Definition of a bum:

Gets up, drinks coffee, eats marshmallow peeps, has a few beers, doesn’t get dressed, feeds cats, makes a few sandwiches, plays candy crush, pops a bottle of wine, gets into the cashews, reluctantly vacuums, decides to make the bed, but can’t (cat is in it and looking mean), finds a bag of dried pineapple, eats a dozen or so, watches an old movie with Sean Penn, turns on the Eagles game  (that was a mistake). Takes a well deserved break, only to find the cat staring at me.  He has been stalking me all day.

Go back to the on line games, try to get Jim to eat something, but he is coughing so much he cant eat. The pharmacy calls.  My pills are ready.  Yeah? Well, that’s nice. Keep them for a day or so, ok?  I happen to be indisposed, for a few days.  Huh? Yeah, I am in training to be a bum.

I happen to pass a mirror.  I should not have looked. Yikes.  Oh the horror!  It’s a good thing I can continue this bum thing tomorrow. What the hell happened to me anyway?  I used to be a kid, growing up in the Midwest, where I hear they got snow yesterday.  I am not ready for snow.  Bums do not like snow.  We bums prefer a nice warm day. A day we can awake at dawn, and high tail it to the porch for a couple of brewskies.  That reminds me: I have to take in the deck chairs and all that jazz one of these days. I look outside. The sky is an amazing color of pink.  The leaves are covering the back yard. Good.  I hear leaves are good for the yard.  At least that is what bums say.  Bums hate raking.

I have a few days off this week.  Well, all week, to be exact.  By the time next week rolls around, I should be a bona fide bum.  I think about Thanksgiving.  Oh boy.  Bums hate cooking. I think about that movie, when the kid and his family went to the Chinese restaurant for Christmas, or was it Thanksgiving.  I forget.  We bums forget a lot.  I wonder if there are turkey egg rolls, with gravy and cranberry sauce.  I resolve to call the deli sometime this week, when I am not half in the bag. I hear they do the whole turkey thing, especially for bums who are too lazy and too old to cook.  They even have pick up now at the grocery store.

I am feeling good now.  I can drive to the store, pick up  a T day dinner, and stop at Dunkin to load up on those jelly dog nuts.  I have a feeling that this week is going to be a good one…. for bums,  like me.




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