The Table for the Diseased

The residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home were eating breakfast. Wolf entered the dining room, with a plastic bag in her hand, along with a box of tissues and a bottle.

“What’s up Wolf?”

“Shut the hell up, Minnie. I have been sick. Stay away from me, all of you. I have a very bad cold.”

“What’s in the bottle? Wine?”

“Cough syrup, you morons. I am sick.”

“Get real, Wolf. We have had colds before. Quit complaining.”

“Not like this one. I am really sick.”

“Hey Wolf, don’t breathe on us. You are a walking disease.”

“I am only here to get some nourishment. So don’t sit by me. Don’t approach me. Don’t even talk to me. I am miserable.”

The Director of the Home entered the dining room. She had an announcement:

“Excuse me everyone. There is a very dangerous virus going around. I implore you to keep your hands clean and do not rub your eyes, nose or mouth.”

Minnie spoke up: “Gordon picks his nose. Frank rubs his eyes. And Wolf is always mouthing off. I think we should ban those three from the dining room.”

“No Minnie. No. This is not about placing blame. But I will say that Wolf ought to be confined to her room. She is looking very poorly.”

Wolf spoke up, in between blowing her nose and coughing. “Hey. I got this cold from hanging out with you retards. I resent those allegations. Am I welcome or not? If not, I refuse to pay my monthly rent. This is an abomination.”

Miss Ratcher said, “No Wolf. We are not blaming you. But you are a mess. Can we bring your meals to your room?”

“No. I refuse to eat in my room. So there. Either accept me and my disease, which I caught from someone in here, or comp my room.”

A table was set up in the back of the room, for Wolf and any others who were diseased. Wolf reluctantly sat at the table and was quickly joined by Gordon and Frank. Gordon was picking and Frank was rubbing.

And Wolf? She blew into her tissues and mouthed, “I won the lottery last night.”

The residents paraded up to the diseased table. “Wow Wolf. Congratulations! Can you loan me ….”

Wolf let out a raucous hoot. She had won 5 dollars. And she sneezed into the madding crowd.

Wolf

Who is she?

Valentine’s Day was finally here! The residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home gathered to play bingo. They were amazed at the decorations! Red balloons, white streamers and foil hearts dangled from the ceiling.

The tables were decorated with red placemats and white hearts. And on each table, sat a bottle of wine and a dish of chocolates, a box of bloomers (one size fits all), packets of ex-lax, and a box of catheters. The room was abuzz with ooooohs and aaaaaaaahs.

Wolf called Gordon to the front of the crowd. “OK. Give it up. We know you have it.”

“Have what? What are you talking about?”

“Pat’s girdle. Take it off right now and hand it over Buster.”

Gordon undressed in front of the crowd and when he realized he was wearing only his birthday suit, he streaked through the room, thus fulfilling another one of the wishes. The room screamed with laughter.

Wolf asked everyone to please welcome their special guest, a very important celebrity who was joining their party. The guest strolled up to the front of the crowd, to subdued applause.

“Who is she?”

“I don’t know. She looks familiar, but I’ll be damned if I know.”

Wolf announced: “Please welcome Ms Janet Reno.”

“Oh yeah, Janet Reno. Wasn’t she the red cross lady or something like that?”

“No, she was Bill Clinton’s ex girlfriend. He ditched her when she got old.”

Janet thanked the crowd and walked up to Frank, who was waiting for a celebrity to wine and dine him. She asked him to join her for dinner. He blushed and said he would be delighted. And then she stopped by George’s table and asked him if he would like to escort her to Philadelphia tomorrow. She would provide the transportation, meals and all expenses. George was amazed and gracefully accepted her invitation.

Now that most of the wishes had been granted, Wolf asked everyone to join her in a toast to St. Valentine. And while the group was drinking up a storm, Wolf slipped out of her clothes and streaked through the room, amidst a burst of squealing and raucous laughter.

All had been fulfilled. Or had it?

At 7pm that evening, snow fell from the sky. Laura said, “Well, Wolf, you did it again. You almost made our wishes come true. But you screwed up. It snowed.”

But no one really cared. They had enjoyed their Valentine’s party and would talk about it for weeks to come.

Wolf

10 questions

“Well tomorrow is V day. Are we ready, Wolf?”

“Yeah, I guess so. Let the games begin.”

“Did you get the rest of the prizes?”

“Yes. Yes. Yes. No worries. Ok?”

“What celebrity did you get?”

“Nevermind Minnie. All is taken care of.”

“Come on. You can tell me. I want to know.”

“I will give you a hint, but that’s all.”

“OK.”

“This person is famous, and well known around the world.”

“Oh come on. Who?”

“Ask me 10 questions, and I will answer.”

“Is it a male?”

“No.”

“Female, then?”

“You just used up 2 questions, you goof.”

“Is this female a movie star?”

“No.”

“Shoot, why not?”

“That’s 4 questions.”

“Oh nuts. Is this female person on the news?”

“Of course. 5.”

“What news? Local or national?”

“Both. That’s 6.”

“Ok, well is this a political person?”

“Yes.”

“I know, it’s Hillary!”

