I want mine rare

“Well, I see you went shopping for groceries today. How come?”

“I knew the home was having meatloaf tonight and I want steak.”

“Excuse me!! So, how do you plan to fix a steak? And to eat it in front of all of us meatloaf eaters?”

“I got a little grill, table top. And it was on sale, 50% off.”

“Ok, so did you get charcoal?”

“Yea, I did.”

“And you really are gonna grill that steak? And not expect all of us to want a bite?”

“I didn’t think about that.”

“You better go back to the market and get steaks for all of us.”

“You know I can’t afford that.”

“Well, I will take up a collection. How’s that? Anyone who wants steak, can chip in, let’s say $7.00 each.”

“All right. But hurry up. I am starving.”

“Here. $140 smackers. 20 of us will be waiting.”

“Hey, here she comes, with the steaks.”

“I want mine rare.”

“I can’t eat it unless you make mine well done.”

“I don’t want a burnt steak. So, make mine medium.”

“Can I have mushrooms with mine?”

“Ok, she is serving them now. Super!”

“Great idea! These are delicious.”

“Hey, how come you aren’t eating with us?”

“I have to grill mine now.”

“Ooops, the dog next door just took off with your steak.”

“Are you serious? Oh noooooo!”

“So sorry!. We enjoyed our steaks so much, but don’t worry, there is plenty of meatloaf left.”


Where have you been?

“Where have you been, Wolf? We have not seen you since the 4th of July.”

At least 20 times today, I was asked that same question. I decided to think up a different answer each time I was asked.

“I went to the desert on a horse with no name.”

“Someone told me Dunkin Donuts was giving out free donuts, and I had to wait in line.”

“The airplane had engine problems and we were on the tarmac for 20 days, 4 hours and 17 minutes, with no food, water or toilets.”

“I’ve been waiting for Billy Joel to show up for his concert with Elton John in upstate NY.”

“The movie theatre was showing a rerun of the OJ trial and I sat through the whole thing.”

“I ran into Bill O’Reilly and made the mistake of asking him why he hates liberals.”

“I went to Iowa to watch the corn grow.”

“I’ve been on tour after winning the ugliest dog contest. No, I don’t have a dog.”

“I took $20 to the casino, and played the penny slots, one penny at a time.”

“I was offered a ride to the grocery store in an Amish cart. The horse was a little old.”

And my final answer: “Does it really matter? I am baaaaaaaaaaack.”


I’ll have the bean sprouts, please

I was invited to dinner. It had been so long, since I had been out on the town, that I just didn’t know where to begin. The restaurant is quite fancy and specializes in Japanese food. You know, where the guy slices everything up, in front of everyone, and throws shrimp in your mouth, and makes those cornball jokes. I didn’t know what to wear, what to order or how to behave.

I decided to ask the girls at the nursing home for their advice. I asked my friend Gigi to help me. She is a worldly type, as she used to be a madam at some ranch in Nevada. She helped me pick out the right clothes, shoes and even put on my makeup. She loaned me a gown that had sequins and white feathers, and a pair of 4 inch heels. She applied black eye makeup and dyed my hair pink. I sneaked a look in the mirror and exclaimed, “Oh my God, Tammy Faye is alive.”

I asked my friend Georgia what to order. She told me never to order meat. You just don’t know if the Japenese are woking their dogs or cats. She suggested that I order several warm sakes and bean sprouts. And never to order the ice cream. It looks like a rainbow but tastes like #%@#%.

Finally I asked Mimi to advise me on how to make a good impression while dining. She was very helpful. She suggested that I not eat anything that sticks to my teeth. You see, I have this problem with my dentures, and every time I eat something sticky, my teeth fall out. She said that if they do fall out, to keep eating and slip the teeth in your bra. And if anyone tries to talk to you and you are toothless, don’t answer, just grunt, and for God’s sake, don’t smile.

