Quack quack

“I was walking out to my car  yesterday and saw an enormous goose feather.  I picked it up to admire it and threw it in the car.  Today, when I went grocery shopping, I sat on it and it stuck to the hind end of my jeans.”

 

“You walked around the store with a feather in your keester?”

 

“Yeah.  Then I went to the pharmacy, the liquor store, the beer distributor, the gas station and the deli, and guess what was still there?”

 

“How did you know it was still there?”

 

“Everywhere I went, people were laughing, pointing at me and saying, “Quack Quack.”

 

“Didn’t that make you wonder?”

 

“No.  I am used to people who make animal noises.  I work in the back room.  Anyway, I thought it was cute, so I said, “Oink Oink.”

 

“Aren’t you embarrassed?  Running around town with a feather in your ass?”

 

“Heck no.  I got so much attention, and so many smiles, I am saving that feather to wear to work on Monday.”

 

“Oh for crazy!”

 

“Listen, Minnie.  That feather is a treasure.  If it makes people laugh, and get a little comic relief, why not?”

 

“You can’t be serious.  You aren’t going to wear that goose feather to work, are you?”

 

“Heck no, not me.  I am putting some glue on it and when MCat walks by……”

 

“You wouldn’t!”

 

“Yes I would.  You know she says that when she yells at me, it does no good.  I just laugh at her. Wait til Monday when everyone laughs when she yells.”

 

“Are you kidding?  MCat will be furious when she finds out.”

 

“Hell, I will blame it on Pat.”

 

“Why do you pick on Pat?  She is such a sweet person.”

 

“No, she isn’t, Minnie.  Before she left on Friday, she shook her booty at me.  And guess what?”

 

“What?”

 

“There was a goose feather in her booty.  I wonder how it got there.”

 

 

Wolf

 

 

 

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Comments on a Friday

“Care to comment on your day, Wolf?”

 

“My day?  I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary.  It was what others did that made the day.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yup.  How many people have a boss who cares too much?  Oh she acts like she is a tough cookie, and all that jazz, and she can be intimidating, at times.  However, when it comes down to her people, you could not find a more caring, supportive person.  She offers opportunities and has high expectations.   She is a role model, works her ass off, and still finds time to laugh with us.  Even though she had to be off site today, she knew one of us needed special attention and tender loving care.  All she had to do was mention it, and we rose to the challenge.  Have a great vacation, Tara.  You deserve it.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.  And then there was this impossible job.  Several hundred books needed by Monday morning.  Could it be done?  It would be difficult.  We were overloaded with work, other customers who also had deadlines.  The sales people cried for help. Please?  Can you?  Is it possible?  This is so very important to our customer.  I had my doubts, and so did the production crew.  But they rose to the challenge, and in the late afternoon, I walked into the print center, and saw Tim, the lead, working at the machine to complete the job.  The books shipped out tonight, 25 cartons of them.  The customer was delighted, and I was in awe of what had been accomplished.  I love it, working for a company that can rise to the challenge and do the impossible.”

 

“What role did you play?”

 

“Cheerleading, Minnie.”

 

“What else?”

 

“You might remember, that Candy recently moved into the back room.  Well, most people would probably not feel comfortable around that group of degenerates, and  Candy is definitely a different breed.  She is the ultimate Pollyanna, the person least likely to be corrupted.  She is as innocent as a kitten, focuses on her work and not one bit like those goofs who work back there.”

 

“She must feel awful, leaving the sane area of the facility, to move in with you idiots.”

 

“Hey, listen. Her husband asked her how she felt about the move. And to his surprise, she told him she loved it.”

 

“What the hell?”

 

“Yup. Another one bites the dust, Minnie.  I love it when we corrupt the innocent.  A week with us, and Candy is enjoying the entertainment and disruption.  Geez, I am so happy she moved back there.  I can’t wait til she tells Pat to shut the hell up.”

 

“Anything else?”

 

“Oh, I could tell you more, but, as you know, I work late every night, and I am feeling a tad bit woozy.”

 

“From working?”

 

“Yes, Minnie, from working.  After 3 beers, I can barely raise my hand.”

“Wolf, you are incorrigible.”

