Home at last

“All right. I know you are getting tired of my trip stories, so this is it, my last story. GG drove me over to Duluth, and up to my sister’s house. I insisted she come in. My sis Gabby and her husband Mike were waiting for me. They had been waiting for 2 weeks, and were surprised that I had made it. They were sure I must have croaked on the way to Minnesota. I insisted GG come in to meet them. She took one look at Mike and said, “Hey Mike, Hon, how the heck are you ? I have not seen you lately.” Mike was all flushed and perspiring and said, “Gee, I don’t think I know you. You must have me confused with someone else.” GG said, “I had been hoping to run into you. You left your wallet at the motel the other night” Well, Gabby put two and two together and ordered Mike and GG out of the house. She was wild. I sure as hell didn’t want to stay there, so I jumped back in GG’s taxi and left Mike standing out in the cold.”

“You have got to be kidding.”

“GG drove me to the airport and I got a ticket back to Pennsylvania. The plane stopped in Detroit and I went to the bar to have a few snorts and guess who I ran into? The German tourists. They welcomed me like old friends and were chatting up a storm, in German, of course, and I couldn’t understand a word of what they were saying. My plane was ready to board, so once again, I said, Ich Ben Ein Berliner, and took off. And here I am.”

“Wolf, you better stay put for awhile. You create chaos wherever you go.”

“Yea, yea yea. Don’t worry, I have no plans to go anywhere, at least not until spring.”

“Then what?”

“GG wants me to come up to Wisconsin to go to a some kind of a drag race or drag something.”

“Oh my God!”

Wolf

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Not you again

“The accident?”

“Yup. We were crossing the bridge and passed a terrible accident: a bus and a semi had collided. Being the nosy people we are, we turned around to see what had happened. The people on the bus were shook up something fierce. They were walking around looking at the demolished front end of the bus, and waiting for a lawyer to show up so they could sue the bus company. The driver of the semi was fine but mad as hell.”

“Wolf, you are a walking accident. I swear.”

“GG and I were talking to the people from the bus and I asked if the bus driver was alright. One of the guys said, “Who cares? That idiot damn near killed us. He is the world’s worst bus driver.” I knew right away who was driving that bus. It was him!!!”

“Him? Him who?”

“That same driver who left me stranded and hit the RV. And sure enough, there he was, standing there, arguing with the semi driver. I just had to hear what his excuse was, so I walked up to him and just stared at him. He looked at me and said, “Not you again. What the hell? You were on the bus? Why are you following me around, jinxing me?”

“He remembered you!”

“Oh yes. I was ready to wallop him, when GG intervened. The driver took one look at her and said, “Well, hello there.” And GG just smiled and said, “How you doing Hon?” Well, to make a long story short, the police took a report and GG offered to give the driver a ride home. So we headed back to Superior, to the bar, and started partying.”

“You what? What the hell?”

“Yes, and it seems he is not such a bad guy after all. GG took a shining to him right away. And he is one hell of a story teller. I could not believe all the bus accidents this guy has had. We laughed until I almost peed my pants. So back I went to the room, while those 2 carried on at the bar. I guess the police had lost track of me, cuz I slept all night, until GG knocked twice. I told her, “Listen, girl, I have to get to Duluth tomorrow.” She agreed and said she would make sure I would get there first thing in the morning.”

“Thank God. You made it then, the next day?”

“Well……”

To be continued…..

The flat tire

“Hey Minnie! I guess you are waiting to hear what happened after GG got the flat tire, right?”

“Yes!”

“I heard this thump and GG swerved the taxi and I thought we had hit someone or something, but it was just a flat. Too bad neither GG nor I is mechanically inclined. We had never changed a tire in our lives. But that isn’t to say we didn’t try. GG jumped out to look at the tire and I climbed out of the back seat to supervise. GG said, ‘Now what’ and I said, “Gee GG, I don’t know. So we got to laughing and sat around for an hour or so, until GG had a brilliant idea. He got a bag out of the trunk and changed into his glamorous personae, along with the blonde wig and all that jazz. Then she stood by the tire and waited. And guess what? The next car to pass us screeched to a halt and a young man got out and asked if GG needed help.”

