Who gets up at 4am?

4am:  Coffee please.

430am:  Cat is hungry. What the hell?  Now he wants to go out?

5am:  Walk down the driveway with 3 bags of trash.

530am:  Get dinner ready in the crock pot.

6am: Shower, wash hair and get dressed.

630am:  Christi picking me up for work.

7am:  Pat shows up with a bagel and coffee. I resolve never to tell her to shut up again.

730am:  Last day of billing. Get it done.

8am:  Phone starts ringing.

830am:  Orders pile up.

9am:  I need a break.

930am:  Rush requests.

10am:  Is it lunch time yet? I am hungry.

1030am:  4 of 5 crazies resolve to quit.

11am:  Eating mac and cheese.  Best ever.

1130am:  Go for a walk.

12 noon:  40 more orders?  Why?

1230pm:  Pat goes to Mcd’s.  Brings me French fries. oink oink.

1pm:  More redirected orders. I have an intimate relationship with UPS.

130pm:  Co workers show up at my desk with good news.  Everything is hunky dory.

2pm:  Iglou makes coffee and carries the hot orders to pre press.

230pm:  The car dealership calls.  My car is ready.

3pm:  What?  3 o’clock already?  Only a half hour to get everything billed.

330pm:  Christi is out front.  Time to go.

4pm:  Got my car.  Hip hip hooray!

430pm: Wine store.

5pm:  Local pub. “I’m back!”

530pm:  Home again, home again, jiggity jig.

6pm:  So very happy!  Dinner is ready, and tomorrow, I am back to my routine.

The last day of September:  One of my favorite months is over. But tomorrow, well, tomorrow, I guess the cats will have to wait til 7am to eat.  And I will be back on my game.



Slightly off beat


Life without a car:

An inconvenience.

The opportunity to catch up with old friends, who cart your ass around.

A change of hours.  Yikes. It is dark at 4am.

Eating lunch at 1030am.

A few hours in the morning when the phone doesn’t ring.  Very productive.

Not being able to take a case of wine home. Thanks Beav, for going to Trader Joe’s and thinking of me.

Leaving the crazies at 330pm, at the height of craziness.

Practicing the art of patience, waiting for the dealership to get the parts.

Considering a new vehicle.  Next time: a 4 wheel drive.

Meeting new people, who take different break times.

Being slightly off beat.

Getting home so early, that I was asked:  “What the hell?  Did you get fired?”

Changing a routine can be stressful, but exhilarating.

Independence is freedom.

Freedom comes at a price.

Just ask our troops.

Let the car die.  It’s not important.

Just keep our troops and friends safe.

And make sure the liquor store delivers.









Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea

“Geez, after 4 days off, I don’t know if I can handle going back to work with those crazies.”

“Have you considered they might feel the same way?  It was probably very quiet at the office.  And normal.”

“Well, the quiet time is soon to be over.  I intend to make up for those 4 days.”

“Please, if you intend to wear those devil horns again, tomorrow, don’t get wild with that tail, and put it in the front.”

“You know, in honor of Halloween, I think we should have costume Fridays in October.  We all love Fridays and that would make it even more fun.  I wonder if Liz would go for it.”

“She puts up with enough from you, you idiot.  It’s the busy season.  There is no time for foolery and hob goblins.”

“Shut up, Minnie.  I think I might wear my dinosaur hat tomorrow.  I really look hot in it.”

“Do you realize that you have to get up early tomorrow to get a ride to work?   And walk down to the mail boxes in the dark?  Did you know that it is bow hunting season?  You will end up on the roof of a truck, with an arrow in your ass.”

“I can see it now:  Headline: Dinosaurs still roam the earth.  A local Pennsylvania hunter nailed an ancient beast, walking in a rural area, singing, ‘Puff the magic dragon.’ When interviewed, the hunter said he didn’t know that dinosaurs could talk. But this one did.”

“Oh for crazy!  What did you say?”

“Hey gorgeous, got any weed?”



An alleged kidnapping

“How did the shopping go today?”

“It was an experience, let’s just say that.”

“Come on.  Tell me.  How did you and Ed get along?”

