Secrets to losing weight:

  1.  Don’t eat.

2.  Drink lemon water.

3.  Fall in love….. get married, and then. watch out, fatty fatty 2×4.

4.  Give up carbs.

5.  And then, when you have an overwhelming urge to eat a large pepperoni pizza and a pecan pie, and you give in to that urge, your self image is, and always has been, a friendly, cuddly, bloated piglet.  And good golly Miss Molly, who can resist your chubby ass?

6.  Forget about dieting. Eat when you are hungry.  So what if it is all the time?

7. Subscribe to magazines featuring large women.

8.  Pretend you have a thyroid problem.  Hey!  I can’t help it if I eat a stalk of celery, I gain 5 pounds.

9.  Hang out with obese people, to make you look thinner.

10.  Curse your ancestors. Those damn fatties.

11.  Have a few shots of Jameson,  with beer chasers, and laugh your ass off when you can’t remember why you care if you are on a diet or not.

12.  Remind yourself that you are a goof.  And it really doesn’t matter if you are a fat goof or a skinny goof.  You are now, and always will be a goof.  So, skip to number 13.

13.  Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  A little known secret:  Always buy clothes 2 sizes too big.  It will make people wonder how you lost so much weight,  while you are living the life of debauchery.

14.  Who really cares if you are fat or skinny or crazy or wild?  Let me clarify that:.  We all worry about our image, and will do what we have to do, to improve it. However, if you ask the majority of people who know and love you, they don’t care how you look.  They just care how you make them feel.

15.  Let it be.  Give it up.  Go with the flow.  And always, and I mean always, allow others to be who and what they are.  And maybe, just maybe, they will let you be who you are too.





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