Good bye friends. It’s been a hoot.

Hello, hello, hello: is there anyone out there?

Not hearing a reply, I ate 420 cashews.

Can you believe that my thirst is insatiable?

As I slink around the area, searching for a watering hole, I stumble upon a bar.

Yes, Tom Selleck is there.

He has a wife.

WTF?

He buys me a drink.

Yes, he wants me.

Who wouldn’t?

Let me tell you about me.
I am a young, gorgeous, and bat shit crazy.

Ok, I lied.

The young and gorgeous stuff?  BS

I vow to change my life style.

Just wait.

Tomorrow?

The next day?

Don’t count on it.

I am on a mission.

The Chicken Butt is turning over a new butt.

Look for me at the  Allentown library, the United Nations and the white house.

Well, ok,  if all else fails, see you at the bar.

If not, I will be a drone.

And I will zap all the flies in my path.

I will miss you.

Hope you all have a wonderful life!

xoxoooxoxo

Wolf

 

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The Back Room Solution

A thought or two on a rainy, cold, damp day in October.

What the hell is this?

A fruit fly is invading my privacy tonight.

I am eating a swiss cheese burger, with perogies, and drinking a  cold Coors, after feeding the kitties, when a pesty fruit fly decides to invade my space.

Geez that is irritating.

I reach for my zapper, waiting for the little critter to cross my path.

Nothing happens.

I put the zapper down.

He’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

I am not amused.

I think about the day.

It was also, not very amusing.

Well, except for the wiener.

Yes, the wiener.

You see, when one of my co workers decides to go on a rant, or say something offensive, that person gets the weenie on their desk….. until the next person acts up.

It is our teams’ way of doing balances and checks.

Act like an idiot, you get the wiener.

Say something out of line, the weenie is on your desk.

Curse?  Oh my, my, oh hell yes, you get the wiener.

I love to see that weenie make the rounds.

You see, we all have our moments, but when the weenie speaks, well….. let’s face it:  You acted over the top.

So tonight, I wish I had that weenie.

This fruit fly is not only over the top, he is hovering around my beer.

When I reach for the zapper, he is gone.

So I laid the zapper on the chair.

And guess what?

I heard it go off!

Zap!

Karma is a crazy thing.

Go looking for it, and it doesn’t happen.

Lay back and eat a perogie, and zap!  gone.

See you tomorrow, in the back room.

And remember: The weenie is watching.

 

Wolf

 

3 days of the chicken condor

Ever go on a wild ride?

For 3 days?

And emerge slightly damaged, mostly silly and almost ridiculous?

Welcome.

It happens.

When it does, I have a few suggestions:

  1.  Go with it.
  2. Let it happen.
  3. Throw caution to the wind.
  4. Embrace spontaneity.
  5. Listen and talk to everyone.   Enjoy the diversity.  You just might make new friends.
  6. Forget about how you may come across.  Just be you.
  7. Be open, engaging and non judgmental.
  8. Share laughter.
  9. Listen.  Everyone has something special to say.
  10. Live for the moment…. and moments.  They are unforgettable

Not every weekend is wild.

Not every day is crazy.

No one can party all the time.

Unless, of course, you happen to be a chicken butt.

 

Wolf

The incident

“Are you feeling ok, Wolf?  You look pretty awful.”

 

“Pretty awful is an oxymoron.   And you are a moron.  And not one bit pretty.”

 

“Excuse me.  What’s wrong with you?”

 

“I have a headache.  I’ve had it ever since the incident last night.”

 

“What incident?”

 

“Never mind, Minnie.  It’s a private matter.”

 

“What?”

 

“In other words, none of your beeswax.  I had an incident, that’s all.”

 

“Wait a minute.  I saw you last night and you were perfectly normal. Ooops, another oxymoron.  You have never been normal.”

 

“Yeah, well, the incident happened at 3 am.  And that is all I am going to say about it.”

 

“What were you doing at 3am that could possibly cause an incident?  You must have been dreaming.”

 

“Hey, what do you think I would be doing at 3am?  I had to pee.  That’s all I am gonna say.”

 

“You really should take a lesson from the dogs of the world, and pee before you go to bed.”

 

“Shut up Minnie.  I did.  But somehow the beer I drank took 5 hours to dwindle down to my bladder.”

 

“No!  You didn’t!  You were dreaming that you were peeing and you peed in the bed?”

 

“No, but I probably should have.”

 

“What the hell?”

 

“All right, Miss busy body.  I got up to pee, but I was disoriented and wobbly.  I sat down and missed the toilet and fell on the floor.”