“Well, you know, Ed can’t hear worth a damn, and he stutters all the time, so I was hollering my ass off, directing him to the 8 different places I wanted to go.”

“8?  What the hell?”

“Yeah.  Seems that Ed had no gas.  So we stopped at the gas station and I filled up his car.  Then we went to the car dealership, so I could drop off my insurance card, that I finally found.  After that, to the grocery store.”

“Was it crowded?”

“Jammed. But I hurried through the store, so old Ed wouldn’t have to wait too long. When I came out, Ed’s car was there, but no Ed.  So, I loaded up his back seat with the groceries and sat in the car, watching a guy walk his dog.  And I waited and waited.  No Ed.  I considered calling 911, to report a kidnapping, but realized that no one would kidnap Ed.  It was getting mighty hot in the car, and I knew Ed could not have gone too far, since he had no money, and can’t walk worth #%@%%.”

“What the hell?”

“A half hour later, I turned on my cell phone and tried to call him.  But he wasn’t home.”

“How could he be home? You were in his car.”

“Yeah.  No answer.  A couple walked by and said, ‘Hey, your gas cap is open.  Want me to close it?’  Shoot.  I had forgotten to shut his gas cap. Oh well, he would never know.  I waited somewhat patiently, for Ed to show up.  I considered driving his car to the next 4 places, but Ed must have taken his keys with him, where ever he went.”

“What happened to him?”

“Another half hour passed, and here comes Ed.  He was in the grocery store, riding around on one of those motorized carts, looking for me.  He said, ‘Where the hell have you been?’  I repeated his question and said, ‘right here!  Where were you?'”

“Oh for crazy.”

Anyway, 2 dollar stores, a restaurant, the wine store and the beer store, and we were on the way home, still laughing about his alleged kidnapping.”

“Dollar stores? You never go to the dollar stores.”

“Ed wanted to go.  He needed cough drops, but had no money.”

“What a riot.  Did he get them?”

“Of course.  And since I had given him a few extra bucks, he had to stop at the other dollar store, to look for bargains.”

“I see you got more wine and beer.”

“Of course.  Actually, I got a few extra bottles today, so I could sit around, have a few blasts, and toast to the shopping trip with Ed.”

“So how was your day?”

“It was a blast.  Just think, if my car hadn’t broke down, I would have missed the opportunity to get chauffeured around by Ed. However, I do have a sore throat.”

“You getting sick?”

“Hell no.  It’s from all that hollering.”




Amazing and mundane

“So you had 2 unexpected days off, eh Wolf?”

“So what?”

“Did you get your car?”

“Do you see it outside?  Of course not. And I don’t expect to get it anytime soon.”

“Well, well, well.  So you will be home this weekend.  How lovely.”

“I am going shopping tomorrow, with Ed.”

“Who the hell is Ed?”

“Never mind.  Let’s just say Ed is in for a treat.  How many people get to go shopping with the chicken butt?”

“By Sunday night, you will have cabin fever. And by Tuesday, you will be a lunatic.”

“I am already a lunatic.  But I must say, it is quite delightful to hang out and do next to nothing.  I think I have a hidden desire to be a bum.”

“It is refreshing to see you relaxed and hanging out in your pjs.  And, of course, not coming home half in the bag.”

“Why do you think I am going shopping with Ed tomorrow?  I have to replenish my supplies.”

“Just what did you do today, anyway?”

“I watched the squirrels playing in the yard, drank coffee and threw out a dozen stink bugs”

“That’s it?”

“No.  I drank most of the beer.”

“It’s a damn good thing you still work.  Can you imagine the mess you would be, if you didn’t”

“Working or not working, I enjoyed my day.  It was quite colorful.  Puff Daddy, stalking a mouse, the landscaper, weed wacking and cutting the brown grass, washing all the wine glasses, finally locating my car insurance card, and finding frozen beer in the freezer.”

“It seems that you are content, no matter what the circumstances.”

“That’s my problem.  It doesn’t matter if I am stuck at home, car-less, or working every day.  I just find life to be amazing.”

“Do you think that is normal?  To find the most mundane things to be amazing?”

“I can’t speak for you, Minnie, or for anyone else.  I had a wonderfully amazing mundane day.  By the way, look!  The squirrel is back in the yard!”



