Where is Williamsport?

Monday morning at the Autumn Hills Rest Home

“Well, now what? The Little League World Series is over for another year.”

“Sad, isn’t it? We all enjoyed the games so much.”

“Hey, next year, let’s go to Williamsport and watch the games.”

“Where is Williamsport? In Virginia?”

“No, you idiot, it’s in Pennsylvania.”

“Hmmm. Wonder where in Pennsy?”

“Yea, Pennsylvania only has 3 cities: Pittsburgh, Philly and Harrisburg. The rest of it is all Amish.”

“What about Gettysburg? That’s in Pennsylvania.”

“That was bombed out during the war.”

“What war? Not the civil war. They didn’t have bombs then.”

“Well, you know what I mean.”

“My cousin lives in PA, in Scranton.”

“Is he Amish?”

“Gee, I really don’t know. I haven’t heard from him in years.”

“That’s because he has no telephone. No electricity, no car, just a horse and buggy.”

“But boy, can they cook. I stopped once in Lancaster and had the best meal.”

“Like what? What did you eat?”

“Well, it was a large restaurant and they had a tremendous buffet, with all kinds of wonderful food, and the best desserts.”

“No kidding. Let’s go there instead. Where is that in Pennsy?”

“I’m not sure. But it was in Amish country.”

“Big help that is. Pennsylvania is a big state. How are we gonna find that restaurant?”

“Is it near Williamsport?”

“I don’t have the foggiest idea. I thought Williamsport was in Ohio.”

“So much for that idea. We better stay here and watch the series on TV.”

“Yea, we might get lost in Amish country, eating, and with no electricity, we couldn’t even see the game.”

“Such a shame. A big state like that, and no TV.”



“Our rooms are getting a little messy. Why don’t we have a yard sale and clear out the clutter?”

“Ok. Let me see what I can get rid of.”

“Let’s all get 2 items we want to put in the sale and meet back here at 5pm.”

“Well, here we are. 5 o’clock. Let’s see what we have.”

“You first, Minnie.”

“Sure. I am going to sell my pink robe and my garnet ring.”

“What? I love that pink robe. I’ll trade you for my blue robe.”

“Great! It’s a deal.”

“Wait a minute. Your garnet ring? How about swapping it for my pearl ring?”

“Super. I always wanted a pearl ring.”

“What about you Gloria?”

“I have an extra TV, so I am gonna sell the small one. And I am tired of my quilt, so that is going too.”

“Hey, I need a TV. Want to exchange it for a micro wave?”

“Perfect. I don’t have a micro wave.”

“And I need a quilt, I really do. I have an electric blanket I was gonna sell. Want to trade?”

“Oh my gosh, yes! I planned to buy one with the money I got from the quilt.”

“Hey George, what about those cowboy boots? Are they a size 10?”

“Yup. I’ll give them to you, if I can have that hat.”

“Hey, you know what? Let’s forget about that yard sale. This is more fun.”

“Ya. Hey Frank, I have a 7 foot stuffed bear. What you got?”


The last dance

“What in the world is wrong with George? He says he is tired of living and ready to give it up.”

“Ah, who knows? George is a pessimist.”

“No, he isn’t. He is just tired of being old, and not having anything to look forward to.”

“Don’t start with that. We all are old, and getting older. So that is a very poor excuse. I mean, old age is part of the movie.”

“The movie? Come on. You are ridiculous, with that movie stuff. That went out with the Sopranos.”

“No, it didn’t. Seniors are in the mature phase of living.”

“And it sucks.”

“Speak for yourself. I happen to enjoy my golden years.”

“Why? You are confined to a wheel chair, have an oxygen tank, and can’t eat worth a damn.”

“So? Am I complaining?”

“You should be. You are a mess.”

“Let’s put it this way. I lived my life. I went to school, got a degree, had several very interesting jobs, fell in love, got married, had children, grandchildren, great grands, and am in a wonderful home, with all kinds of friends.”

“Yes, you really did have a great run.”

“And it isn’t over yet. Not until the fat lady sings.”

“Don’t tell George that. I heard Diane singing today. And she is a grocery hound.”

“Hey, let’s all sing.”

“Yea, hey, George, get on that piano. Play us some memories.”

“If you knew Susie…….”

“George, that was great. How about another?”

“You are my sunshine……”

“Geez, that brings back memories.”

“Can I make a request?”

“Ok, what would you like, Diane?”

