You would pester the hell out of me to go to the dollar store and bingo. No thanks.  I prefer my usual routine. Besides, happy hour would never be the same if I wasn’t there at 515PM, every day.”

 

“If I took a poll of the American workers, there is not one who would agree with you.  They work to retire.”

 

“Hey, settle down, you idiot.  You say tomato, I say malbec.”

 

“Well, if I could do anything I wanted to do, I would travel.”

 

“Then why don’t you?”

 

“I can’t afford it.”

 

“Then get a paper route, Minnie.  Why the hell did you retire if you don’t have enough money?”

 

“I got old.”

 

“You quit?”

 

“Not exactly.  The place where I worked said that after age 60, pole dancers are no longer attractive.”

 

“You could have changed your career.  Why don’t you join the circus or something useful?”

 

“Shut up Wolf.  I can dream, can’t I?”

 

“Look, Minnie.  I will give you 20 bucks, if you catch that mouse tonight.  How’s that?”

 

“I’m afraid of that mouse.  Besides, where can I go on 40 dollars?”

 

“40?  Excuse me, I said 20.”

 

“Hey, you cheapo, it’s worth it, right, to live your dream?”

 

 

Wolf

“I see London, I see France, I see Wolfie’s underpants.”

 

“Shut up Minnie.  You have the heat up so high, I am roasting.”

 

“Hey, listen!  It’s getting cold out there.”

 

“What?  50 degrees?  You think that’s cold?  Wait til January.  50 degrees would be a heat wave.”

 

“Yeah, well, are we ever happy?  It’s too hot, it’s too cold.  It’s too rainy.  Oh no! Snow tomorrow.”

 

“Human nature, Minnie.  Bitching about the weather is an acquired habit.  Don’t you remember your child hood?  Did you ever really care what the weather was like?”

 

“I will have you know, I walked to school in sub zero weather.  2 miles, with no shoes.”

 

“Hey, you made it, right?  And so what?  Now you can stay at home and vegetate all day, while some of us working old bags continue to suck it up, face the wind, and brace ourselves for the onslaught of Mother Nature.  You don’t know what’s its like to be stuck in a blizzard with no clean socks and a gas tank on empty.”

 

“Don’t get philosophical with me, Wolf.  I happen to know you have a case of wine in your car, and you secretly hope you are stuck somewhere, so you have an excuse to whine.  Or is it wine?’

 

“I was a brownie in my youth, you idiot.  We junior bluebirds are always prepared.  As I have aged, I remember that brownie philosophy and keep a stash of special brownies and wine in my car.  Lessons learned in youth are the most valued lessons of all.”

 

“So why no clean socks?”

 

“Priorities, Minnie.  Priorities.  I could wear the same socks for a week, and never blink.  We troopers and martyrs are not above wearing socks for an extended period of time, when the going gets tough.”

 

“How in the world did you ever make it this far in life?  You have the most atrocious sense of importance.  Don’t you want to be stay and secure, instead of putting your life in danger, eating brownies and drinking wine in a blizzard, with dirty socks?”

 

“”Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these courageous couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds, regardless of the state of their socks.”

 

“Can you at least put on a robe?  How long have you been wearing those undies?”

 

Wolf

Walking around, having a few drinks and acting like a goof

“How was it, going back to work after your vacation, Wolf?”

 

“You know what, Minnie?  That is the most asinine question you have ever asked.  How do you think it was?”

 

“Were you busy?”

 

“Another obnoxious question.”

 

“Were you missed?”

 

“Hell, no.  It was the same as always.  Everyone was back at it, slogging it through til the weekend. Vacations are over rated.  We all take them, and after one hour back at the job, it is just a memory.”

 

“Life is nothing but memories, Wolf.”

 

“Naw.  LIfe is now.  LIfe is living every moment.  Memories are ok, to reminisce, or to share when you are old, but today was just as real and exciting as any vacation. You can’t dwell on yesterday. But I will say, that vacations can be refreshing, and a welcome change from the norm.  However, that is the exception.  Enjoying the day to day routine is what it is all about.”

 

“You can’t tell me you don’t live for the weekends.”

 

“Yeah, I pretend I do.  But if that is what I live for, then I have wasted 5 out of 7 days a week.  Do you really think I hate Mondays?  Do you think I am a miserable mess, dragging myself into the work place every week day?”

 

“I don’t get it.”

 

“Let me put it this way.  Today, one of the warehouse workers asked me what I did on my vacation.  I said, well, I walked around, had a few drinks, and acted like a goof.  He said, “Huh?  You do that every day.”

 

“I still don’t get it.”

 

“Of course you don’t.  You see, Minnie, in my experience, life is meant to be enjoyed every day.  Sure, I love a vacation, but I also love my day to day life.”

 

“I really don’t get it.”

 

“It’s ok, Minnie.  I do.”

 

 

Wolf

Observations on NYC

My observations on NYC:

There are no supermarkets.  Where do people get their groceries?
People are just as friendly in NY as they are anywhere else.

If you don’t like to walk, don’t go there, especially if you are wearing high heels.

You have 16 seconds to walk through an intersection.  If you don’t make it, expect to be run over.

There is a starbucks on every block.

People watching is a hoot.

The bars are open til 4am, but if you are an early riser, you can’t buy a bloody mary until noon.

Tour bus guides are insane.

Black and grey seem to be the norm, in clothing, with an occasional wild animal print.

The 911 memorial is an emotional experience.

The city is in continuous motion.

Don’t expect to meet New Yorkers on the weekend.  Everyone you meet is a tourist.

Business men seem to like brown shoes, even when they are wearing grey suits.

