She tracked me down.
Get your butt into the hospital for tests.
I can’t possibly go this week. I have jury duty.
Fine. You are scheduled for Monday.
Why does my doctor stalk me?
I tell her I will call and make the appointment.
She doesn’t believe me.
The appointment line calls me.
OK, Wolf, what time on Monday?
Shoot. I don’t know. I feel fine.
930am. Sharp. Monday.
Another call from the appointment line.
Come on, guys. Isn’t one test enough for Monday?
Nope. 1030. Sharp. And be there.
Why Monday? Isn’t Monday bad enough without tests?
Shut up, Wolf. Get here, so we can determine if you are terminal.
I say: “Aren’t we all?”
The appointment line is not amused.
I eat a chocolate Easter egg and 2 enchiladas.
I am still hungry.
That’s it. I have a tape worm.
I call the appointment line.
I wait for 22 minutes.
Please hold. Your call is important to us, but if you have an emergency, hang up and dial 911.
I hang up.
The doctor calls me.
Chicken Buttafucco, may I help you?
Give it up, Chicken Butt. I am confirming your appointments, on Monday. Be there.
I feel rebellious and tell the doctor that I am so hungry that I might not be alive by Monday.
She says, ‘Yeah, ok, just show up on Monday.”
But I feel fine, Can’t we discuss this? Get a 2nd opinion? Meet at the local pub for a drink and a pizza?
Oops, wait a minute, Chicken B. We have to reschedule your Monday appointment. We are closed, due to Easter.
I thought Easter was on a Sunday. Has that changed?
Be there on Wednesday.
I hang up, head for the pizza joint and guess what? It’s snowing.
I check the jury hot line: If you have April 1 as your jury date, do NOT show up.
I drive in the snow, on the last day of March, wearing my sunglasses at night, and wondering if Tina Turner was ever a private dancer, and if Sting was ever a bumble bee.
Home at last. The cat reluctantly goes out in the snow, in white out conditions.
I tear March off the calendar, and it dawns on me: tomorrow is April Fools day.
The snow is falling. Winter should be over. Instead of a white Christmas, we are having a white Easter.
I wonder: What is reality? And what is illusion?
And does any of that really matter?