An illusion

“It was one of those days, Minnie.  But I did my best to alleviate the pressures and the stress I was feeling.  I employed my best stress relieving measures, and made it through the storm.”

“Care to tell me how you did it?”

“These are highly secretive measures. I really don’t know if it is in my best interest to reveal these secrets, but between you and me, Mcat showed up with her buns.  And I ate one.”

“What the hell?”

“I crashed my cart into Kelly and got a citation for reckless driving.”

“From the police?”

“Worse.  From that no good, low count critter who sits across from me.”

“Pat?”

“Who else?  Shut up, Pat!”

“Oh for stupid.”

“Erica tried to calm the savage beasts, and kept asking the same question: Do you want to hear a story?”

“What story?”

“Same old story, ‘I quit.'”

“Did she?”

“Hell no.  Damn DQ.”

“Dairy queen?”

“Yeah, right, Minnie.  Dairy queen.”

“How did Beav and Candis survive the day?”

“Don’t go there, Minnie.  Do not poke the bipolar nor the grizzly bear.  At least not until October.”

“And Babs?”

“Hell, she couldn’t wait to go to the dentist.  Now, you know, going to the dentist has to be on the list of one of the most dreaded trips you will make.  Not for Babs.  Not today.  A root canal would be tranquil and refreshing, compared to the day she was having.”

“And how did you survive?”

“At 4pm, I volunteered to load up 32,000 envelopes, to make the deadline for shipping. But…. I was not wearing my steel toed shoes.  So, I stood in between the yellow lines and supervised the loading of the envelopes, by Mcat and Iglou.  My mind immediately flashed back to the Dallas cheerleaders. If you are not a player, then be a sexy supporter..  I spotted a broom perched against a wall.  It was the kind of broom that held potential.   I straddled that broom and pretended to ride it. You should have seen me, Minnie. Never in the history of the warehouse, has there ever been a spectacle to surpass my broom act.”

“So, your secret stress reliever is a broom?”

“A broom is a broom, is a broom.  A rose is a rose is a rose. But stress? It’s only an illusion.”

“And the moral of this story?”

“Ride a cowboy , save a broom. And don’t forget : whiskey for my men , beer for my roses.”

 

Wolf

 

 

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A Wolf’s philosophy

The Wolf is at the door, guarding the hen house, and giving advice for a happier life:

 

If in doubt, don’t wear it.

Can’t carry a tune? Sing anyway.  It feels good.

If someone asks “why?” don’t answer.  There is no good answer to “why.”

A great cup of coffee deserves real cream.

Need your space?  Get up a half hour earlier and watch the sun rise.

Make a list of priorities.  You will be amazed at what you will accomplish.

Taking the sword can stop the madness. 

Angry? Go for a walk.

Indulge your cravings and accept the consequences.

Love is not always returned. So?  Love anyway.

Laughter is contagious.

All creatures feel they are the center of the universe.  But none more than mankind.

Vacations don’t necessarily mean going on a trip. 

Buy the best pillow you can afford.

Share what you have.  And you will always have more than you need.

The most admirable trait of your best friends?  Being a good listener.

Be yourself.  You are unique.  There is no one else like you. 

Playfulness is not only for children. 

Give credit to others.

And finally, pursue your dreams. Rainbows do exist for those who believe.

 

Wolf

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am so hot that…

 “Did you put your summer clothes away, Wolf?  If you did, you better dig them out.  Gonna be a hot one this week.”

“I’m always a hot one, Minnie.  I’m so hot that…

When I walk into a room, someone always yells  “FIRE”.

The air conditioning kicks into high and blows up.

There is no need for a microwave, when I am around.  I can put a frozen pot pie on my head, and it is steaming hot in 2 minutes.

If you hug me, you will get 3rd degree burns.

Hazmat has me listed as a danger to society.

Smokey the bear hates me.

I am thinking of bottling myself as awesome hot sauce.

Global warming?  Eat your heart out, Al Gore.

My first born child is Puff the magic dragon.

Steam blows through my body crevices.

Corn pops when I walk through the corn fields.

In summary, Minnie.  I am hot to trot.”

“Oh for crazy!  But, I hate to admit it, one thing you said was true.”

“Which is?”

“Your crevices are always blowing smoke.  You better have your engine checked for emissions.  You may have a fire in the hole.”

