The woman who loves beans

“Hey, Wolf, do people ever tell you stuff you really don’t want to know about?”

 

“Hell, yes.  All the time.  Looking back on the past week….

 

1.  I passed my pee test.

 

2. I have a boil on my stomach.

 

3.  Hey, what’s with the ice cream in the food pantry?  Are we having a party?  Am I invited?  Do you have any hot fudge?  I am so hungry for ice cream.  Did I mention that I am lactose intolerant?  And ice cream really does a number on my gastrointestinal system?

 

4.  I need to find a new job. This one is killing me. I haven’t been to work in 4 months. My doctor is a quack. He says I have to go back.

 

5.  I have no money.  I might have to find a pimp.

 

6.  I have to confess: I went on a cleaning frenzy, wiped the TV, and the damn screen broke. After the roof, the air conditioning and the crumbling side walk, I can never retire.

 

7. It’s so embarrassing.  I pooped myself.

 

8.  You should see what my cat does when she is in heat.

 

9.  My leg is blown up.  Want to see it?

 

10.  Hey you.  Yeah, you.  Got a minute? I need to vent. Can we do that when you give me a ride home? By the way, what’s your name?

 

“And how do you respond, Wolf?”

 

“Respond?  It’s more like endure.  And then at 5pm, I head for the nearest watering hole.”

 

“You must encourage people to spill the beans.”

 

“I’ve been thinking about that Minnie. And I think I know the answer.”

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“I thrive on spilled beans.”

 

 

Wolf

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh so different, yet, the same.

Six cubicles.

 

One empty.

 

Five very different people.

 

If they had met in another world, would it be the same?

 

Hardly soul mates, but then what is a soul mate, when you have cube mates?

 

If you have worked in a similar work place, aren’t there always one or two others that drive you nuts?

 

Consider this:

 

A frantic, deranged phone slammer, who has a penchant for control, and never loses an argument.  She mixes wild tantrums with infectious laughter.  She loves to schmooze with everyone, but never fails to give her opinion.  She manages her account with ease and success, an account she loves to hate.  She provides an unending entertainment and high energy to her team of cubies. 

 

In the cube behind her:  The ultimate martyr, the pitiful victim, who comes in early, stays late, and gets silent when stressed.  After she sheds her tears, her mood suddenly changes. She stands up, shakes her booty and acts like a goof.  She hogs the printer and never misses a deadline.  She gives 100%, but makes sure we all know it.  Who are these strange people who sit around her?  How dare they laugh and enjoy their work life?  And then, the expletives fly.  Miss goody two shoes?  Hardly.

 

In the next cubicle sits the princess.  The young “thang”, who is way too intelligent who learned everything in about 2 weeks, and can handle whatever is thrown at her.  She came into this odd mixture of cube mates with an sterling reputation. Always a professional, always the star.  No negativity would ever cross the lips of this admirable worker.  Oh yeah?  A few months have passed, and the super star is a silly rabbit, who finally opened up, admitted her frustrations, and laughs hysterically, in her new crazed environment.

 

Moving on, in cubicle number 4 is the woman who demands her space, her freedom, her priorities. She takes charge and gets things done.  I need this.  I need that.   A born leader, who gets what she wants when she wants it.  She loves to learn, to direct, and to get things done, her way.  If you interrupt her train of thought, or her lunch hour, expect to be told to buzz off.  However, delve a little deeper and you will see a soft hearted cupcake,  a party animal, a socially active woman, with a deep love for her friends, pets and coworkers.

 

In the 5th cube is the oldest living working ( well semi working) individual, who has had the same account for 10 years, and still finds it challenging.  She is either an idiot, or crazy.  And most people don’t even bother to decide which it is.  It’s been said she loves everyone.  How can that be?  But she does. Her favorite part of the day is to interact with others.  She can’t help being obnoxious, stirring up nonsense and laughter.  She can be a real pain in the ass, but doesn’t care.  She is not afraid to take on the difficult customers, as she takes their problems seriously, but never takes herself seriously.

