Friends, forever

“Have you ever met someone, Wolf, and it just clicked?  Friends forever?”


“Most people take awhile to warm up to me, Minnie.  For some reason, they don’t know if I am an escapee from the nut house or a harmless bar fly.”


“You escaped from the nut house?  I thought you were released.”


“SHhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Not too many people know about that, Minnie. If you recall, I admitted myself.  It was 1983.  A lovely, sunny day, in Omaha, Nebraska.  There I was, at work, not able to concentrate on anything.  I knew I has lost what little was left of my mind, so I called for a Doctor appointment.  Now, I had been to this neurologist before, and we did not hit it off.  He told me I was a lunatic, delusional, and a general train wreck. So I really don’t know why I called him again.  However, he was off that day, and another doctor saw me. Luckily, this one accepted my lunacy as a symptom of craziness, and asked me if I would like to go “in” for a rest.”


“In?  In what?”


“The nut house.  And there I remained until they kicked me out, 36 days later, screaming and kicking.”


“You mean you weren’t cured?”


“No.  I didn’t want to leave.  I grew quite fond of my cuckoo’s nest buddies.  They were the only people who readily accepted me on sight, as normal.”


“You left the crazy world, to change your life into a bar fly?”


“Exactly. Once again, the flies at the bar accept me for who or what I am.  We have grown quite close to one another.  At closing time, we all leave screaming and kicking.”


“Seems like a pattern is emerging, here, Wolf.   Do you really think this is normal behavior?  And do you keep in touch with these people?  For life?”


“Hell, no, Minnie.  I don’t even know their names.”






Cat on a hot tin roof

“I got to the liquor store today, toting my wine carrier bag.   At checkout, I put the bag on the counter, and the guy said, ‘Uhm, there appears to be something already in this bag.'”


“Now what?”


“He pulled out a pair of my panties, Minnie.  He held them up to show me, along with the other 20 people in line.”


“How embarrassing.”


“Being the cool cucumber, that I am, I said, ‘Let me see those panties.  Nope.  Not mine.  These panties are huge.  Do I look like those panties would fit me?  Let me turn around.  Do these jeans make my butt look big?'”


“He said, ‘Wait.  There is something else in this bag.  What the hell?  Sex toys.'”


“Oh for crazy.”


“I said, ‘yes, sex toys. My cat is in heat and she needs these to relieve her symptoms.  I am tired of climbing a ladder to retrieve her ass off the hot tin roof.'”


“I hope that’s the end of the story.  Did you get your wine and make a hasty exit?”


“Well, he made a big deal out of the panties and the toys and asked the waiting customers if they believed this hog wash.”


“Did they?”


“Hell no.  Most of them were half in the bag anyway.  One of them said, ‘Hey, how much for the toys?'”


“So, you sold them?”


“No.  I said, 20 bucks, but you have to take those enormous bloomers, I mean panties, or no deal.”


“Why did you have to bring up the panties?  You could have discreetly stuffed them in your pocket, sold those toys and walked away with a few bottles of wine.”


“I considered that until the guy pulled out another object.”


“Oh no.”


“Yeah.  Damn.  It was a bag of weed.  I wondered where the hell I put that.”


“For dumb!”


“By that time, Minnie, I held an auction:  The toys, weed and panties:  $50 bucks, or best offer.”


“Did you get any takers?”


“Yeah.  But someone reported me to the authorities for selling an illegal and obscene object.”


“What?  The sex toys or the weed?”


“No, you idiot, those gigantic panties.”






Goal setting

“Oh shoot, I have to set my goals for the year.”


“That should be a piece of cake for you, Wolf.  Anything would be an improvement.”


“Shut up Minnie.  I think I will start with the seating arrangement.  I need to sit by Jasmine.”


“Quit relying on Jas to save your incompetent ass.  Her plate is full.”


“No, Minnie. She orders breakfast for the office.  I could not survive without her.”


“Oh for crazy!”


“Now, looking at my career path, there is something sadly missing.  I have been at the same company, with the same account, for the past 10 years.  I need to get a promotion, Minnie.  After all, at my age, I could be working at least another 2 or 3 months, before I am at a mandatory retirement age.  I think I will apply for a managerial position.”


