Cold eggs

The new guy at the home showed up at breakfast wearing a suit and tie. He made his way to every table, shaking our hands, and introducing himself as Willie. We were cordial and welcomed him and made a few remarks about being overdressed. Willie just smiled and said, “I like to look nice. I believe that a good day starts out with looking good.”

Willie asked the group if he could say grace. He stood in the front of the room and asked us to bow our heads. When he finished, we thought he would sit down, but no such luck. Willie wanted us to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. We all stood up and faced the flag, and did as he said. Then he asked for one more thing: Could we please sing the Star Spangled Banner? Before we could answer, Willie was at the piano, singing and playing, and we all joined in.

By this time, our eggs were getting cold, so we sat down to eat. Well, forget it. Not with Willie around. He brought out a bag of labels, and asked us to pass them around. Could we please write our name on the label and wear them, so he could get to know us better? We cooperated and attached our labels, and asked Willie if he thought we should eat, before our breakfast got cold.

Never ask Willie anything. He grabbed a microphone and started a tirade about the starving people in some foreign place. He had a slide projector and started showing us pictures of emaciated kids. He rattled on about the selfishness of the world, and how we had it in our power to change these conditions.

Betty spoke up and called Willie a showboat. Frank told him he was a candy ass, and a dandy. And Norma, well, she called him a nincompoop. George told Willie to sit down and shut up, and that the good people of this home were having breakfast, and that he was not going to ruin it for us. After all, Seniors love their food.

We never did see Willie again. We heard that he had been kicked out of several other homes, for being a nuisance and a blabber mouth. Once in awhile, someone will mention the Willie incident, and we all laugh.

The lesson to be learned: When you come into someone’s home, you should respect those that live there, and who enjoy their daily routine. And never trust anyone who wears a suit to breakfast.


Harvey and Darla

When Darla came into the dining room, at the Autumn Years Rest Home, it was lunch time. She was wearing her pajamas and a robe. This is not acceptable. Everyone has to be dressed to eat lunch.

She sat at a table by herself, in the back, and seemed to be in a trance. She did not go through the line, to choose her lunch, which consisted of either a chef’s salad or a Salisbury steak, with mashed potatoes and peas. The clock was ticking. She had 10 minutes to get in line for her food, but she made no attempt to get her lunch.

Being the nosy Seniors that we are, Minnie and I approached her table.
We got a whiff of Darla, and retreated. The smell of bourbon was overwhelming. We noticed that Darla had a flask in her hand. It was a silver flask in the shape of an elephant. Darla was drinking from the trunk.

Frank went over to her table and asked her if anything was wrong. She bleated. I mean, bleated, just like an elephant. Frank told her she better be careful as the elephant hunters might find her and bag her.

Darla stopped bleating for a moment and said: “Bag? Are you insin, insis, insisiating, that I am a bag?”

Frank shook his head and said, “My dear, I didn’t say that. But now that you mention it, you could be. But you most certainly are at least half in the bag.”

This incident created quite a stir in the dining room. By now, at least 25 of us were crowded around Darla’s table, watching her drink from the silver elephant, bleating.

And then she rose from the table, with her elephant and said, “Come on Harvey, we are going to my room.”

Harvey? Who was Harvey?

With glassy eyes, Darla said, “Harvey is my telephant, I mean, my pelatant. You know what I mean.”

Darla and her elephant swayed uneasily through the room, towards the door. She fumbled with the handle, bleating. Unfortunately it was the wrong door. It was the food closet.

Undaunted, Darla and Harvey closed the door behind them. They stayed in there until dinner time. We were gathered in the dining room, eating, with one eye on the food closet door, when it opened, and out came Harvey and Darla.

They walked to the food line and Darla ordered a hamburger and fries. The two of them sat at the back table. Darla only ate half of her burger. She walked back up to the food line, and asked for an elephant bag. Then she and Harvey walked out of the dining room…. Bleating.