 

“Thanks, Minnie.  Can you get me another beer?  Oh, and a straw?”

 

 

Wolf

 

 

A frolicking butt.

“Exciting day today, Wolf?”

 

“Actually, yes.  Every day is exciting, Minnie, if you live in my world.  It was a day of frolic and fun.”

 

“Too much frolicking is not good, at your age.”

 

“Quiet down, girl.  My life is nothing but frolicking and horsing around.   I live for frolic.”

 

“No stress?”

 

“Not for me. No drama. No stress.  Just a fabulous day.  It started off with Oscar.  Crabby Appleton. Then Francis walked in with that wild curly hair do. Geez she is cute.  Sophia ordered breakfast, and Liz gave me her bagel.  Lou and I ate ice cream cones, and Pat ordered lunch from the deli.  MCat was on cloud 9.  She booked a room at the casino for us in July.  I heard Kelly singing, and I stabbed Tara with a pen.  I met Lisa’s Mom, Millie. What a terrific person.  And then there was the work load. It was heavy, but hey, it ain’t heavy, it’s my brother.  We cancelled our Cougar’s night out, so Pat could baby sit, E could paint, and Barb could go home and meet Lou in his dumpster.  Snow came in with lavender hair, and Carl reminded me when it was 42o.  Candy told me she loves the back room, and the Beav’s bun looked terrific.”

 

“The Beav’s   bun”

 

“Yeah, she had a stick up her bun.”

 

“Oh for crazy!”

 

“Mark is back, Pat needed meat, and Kat gave me the finger.  What a great day!”

 

“I heard you finally cleaned up your work space and had your roomies buzzing.  Are you planning to leave, Wolf?  Bite the dust?  Retire?”

 

“I do that every so often, Minnie, to torment my cubies.  It makes them appreciate me and to keep them guessing.  I thrive on intrigue and mystery.”

 

“You know, Wolf, the world doesn’t revolve around you.  Get a grip.”

 

“Hey, all of us idiots think the world revolves around us.  And you know what?”

 

“What?”

 

“Chicken Butt.”

 

 

Wolf

 

Hey, Mandy, do you have my snow shoe?

“Goodbye stranger, it’s been nice. Hope you find your paradise.”

 

“I take it Mandy is on her way home, Wolf, to paradise.”

 

“You know, Minnie.  I hate to say it, but whenever Mandy visits. the weather sucks.  The last time she was here, we had a blizzard, tonight, a wild T storm.  And I can recall one night, in the dead of winter, when I ran into her.  It was a snowy night, and I had to hoof it back to the hotel, with a missing snow shoe.  And all she wants to do is dance and laugh.  I love her sauciness.”

 

“She must have some awesome sauce.”

 

“She has a way about her, Minnie.  A contagious silliness that defies reason.  I remember the first time I met her.  She was a brash, cocky little devil who couldn’t stand boredom.  She was not afraid to take on the world, and she was way too organized.  We worked on the same account for a short time, and it was the best of times and the worst of times. Best for me. Worst for her.  She quickly moved on and left me biting the dust.  When I saw her today, I couldn’t help but smile.  What a nut case.”

 

“You have worked with some amazing people, Wolf. Those memories are priceless.  But don’t you wonder what those who have left think about you?”

 

“I hope they never tell me Minnie.  I don’t ask, they don’t tell.  I prefer to have my own theory.  I enjoyed them every day, and celebrated their successes. But now, I have other fish to fry.”

 

“What other fish?”

 

“We have new people, Minnie,  who are showing signs of awesomeness.  And I have great expectations for them.”

 

“And just what role do you play in their success?”

 

“I toast to them every night.  Cheers!”

 

 

Wolf

A marked woman

“Well, Minnie.  I need to call the cops.  The Beav said she was gonna kill me.”

 

“Oh? What did you do to incite the Beav?”

 

“I merely crashed her meeting, with the picker, Scott.  He was wild and said her  stock was contaminated. I had no choice, Minnie.  I paraded into the meeting and let Scott talk to her, while I met the other people who were in the meeting. I hate it when there are people in the facility that I have not met.”

 

“Oh for stupid.”

 

“And then MCat said she was gonna kill me.”