Younger is better, at least in cars and men

“I see you got into the Apothic dark last night, Wolf.”

“Yeah.  It wiped me out, Minnie.”

“Good thing your car broke down.  You never would have made it into work.”

“No word, yet, from the service department, Minnie.  I think the old buggy may have bit the dust.”

“So now what?”

“I am considering a few options.  I might sneak up to the horse farm, and ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross. To see a fine lady upon a white horse.”

“Oh for stupid.”

“Or I might hitch a ride.  You know, hitch, hitch, hitching a ride.  I see plenty of Amish horse and buggies around here. And I love to wear bonnets and maxi dresses.”

“What about a bike? That might work.”

“I have a bike in the basement.  It’s one of those pseudo bikes.  It goes nowhere, no matter how fast I pedal.”

“You haven’t been on that exercise bike since 1969.”

“I thought you were going to say, ‘We haven’t had that spirit here since 1969.'”

“Are you still tipping the Apothic wine?”

“You know, Minnie.  This is a serious issue.  I might have to stay home forever, and call the liquor store, to deliver.”

“Just what are you going to do, Wolf?”

“At this moment, I have absolutely no idea.  But being stranded is not all that bad.  I slept til 10am, wore my hello kitty robe all day, and was home, to talk to the doctor.”

“What doctor?”

“Oh, you know, my new doctor.  She called.  “Where are you?  Why haven’t you showed up for your blood test?  We are open everyday at 7am. Get your butt down here.”

“What did you tell her?”

“I told her I could not possibly take the blood test anytime soon.  I am stranded and half in the bag.”

“Oh for crazy!”

“I remember the old days, when I was a kid.  Cars were not invented yet, and my favorite beau was Abe Lincoln.  It was no big deal to be “stranded”, until of course, Abe went to the Strand Theater.”

“That was the Ford Theater, you idiot.”

“Same thing. My ride is at the Ford dealer.  And I am stranded.”

“Aren’t you the slightest bit worried?”

“Heck no.  Dying is part of life.  Not the most pleasant thing, of course, but it happens.  So, if Bessy expired, I will have to kiss her fat ass goodbye and welcome in a newer version.  I have always been an advocate of going younger.  After all, I am a cougar.”





Chicken Butt went up the hill, to fetch a glass of brew

“Hey, did you walk home or what?”

“Shut up, Minnie.  It’s a long story.”

“Where’s your car?”

“I was tooling along, about 4 miles from home, and I heard a “poof” sound.  The car stopped, right on old route 22, as I was half way up the hill.”

Stopped?  Did you run out of gas?”

“No, you idiot.  I think a squirrel got into the engine and ate it.”

“Is the squirrel ok?”

“I think I saw him running down the road, and he had a fuel pump hanging out of his mouth.”

“Oh for crazy!”

“Yeah, I called the auto club.  Got someone in a foreign country.  “Oh I am so sorry for your troubles.  I hope the rest of your night is much better.”


“Before she hung up, I managed to get a tow truck phone number from her and gave them a call.  When they answered, they wanted to know where I was.  I told them:  I was in my car.  On old route 22, in the middle of the road, stuck on a hill.  Since I could not provide any other pertinent information, they said they would cruise old 22 and eventually find me.”

“So you sat in your car, on a hill?  For how long?”

“Long enough to call the dealership, which had closed.  And to talk to 3 strangers who offered their help.  I told them I was just fine.  But thanks, anyway.  I noticed one of the strangers was a marine.  Pretty cute, too.”

“Did you wait long?”

“A lifetime.  Then Butch showed up in his tow truck.  And asked me what was wrong.  I told him the fuel pump.  He looked skeptical and said, ‘and just how do you know that’?  I told him I was an auto mechanic and knew all that kind of crap.  Anyway, he hooked up the car and dinked around and I said, ‘Hey, do I have to stay in the car or what?’  And he said, ‘No, you can ride on the roof.’  Aha!  A funny guy.  So we laughed and carried on and he said he would drive me home, take the car to the dealership and unless the car fell off the truck, that would be it.”

“What the hell?”

“Yeah. He said, ‘So where do you live?’  And I told him I really was on my way to the pub, so he could drop me off there.”