 

Wolf

 

 

 

The woman who loves beans

“Hey, Wolf, do people ever tell you stuff you really don’t want to know about?”

 

“Hell, yes.  All the time.  Looking back on the past week….

 

1.  I passed my pee test.

 

2. I have a boil on my stomach.

 

3.  Hey, what’s with the ice cream in the food pantry?  Are we having a party?  Am I invited?  Do you have any hot fudge?  I am so hungry for ice cream.  Did I mention that I am lactose intolerant?  And ice cream really does a number on my gastrointestinal system?

 

4.  I need to find a new job. This one is killing me. I haven’t been to work in 4 months. My doctor is a quack. He says I have to go back.

 

5.  I have no money.  I might have to find a pimp.

 

6.  I have to confess: I went on a cleaning frenzy, wiped the TV, and the damn screen broke. After the roof, the air conditioning and the crumbling side walk, I can never retire.

 

7. It’s so embarrassing.  I pooped myself.

 

8.  You should see what my cat does when she is in heat.

 

9.  My leg is blown up.  Want to see it?

 

10.  Hey you.  Yeah, you.  Got a minute? I need to vent. Can we do that when you give me a ride home? By the way, what’s your name?

 

“And how do you respond, Wolf?”

 

“Respond?  It’s more like endure.  And then at 5pm, I head for the nearest watering hole.”

 

“You must encourage people to spill the beans.”

 

“I’ve been thinking about that Minnie. And I think I know the answer.”

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“I thrive on spilled beans.”

 

 

Wolf

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh so different, yet, the same.

Six cubicles.

 

One empty.

 

Five very different people.

 

If they had met in another world, would it be the same?

 

Hardly soul mates, but then what is a soul mate, when you have cube mates?

 

If you have worked in a similar work place, aren’t there always one or two others that drive you nuts?

 

Consider this:

 

A frantic, deranged phone slammer, who has a penchant for control, and never loses an argument.  She mixes wild tantrums with infectious laughter.  She loves to schmooze with everyone, but never fails to give her opinion.  She manages her account with ease and success, an account she loves to hate.  She provides an unending entertainment and high energy to her team of cubies. 

 

In the cube behind her:  The ultimate martyr, the pitiful victim, who comes in early, stays late, and gets silent when stressed.  After she sheds her tears, her mood suddenly changes. She stands up, shakes her booty and acts like a goof.  She hogs the printer and never misses a deadline.  She gives 100%, but makes sure we all know it.  Who are these strange people who sit around her?  How dare they laugh and enjoy their work life?  And then, the expletives fly.  Miss goody two shoes?  Hardly.

 

In the next cubicle sits the princess.  The young “thang”, who is way too intelligent who learned everything in about 2 weeks, and can handle whatever is thrown at her.  She came into this odd mixture of cube mates with an sterling reputation. Always a professional, always the star.  No negativity would ever cross the lips of this admirable worker.  Oh yeah?  A few months have passed, and the super star is a silly rabbit, who finally opened up, admitted her frustrations, and laughs hysterically, in her new crazed environment.

 

Moving on, in cubicle number 4 is the woman who demands her space, her freedom, her priorities. She takes charge and gets things done.  I need this.  I need that.   A born leader, who gets what she wants when she wants it.  She loves to learn, to direct, and to get things done, her way.  If you interrupt her train of thought, or her lunch hour, expect to be told to buzz off.  However, delve a little deeper and you will see a soft hearted cupcake,  a party animal, a socially active woman, with a deep love for her friends, pets and coworkers.

 

In the 5th cube is the oldest living working ( well semi working) individual, who has had the same account for 10 years, and still finds it challenging.  She is either an idiot, or crazy.  And most people don’t even bother to decide which it is.  It’s been said she loves everyone.  How can that be?  But she does. Her favorite part of the day is to interact with others.  She can’t help being obnoxious, stirring up nonsense and laughter.  She can be a real pain in the ass, but doesn’t care.  She is not afraid to take on the difficult customers, as she takes their problems seriously, but never takes herself seriously.

 

An unlikely mix of people, unique, and diverse.  But somehow, they click, and contribute their uniqueness every day, to make working a joy.