” How about this one. Peggy Lee sang it. I think it was: Is that all there is?”

“Diane, you idiot. Go back to eating.”

“Go eat an apple pie, you goof.”


I want mine rare

“Well, I see you went shopping for groceries today. How come?”

“I knew the home was having meatloaf tonight and I want steak.”

“Excuse me!! So, how do you plan to fix a steak? And to eat it in front of all of us meatloaf eaters?”

“I got a little grill, table top. And it was on sale, 50% off.”

“Ok, so did you get charcoal?”

“Yea, I did.”

“And you really are gonna grill that steak? And not expect all of us to want a bite?”

“I didn’t think about that.”

“You better go back to the market and get steaks for all of us.”

“You know I can’t afford that.”

“Well, I will take up a collection. How’s that? Anyone who wants steak, can chip in, let’s say $7.00 each.”

“All right. But hurry up. I am starving.”

“Here. $140 smackers. 20 of us will be waiting.”

“Hey, here she comes, with the steaks.”

“I want mine rare.”

“I can’t eat it unless you make mine well done.”

“I don’t want a burnt steak. So, make mine medium.”

“Can I have mushrooms with mine?”

“Ok, she is serving them now. Super!”

“Great idea! These are delicious.”

“Hey, how come you aren’t eating with us?”

“I have to grill mine now.”

“Ooops, the dog next door just took off with your steak.”

“Are you serious? Oh noooooo!”

“So sorry!. We enjoyed our steaks so much, but don’t worry, there is plenty of meatloaf left.”


And the Winner is….

“Hey, did you hear? Minnie won tickets to see Bob Dylan at the county fair. They drew her name on the radio.”

“Bob Dylan? Is he still around? I thought he retired. Or went home to Minnesota.”

“Naw, he is still singing.”

“Is that what you call it? I’m sorry, but I don’t call that singing.”

“I would rather see Anne Murray.”

“Not me, I prefer Frank Sinatra.”

“Come on guys, Frank’s gone, Anne is, well, she is not around either, as far as I know. So, let’s congratulate Minnie.”

“Here she comes now.”

“Hey Lucky! So, you are going to see the old boy at the fair. Nice!”

“Yes, I thought I would take my grand daughter, but she said she doesn’t know who Bob Dylan is. Can you imagine?”

“So who are you taking?”

“Well, I don’t want to play favorites, so I thought I would hold a raffle. You know, a dollar a chance.”

“Oh. A dollar? Well, count me out. I wouldn’t go to see him if he paid me a dollar.”

“Me either. He is a has been.”

“As far as I’m concerned, he never was.”

“He is too boring for me. Just stands around and talks, and pretends he is singing.”

“Ok. I won’t charge a dollar. Just put your name in a hat and I will pull out the winner.”

“Now you’re talking.”

“Yes! I hope I win. I love that old boy.”

“I’m in.”

“C‘mon, pull my name, Minnie. I’m his biggest fan.”



“What’s wrong with you, Laura?”

“Nothing. Just a little depressed, I guess.”

“How come?”

“Well, Frank was supposed to go to the dollar store with me today, but he was all choked up over his cat.”

“Not Fifi? Oh no. That cat is his pride and joy.”

“Yes, Fifi is not eating. Just lays outside, under the deck. Won’t even drink water.”

“Did he take Fifi to the vet?”

“Not yet. He just watches the cat, hoping she will eat. Brings her food and water, and stays by her side, while Fifi sleeps in a ball, all curled up.”

“Good thing Fifi has a few pounds on her. She is one fat cat.”

“Not anymore. Frank says her sides are caving in.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“This is the third day for Fifi, no food, no water.”

“Hey, wait a minute. Isn’t that Fifi walking around, by her food dish?”

“Why it is!! Call Frank, right now. Fifi is back inside, and laying by the food dish.”

“Frank! Frank! Fifi is walking around, looking for food.”

“Oh my God, there she is, drinking water.”

“I see Frank now, petting Fifi.”

“Yikes. Fifi just bit Frank.”

“Hurry up. Bring her a dish of Fancy Feast.”

“Look at that. She is drinking the gravy.”

“She never did like the food, only the juice.”

“Frank smiled. Fifi bit him and he smiled. What’s up with that?”


“That damn cat. She is always tormenting me. I wonder sometimes why I even bother with her. I have half a mind to return her to the cat shelter.”

“So does this mean we can go to the dollar store tomorrow?”