“Good grief.”

“Well, to make a long story short, this kid changed the tire and he and GG exchanged phone numbers and we were off again. There she was, a gorgeous blonde dish driving me and the taxi back to Superior. When we arrived, she said she better quit for the day, so we went back to our old haunt and started the movie.”

“What movie?”

“You idiot. The movie never ends. You know, same old same old.”

“I had a pocketful of money from the jackpot, and bought the house several drinks, and had a blast. About 11 that night, I was getting wobbly again, so GG gives me her key and I went back to her room. I was just about asleep when I hear a knock on the door. Not 2 knocks, just one, so I knew it wasn’t GG. I tiptoed up to the door and took a peek out of the peep hole and to my utter surprise, the cops were there. I opened the door and they arrested me for soliciting prostitution.”

“What?????”

“Can you imagine? Me? A prostitute? A 70 something broken down old coot like me? Well, I was hauled into the police station and spent the night there, until GG came in the next morning and bailed me out. We laughed about it and GG thanked me for taking the rap. I suddenly remembered that I was due to show up in Duluth 2 weeks ago, and I better get going. GG asked me if I needed a ride. It was the least she could do for me, she said, so I accepted. That’s when the accident happened.”

To be continued……

The cab driver

Breakfast at the Autumn Years Rest Home:

“We have been waiting to find out who was driving the cab, Wolf.”

“Oh, yes, well. I was out in the cold, literally. I had to wait outside, as you know. All because of the audacity of the Casino. Anyway, the taxi showed up, I hopped in, and the driver said, “Where to Hon?” I thought I recognized that husky voice. I said, “What? Sorry, I didn’t get that.” The driver turned around and said, “Where are we going, Hon?” I was removing my scarf and hat and the driver slammed on the brakes, and said, “Wolf? Is that you?”

“How could he know you? That has to be the biggest fabrication….”

“No. Wait. We stared at each other for a minute, and I was trying to place this man, when I looked at his identification picture in the front of the cab. His name was George G. Gunderson. GG!!!!”

“What the hell?”

“Yes. GG was a man. Well, she was a man during the day, I guess. And then he or she turned into GG , the glamour girl at night.”

“Oh my!”

“So I said, ‘GG, you son of a gun.’” And he replied, “Wolfie. How in the world did you get out here? I thought you were on your way to Duluth.” Well, we had a few laughs and I thanked him/her for letting me stay in his motel for the night and we caught up on old times.”

“Caught up on old times? You had just met the uhm person the night before.”’

“Yea, but there are some people you just bond with. You know what I mean? Well, anyway, I didn’t want to embarrass GG but I was curious as hell about his or her double life, so I said, “GG. You are a very handsome guy, but I must say, you are a bombshell of a woman.” He laughed and said, “Thanks Hon.” And that’s when he got the flat tire.”

To be continued……

Jackpot!

“Hey everyone, getting tired of my trip stories yet?”

“No, keep going.”

“OK. I had no luggage, and was in Superior, Wisconsin, and was getting a tad bit tired of the local scene. So I decided to go somewhere else for the day. There was a casino bus loading in the parking lot and I hopped on. We were going to an Indian Reservation down the road a spell, and I was excited. Why not have some fun while I was waiting for a bridge to get repaired? The drive took about an hour and a half and the casino was pretty small, but packed. I sat down at a poker machine and started playing. A woman next to me dropped a quarter on the floor. I bent down to pick it up and she moved her hand over to my machine, and was trying to steal some of my quarters. I said to her, “Uhmmm, excuse me, but this is not public property.” She became flustered and moved away. Then some guy sat down and he dropped a roll of quarters. I had learned my lesson, and said to him, “Oh no you don’t. I am not picking up your quarters, so you can take mine.” He became upset and asked me what my problem was. He called a pit boss or whatever they are called and reported me for accusing him of being a thief. We started arguing and the guy took a swing at me. The people in the casino were appalled, that a guy would try to fight with an old bag like me. I swung back, and knocked him flat. We were both asked to leave.”