“You have to be kidding.”

“That’s what he thought, too. But, as you know, I wasn’t kidding.  Anyway, he drove me home and said he would deliver the car to the dealership for me.  I whipped out plastic, to pay him and he said, ‘Oh we don’t take cards.'”

“Where the hell did you find this towing service?”

“Luckily, I found cash in my stash and paid Butch, after he told me his life story. And as he drove out of sight, much to my delight, I heard him exclaim:  “Hey on the way back I will be passing that bar.  And guess what? I will have one for you!”




I’m home.

What the heck happened to Tuesday?

Woke up to hear that Syria was under siege.

The temp had fallen to 39 degrees.

4 bags of garbage had to be taken down the driveway.

Uncle John broke his hip.

No mushroom soup at the deli.

Erica is giving up her account?

Won $10 on the lottery.

Conference call at 2pm, while I multi tasked and had UPS on one line, an irate customer on another and still managed to stay tuned.

Snarky emails.

Jen and Hunter are having a baby.

Thought I had missed the bus, but seems I was under it.

The usual bar flies at the pub.

Shut up, Pat.

Poconos still under lock down.

Puff Daddy: in heat again.

Rush orders, rush requests, rush, rush, rush.

Didn’t go for my blood test.  Fasting is ok, but no coffee?  No way.

Feeling hyper.

Summer ended.

What happened to Tuesday?

Nothing out of the ordinary.

My adrenaline was pumping.   A wild and crazy day.

I love Tuesdays.



In the 3rd person


She went to bed early on Sunday night.

2 glasses  of wine and a thousand or so beers under her belt.

A bitter sweet Sunday night.

Aren’t all Sunday nights that way?

The last day of summer and the end of the weekend.

Her pillow was waiting.  She loves her pillow.

Turned on the TV and the AC.

White noise.  Great for snoozing.

The alarm went off at 4am.

Ooops she did it again. Why didn’t she wear her glasses when she dinked around with the clock?

Oh well, it is always nice to watch the sun come up in the morning.

2 hours and she was still waiting.

Time to head out for work.

Oh there’s the sun.  Damn.  She can’t see a thing. Never drive East to work.  Brutal.

A typical Monday awaited with its usual challenges.

So many, in fact, that the day whizzed by.

Not much time for socializing.  In fact, none.  Everyone was busy, and preoccupied.

She managed to read 3 pages of her book at lunch, and then gave it up when her phone kept ringing.

Remembering her basic philosophy, she turned on her “live in the moment” attitude.

She walked outside, and felt the brisk Autumn wind.

The equinox was approaching.

Another summer gone.

A bitter sweet Monday, saying good bye to one season, and welcoming in another.

But isn’t that what life is all about?

She drove home, West, at 5pm.  There it is again. The sun saying goodbye.

The blinding sun beckoned her into the pub.

She raised her glass, a toast to yesterday.

And had another for today.

And one more for tomorrow.

It was a bitter sweet day.





September newsletter to introduce our new HR Manager

September newsletter:

Hello all.

Welcome to fall.

Let’s have a ball.

And if you are sick, don’t call.

Just get your butt into work.

We have a new HR manager.  If you haven’t met him yet, just bring food.  And he will appear.

That brings me to the age old problem of the refrigerator.

Do you have to bring in all your groceries?  The damn thing is overloaded.  Who is eating all that food?  Please note: this excludes the HR Manager.  That man loves his groceries.

We have noticed a disturbing trend in the back room.  Ever since someone, who shall remain nameless, started the food pantry in Carl’s old cube, there is constant, continuous commotion in the pantry.  The food frenzy has given those back room crazies more reasons to bask in their dysfunctional behavior.  We are trying to get those drama queens under control, and now they are more wild than ever.  We are thinking of moving someone into that cube to stop the madness.  However, several people have threatened to quit if they are banished to the back room.  The HR manager has volunteered to move in, but only if the food pantry stays.

I hope this newsletter helped to provide a warm welcome for our new HR guy.  He is very happy to be with us.  I had the opportunity to interview him on Friday, and he only has one question:  Who’s going to Cali Burrito on Monday?  I want some fish tacos.