 

“Hahhahahaha.  You fell off the toilet?”

 

“It’s not funny.  I tried to get up and fell again.”

 

“You missed it twice?  Nobody misses a toilet twice.”

 

“Shut your front door, Minnie.  There I was, a bladder full of beer, on the floor, flopping around like a beached whale.   But I am a trooper.  They say the 3rd time is a charm. When the going gets tough, the tough get going.  And I had to go in the worst way.”

 

“May I assume your 3rd attempt was successful?”

 

“You can assume anything you like.  That’s all I am gonna say.  I’ve said too much.  I haven’t said enough.  There I was, me in the corner…… losing my….”

 

“Don’t go there Wolf.  I’ve heard enough.  Are you sure you weren’t just dreaming?”

 

“Yeah.  That was just a dream, just a dream.”

 

“I guess I will keep on eye on you tonight, but I don’t know if I can do it.”

 

“Don’t be silly.  I am not going to have that incident again tonight.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yes, smarty pants.”

 

“How do you figure that?  You’ve had several blue moons.”

 

“I am sleeping in the bathroom.”

 

 

Wolf

 

When in doubt, mumble

“Hey Minnie, how’s it going?”

 

“What?”

 

“I said how’s it going?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Why do you always say what or huh?  I think it is just a habit.  You know very well what I asked you.”

 

“What?    You know I can’t hear you when you mumble.”

 

“I was not mumbling.  I spoke very clearly, succinctly, coherently.  I asked you a simple question, and you pretend you can’t hear me and start with the mumbling routine.  It’s getting old.”

 

“Yes, you are.”

 

“I am what?”

 

“Getting old, and  you do mumble.  Lately, the mumbling has exacerbated.   You really should have it checked.”

 

“If I exacerbate, you masterbate.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“You heard me distinctly.”

 

“Did you say I elaborate?”

 

“Hey, what’s that in your ears?  Cotton balls?  What the hell?”

 

“Huh?  I can’t hear you when you mumble.  You know I have cotton balls in my ears.”

 

“Why?  What’s wrong with your ears?”

 

“What?  Did you mumble something about my ears?  If you must know, I put a paper clip in them and now they hurt.  So I put extra virgin olive oil in them, and it kept leaking.  Hence, the cotton balls.”

 

“I swear you have a death wish, you idiot.  Paper clips.  For crazy.  This was a deliberate action on your part to do harm to yourself.   How does it feel to be leaking oil and stuffed with balls?”

 

“Did you say your balls are leaking Wolf?”

 

“Yeah, that’s it.  My balls are leaking.  I am surprised you heard that.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Cuz I was mumbling.”

 

Wolf

Oh to be a kid again

“I see you are wearing that panda hat again.”

 

“Yup. I wore it to breakfast and then to the grocery store.  You would not believe the number of people who comment on it, and then they walk over to me and pet the damn thing.”

 

“You wear that hat to get attention, don’t you?”

 

“Absolutely not.  I wear it because I like it, and it keeps me warm.  Besides, I get a kick out of being petted.”

 

“I don’t know of any other elderly woman who would wear a kid’s hat like that, and get away with it. You know, it makes you look preposterous.”

 

“Yeah?  Well, on a typical day at the grocery store, without the panda, no one smiles or is happy.  The panda shocks people into reality, and…..”

 

“Reality?  It might shock people, but not the way you think.  They probably can’t believe that you have the balls to wear it.”

 

“Actually, Minnie, I like it so much that I bought another one, just in case this one gets lost or stolen.”

 

“You have to be kidding.  Lost or stolen?  I am surprised you didn’t insure the damn thing.”

 

“I have an idea.  Let’s go out tomorrow, for a drink on St. Patty’s day.  You can wear my new panda and I will wear the old one.”

 

“No way, Wolf.  I am far too refined for that kind of nonsense.”

 

“Come on Minnie.  I dare you.  I double dare you.”

 

“You’re starting to say kid stuff since you’ve been wearing that hat.  Double dare?  I haven’t heard that in 45 years.”

 

“If you don’t take my dare, I will not trade my green marble for your steely.”

 

“I swear you are insane, Wolf.”

 

“Hey, is that a twinkie you’re eating?  I’ll give you my peanut butter sandwich for one of your twinkies.”

 

“Knock it off Wolf.”

 

“Ollie Ollie Oxen free.”

 

“That’s it.  The hat has made you mad.  The hat has to go.”

 

“As Dr. Seuss would say:  Minnie, I mean Alice, I am a mad hatter.”