 

An unlikely mix of people, unique, and diverse.  But somehow, they click, and contribute their uniqueness every day, to make working a joy.

 

 

Wolf

On a Thursday…

Observations on a Thursday:

 

A cold front brought refreshing, delightful weather to the area.  What a great treat.

 

Eating garlic knots for lunch is not for the meek.

 

Bob celebrated 20 years of service today, by treating all of us to bagels and coffee.  Congratulations, Bob. And thank you.

 

I attended a safety meeting today.  I was surprised and pleased with the focus of the group.  And of course, I just had to volunteer my cube mate Pat, for a variety of safety projects. Now Pat hates me.  Shut up, Pat.

 

Bebe, the beloved hairless cat, is alive, but has a very short life span.  It seems that those who bring us joy and happiness are special, but are often called to another life, long before we are ready to say goodbye.

 

It’s been said, orange is the new black.  I say, Candis is the new Erica.

 

My new meds are not working. I am wilder than ever.

 

Our HR manager has been off site all week.  He came back today. Why did I have to tell him his hair looked like a plucked chicken? 

 

Barb is happy.  Her pink and purple “do” is now a muted shade of mauve.  She looks fabulous.

 

Pat, the queen bee (not the shut up Pat), has included me in her quest for a sugar daddy.  If she finds one, she will insist, I am part of the deal. 

 

There is a special person in Lisa’s crew:  Lucy.  What a riot she is.  If you enjoyed the old “I love Lucy”, you should meet this Lucy.  What a trip.

 

People made the difference today, as always.  Such a great group of people to work with.  I am so very blessed.

 

 

Wolf

 

 

Bibi

Once upon a time, 7 years ago, a tiny hairless cat arrived, to live with the Beaver.

 

Never was there a more loving, affectionate cat in the history of the cat world.

 

The cat had a most unusual name: Bibi, but he was more unusual than his name.

 

From the first meeting, it was love at first sight. 

 

Beav was in turmoil, and somehow, Bibi knew it. 

 

He gave her unconditional love.

 

A healing kind of love.

 

 A love that opened up a new life of hope and happiness for both of them.

 

He saw her through the worst of times and the best of times and stayed by her side, until she found her true love.

 

Bibi’s health declined, over the years, until a crisis left him near death.

 

The Beav said her goodbyes this morning:  I love you Bibi.  Thank you for the joy you brought to my life.

 

Bibi could no longer breathe.

 

It was all but over.

 

And the Beav wept for the loss of her best friend.

 

Now it is evening.

 

The Vet called.

 

Bibi was still alive.

 

His breathing had improved.

 

He had faced death, but was not defeated.

 

A hairless cat, 7 years old, who just could not leave the Beav.

 

Not yet.

 

Not now.

 

The will to live and to be together again defied the odds.

 

If only he could live forever.

 

None of us do.

 

But all of us can learn from Bibi.

 

Give your love unconditionally.

 

Love each other every day.

 

And when the final goodbye comes, weep for your loss.

 

And always remember Bibi.

 

The cat who faced death, to live another day.

 

 

Wolf

There’s no place like home.

Living in the country:

 

Things I like:

 

Taking out the garbage at 7am in pajamas and nobody sees my ridiculous ass.

 

Birds substitute for alarm clocks.

 

The nearest neighbor is half a mile away.

 

Entertainment is sitting on the deck and watching the wild life frolicking in the yard.

 

Pets have freedom to explore the outdoors.

 

Wild flowers spring up in the most unusual places.

 

The changing of the seasons is magnified:  The silence of the snow, the chirping of the crickets, the falling leaves of autumn, and the first robin.

 

What I don’t like about living in the country:

 

The last place to be plowed.

 

The first place to lose power in a storm.

 

The long trek to a grocery store.

 

Those damn birds when you want to sleep in.

 

Well water.

 

No deliveries from the restaurants.

 

No kids on Halloween.

 

Getting stuck in the driveway when it snows.

 

The main thing is what I love to hate:  Complacency. Leaving the peace and tranquility to join the rest of the world. 