Well, I went to dinner. I was quite wobbly in those shoes, and had to be helped to the table. The cook was grilling chicken, and the feathers on my dress started flying all over. The other guests left, saying that they could not eat unplucked chickens. The sake made me sneeze and my eye makeup ran down my face in streaks. I ate a few sprouts and my teeth fell out. I tried to slip them in my bra, but I had forgotten to put on a bra, and the teeth fell on the floor, making a chattering noise. I grunted and pointed to my teeth, and the cook scooped them up and put them on the grill. They flared up and started a fire. The cook dragged me out of my chair, half drunk, with no teeth and feathers flying and told me that dinner was on the house and he would call me a cab.

When I got back to the home, the girls wanted to know if I had a good time. I grunted, then winked at them.

Eat your heart out girls, I’ll never tell.


New Leaf

That’s it. I am turning over a new leaf. I will no longer criticize my co workers. I will suffer in silence. A martyr, that’s me. Until the day began…

When Jackie came in late, and missed the morning meeting, I took over for her. I silently called her a stupid ass, and before I knew it, my mouth opened and I said it. I slapped my mouth shut, but it was too late.

When Tony spilled coffee over my finished report, I calmly told him that it was no problem. Then I grabbed my bottle of water and dumped it on his head. I told him I thought he was my chia pet and he needed watering. So sorry.

When Shirley came in wearing skin tight pants and a sweater that was 2 sizes too small, I covered my head with a paper bag. But the bag did not conceal my uncontrollable laughter.

When the phone rang, and it was that horribly boring Linda, I pretended my phone was out of order and yelled : ” I don’t know who this is, but my phone went dead, Linda.” OOOPs, shouldn’t have mentioned her name.

When George stood at my desk and ate all the candy out of my dish, I calmly mentioned that I had a constipation problem and that the candy was really ex lax.

When Jim was playing games on the internet, I called his boss, pretended I needed help, and would meet her at Jim’s desk.

Then I lost it. We had our afternoon meeting and Frank had taken his shoes off and was leaning back in his chair, I yelled, “Fire!” 4 people trampled Frank and he got a broken toe.

That new leaf just doesn’t suit me. I think I will go back to my old ways. I can’t stand being this nice.









What a gas!

I couldn’t wait to go to the dance at the home. I knew it would be a blast. When I arrived, in my green mumu, I looked around at the crowd and noticed that there were at least 15 men!  OK!  For 35 women, we might have a chance to dance at least a few times tonight. It was a St. Patrick’s day dance. There were green balloons and green crepe paper and we all got paper shamrocks to wear. We all brought our best records, you know, the 78s, the GREATEST!. We started out with Percy Faith, and we were in our glory.

Things got a little goofy when Minnie arrived and forgot she was at the dance. She went into the ladies room and came out naked. She thought she was in her room and was looking for her nightie. We didn’t even bother to cover her up. She was always running around nude. Such a show off. One of the nurses threw a towel over her and whisked her away. Too bad she had to miss the party.

Then Daniel showed up in his blue jeans. He had lost a few pounds and his pants were really baggy. He decided to do the twist and his pants fell off. Geez! You should have seen his undies. He forgot it was St Patty’s day and wore his Halloween boxers. They were a little big on him. Actually they were loose and hanging down past his knees. You should have seen those pumpkins and skulls hanging down around his ankles. It was ghoulish.

The home decided to serve us a real Irish dinner: Corned beef and cabbage. Too bad there was only one rest room available. Serving cabbage to 50 seniors can be deadly. I had to wait 30 minutes to get to the toilet. And I was 4th in line.

Our mascot showed up just as the line up for the rest room had formed. He is a black lab who loves seniors and shows us unconditional love. While we were in line, the little bugger made the rounds and scarfed up the cabbage and corned beef on our plates. I saw him laying in the middle of the room, on his back and God, did he stink. But by then, the whole place stunk. Let’s face it. 50 seniors and one dog, corned beef and cabbage: gas balls, all of us.

The place was so terribly stinky, that no one wanted to stay. I got a peek at the dessert and it was a choice of chocolate pudding or donut holes with sprinkles. No thanks. I took my 78s and went back to my room. Daniel showed up , without his jeans, still wearing those spooky undies. I put on my orange and black mumu, and my Bill Clinton mask and we boogied the night away.

I love Halloween!