“Not again Wolf, What the hell is the matter with you?”

“Me? Look. It isn’t my fault that these idiots are attracted to me. They hang on me all the time, and I have to defend myself.”

“Can’t you just try to avoid these confrontations?”

“Well, this guy and I were thrown out and were sitting on a bench in front of the casino, together, in January, freezing. We were trying to avoid any eye contact, but I finally broke the ice, so to speak, and asked him if he had always been a woman beater, and that set him off again. We were throwing punches at one another when the police showed up and broke up the fight. They told us to stop the nonsense immediately or we would be put in jail. Being of mindless reasoning, I asked them if we could go back into the casino, if we promised not to fight. After much deliberation, the casino pitt boss allowed us to go back in.”

“I hope you learned your lesson.”

“Me? He, you mean. I am the victim, remember? Anyway, I sat down at another machine and after a few minutes, the woman next to me hit a jackpot. She jumped up and asked me to claim it for her. I was surprised but thought she was giving me a gift, so I sat in her chair and pretended I had won. I collected $1220. Then the woman said, “thanks, hand it over.” I said, “No way! You asked me to claim it.” She said, “Yes, but I didn’t mean for you to keep it. I didn’t want to give them my identity, since I am not 18 years old.”

“Huh?”

“Yes, she was an illegal. Gambling under age. I told her she was lucky I had been there to collect or she would be thrown out for sure, and no one would have gotten the jackpot. And in my generosity, I would give her $220. Well, she was very upset and started to fight with me. That’s when the same pitt boss came over and said, “That’s it. Out. And do not come back. Ever.”

“Oh not again.”

“Yes, but with my extra $1000 I called a taxi to drive the hour and a half back to Superior. And guess who was driving the cab?”

To be continued

My new friend Gigi

“Continuing on…. Gigi was sitting next to me, at the bar. She was a large girl, dressed in bling, and had long blonde hair. Even though it was January, she was wearing a mini skirt and 4 inch heels. She was friendly enough and asked me if I needed help. I asked her what made her think that I needed assistance, and she said, “Well, hon, it isn’t often that I see a lady like you in here. And to be perfectly frank, Hon, you seem a little out of it.” I thanked her for her concern, but told her I was fine. She insisted that we take a booth as she was afraid I would fall off the bar stool. She helped me to the booth, and we struck up a friendship. Gigi told me she was in business for herself. She was also into astrology and some hobby she called bondage. She had a husky voice, and I asked her if she was a smoker. She winked and asked me if I wanted a joint. I thought she meant a hotel room, and I said that I really should get one. She told me no problem, and to follow her into the ladies room.”

“What the hell?”

“I went with her and she lit up a cigarette and passed it to me. Being a good sport, I smoked the damn thing and started giggling. I don’t know what was so funny, but whatever it was, it was hilarious. We went back to the booth and I asked her where I could get a “joint” for the night. She laughed and said, “Don’t worry Hon, I will make sure you get one for the night.” I relaxed a little and ordered another martini. A few guys strolled over to our booth and got real chummy with Gigi. She seemed to know them, and excused herself, saying she would be back in a half hour or so. When she came back, I was playing the juke box and dancing, with myself, of course. She laughed and said she was so happy to see that I was enjoying myself. When we ordered another drink, I asked her what kind of business she ran and she said, “Personal assistant.” Being a little confused, I said, “Like what kind of assistance?” She winked and said, “What did you have in mind?” I didn’t really understand her answer, so I just giggled and said, “Well, about now, I am getting a little tired and am thinking about getting a joint, and crashing.” She frowned and said, “Look Hon, you can’t be serious. I mean, you aren’t thinking about overdosing are you?”

“What did she mean?”