 

Is it worth it?

 

It’s not for everyone.

 

It can be challenging and sometimes, downright difficult.

 

But after a long day, there is no place like home, in the country.

 

 

Wolf

 

 

I love a fat doctor

“I see you are finally back from your doctor appointment.  What took so long?”

 

“Let’s just say that I prefer my old doc.  I was in and out of his office in 20 minutes flat.”

 

“So why so long?”

 

“Well, first of all, I had to fill out papers.  Then I waited, for an hour when the computer network went down.  And some lovely old bags were in the waiting room with their stories.  I got some pretty nice recipes for turkey loaf, and heard all about how no one was going to agree to a colonoscopy.  One elderly lady was told she had a STD and she scheduled an appointment to find out how in the hell that happened.”

 

“How did you like your new doctor?”

 

“I did.  I can eat all I want and she better not say a word.  She is one chubby lady.  But before I got to see her, a nurse came in, and asked me all kinds of questions.  That same question came up:  Do you ever have feelings of hopelessness and want to hurt yourself?”

 

“Don’t tell me you said yes.”

 

“I did.  And she raised her eyebrows, was ready to call in the white coats, and send me to the pysch ward. At least if I had gone there, I would have been home hours ago.

“Did you get a flu shot?”

 

“No, but I got a tetanus shot. Thank goodness.  I didn’t want to tell her, but I have been rabid for years.”

 

“Oh for crazy.”

 

“She gave me a new med, to calm my ruffled feathers, and told me to come back in 2 weeks.  Now I have to go back some time soon, for a blood test.  Geez, when they see the results, I am toast. I have 10% blood and 90% wine.  She had the audacity to ask me about my wine drinking and  she said: “No more than one glass a night.”

 

“Did you admit you have a problem?”

 

“No, I told her life is all about living, loving and laughing.  And I occasionally have a penchant for the grapes of wrath.”

 

“Are you satisfied with this new doctor?”

 

“Let’s just say that the experience for this old goat was quite stressful.  I had to stop at 3 in the afternoon for some fortification to calm my jangled nerves.”

 

“So, all in all, you liked the new clinic?’

 

“I love it, Minnie.  I hope every appointment is filled with adventure and stress.”

 

“What the hell?”

 

“Then I can self medicate on the way home.”

 

Wolf

Not another rant

“I can’t figure out some things about life, Minnie.”

 

“I feel a rant coming on.”

 

“I bought some new sweaters today.  Why?  I have a closet full of stuff I never wear.  When I think about it, I can only wear one sweater at a time.  When do we have too many clothes?”

 

“Donate, Wolf.  Give it away.  And then buy new clothes.”

 

“Moving right along, When I go grocery shopping, I pick up a circular.  Oh!  Buy one, get two free.  This week it was English muffins.  Hell, Minnie. What am I going to do with 3 packs of English muffins?”

 

“Feed them to the birds?”

 

“I looked at new cars this weekend.  The one I want is $35,000.  If I wait another year, and buy it used, it will probably be $20,000. Is a new car really worth the price?”

 

“Get one of those on the bargain lot.  $5000 tops.  And no more than 150,000 miles.”

 

“Then there is social security.  Every paycheck, every month, we pay.  And when we are old enough to collect, guess what?  We have to pay taxes on it.  What the hell?”

 

“There is no free lunch, Wolf.”

 

“I have a doctor appointment tomorrow.  What’s the first question I will be asked?”

 

“Show me the money, or your insurance card.”

 

“Right.  Even the ER gathers that information, as you are dying on the gurney.”

 

“You really think the medical profession is all about saving lives?”

 

“And what’s with the marijuana thing?  It’s a weed.  But it is illegal?  Who says?”

 

“The Feds, Wolf.  Very bad, marijuana.”

 

“It’s cheap, plentiful and of course, a threat to the pharmaceuticals.”

 

“Never fight city hall.”

 

“And now I hear the wine prices are going up.”

 

“Yeah.  Those damn winos.  If only they would drink in moderation.  You know, you could give up wine.”