 

“Yikes. What did you do to MCat?”

 

“I talked to one of the pressmen.  One never talks to a pressman. Unless, of course, MCat doesn’t know it.”

 

“Oh please.”

 

“Oscar said she was gonna kill me.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Who knows, Minnie?  She is a psychopath.”

 

“3 people are gonna kill you?”

 

“No, make that 4.  Kat said she was gonna kill me, for ripping the bandage from her third finger.”

 

“Why did you do that?”

 

“I had an irrepressible urge to see a gored finger.”

 

“Please.”

 

“Then Art said he was gonna kill me.”

 

“Now what?”

 

“He had an interview today, with Dee.  Before the interview, I introduced myself and we became bffs.  Art apologized to Dee and told her that the first rule of employment is to, at all costs, to avoid talking to me.”

 

“Who the hell is Dee?”

 

“I have no idea.  But she is such a nice person.”

 

“Is that it?  5 people after your ass?”

 

“No, make that 6..  Mandy is gonna kill me.”

 

“I thought Mandy moved to Florida.”

 

“She came back, Minnie.  She can’t resist coming back to her roots. But I didn’t have any M&Ms peanuts, and she was pissed.”

 

“Well, who do you think will be the one to finally do you in?”

 

“It’s a toss up, Minnie, but I think it could be Barb, Erica, Jacy or Candy.  Oh yeah, and Shannon, Rachel, Scotty, Fatima, Kelly, Annie, Jas, Tara, Lou, Ozzie, Awilda, Francis, Sophia, Pat, Linda, Liz, Sandy, Karen, Karissa, or Carl.”

 

“You are a marked woman, Wolf.  How did you manage to enrage all these people?”

 

“I wish I knew, Minnie.  It’s a mystery.  I am a quiet, introverted professional associate.  But I do have one weakness and I am not proud of it.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“I ate all the M&Ms.”

 

Wolf

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beav has rabies

“The weekend was wild, Minnie.  The wounded warriors returned to work.”

 

“Oh?  Who got wounded?”

 

“Kat had her middle finger bandaged.  She said the only way to relieve the pain was to elevate that third finger.  Chirp. Chirp.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“Nothing, really, Minnie. Kat has been dying to give us all the bird.”

 

“Who else was wounded?”

 

“Well, Jacy, Beaver, MCat and I all came in with the same malady:  Ears, Minnie. Our ears are shot.  And talk about grouchy.  At one point, the Beav had to approach MCat, with some unsettling news.  I could see she needed support, so I accompanied the Beaver while she delivered the bad news.  MCat’s system had to be rebooted.”

 

“How did that go?”

 

“MCat went wild, and beat up the Beav. Being the supportive type, I could see that the Beav was in a lose/lose situation, so I helped MCat beat the %@@5@#5@5 out of the Beav.”

 

“And you call that supportive?”

 

“Sure.  I hedge my bets, Minnie.”

 

“Didn’t Carl or Erica or Oscar or  Candy come to the rescue?”

 

“Hell no.  Don’t talk to me about those 4 goofs.  Carl had the nerve to get promoted, so he enjoyed the brutality.  Erica and Candy loved the drama, and of course, Pat, took the sword.  Damn martyr.  And all of us made several visits to Jacy’s desk, to examine her extensive ear pain relieving meds.”

 

“How is your ear tonight, Wolf?”

 

“Being the artistic person I am, I cut it off, taking my cue from Salvatore Dali.  Or is it Salvador?  Oh well..  And guess what?  Now I can paint!

 

“Did Beav need medical attention?”

 

“Yes.  As a beaver, we called the vet, and he said she had rabies.  She has to drink at least 3 bottles of wine every night and take on all of Carl’s accounts.”

 

“Oh for crazy!”

 

“Yeah.  It’s a brutal world out there, Minnie.  But I am optimistic about my ear.”

 

“How’s that?”

 

“I got the name of Beav’s  doc. I went to see him tonight.  4 bottles of wine, Minnie. And my ear problems will be the least of my worries.”

 

 

Wolf

Regrets?

“I think my life is coming apart at the seams, Minnie.”

 

“Now what?”