“You can’t even manage yourself.”


“Shut up Minnie. If I got promoted, it would be a hell of a run.  Think of the possibilities.  I am a visionary.  My mission statement:  If you can’t pass a drug test, you better share, or your ass is grass.  And if you are hungry, see Jasmine.”


“Any other goals, Wolf?”


“Let’s see.  I need to set a personal goal, a spectacular one, at that.  How’s this?  I will go back to school, and get my BS degree.”


“Why?  You probably won’t live long enough to see that come to fruition.”


“So who cares?  Does anyone ever really accomplish the goals they set each year?  I look at my goals for last year and I think:  What the hell?  What was I smoking?  I barely survived.  So now what?”


“What are your real goals for this year, Wolf?  Be honest.”


“I have five goals, Minnie.


1.  To enjoy every day, whatever it brings.


2.  To respect, acknowledge and appreciate others.


3.  To learn something new everyday.


4.  To laugh, and have fun.”


5.  To appreciate the wonder of this life, spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually.”


“Not acceptable, Wolf. Those goals are not quantifiable.  Don’t you realize that the goals you set in the business world have to meet certain criteria? What does any of this contribute to the bottom line?”


“I really can’t say, for certain.  But this year, for once, I am not going to set goals that mean absolutely nothing to me.  I am not going to look at those goals a year later, like they were written by someone else.  I have reached  the age when I don’t care what anyone else thinks. These are my goals.  And that’s that.”


“Are you delusional?  Or just naïve?  Are you suggesting that business results are based on personal character, teamwork,  growth and relationships?”


“Yeah.  I am a delusional idiot, Minnie, so let’s call it a night.  I might not meet last year’s goals, whatever they were, but look out world.  I intend to kick butt.”





I might be tied up at the 711

“Hey, Minnie.  What’s up these days with Ben Clooney?”


“You mean George?  George Clooney?”‘


“No. Ben.  That hunk a hunk of burning love.   If you talk to him, don’t tell him I said this, but I miss that goof.  Remember the night we had dinner together?  He was the only rose in a sea of thorns.  I was half in the bag, but whenever he spoke, I stopped my ramblings to focus my attention on him, and ordered another drink.   There is something about an amazing hunk that rattles my bones.”


“Yes, I observed that.  And guess what?  He wants to have dinner with us, once again, in May.  Are you up for it?”


“Of course, I am.  Unless, of course, I am tied up at the 711.”


“You know, don’t you Wolf, that Ben is married with children and dogs.  He has absolutely no interest in anyone but me.  He calls me every day.  When was the last time he called you?”


“Well, he sent me an email a few months ago.  And asked me where the hell his order was.  That is a sure sign of soul mating.  So what if I couldn’t find his order. I responded immediately.  “Hey Benny!  So!  What’s shaking?  Kansas City, Kansas City, here I come.”


“Yeah, he mentioned that.  He said you sent him an obscene email, and he unfriended you.”


“Story of my life, Minnie.  Just when I think I have it wrapped, I am reminded that my gorgeous good looks and outstanding personality are just too much for these men.”


“Uhmm… Ben has a message for you.”





“He wants to know where his order is.”




I emerged as a plucked chicken

“Well, Minnie, I was almost a statistic today.  I wore my groundhog coat and went out for a walk, in the lovely spring like weather of 10 degrees.  Suddenly, a shot rang out.  I clutched my chest.  My life flashed before me.  I fell to the ground.  I was alone. What a way to die, in a ground hog coat, alone, in the parking lot.  Another shot.  I crawled to the door.  I forgot my badge.  Locked out, shot in the heart, in the parking lot, in a groundhog coat.”


“Yeah?  You seem to be somewhat alive tonight.  Did you rise from the dead?  Or are you just a figment of my imagination?”


“It was a miracle.  The door sprang open, unannounced.  It was a group of customers, visiting the facility.  They saw me writhing on the ground and I vaguely remember one of them saying, “It’s Phil, that damn ground hog. Has anyone got a gun?”

“Oh for crazy.”


