I need to go on a diet. Help me please BW, I just have to lose weight. I am not just fat, I am downright disgusting. I have only one pair of pants that still fit me and the buttons on my blouses have all popped out. Even my socks feel tight. I have busted the driver’s seat in my car and have to sit in the backseat or the passenger seat when I am driving. And do you know how difficult it is to drive when you can’t reach the gas and brake pedals? My daughter is getting married next month and I want to look slim and trim for the wedding. OOPs, just a minute, the pizza delivery guy is at the door. OK, back.
Now, getting back to the issue, I have really tried to cut back, but I don’t seem to be successful. I have kept track of what I have been eating, for your review. For today, this is what I had to eat: Prior to breakfast, I woke up at 3am, and my hand automatically reached out for a candy bar. I slapped my hand and said, “No.” But the hand had already unwrapped the candy bar, and I didn’t want to waste it, so I ate it. Actually, I ate 3. That damn hand.
Then for breakfast, I fixed a few waffles. The multi grain type. Very healthy. And I fried some bacon. But the bacon all got stuck together and I had to put the whole package in the pan. Did you know that when you fry bacon, it separates itself? And the health books say that fruit is great for diets, so I polished off a fruit cake with my waffles and bacon.
For a snack, around 10a, I was hungry as a bear. And as you know, when you are on a diet, you should only eat when you are hungry. Since I was at work, I had to eat at my desk. So I opened my lunch bag, and ate a couple peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You can’t eat sandwiches without chips, so I waddled out to the vending machine for a bag of chips and noticed that there was a new machine, that had ice cream sandwiches for sale. I bought a couple to see if they were any good, and then settled in til noon, for lunch.
I waited until I was hungry, and at 12:15, I had to go out to get something to eat, since I had eaten my lunch earlier. I believe in saving money and had a few coupons for KFC and McD’s. I opted for McD’s and when I pulled up to order my food, I saw that the Super Saver Meal was a very good bargain, so I ordered a big Mac and extra large fries, and said very loudly, “AND a DIET coke.” I was so proud of myself. And I had saved $2.00.
I skipped the afternoon break. Well, almost. Someone was selling Girl Scout Cookies and I just couldn’t refuse the kid, so I bought a package of the thin mints and polished them off. Notice: Thin mints. Very healthy.
I have not had dinner yet, but I have worked myself into a sweaty frenzy writing to you, so I ordered a pizza. I called the place that sends you 2 pizzas when you order a Deluxe 4 Meat pizza, and I decided to eat only one of them and to save the other for a snack tonight. As you can see, I am really trying. What am I doing wrong?
Your desperate friend,
Dear Ms Small, Look dear, I know you are trying……Trying to turn into an elephant, hahahaah.
But on the upside, the grocery business will continue to thrive in this awful economy, with you around. Way to go.