Outrageous behavior is not the norm.

In spite of the chaos, the city is a safe place.

The store fronts are immaculate.

The businesses that make it provide excellent service, and pay attention to details.

A visit to NY is exhilarating and clears the mind of the cobwebs.

Walking a dog is a great way to strike up a conversation.

The choices in dining are unlimited.

It’s fun, even if you are an old goat.

Wolf

 

I have never met a stranger I didn’t like

“Hey, you have a phone call.”

 

“From who?”

 

“Betty.  She said she met you at the grocery store today.”

 

“Oh yeah?  What’s she want?

 

“She wants to talk to you about her grandchildren.”

 

“Oh that Betty. Get rid of her, Minnie.  I have nothing further to say.”

 

“She said she wants to discuss grocery prices with you. She is concerned that her grand kids will not be able to afford groceries, at the rate they are going up.”

 

“Tell her not to worry.  I will make sure the prices go down.”

 

“What the hell?  Just who does she think you are, that you can control grocery prices?”

 

“Never mind.  Put her through to my cell….. Hello, Betty?  Yeah, Hi, it’s me the Wolf.  So nice to meet you today,  Your grandkids…. you have 5 of them, right?  And I saw you buying cereal for them, right?  Good girl. It’s on sale. Get a few dozen cases.  Freeze them.  And when the kids get old, they can always check the freezer and find the frozen cereal.  Case closed.  What?  They don’t like generic cereal?  You know Betty, that is what is wrong with this world.  Kids have to have the brand name stuff.  What?  You saw me in the wine store?  I did what?  I refused to buy the merlot that was on sale?   Yes, that I did.  I don’t like Merlot.  I would rather eat frozen cereal.  Yes, Betty, I do indulge occasionally.  What? You don’t talk to winos?  Hey, Betty, stuff it,  And by the way, what were you doing in the wine store?”

 

“Wolf, I think she hung up.”

 

“Remind me, Minnie.  Never talk to strangers.  Most of them are insatiable lushes, with an agenda.””

 

“Then why do you talk to strangers?  You seem to thrive on it.”

 

“Yeah.  Just get the cereal ready, ok, Minnie?”

“Huh?”

“My friend Betty and the kiddies are coming over for supper tonight.”

 

Wolf

3 days of the condor, oops, cougars….

“Well, are you ready for your trip?”

“Not yet.  Hell, Minnie.  I don’t leave til Sunday.”

“Do you have an agenda for your 3 days in the big apple?”

“MCat and I have decided to wing it.  We are spontaneous.  We go with the flow.  We will live in the moment.  We want to take on the city and make our mark.”

“I think you should pack some clean undies.”

“Yeah, ok, Minnie.  Clean undies.  How very insightful.”

“Are you packing some evening clothes?”

“Yup.   Our old prom gowns.  We will probably wear them to McGee’s.  Sunday football.  We plan to start at the top floor and make our way down to the bottom.  3 floors of sports and prom gowns.  And after that, we may stop at Jimmy’s corner and dance on the bar.”

“You mean you are going to NYC to watch football in your gowns?  Why not just stay in Pennsylvania?  I mean, what kind of ridiculous trip is this going to be?”

“I really hope it is the most ridiculous trip ever.  I am ready for ridiculous.”

“I guess you two need a time out.  After all, you are old, wrinkled, and outrageous.  And way too wild for your age, I might add.   This trip may do you both in.”

“Don’t count on it.  We may like it so much, we may never come back.”

“Are you going to Rockefeller plaza?  I hear the skating rink is open.”

“We might, if they serve drinks.”

“Well, I guess I will have to wait until you get back to find out what you really did.”

“Don’t count on it, Minnie.  What happens in NY, stays in NY.”

Wolf

Tea time

“Woe is me.  Oh my!  The tigers and bears and goblins!  Satan was at it today, Minnie!”

 

“Now what?”

 

“Frenzy.  Stupid shit.  Missed deadlines.  Trust.  Broken bones and relationships.  The monkey was on my back.  Then there was my oil change.”

 

“You finally got an oil change?”

 

“Yeah.  $562 oil change.  In retrospect, I should have traded in my old buggy and my job for a case of wine.”

 

“Did you get the oil change?  You really could stand a good enema.”

 

“Yeah, well, I got a new asshole today, handed to me by my customers. Same, same.”

 

“And here you thought you were beyond reproach.  That if you did everything right, within your control and so called power, that you would be untouchable.  You have been living the dream, right Wolf? Well, welcome to the nightmare of the living dead.”

 

“It’s the walking dead, Minnie.  By the way, do you have any arsenic in your pantry?”

 

“Nope.  Just hemlock and green tea.”

 

“I learned my lesson today, Minnie.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Never eat a doughnut for breakfast, then skip lunch.  Do not go in for an oil change and think you will only get an oil change.  Don’t promise anything to your customers, when you have limited control.  Do not eat yogurt past the expiration date.  Eat crow.  It’s much more difficult to recover from a series of bloopers than you could ever imagine.  Keep the communications open and if that doesn’t work, find the nearest bar.  Never quit, when things go wrong.  You are bound to get fired, anyway.”

 

“Well, it sounds like you had a hellacious day.”

 

“I like that, Minnie.  Hellacious.  Yeah, satanistic, deranged, derailed and devastating.  I hate it when I try so hard and things fail.”

 

“Do you think you have lost your credibility?

 

“Yes, but at least I have one thing left in tact.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“My virginity.”

 

“Here, Wolf.  A nice cup of tea for you, laced with hemlock.”

 

 

Wolf