“My doctor retired.  My insurance agent sold the business.  I have an ear infection.  There’s a mouse in the house, and those damn cats just chase it and play with it.  I’m an addict.”

 

“Hold it.  Addict?  Addicted to what?”

 

“To love, among other things.”

 

“Oh for crazy!”

 

“I used to be addicted to wine, but I have switched to beer for the summer.  I can’t believe how bloated I am.  And that constant burping is driving me wild.”

 

“Blue moon?”

 

“No, but I did wake up this morning, with a blue moon in my eye, thinking about the Sopranos.  And then I read an article that the pope has excommunicated the mafia from the church.  If I was a member of the mafia, and I showed up at church, I guess the pope would be there, beating me off with his stick.”

 

“That’s his holy stick, you idiot.  He is old.  He uses it for a cane.”

 

“That’s another concern of mine, Minnie.  Why do they pick old popes?”

 

“That way none of the popes can rule for long.  The church likes to have those pope parties, smoke weed, and when they finally decide, they blow smoke.”

 

“I resent that comment, Minnie.  Did you know I was once considering becoming a nun?”

 

“What happened?”

 

“I don’t know.  Life, I guess.  Besides, I never did look good in black.”

 

“So you took the path of least resistance, became an addicted moron, and have cats who can’t catch a mouse.   If you had to do it all over again, would you change anything?”

 

“I only have one regret, Minnie.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“I didn’t move to Colorado or to the Vatican.”

 

 

Wolf

The last chapter

“Are you reading again, Wolf?  What is it about a book that saps the energy right out of you?  You eat with it, bring it to bed with you, and you won’t give up  until you have finished the last chapter.  What could possibly be so interesting in those books you read?”

 

“If you don’t know, Minnie, nothing I will say will have any meaning to you.”

 

“Is it an escape?  Is that what it is?  You haven’t done the dishes, the laundry nor vacuumed today.  What the hell? I think that you read a book to avoid your duties.”

 

“Duties, eh?  I bought paper plates today.  And paper coffee cups.  If I ever get those damn dishes done,  I will never have to do them again.  The laundry?  Hell, I just might go to a laundramat with a couple of trash bags full of pjs, undies, and towels, and get everything done in an hour.  Why bother to vacuum? As soon as I do, the cats puke and shed their furries over everything.”

 

“Avoidance, Wolf.  You are refusing to deal with life and its responsibilities.  You are wasting your time, reading.  Do you realize that you have so many books in this house, that it bordering on the ridiculous?”

 

‘I can’t get rid of my books, Minnie.  I can throw out just about anything else, but I cannot part with my books.  They are my treasures.”

 

“If you ask me, it is an anti-social activity.  You seem to go into the twilight zone, when you are engrossed in a book.  I don’t understand what the appeal is.  Why don’t you put that book down and watch TV?  There is a great new reality show that you really should watch.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Are you listening to me, Wolf?  I am trying to talk to you.”

 

“You know, whenever I am reading, it seems that you will not leave me the hell alone.  Beat it, Minnie.  Scram.  Vamoose.  Get lost.”

 

“Yeah.  Ok. Sure.  I get it.  You won’t talk to me until you have finished that book.”

 

“Not exactly.  I have another one that looks really good.”

 

Wolf

 

 

 

June newsletter to all employees

June Newsletter to all employees:

 

Hello my dear friends, coworkers, comrades, partners and, of course, those of you who are on final warning.  Someone asked me what it took to get to the final warning stage.  I am not at liberty to divulge that information, but I have  few examples that I will share with you.

 

Employee E:  Destroyed company property.  I mean, have you seen her phone cord?  We have tried to simulate the activity that would make a phone cord shrivel up into an unusable ball of curls, and have come up with scientific evidence that it takes at least 29 slams of the phone, every day.  And employee E has also been overheard saying she is quitting.  Promises, promises.  Mother of God.  As Betty Ford would say, “Just do it.”  Or was that Governor Cuomo?  Come on, Gov.  Either legalize it or get off the pot.  No pun intended.