“Who knows? She was just being silly, I guess. So I asked her if she had the phone number for a motel, to see if I could get a room, and she said she had one rented for the night, and that I could use it if I wanted to. I thanked her and she said, “It is next door. Here’s the key, Hon. When I need to come in, I will knock 2 times, and you can let me in.”

“I went over to the room and fell on one of the 2 beds and dozed off. I heard the knock on the door, and crawled over and opened it. Gigi was there with a guy. I fell asleep again, after listening to them laughing and carrying on, and when I woke up, they were gone. It was 6am and I thought I better get going. I left Gigi a thank you note, and told her that I had had a wonderful time, and I appreciated her taking care of me. I called a taxi and gave him my sister’s address in Duluth. He said, “Sorry, but not today. The bridge got hit by a coast guard ice cutter and it is closed for repairs.”

“Oh no.”

“Yup, so I decided to spend another day in bar city.”

To be continued

Heavy foot in mouth

“Ok gang. You sure you are ready for another round of the trip from hell?”

“Yes, go for it.”

“Where was I? Oh yes, the bus from Ashland, Wisconsin. The driver must have been new. He had a heavy foot, that’s for sure. He was passing everything in the road, while we were screaming and holding on to our seats. Eventually the idiot slammed on his breaks behind a slow moving RV, and hit it. Talk about a mess. We had to give our statements to the police and several people said they were hurt, and went by ambulance to the hospital. I really don’t think they were injured, they just wanted to get away from that nutball of a driver. The bus was not badly damaged, so we took off again with the same wild driver. We got as far as Superior, Wisconsin, and he made a stop at a restaurant. I got off, thinking we could at least get a cup of coffee. While I was deciding on whether I should get a caramel roll or a glazed doughnut, the idiot driver took off, without me.”

“You have got to be kidding.”

“Not hardly. I was stranded again. But at least this time I had hot coffee and caramel rolls. I had a leisurely snack, and called the bus company. They said I should not have left the bus and were generally unsympathetic. I was concerned about my luggage, and they said I could pick it up in Duluth. I said, “OK, but how do I get there?” They more or less told me it was my problem. Superior is not far from Duluth, only a bridge away, so I decided to take a walk around town and when I was ready, I would call a taxi. I strolled around and took in the sights, and got hungry again. Superior is known for having more bars than churches, so just about every place has a bar. I stopped at the Hammond and ordered Walleye Pike. I also ordered a few glasses of wine while I was waiting.”

“Sounds delicious!”

“I noticed a couple at the bar who looked familiar and approached them to see if I knew them. You will never guess who they were! It was the crazy bus driver and his female companion. He told me I looked familiar, but he couldn’t place me. I had had a few glasses of wine, so I was a little loosey goosey, and said, “You lunatic. You crazy assed so called bus driver! You leave old ladies stranded and hit Rvs, and you took off with my luggage. You should be ashamed of yourself, and should never be allowed to drive a bus again.” This made the guy a little angry, I guess, as he reported me to the Manager, for making a scene. The Manager intervened and asked me to return to my seat. I refused. I told him that it was my turn to terrorize this monster-driver and to give him a dose of his own medicine. I was given a choice: go to my seat or leave. I left.”

“You know Wolf, you have a knack for stirring up trouble.”

“Me? It was all his fault. Well, I left all right, but it was dark and I was slightly inebriated, so I walked to the next bar. This time I ordered a martini and a hamburger. The martini knocked me flat on my hind end. That’s when I ran into Gigi.”

“Who?”

“That’s another story.”

To be continued………

Holland to Ashland

“You all ready for the next chapter and verse?”

“Yes. What happened when you left Holland, Michigan, Wolf?”