Hellish Room-mate

I have the room-mate from hell. I just moved in here, and I don’t think I can handle much more of this. I mean, wouldn’t you think that if I needed to borrow some of her clothes that she would be happy that I thought her outfits were great? And that I was complimenting her by borrowing them? Or if I needed a little cash, I could borrow that too? She leaves her money in her top drawer, and showed me where she kept it, so it isn’t like it is a big secret.
She never shares her desserts with me, either. I have a sweet tooth and usually eat my dessert first, and I keep staring at her dessert, but she doesn’t offer me any. She had her TV on the other day, and I changed the channel. I wanted to watch the Wheel. She knows I look forward to that. But she got ticked off and turned it back to Jeopardy.
Then, when the bus picked us up for a trip to the mall, she refused to sit by me, and sat by some old fart, from down the hall. I got mad and stood in the middle of the bus and called her a cheap whore. She and the old fart knocked me flat on my face, right there in front of everyone.
Yesterday, her family came to see her, and I listened to what they were saying, and I commented on just about everything. They asked her if she was eating, and she said, “yes, sometimes”. Well, I blurted out the truth. “She eats like a hog, and never shares her desserts”. Then they asked, ” Are you taking your meds?” She replied, “Of course.” I told them the truth: “She needs more than meds. She is crazy as a loon and gets in fist fights on the bus.” The family must have heard enough of her lies, and immediately whisked her out the door.

Now get this: I am being kicked out of this room in the nursing home. They claim I am a hopeless, lying instigator. Have you ever? Well, I have my own plans: I am gonna move in with the old fart down the hall. He is kinda cute, and he hates desserts.



Dead, but not forgotten

My husband gets dead men’s clothes for Christmas. No kidding. His brother works for an old mens’ rest home and when one of them dies, he goes in and collects the belongings. He wraps them up and gives them to my husband for Christmas. Now this brother is rich, so not sure why he is still working, but I guess it is because he is “frugal.”
Last year my husband, let’s call him Baldy, got 25 ties. They were all thrown into a box. Wow. Not bad, if you wear ties. But Baldy has not worn a tie in at least 10 years. What do you say when you open that box and see the sea of ties? Thanks a lot? Really neat, Bro.
The year before he got a coat. It was a real beauty, if you like tan coats with a fake fur collar. Did anyone really wear that awful coat? Well, at least it fit him, even if he never wore it. It is hanging in the closet and we have to be careful, so the cats don’t attack it. And the year before, he got two pair of PJs, still in the original boxes, never opened. Obviously no dead guy ever wore them, even when he was alive. Well, Baldy wears his boxer shorts and t-shirts to bed, so what the heck does he want with PJs? His brother took a picture of Baldy when he opened the PJs. Not a pretty scene.
And the year before? A real sharp leisure suit. OMG, what a present. I immediately boxed it up and sent it to my cousin in ND. He wore it to a wedding.
My brother-in-law’s wife just sent us an urgent email. They have lost over $200,000 in the stock market and can no longer afford to exchange gifts at Christmas. Geez, what a shame.


This little piggy went to market….

I need to go on a diet. Help me please BW, I just have to lose weight. I am not just fat, I am downright disgusting. I have only one pair of pants that still fit me and the buttons on my blouses have all popped out. Even my socks feel tight. I have busted the driver’s seat in my car and have to sit in the backseat or the passenger seat when I am driving. And do you know how difficult it is to drive when you can’t reach the gas and brake pedals? My daughter is getting married next month and I want to look slim and trim for the wedding. OOPs, just a minute, the pizza delivery guy is at the door. OK, back.

Now, getting back to the issue, I have really tried to cut back, but I don’t seem to be successful. I have kept track of what I have been eating, for your review. For today, this is what I had to eat: Prior to breakfast, I woke up at 3am, and my hand automatically reached out for a candy bar. I slapped my hand and said, “No.” But the hand had already unwrapped the candy bar, and I didn’t want to waste it, so I ate it. Actually, I ate 3. That damn hand.