 

Employee P:  She came to our facility, as a semi normal person.  Miss goody two shoes, quiet and reflective.  A real loner.  Many of us didn’t realize she could talk.  However, she has chosen a very shaky path, hanging with the wrong crowd, and getting quite trashy.  She puts on a façade every day, knitting her ass off on her lunch hours, and getting on at least a dozen conference calls every day.  However, we have discovered that she is the only one on those calls,  pretending to hand her account over to a navigator. Hell, employee P is so lost, she can’t even find her way to the nearest bar.  And on top of it, she plays hide the banana on company time.

 

Employee M:  Pretends to be the grand daughter of her deranged cube mate. She is supplying that old bag with cases of wine and homemade potato salad. As you know, we hate old people, and we cannot tolerate those who encourage the elderly to hang around.  It has been observed that employee M has been taking smoke breaks with that goofy old bat.  We are chomping at the bit to catch the bag throwing her butts on the ground.  If she does, employee M will be taken off final warning.

 

Employee C:(male) On final warning, for using a magnifying glass to enhance his private parts.

 

Employee C: (female)  On final warning for moving to the back room. How soon the mighty fall.  She was once the PP princess, the darling of the office, the big kahuna, the person most likely to succeed. We had hoped she would be a positive influence on the degenerates, but she seems to enjoy her new location.  She was overheard saying, “I would rather laugh with the sinners, than cry with the saints.”

 

Employee C:  (Unknown gender)  Violating the human race.  Inciting riots.  Mouthy nonsensical mumbling.  Using candy as bribery. Just today, she called the Wizard of Oz, a “fatty fatty 2 x 4.”  And the finance department has reported her for asking if anyone has an extra wiener.  One more incident of this nature, and she is history.  A general memo has been posted throughout the facility:  If you spot this idiot, wearing an umbrella hat pushing a cart through the warehouse, please call 911 and have her committed.

 

Have a lovely summer, my dear friends, and if you happen to be on final warning, take a hike.  The weather is phenomenal.

 

 

Wolf

Mavericks vs puppets

“Oscar asked me if I had a pet peeve. I had to think about that.  And yes, I do.”

“And?”

 

“It’s the why question, Minnie.  Why did you do that?  Why would you even think about doing that? Why didn’t you do….”

 

“Yeah, everyone is a Monday morning quarterback. I guess to avoid that question, you should take the safe road.  Don’t do anything out of the ordinary.  Don’t make decisions that will come back to haunt you.  CYA.  Get it in writing.  Don’t take the sword.  Blame it on corporate policy.  Escalate.  Save face.  Keep a low profile.  Always follow protocol.”

 

“You forgot one: Live in fear.  Make a mistake, and your ass is grass.”

 

“What do you do to avoid the why question?   Would you rather be safe than sorry?  Does that fulfill your working life?”

 

“Nope.  I believe in following your best judgment, at the time of crisis.  And if I was wrong, then, I was wrong.  And if you ask me why, I will tell you that, at the time, it was my decision.  So up yours.”

 

“Doesn’t that make you vulnerable?”

“Hey, girl, we are all vulnerable.  If you owned a company, and you had a staff of people, working for you, would you prefer a puppet or a maverick?  Wouldn’t you look at the overall picture and choose the person who had the balls to stand on their principles and to take on the world?  Or would you hire those who were good little soldiers, and followed the standard operating procedures?”

 

“It’s important, Wolf, to follow company policy.  You don’t own the company.  You are employed, to do a job.  And if you are asked “why”, you better have an answer.”

 

“I am grateful for my job, Minnie. And I don’t deliberately make mistakes.   I mean, who does?  But if I do screw up, I think it is important to admit it and to move forward.  If that isn’t good enough, well, so be it.  And when I observe others who have been successful, I am the first to acknowledge the success.  There is nothing more solidifying nor exhilarating than celebrating a success, if it is shared with others.  Except, of course, a failure. That too, can be the catalyst for change.  And sometimes, a failure can be more important than success.  It’s what I call an “Aha” moment.”

“Did you have a failure today, Wolf?  Or a success?”

 

” You know what they say, you win a few and you lose a few. But I used my best judgment and decided to give the facility a much needed boost in morale.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“My umbrella hat, Minnie.  I wore it when I walked through the warehouse.  And threw kisses to everyone.”

 

“Why, Wolf, why?”

 

 

Wolf