 

“That’s not what he said.”

 

“Is too.”

 

“Is not.”

 

“Is too.”

 

“Look, Wolf, sticks and stones will break my bones.”

 

“What the hell Minnie?  You’re talking kid stuff.  I knew it.  You’ve been sneaking around, wearing my hat, haven’t you?”

 

 

Wolf

Advice and Council

“Wolf, do you ever get bored?”

“Only when you ask ridiculous questions, Minnie.”

“Seriously, I think I am bored. I have cabin fever. I need warm weather. Winter is getting on my nerves.”

“Then take a vacation from winter. Think warm thoughts. Put on a bikini and pretend you are in Aruba. Eat a pineapple. Take a warm bubble bath. Smoke weed.”

“What’s weed got to do with anything?”

“If you tried it, you would know. However, getting back to your quasi vacation, put on some Ho music…..”

“Ho? What the hell? Weed, now Ho?”

“Don Ho, you idiot. Think Hawaiian. Turn on the oven full blast and stick your head in it.”

“Not funny, Wolf. Here I am, losing my mind, going crazy over this never ending winter, asking for your council and advice, and you are making feeble jokes.”

“Have a glass of malbec, Minnie. I just opened a bottle. I am warm as toast and I couldn’t care less if it is 20 degrees outside or 100 degrees. Winter is only a state of mind.”

“Irregardless…”

“Stop. There is no such word. It is regardless. Get it? Always regardless, never irregardless.”

“Excuse me, Miss Know it All, just what do you mean winter is a state of mind?”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s winter or summer. You just go with it. Adapt. Enjoy. See the beauty in the four seasons.”

“Well, in my opinion, there are three seasons that I prefer over winter.”

“I hate to mention it, Minnie, but that is a sign of old age. Old people don’t like winter. They move to Florida, where it is so steamy, they stay inside year round. Just think of the cabin fever they must have.”

“You think you always have an answer to everything, don’t you Wolf? Have I told you lately that you are a pain in the ass?”

“Lately? More like every day.”

“Well, you are, and I still don’t like winter, irregardless of what you say.”

“Cheer up Minnie. I will continue to be a pain in the ass, even in the summer. And you will continue to abuse the king’s English even when winter has ended.”

“Some things never change, do they Wolf?”

“Are you kidding? Of course they do. That’s why I am moving to Colorado.”

Wolf

Who is Ross Perot?

“No more bathroom humor tonight, ok, Wolf?”

“Not so fast Minnie. I had to do it. I needed an outhouse, I mean, an outlet. After all, it is Friday and we all need a sprinkle of levity to end the week.”

“What the hell did you do now?”

“I took some of those flimsy paper towels that have a remarkable resemblance to toilet paper, and stuffed the top in the waist of my pants. There was a glorious cascade of paper streaming from the back of my waist to my knees. And then I started the parade.”

“And you call yourself a professional? How tacky is that?”

“Yes, Minnie. Tacky, but hilariously funny. I laughed all day just thinking about my walk through the office. What to my wondering eyes did appear, but an idiot with toilet paper, hanging from her rear.”

“That is so obnoxious, Wolf. Do you think you will ever grow up?”

“And then, I told everyone that I would be going to the mall tonight, and like Waltzing Matilda, would stroll through the aisles, with one slight modification. The same theme, but I would add a pair of panty hose, dragging behind me, from the bottom of my jeans.”

“You know what Wolf? You really should consider getting a lobotomy. There is something seriously wrong with your brain waves.”

“Ok, Minnie. On a serious note, it was the longest afternoon ever. Just like the movie, The Day of the Cougar.”

“That’s condor, you idiot. Not cougar.”

“Get real, girl. Condors are an endangered species. Cougars have replaced all the major predatory groups of the animal world.”

“I have heard that the great white sharks are now on the endangered species list. If you hunt the great whites, you will be prosecuted.”

“Yeah. The sharks and the condors thought they were invincible. Cougars, on the other hand, hunkered down, stalked their prey and flew under the radar.”

“Cougars? Are we talking about the animal kingdom?”

“Do you remember that old TV show, Mutual of Omaha wild kingdom?”

“Sure. Why?”

“Marlon or Myron Perkins, or whatever the hell his name was, had a wonderful show. But then that underwater guy took over. Was it Jacque Perot?”

“Perot? That was the other idiot. The guy who ran for president.”

“If I recall, his name was Ross, right?”

“Right. What about him?”

“He lost. Actually, he withdrew his nomination. He had no choice.”