Then for breakfast, I fixed a few waffles. The multi grain type. Very healthy. And I fried some bacon. But the bacon all got stuck together and I had to put the whole package in the pan. Did you know that when you fry bacon, it separates itself? And the health books say that fruit is great for diets, so I polished off a fruit cake with my waffles and bacon.

For a snack, around 10a, I was hungry as a bear. And as you know, when you are on a diet, you should only eat when you are hungry. Since I was at work, I had to eat at my desk. So I opened my lunch bag, and ate a couple peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You can’t eat sandwiches without chips, so I waddled out to the vending machine for a bag of chips and noticed that there was a new machine, that had ice cream sandwiches for sale. I bought a couple to see if they were any good, and then settled in til noon, for lunch.

 I waited until I was hungry, and at 12:15, I had to go out to get something to eat, since I had eaten my lunch earlier. I believe in saving money and had a few coupons for KFC and McD’s. I opted for McD’s and when I pulled up to order my food, I saw that the Super Saver Meal was a very good bargain, so I ordered a big Mac and extra large fries, and said very loudly, “AND a DIET coke.” I was so proud of myself. And I had saved $2.00.

 I skipped the afternoon break. Well, almost. Someone was selling Girl Scout Cookies and I just couldn’t refuse the kid, so I bought a package of the thin mints and polished them off. Notice: Thin mints. Very healthy.

I have not had dinner yet, but I have worked myself into a sweaty frenzy writing to you, so I ordered a pizza. I called the place that sends you 2 pizzas when you order a Deluxe 4 Meat pizza, and I decided to eat only one of them and to save the other for a snack tonight. As you can see, I am really trying. What am I doing wrong?

Your desperate friend,

Tina Small

Dear Ms Small, Look dear, I know you are trying……Trying to turn into an elephant, hahahaah.

 But on the upside, the grocery business will continue to thrive in this awful economy, with you around. Way to go.


(oink oink)

 Banana Wolf

Problems at the office


Dear Friends,

I have no problems in my personal life, but am experiencing difficulties at work. I wonder : Am I doing something wrong? My co-workers are acting strangely. They wear clothes pins on their noses when they talk to me. They don’t invite me to meetings anymore. My desk has been moved to the back of the warehouse. I no longer have a phone. My boss emails me once a week, and sends articles on rest homes. I sit on a cardboard box because my double wide chair broke. I try to look good, and wear those spike heeled shoes and low cut dresses, but those shoes make me wobbly and I have fallen a dozen or so times in the past month. At least I have the vending machines near me, and I am going broke, buying all the chocolates and cheeseburgers that the vendor supplies. It is very difficult for me to do my job as a receptionist as I don’t sit in the office and can’t page anyone. I am always willing to work overtime, but no one asks. I have a feeling that this company does not appreciate older working women. I am a 67 year old plus sized woman, but used to be a man. I have not been able to get my hormone shots lately, so I am sporting a good sized beard. I used to shower daily but am a conservatist and feel that once a week is plenty. And I bathe with my 4 dogs every Saturday night.

Well, there is more I could tell you, but to make a long story short, do you think I should go to the Labor Board and file a complaint?

Sincerely yours,

Madonna Pugh

Dear Ms/Mr Pugh:

Quit your whining. Don’t you realize there are people in many countries who have no access to vending machines?

And unfortunately, you ran your mouth just a little too much in your letter. I am a member of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, and I have no recourse but to report you to our officials. It is against the law to bathe with your dogs. One never knows what they might “catch” from you.

Hang on to that job, Buster. No one could ever fill your shoes.

Unsympathically yours,


Anyone up for a weenie roast?


I work at a septic tank plant where I have to shower after work. Let’s just say that it is a dirty place, and all of us guys have to wash up before we leave the building. Well, I am sick and tired of showering with my co-workers. I am not well endowed, and the guys make fun of me. I am ready to quit, but need a job. I am between a proverbial rock and hard place.

What should I do?

Dick Johnson

Dear Dick,

Excuse me, but I can’t stop laughing. Maybe you can sing in the shower to take the pressure off: How about: “I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner?”


You might consider changing your name from Dick to Dinky.

Sorry, but your problem is  just not “big” enough for BananaWolf.

Grow up, hahahahahaha