Drink number 1:
Hi. How you doing?
Geez it was a muggy day.
Yeah, I had a rough one.
But it is what it is, and it is Wednesday, hump day, isn’t it?
At least we are half way through the week.
Drink number 2:
Can I ask you a question?
What? Why not?
Ahhhhh… I forget what I was going to ask.
It’s ok. I forget what I was going to answer.
Hey, a friend of a friend just won 1.6 million on the lottery.
Yeah? Well, I put out a mouse trap last night and caught a mouse.
Oh? Well, my pool sprang a leak and I can’t find it.
Hey, can somebody tell me why my computer screen won’t light up?
I need to find a ride to Philly when the pope is there.
Don’t be an idiot. The roads to Philly are closed for the pope.
Drink number 3:
Look what the cat dragged in. Chicken butt.
Yeah, well, so what else is new?
You know, you really are looking mighty fat. Enjoying your groceries, Hon?
Let me say this about that: When I was a kid, I had to walk 3 miles to school in 40 below weather, with no shoes…
Yeah? Well, when I was a kid, I was a pot head.
Wait a minute. You look familiar. Do I know you?
Yes, you idiot, I am your sister.
Oh geez. Don’t tell Mom.
Can somebody call me a cab?
Yeah, Hello Cab.
Ding ding ding. Closing time.
Oh no. Now what?
Just fooling. It is only 7 oclock. Go home, you goof.
Can someone point me in the direction of the nearest ladies room?
Are you on vacation? I mean, do you live around here? I mean, do you really have a job or are you just a local bar fly?
Hold your horses, big shot. Am I sitting at the bar? No. Am I sitting at a table? Yes.
I am not a bar fly, I am a table fly.
Yeah, but have you ever seen a grown man naked?
The phone rings.
We look at one another, guilty as charged, as we all say, in stereo: “I’m not here!”
And we slink out, to reality.
Pretty muggy day, eh?
Oh yeah. Have a good night.
Looks like rain.
See you tomorrow?
No, I have to cut the grass.