“Of course. I don’t give a damn about this cat.”


The Conference Call

“Hello? Yes.”

“Yes, Steve, here.”

“Huh? Uhm, no I…I….”

“Sure, ok, I …..”

“But, wait….”

“Yes, I realize that.”

“Well, technically, it was late.”

“But. But. But.”

“Yes, of course, yes, I know, but.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interupt.”

“I can tell you……”

“Yes, Sir, I know Sir.”

“I did promise the customer that I would….”

“No, I know I did it. I am so sorry.”

“Well, I guess it was my fault, but…”

“Yes, I do know better, but.”

“No, I won’t do it again.”

“I apologize.”

“Yes, good call. We all learned a good lesson.”

“Thank you.”


“Hey, Steve, another conference call, eh?”

“Yea, another conference call.”

“So, when do they take you out back and shoot you?”


The Phone Call

“Look, Ms Barkley, I understand your concern. But I am on vacation, and asked that you not call me except for an emergency. And finding a bird with a broken wing is not exactly what I had in mind.”

“You are the so-called Director of this home, right? And you did leave your cell phone number, in case we needed you, right? Well, I need you.”

“Ms Barkley, Ms Barkley, Ms Barkley. Please. There is nothing I can do for you. I am in the Bahamas, on vacation.”

“You mean to say that you are not going to help? I have a distressed creature here. And I cannot believe that you would dismiss this as trivial. This is your responsibility, you know. When we have a concern, we expect your help.”

“Ms Barkley, there are millions, maybe billions of birds in this world. They fly around all time. Some of them do run into problems. It happens.”

“Well, there is now one who can’t fly. And something has to be done.”

“Just what do you think I can do? Tell me, Ms Barkley, what?”

“If I knew that, do you think I would call you? You are the Director, and you need to tell me. I am not in charge here.”

“I am sorry, but I have to go now. Please, Ms Barkley, try to understand that I cannot help you or the bird.”

“No, I will never understand this callous attitude. If you were suffering with a broken wing, you might feel differently about this.”

“What do you want me to do? Fly back to the Home and take care of the bird? I mean, isn’t that a little unrealistic?”

“Yes, that would be fine. Leave immediately, and let me know if you need a ride from the airport. But hurry.”

“Wait! I didn’t say I would …..”



Chopped Liver

Sunday at the Autumn Years Rest Home

“Where have you been? We are through with lunch and starting on our dessert.”

“I called my sis. She just moved into a new rest home that makes this place look sick.”

“Why? What makes it so great?”

“Yeah, are you unhappy or something? Are you trying to make us feel miserable again?”

“Well, get this: She has a movie theatre right in the home. And if you have company, there are rooms they can rent for $45 a night, completely furnished. And she doesn’t have to pay for high speed internet.”

“So? We have a TV that plays movies. And nobody here wants any overnight company, or we would have stayed in our homes. And don’t even mention internet connections. The only one who is computer literate is George, and he has turned into an internet junkie. Never goes out or anything. He is a mess.”

“So, if you think the other home is better, move out. See if we care.”

“I am not saying that I want to move out. I just wanted to tell you about it.”

“No you didn’t. You wanted us to feel like we are chopped liver.”

“Well, I apologize. I thought you might be interested.”

“OK. Now, just one comment. What’s the movie theatre like?”


Not with you, I won’t

“We didn’t get a newspaper today.”

“Nuts. Now what? We can’t discuss the news.”

“No problem. Let’s talk about what is happening here.”

“George had a date last night, with the new gal, Gloria.”

“Where did they go?”

“Nowhere They stayed here, and watched Rambo.”

“That is not a date. We all watched Rambo.”

“But I saw him sitting next to her, on the couch, and he brought her a bowl of popcorn.”

“Big deal. He brought us all popcorn.”

“Ya, it’s not like he proposed or anything.”

“Well, the way I figure it, he is smitten.”

“You are crazy. George is a dyed in the wool bachelor.”

“Are you sure of this? I am supposed to go with George tomorrow to church. No way am I gonna go with a two timing wolf.”

“Right. Don’t even bother with that masher.”

“Thank you for letting me know. Wait til I see him. I will give him a piece of my mind.”

“Here he comes now, that no good skirt chaser.”

“George, if you think for one moment that I will be going to church with you tomorrow, you can kiss that thought goodbye.”


“I would rather go to an Eagles’ game and watch that dog killer than go to church with you.”