“The bus was a charter. A bunch of German tourists, who did not speak English. They were on their way to a resort in Ashland, Wisconsin to go snowmobiling, and I hitched a ride with them. They tried to talk to me but all I could remember in German was Ich Bin Ein Berliner. They smiled at me and then looked at one another and winked. I had a few beers with them, however. I guess beer is a universal language. We arrived in Ashland at a rustic resort. There was a woman on the bus who had no room mate, so somehow, I got to stay with her. Since we could not communicate, I kept saying things louder and louder and making faces and hand gestures, like that would help.”

“Like what?”

“I would say, “DINNER- DIN-NER?” and put my hand up to my mouth like I was eating. She would smile and say, “Ya Ya.” And then she would dive into her basket and bring out some kind of smoked sausage for us to munch on. Or I would say, ARE YOU WARM ENOUGH?” And then pull a blanket up to my face. She looked puzzled and said something to me, and I repeated it louder and slower.
“ARE YOU WARM ENOUGH? HEAT?” I grabbed a pillow and put my head on it, and pulled the blanket up further. My German friend ran out of the room and summoned the desk clerk, who spoke a little German. The clerk asked me what I was trying to say. I was indignant and said, “I just wanted to see if she was warm enough.” The clerk laughed and said something to the woman. She looked relieved. I said, “What’s so funny?” The clerk said, “Well, your room mate thought you were propositioning her.” After that, I no longer tried to communicate with her.”

“Now that is a riot.”

“Oh? Not to me it wasn’t. I decided after that episode, that I would catch the next bus to Duluth. So I went to the Greyhound station and waited. And waited. And waited. There were some young boys hanging around and I had forgotten that they must speak English, so I said in a loud voice: “BUS? DULUTH? TIME? And pointed at my watch.”

I heard the boys say, “Retard!” and they ran off. The bus finally arrived and I was on my way to Minnesota.”

To be continued….

The wonder of the Northland

Wolf took a trip to Minnesota. Yes, in the height of winter. She has returned to the Autumn Years Home.

“Well, well, well, look who is back. How was your trip?”

“Don’t ask, Minnie. I am not in the mood to talk about it.”

“Aww, come on. Now you have our complete curiosity. Spill the beans.”

“You really don’t want to know.”

“That bad, eh?”

“Worse than bad. I got stuck in a snowstorm in the UP of Michigan for 4 days. The plane landed in Detroit, and I got a wild hair to take a bus trip to see Jan, in Sioux Ste Marie, before I took off for Minnesota. The bus went off the road, and we were stranded in the middle of a blizzard for 10 hours. Some knuckle head had a bottle of brandy that he shared with us and we were gassed by the time a replacement bus arrived. The roads were terrible, so we had to stay at a motel on the outskirts of Flint. The motel was a real beaut. I was surprised we had running water. I slept with my clothes on, and one eye open. It was a nightmare.”

“Wow. So did you ever get to the Sioux?”

“No. I was disgusted and took a bus back to Detroit the next day to catch a flight to Minneapolis. Well, all the flights had been cancelled, and I had to sleep in the airport. I had not changed clothes for 3 days and had eaten nothing but hot dogs and sauerkraut. Now you all know what happens when you eat sauerkraut. I was in the ladies room, when the flight finally did leave, and I missed it.”

“Oh no.”

“Yes, so once again, having an unsound mind and very little sense, I boarded a bus for the Sioux.”

“What? You must be nuts.”

“Yes, that I am. I fell asleep on the bus, and when I woke up, I was in Holland, Michigan. I had missed my stop. The bus was empty. The bus driver had not seen me sleeping. I had curled up on the back seat and somehow ended up on the floor. The driver was checking the bus before he departed and spotted me. He thought I was dead. He was checking my pulse, when I surprised him and said, “Hi.” He jumped a foot or so in the air, and gasped, “Oh my God. You’re alive.”

“You have got to be kidding.”

“Nope. So I wound up staying at another motel for the night. And then all hell broke loose. Another snow storm was howling when I woke up. And this one was a dandy. I stayed in the motel for another 2 days before I boarded a bus to Duluth.”

“So then what?”

“How much time do you have?”

“Why?”

“Another long story.”

To be continued…….

Wolf