“I knew it was curtains for me, Minnie, so I dived into one of the pot holes and played dead.  The geese were back and starting pecking at my coat.  They ate most of it and I emerged, looking like a plucked chicken.  I found my badge and as I opened the door, I heard the geese gagging from the hair balls.  It was lunch time, but I had no appetite.  I tried to sneak back to my desk, wearing a half eaten groundhog coat.  I figured if I got down on my knees and crawled back, no one would notice me.  However, I was sadly mistaken.  It was just my luck that there was a rally point meeting going on as I slithered by.  I got an occurrence for missing the meeting and for not adhering to the dress code.  I am now on final warning for abusing wild life and impersonating an endangered species.”


“Yeah, ok, Wolf.  So how was your day?”


“Not bad, Minnie.  Quite ordinary, actually.  I love my job.”




Lost treasures

“Tears, Wolf?  Why?”


“Don’t be silly.  I don’t cry.”


“What happened?”


“The snow got in my eyes.”


“It quit snowing.”


“Then it was the wind. That’s it.  The wind got in my eyes.”


“It’s not windy.”


“It will be.”


“So, what’s wrong?”


“I lost something today.”




“A few treasures, that’s all.”


“Treasures?  I didn’t know you cried over lost treasures.  You have never been materialistic.”
“These treasures were different.  They were so special that they made me special, silly and alive.  Now they are gone.”


“So, move on, and replace them.”


“Some treasures can’t be replaced.  But you never realize it until they are gone.  By then, it is too late.   I never even got to say goodbye.”


“Is that why you are crying, Wolf? ”


“Crying?  I don’t cry.  It must be the clouds in my eyes.”





“What a wonderful day, Minnie.  It flew by.  I truly believe I am addicted to adrenalin.”


“You mean stress, don’t you Wolf?  You thrive on chaos, the impossible and the insane.”


“People say that stress is a killer, but I think it is a keeper.  Have you ever had a day without stress?  A boring, lazy day when your thoughts turn to the Tahitian beaches, or to curling up in a down blanket with a dozen cats?  You know, just chilling out and forgetting about deadlines, irate customers and unpaid bills?  Slipping into the comfort of a good book, eating bonbons and watching the cob webs hang from the ceiling?  You start to feel the aches and pains that accompany old age.  And you say to yourself:  Hey, I have paid my dues.  Leave me alone.”


“Isn’t that what we all strive for, Wolf? A comfortable life, without having to rise at dawn, to face another day of problems?  And for what?  To collect a pay check?


“I hear that all the time.  If only I could retire.  If only I could just quit this job and do what I want.  If only….”


“There comes a time, Wolf, when you will realize that a job is a job is a job.   And when you leave, in a few months, will anyone remember your name?  Why don’t you just give it up and live the good life?”


“I have been to Tahiti, Minnie. I have curled up in a down comforter with the cats.  I see the cobwebs, and I smile.  I have aches and pains, and yes, I have paid my dues.  I love books and you know I have a weakness for bonbons, but there is something about working that keeps me young.”


“The fountain of youth?  Is that what you are seeking?”


“Hey, Minnie, if I want to work, and still enjoy it, isn’t that enough?”


“It’s not normal, Wolf.  Nobody wants that.   I mean, who enjoys working?    Most of us can’t wait to get the heck out.”


“I had a wonderful day, Minnie.  It flew by.  I am addicted to adrenalin.  And now, that the day has ended,  I am going to get in my jammies, and hope tomorrow is as wild and crazy as today was.  I love crazy.”


“Will you ever grow up, Wolf?”


“I might. But when I do, I might get a part time job.”



2 elephants escaped from the circus

“Geez, I just heard that 2 elephants escaped from the circus.”


“I bet they will be hard to spot, eh Minnie?  Unless, of course, they were wearing disguises.”


“It’s not funny, Wolf.”


“Maybe the other elephants will see them running the streets and decide to join them.  You know, break on through to the other side.”


“Elephants need to be caged Wolf.  Just like birds and dogs and all those other beasts.  We can’t allow wild animals to roam the streets.”