“What’s that got to do with animals?”

“The condor, the shark and Ross would still be in contention, if only they had….”

“What?”

“Swallowed their pride, stuck the toilet paper in their hind ends, and bonded with their peers.”

“What’s the moral of this story, Wolf?

“Don’t take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. And above all, be ridiculous, crazy and wild.”

“Life is a serious business, Wolf. How can you say this?”

“People may not remember the condor, the shark or Ross, Minnie, but they will remember the day that the crazy cougar wore toilet paper.”

Wolf

Knock knock, who’s there?

“What are you laughing about Wolf?”

“A needs to go the B. She walks up to the restroom, opens the door, and screams.”

“What?”

“The B is occupied.”

“Who is in the B?”

“C.”

What the hell?”

“A walks back to her desk embarrassed. We all wait to see who walks out of the restroom. It’s C.”

“C?”

“Yeah, C. I figured that A got a glimpse of what C really has to offer, so I approached A and said, “Uhm, did you see anything?”

“That is disgusting.”

“A says, “No. I didn’t see anything.” I wink at her and say, “Come on. Does he really have 12 inches?”

“Why do you do these things?”

“A says, “I didn’t see anything, really, I didn’t. I say, “How about the next time we have a meeting and you and C are in the same room. Will you be able to look at him without thinking about the B incident?”

“You really need to see a therapist, Wolf.”

“A continues to deny seeing anything. Being the persistent and diligent person that I am, I approach A at various times of the day, and say, “I know you did. You saw it. Didn’t you?”

“Did you ask C about it?”

“Not yet. But I know what he will say.”

“What?”

“That I have it all wrong. It’s not 12 inches. It’s 18.”

“Oh for crazy. He must be delusional.”

“Actually, I think he left the B unlocked on purpose. He wanted someone to walk in and verify his wild claims of virility.”

“So, do you think A really did see something? And if so, what?”

“I like to think of it in terms of an equation. If A _ B (C) = 18 +/- X = C.”

“Ok Einstein, just what does that mean?”

“Very simply put Minnie: don’t use the unisex B unless you are the postman.”

“Huh?”

“The postman always rings twice.”

Wolf

There’s a blue moon in my eye

“Well, was it any better today?”

“Than what, Minnie?”

“Yesterday?”

“Ahhh. Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.”

“Not another night of puzzling quotes. Say it isn’t so.”

“You should not ask questions that provoke my ilk.”

“Ilk? I swear you have no social skills. What the hell are you talking about?”

“Do you know how many words end in ilk? Milk, bilk, silk, and of course, ilk.”

“Ok, Wolf. Getting back to reality, how was your day?”

“I had a rather uneventful day, until I left the bar. I had not realized that the weather had turned quite nasty. You know Minnie, those weather people are consistently wrong. They said rain was on the horizon. Wrong again. The sleet was ferocious.”

“You really should monitor the weather Wolf. You constantly put yourself in harm’s way.”

“I have decided, Minnie, that the weather should have no bearing on my decisions. To drink or not to drink, that is the question.”

“Since when was not to drink the question?”

“I woke up this morning, and got myself a gun.”

“No, Wolf. The Sopranos are no longer on TV. Everyone knows Tony got whacked. Furthermore, there’s a blue moon in your eye.”

“Naw. That’s just a floater. Anyway, Minnie. Tomorrow is Wednesday.”

“Brilliant Wolf. Just amazing that you continue to know the days of the week.”

“Did you know that the Chinese have signs for every year? This is the year of the snake. I have signs for the days of the week.”

“Sure you do.”

“Monday is the day of Miller high light. Tuesday, the day of tequila. Wednesday, the wild and wacky day of wine, or for old hippies, weed. Thursday, the the thirstiest day of the week, is open to the beverage of your choice, and Friday, the best day of all: Free for all. Fire in the hole.”

“What about Saturday and Sunday? I suppose that is Sangria.”

“No way, Minnie. I hate sweet endings to the week. Suck, swizzle and swoon over Shiraz.”

“Isn’t there a day you don’t think about drinking?”

“Well, I am on the fence about Wednesday. Should I or shouldn’t I?”

“You mean wine? That is powerful. Congratulations, Wolf. Wednesday must be your day of reckoning.”

“Yeah. I am torn.”

“Between what?”

“Do I want to wake up with a hang over? Or the possibility of a pee test?”

“You aren’t going there, Wolf, are you?”

“Yeah. I think I am. Hey Minnie, the next time you pee, can you save it?”

Wolf