 

 

Wolf

Bibi

Once upon a time, 7 years ago, a tiny hairless cat arrived, to live with the Beaver.

 

Never was there a more loving, affectionate cat in the history of the cat world.

 

The cat had a most unusual name: Bibi, but he was more unusual than his name.

 

From the first meeting, it was love at first sight. 

 

Beav was in turmoil, and somehow, Bibi knew it. 

 

He gave her unconditional love.

 

A healing kind of love.

 

 A love that opened up a new life of hope and happiness for both of them.

 

He saw her through the worst of times and the best of times and stayed by her side, until she found her true love.

 

Bibi’s health declined, over the years, until a crisis left him near death.

 

The Beav said her goodbyes this morning:  I love you Bibi.  Thank you for the joy you brought to my life.

 

Bibi could no longer breathe.

 

It was all but over.

 

And the Beav wept for the loss of her best friend.

 

Now it is evening.

 

The Vet called.

 

Bibi was still alive.

 

His breathing had improved.

 

He had faced death, but was not defeated.

 

A hairless cat, 7 years old, who just could not leave the Beav.

 

Not yet.

 

Not now.

 

The will to live and to be together again defied the odds.

 

If only he could live forever.

 

None of us do.

 

But all of us can learn from Bibi.

 

Give your love unconditionally.

 

Love each other every day.

 

And when the final goodbye comes, weep for your loss.

 

And always remember Bibi.

 

The cat who faced death, to live another day.

 

 

Wolf

There’s no place like home.

Living in the country:

 

Things I like:

 

Taking out the garbage at 7am in pajamas and nobody sees my ridiculous ass.

 

Birds substitute for alarm clocks.

 

The nearest neighbor is half a mile away.

 

Entertainment is sitting on the deck and watching the wild life frolicking in the yard.

 

Pets have freedom to explore the outdoors.

 

Wild flowers spring up in the most unusual places.

 

The changing of the seasons is magnified:  The silence of the snow, the chirping of the crickets, the falling leaves of autumn, and the first robin.

 

What I don’t like about living in the country:

 

The last place to be plowed.

 

The first place to lose power in a storm.

 

The long trek to a grocery store.

 

Those damn birds when you want to sleep in.

 

Well water.

 

No deliveries from the restaurants.

 

No kids on Halloween.

 

Getting stuck in the driveway when it snows.

 

The main thing is what I love to hate:  Complacency. Leaving the peace and tranquility to join the rest of the world. 

 

Is it worth it?

 

It’s not for everyone.

 

It can be challenging and sometimes, downright difficult.

 

But after a long day, there is no place like home, in the country.

 

 

Wolf

 

 

I love a fat doctor

“I see you are finally back from your doctor appointment.  What took so long?”

 

“Let’s just say that I prefer my old doc.  I was in and out of his office in 20 minutes flat.”

 

“So why so long?”

 

“Well, first of all, I had to fill out papers.  Then I waited, for an hour when the computer network went down.  And some lovely old bags were in the waiting room with their stories.  I got some pretty nice recipes for turkey loaf, and heard all about how no one was going to agree to a colonoscopy.  One elderly lady was told she had a STD and she scheduled an appointment to find out how in the hell that happened.”

 

“How did you like your new doctor?”

 

“I did.  I can eat all I want and she better not say a word.  She is one chubby lady.  But before I got to see her, a nurse came in, and asked me all kinds of questions.  That same question came up:  Do you ever have feelings of hopelessness and want to hurt yourself?”

 

“Don’t tell me you said yes.”

 

“I did.  And she raised her eyebrows, was ready to call in the white coats, and send me to the pysch ward. At least if I had gone there, I would have been home hours ago.

“Did you get a flu shot?”

 

“No, but I got a tetanus shot. Thank goodness.  I didn’t want to tell her, but I have been rabid for years.”

 

“Oh for crazy.”

 

“She gave me a new med, to calm my ruffled feathers, and told me to come back in 2 weeks.  Now I have to go back some time soon, for a blood test.  Geez, when they see the results, I am toast. I have 10% blood and 90% wine.  She had the audacity to ask me about my wine drinking and  she said: “No more than one glass a night.”

 

“Did you admit you have a problem?”

 

“No, I told her life is all about living, loving and laughing.  And I occasionally have a penchant for the grapes of wrath.”

