Hatched

“Well, Minnie, have you ever had your driver’s side door frozen?  And you had to enter and exit from the passenger side, with your  fat ass throwing the gear shift in reverse?  And sliding down the driveway in a snow squall?  If not, you have not experienced the joy of winter driving.”

 

“Did anyone see you?”

 

“Yes.  I got to work late.  The damn frozen ice ball of a car would not thaw out, so I was running late.  So was everyone else. And they all saw my gyrations, in the parking lot. I think that was the key moment when they all realized I was out of control, a granny gone wild.  There was a line the length of a football field in front of the HR office.  They all had the same complaint:  There is a loose canon in our midst.  Can you please put a cap on retirement?”

 

“I assume you were terminated?”

 

“I waited all morning  for the bomb to drop. By noon, nothing had transpired, so I ate a sticky bun, heated, of course, with butter, and thought I better get my last case of beer before the falling of the axe.  I took off squealing my tires at 10 mph, and stopped at the beer store.  There were 3 cops there, the K 9 division, with a German Shepherd dog.  I knew immediately, that the dog had my scent.  So I ordered a BLT  at the nearby deli and the dog and I shared my sandwich.  Dogs love bacon.”

 

“Yeah, ok, so then what?”

 

“The cops were indisposed, eating doughnuts, so the dog and I took off squealing our tires, at 15 mph and we led a slow chase back to the office.  I felt like a celebrity, just like OJ.”

 

“And?”

 

“The dog and I exited the car from the passenger side, hitting the gear shift, into reverse, and bacon went flying everywhere. Rin and I went into the office to warm up, chomping on BLTs.”

 

“The bottom line:  Did you get fired?”

 

“The line in front of the HR office immediately fled when they saw Rin Tin Tin, foaming at the mouth.  They thought he was rabid, but it was only the mayo from the BLT.  Anyway, the cops came in, and took Rinty into custody.  I meandered back to my desk and ate another sticky bun, heated, with butter.  By then, it was snowing again.  I waited til 5pm and went out to the car. Damn door was still frozen. I tried the passenger door. That was frozen too.  So I had to open the hatch back and crawl my way to the front. By then, the snow had piled up and I was locked into the car, with the only exit in the rear.  It was then that I decided to take another one of my lunatic pills.”

 

“What the hell?”

 

“Yeah, I got as far as the pub and crawled back to the hatch back in a semi coma, and popped out like the Pillsbury dough boy.  After a few glasses of hootch, I opened the hatch, crawled back in, drove home and hatched back out.  And here I am.”

 

“I don’t believe a word of this.  It sounds way too contrived.”

 

“It’s all true, except for the lunatic pill.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yeah, I took 2, when I got home.  The hatch back is frozen.”

 

 

Wolf