 

“End of rant, Minnie.  Some things are worth the price.”

 

 

Wolf

 

Saturday? or Caturday?

After a rough week, Saturday at last!

Sleep in!

Wrong.

My internal alarm rings at 5am.

The cats are hungry.

I feed them.

They don’t like the food.

Half pint walks to the door.

I open it.

It’s raining.

He cries.

Stop the rain, please.

He won’t go out.

Back to the kitchen.

Feed me.

I try another can of cat food.

Nope.

Back to the door.

Crying.

I need coffee.

I made it last night.

It is way too strong.

I should know better to make coffee when I am half in the bag.

I am wired.

Time to get rolling.

Hair dresser.

I have very short hair.

The gal asks me how I want it cut.

Hey, what do you think? Do I have many choices here?

Off to the grocery store.

It’s pouring.

I am soaking wet wandering around the store, half blind.

I forgot my glasses.

I am hungry.

I get the groceries and walk to the front door.

It is still raining.

I won’t go out.

Have I turned into my cat?

I venture out in the rain.

I am wet and so are the groceries.

Geez, what else do I have to do?

The gas station, the beer store, the pharmacy, the wine store, and the bank.

Finally home.

Now to carry all this stuff inside.

Did I mention it was raining?

Wet again.

The cats are waiting.

Guess what?

Hungry.

Can’t I have a beer and relax first, guys?

Beer is luke warm.

They don’t care.

I feed them.

They don’t like the food.

Half Pint goes to the door.

Yes, raining.

He won’t go out.

I make a ham and cheese sandwich.

Guess what?

The cats like ham.

They are sleeping now.

I am hungry.

I go to the door, thinking about a trip to the pub for dinner.

It’s raining.

I won’t go out.

To hell with it.

Move over guys, let’s take a nap and start again tomorrow.

Wolf

Can somebody bring whipped cream?

As a rule of thumb, Fridays are a happy day.

 

Last day of the work week.

 

Pay day.

 

Anticipating weekend plans.

 

Wrapping up the loose ends.

 

Problems and issues resolved.

 

Oh yeah?

 

The backroom had a melt down.

 

Tears, eating frenzies, and cruel and unusual punishment were abundant.

 

One of the fabulous 5 had the audacity to take the day off.

 

What the hell?

 

We needed her support.

 

And her phone slamming, to bring us back to reality.

 

Even the princess showed signs of madness.

 

In the spot light, was the Beaver.

 

Her world has turned upside down.

 

Oscar, the martyr, added to the mayhem, as she slowly relinquished control over her account.

 

Wolfy, the ultimate idiot, could not upstage the drama.

 

She needs that edge to incite chaos.

 

And when it was time to leave, the fabulous four, minus one,  left the building, singing the chorus to “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.”

 

And they hugged one another.

 

There is truth to the rumor:  Misery loves company.

 

Or as Scarlett O’Hara once said, “Tomorrow is another day.”

 

So we had a bad day?

 

So what?  On Tuesday, we will celebrate Candis’ birthday.

 

Bring ice cream.

 

And hot fudge.

 

Can’t wait!

 

Wolf

Answers to serious questions

What’s shaking?

 

What’s happening?

 

Behaving?

 

Sup?

 

How you doing?

 

Hey!

 

How’s your day going?

 

How do you answer any of those questions?

 

Shaking?  Yeah. I had a few too many last night.

 

Happening?  Uhm.  Life?  What did I miss?

 

Behaving?  Sure. (wink wink)  You  idiot!

 

Sup?  Up yours.

 

Doing?  Every chance I get.

 

Hey?  What the hell? Were you born a goof?  Or just act like one?

 

How’s your day?  Day?  Hell, I don’t even know what day it is.  Is it still July?

 

Small talk?  Or just our way of greeting one another?

 

Let’s be honest.

 

OMG.  Did you have a stroke or what?

 

Did you know your butt is hanging out of your pants?

 

I love you too. What’s your name again?

 

Got any weed?

 

Shut up Pat!

 

 

Wolf