Urgent newsletter to all employees:
I knew you all would read this, when I said urgent. I love it when I can use hype and sensationalism to grab your attention.
Ok, so you may have noticed that several people are undergoing plastic surgery, due to severe peckings by the geese. Most of the pecked people panicked when peter piper ate a pickled pepper. Ooops wrong poem. Actually, the peckings were perpetrated by picnicking in the parking lot. For those who lost portions of their patooties, we feel your pain. However, there is a lesson to be learned here. Never trust someone who tells you they love you a bushel and a peck, especially if they are honking when they say it.
For those who are wondering what is going on in the warehouse, let me explain: Have you ever been in a corn maize? Or a carnival with mirrors? Or have you been a frequent bar fly, trying to find the ladies or mens room after a few blasts at the local pub? Come on, we all have been there. We believe that our mental capacities are heightened when we burst out of the back room door, trip over the barriers and crawl our way to the print center plastic curtains to find our way out to the shipping office. Change is good. It forces us to refocus on our daily routines and to confuse the hell out of us, rebooting our brains, knowing that a good old fashioned jolt will have the same effect as a whooping we got as children. When we get too complacent, we need to dink around with our logistics and make things uncomfortable. And as we get accustomed to our new environment, cussing and growling, we just may realize that this change is only about one thing: Safety. If you aren’t walking where you can get run over, you eliminate the possibility of a disaster. And you will live safely through another year, to see the geese next April, pecking the hind ends of your coworkers.
I must raise one additional painful topic before I ride off into the sunset. Goals. Every time I mention goals, I hear groaning, moaning and sighing. And then, slowly, and reluctantly, we sit down, reflect on our strengths and weaknesses and come up with a handful of goals, hoping they are good enough to pass inspection. And then…… we go about our daily tasks and forget about those goals, until next year, when it is time for a review. This year, a small group of back room workers, banded together, to set goals that are meaningful, measurable and challenging.
They have agreed to let me share those goals with you, as an inspirational tool.
!. I am, have been, and always will be awesome. And in 2015, I will be more awesome than ever. But I will not, go out on my lunch hour and pick up lunch for you idiots.
2. Let us say, hahahhaha, get it? Let us? Lettuce? Anyway, let us say that our diets have a direct and meaningful influence on our working behaviors. And since there is a shortage of lettuce in Bethlehem, I will make the supreme sacrifice to go out on my lunch hour, and buy sufficient lettuce for sustenance, along with any half price cakes and cookies.
3. I am the princess. I am the walrus. I am the egg man. I love flip flops, labs, baseball and sweet wine. I am perfect. So eat your heart out. I don’t need a goal. I am.
4. Look, I have been working for many years, and it is all BS. Yes, BS. I want to stay home and take care of my grands. So why don’t I retire? Are you kidding? I come in early, work late, and spend time writing the most detailed emails of all time. If I retired, the place would close up. And that is no BS.
5. Uhm, guess what? Huh? You are supposed to say, “What?” So, I can say, “Chicken Butt.”. I love my job. What? You say I am crazy? And I have too much fun when I work? Yeah, ok, but guess what?
And so, my comrades, friends, fellow goofs and others, until next month,
cha cha cha.