 

“Are you satisfied with this new doctor?”

 

“Let’s just say that the experience for this old goat was quite stressful.  I had to stop at 3 in the afternoon for some fortification to calm my jangled nerves.”

 

“So, all in all, you liked the new clinic?’

 

“I love it, Minnie.  I hope every appointment is filled with adventure and stress.”

 

“What the hell?”

 

“Then I can self medicate on the way home.”

 

Wolf

Saturday? or Caturday?

After a rough week, Saturday at last!

Sleep in!

Wrong.

My internal alarm rings at 5am.

The cats are hungry.

I feed them.

They don’t like the food.

Half pint walks to the door.

I open it.

It’s raining.

He cries.

Stop the rain, please.

He won’t go out.

Back to the kitchen.

Feed me.

I try another can of cat food.

Nope.

Back to the door.

Crying.

I need coffee.

I made it last night.

It is way too strong.

I should know better to make coffee when I am half in the bag.

I am wired.

Time to get rolling.

Hair dresser.

I have very short hair.

The gal asks me how I want it cut.

Hey, what do you think? Do I have many choices here?

Off to the grocery store.

It’s pouring.

I am soaking wet wandering around the store, half blind.

I forgot my glasses.

I am hungry.

I get the groceries and walk to the front door.

It is still raining.

I won’t go out.

Have I turned into my cat?

I venture out in the rain.

I am wet and so are the groceries.

Geez, what else do I have to do?

The gas station, the beer store, the pharmacy, the wine store, and the bank.

Finally home.

Now to carry all this stuff inside.

Did I mention it was raining?

Wet again.

The cats are waiting.

Guess what?

Hungry.

Can’t I have a beer and relax first, guys?

Beer is luke warm.

They don’t care.

I feed them.

They don’t like the food.

Half Pint goes to the door.

Yes, raining.

He won’t go out.

I make a ham and cheese sandwich.

Guess what?

The cats like ham.

They are sleeping now.

I am hungry.

I go to the door, thinking about a trip to the pub for dinner.

It’s raining.

I won’t go out.

To hell with it.

Move over guys, let’s take a nap and start again tomorrow.

Wolf

Willie Nelson Rocks

Saturday night, Autumn Years Rest Home:

“Well, Wolf, are you ready to go?”

“Where?”

“To Musikfest. Let’s go.”

“Oh, no thanks, Minnie, I am staying home.”

“What? You wait all year for the fest. What the hell?”

“Yeah, well, I am waiting for an important call. You go ahead.”

“I cannot believe this. I am really appalled. What call?”

“From Ed McMahon. I entered the sweepstakes and Ed is traveling to the winner tonight.”

“Ed? Hell, Wolf, he is dead.”

“No way. I just saw him on TV with Johnny what’s his name.”

“Johnny Carson? He died too.”

“What are you talking about? I watched his show today and Lucille Ball was his guest.”

“Lucy is dead too.”

“No way. I heard she was 100 today.”

“She would have been, if she had lived, but she died, you idiot.”

“You don’t understand Minnie. I just watched the show. Johnny had Dennis Hopper, Bob Hope and Paul Newman as guests. They were great!”

“Wolf, Wolf, Wolf, you really need to get a grip. You were watching a rerun. All those people are dead.”

“And he had Willie Nelson on, too.”

“Well, I guess you got me there. Willie is still alive.”

“Are you sure Minnie? He didn’t look too good. And he was smoking some strange cigarette.”

“Weed, Wolf, weed.”

“Yeah, I thought so. Anyway, I walked down to 9th street and got me some of that weed, girl friend. And I am in for the night.”

“You mean to say that you are not going tonight?”

“Let’s put it this way: If Ed and Johnny and Dennis and Paul and Luci only took a lesson from Willie, they would all be alive today.”

“Please!”

“You go ahead, girl. AMC has a wild night planned: The Doors, Elvis in Hawaii, The life and death of Anna Nicole and the Truth about Michael Jackson.”

“You are a sick woman, Wolf. All those people burned out from drugs.”

“Any of them from weed?”

“Well…”

“I didn’t think so. Let the world take a lesson from Willie. Stoned on weed? We all know it. Do we care? No way. His talent is unique. And we love him. So, go for it, Willie. Just remember to pay your taxes.”

Wolf