“Yeah.  There ought to be a law that says all birds must be in a cage or they will fly away.   And if you have a dog, don’t let him loose to run and play.  Very dangerous, dogs are.”


“Besides, why do we even have elephants in this country?”


“For our amusement, Minnie.   We train them to dance and wear skirts, while a circus lady rides on them.”


“Well, that’s where they belong:  in the circus, caged.  Or at least on a leash, so they can be controlled.”


“Come on Minnie.  Don’t you ever want to break free of your leash?”


“What do you mean?  I don’t have a leash.  I don’t need controlling.  Only animals need a leash.  I value my freedom.”


“Hmmm.  Thinking about it, I wonder why those 2 ungrateful elephants escaped from the circus?”




Which is it that does the writing? You? or the booze?

“You writing again, Wolf?  What about now?”


“Strange, that you should ask that.  I am uninspired.  I have nothing to say.  I have writer’s block.  I usually just start writing and it flows.  Not tonight.”


“Maybe it’s because the wine hasn’t been flowing tonight.  You are stone sober, and boring as hell.  It seems the only time you can write is when you are half looped.  So, which is it that does the writing?  You? or the booze?”


“Ok, smarty pants.  Put a bottle of hooch in front of this computer and see if it starts writing.”


“Your writing is chemically induced, Wolf:  polluted, tainted and deadly.”


“Deadly?  I like that.  Wolf’s deadly daily blog.  Read it and beware.  Side effects may include the following:  severe flatulence, which may become uncontrollable.  An insatiable urge to drink one’s self  into oblivion, which could result in falling off the toilet.  Repeated calls to 911 to report a maniac on the loose.  Or worse, you may like it, and  immediately take yourself out back to shoot yourself.  Enter at your own risk.”


“Can’t you put a disclaimer on your blog?  Something like “This blog is so stupid, please do not read it unless you are an idiot.  And if you don’t know if you are an idiot, you probably are.”


“There’s nothing wrong with being an idiot, Minnie.  I rely on the kindness of idiots.”


“Has anyone ever said they like your blog, Wolf?  It’s been 6 years now, and I bet you don’t have one “like.”


“Shut up, Minnie.  Fame and fortune don’t happen overnight.  As Hiliary says, ‘It takes a village.'”


“Oh for crazy.”


“What?  She did!”


“Yup.  And I guess she was right.  It does take a village… idiot.”





Common bond

“What is it you really admire in others, Wolf?”


“Unconditional acceptance.”


“Of who you are?”


“Me, you, everyone.  Let people be who they are, respect and celebrate our differences, yet find a common bond.”


“But not everyone has your best interest at heart.”


“Yeah, so what?  You rarely find someone who thinks exactly the way you do, or who agrees with everything you say or do.  We are all striving to survive, in one way or another.  When we have the opportunity to acknowledge another, do it.  Take an interest in everyone.  You will be amazed at what lies beyond the obvious.”


“Not everyone is interesting, Wolf.  Haven’t you ever been alone with someone and you have nothing to say?”


“Not that I can recall.  I find it difficult to break away from most people.  Sometimes, the silent ones have the most to say.”


“How do you break the ice, Wolf?  What’s it take to get to know people?”


“Please, Minnie. People are people, all over the world.  We are all basically the same.  Our interests may be different, but who can resist a kind word, a smile and a sense of humor?”


“Were you Pollyanna in a previous life?  Or Mary Poppins?  It’s a dog eat dog, world, Wolf.  You should know that.  You work in customer service, and you must get complaints all day long.”


“Oh you mean those angry, hateful people who call me to rip me a new one?   I must admit, most of those people are now my buddies.  They call me because they know I may not be able to change anything, but I sure as hell will listen, and take the sword for them.  Problems can often be turned into our best learning experiences.  And if we work together, there is always a solution.  I guess that is why I still love working.  It gives me the opportunity to get to know more people, and to find that elusive common bond.”


“Do you think anyone really admires you Wolf?”


“I hope not, Minnie.  Who admires an aging bar fly who wears animal hats, with a laugh that resembles a hyena?  Not to mention, a disruptive and obnoxious influence in the work place. I don’t seek admiration for me.  But if you want to buy me a drink, hey, why not?”