“No, and that’s 8.”

“Barbara Boxer?”

“Nope. One more.”

“Is it what’s her name, the gal from Alaska?”

“Sorry Minnie. Your questions are up. If you don’t have a name, you are finished.”

“Come on. Is it?”

To be continued……

Wolf

Shopping

The first stop was Sam’s Club. Minnie and Wolf asked to speak to the manager.

“Hello. We are residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home. We are fulfilling the dreams of our family who reside there. Can you help us? We are looking for Ex lax, bloomers, cheese cake and catheters.”

“Ok. I think we can do that. And you know what? I will throw in some candy. How’s that?”

“ Thank you so very much! You are terrific!”

Next stop was the Beauty School.

“Hi. Can you come over to the Home and fix our hair? And maybe some makeovers? We would be so appreciative. And it would really be good for your business.”

“Sure. When? We will be there.”

Next stop: The Party Store.

No, they could not provide bare naked people. But they could provide clowns.

“Oh, no. No clowns. But thank you anyway.”

“Now what Wolf? Who is gonna do the butt naked thing?”

“Aw. No problem, Minnie. I think we can handle that.”

“Do you still have that old movie? Harvey? That is so funny.”

“Yes, perfect. I have it.”

The girls were exhausted. They went to the wine store and bought 18 bottles of wine. It was on sale, for $4 a bottle. When they got back to the Home, they approached Willie, the van driver.

“Hey Willie, can you come to our Valentine party? And bring some… some… you know….weed?”

“Groovy! When?”

When the girls returned to the Home, they realized they had a few things left on their list. But that didn’t deter them. They drank 4 bottles of wine, and discussed who the lucky celebrity would be.

“How about Obama? He likes Seniors.”

“Good idea. Call him.”

When the White House answered, the operator said, “What? You want to speak to the President? Who is calling?”

“Minnie and Wolf. We are his constit…constitutio…I mean… we are….”

“Sounds like you are gassed. Sorry girls, but the President is in Hawaii. Would you like to leave a message?”

“Yes. Have him call us. And the sooner the better.”

“Sure thing, ladies.”

“Hey Minnie, I feel tired. Let’s get some beauty sleep and talk tomorrow.”

Wolf

The List

Minnie and Wolf collected the secret desires of the residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home.

“Go ahead, Minnie, read them.”

“Ok. Here they are.”

1. Chocolates.

2. A bare naked woman.

3. A good poop.

4. A day without snow.

5. Money.

6. A bare naked man.

7. Wine.

8. A new catheter.

9. Someone to fix my hair…..real sexy.

10. A surprise.

11. Strawberry cheese cake.

12. Pot.

13. A good funny movie.

14. A make-over.

15. A pen pal.

16. A visit from a celebrity.

17. Pair of bloomers. Size XXXL, white.

18. Well, let’s see: I would like a desirable woman to wine and dine me, and then take me to the summit, the top. You know, the ultimate.

19. Someone to find my girdle. By the way, who stole it?

20. A trip, all expenses paid.

21. This is stupid, but here it goes: A day without bingo. Did you know that gambling is the work of the devil?

22. OK. What’s the real scoop? What is this gonna cost? I would like a decent fair game of bingo, without having to pay for it. By the way, I would like to know who put you two goofs in charge?

The two old bags went to work. “This should be a snap Minnie. I think everyone will get what they secretly desire. Ready? Let’s go shopping.”

Wolf

Secret Desires

The residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home were tired of winter. But then, who wasn’t? The winter had been exceptionally brutal and it was only February 8th.

The group gathered to discuss the plan for Valentine’s day. Wolf took the podium.

“Will you be my valentine?”

No one said a word.

“I said, who will be my valentine?”

Again, silence.

“Minnie? How about you?”

“Nope.”

“Ok. Let’s get down to business, since none of you has an ounce of sense or brains. I mean, there are guys out there just dying to meet a gorgeous woman like me.”

Give it up Wolf. You are over the hill, just like the rest of us. For this crowd, Valentine’s day is all about doing something fun. And no lovey dovey stuff.

“All right. Any suggestions?”

Gordon approached the front of the crowd: “When I was very very young, I had the best Valentine ever. She was the star of Charlie’s Angels. Yup, good old Farrah. She was nuts for me.”

Hisses and boos thundered throughout the dining room. Gordon sat down.

“I have a suggestion”, said Frank. Let’s play bingo. But not just any old bingo, Valentine bingo. The winners of the games would get candy hearts and chocolates.”

“Borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring.”

“Wait” Minnie said. “Let’s think about that. We all have our secret desires about what we would like for Valentine’s day. Here. Write down what you would like to get, if you won Bingo, and Wolf and I will go out and get the prizes. And if you win, Wow!!! You will get your secret desire.”

So it came to be, that a bingo game would fulfill the desires of the Senior Residents of the Home.

To be continued……

Wolf

Do you have a calculator?

Now that things were back to normal at the Autumn Years Rest Home, the residents got together to plan the Super Bowl party. The men wanted lots of treats, so the ladies decided to go shopping.

Minnie and Wolf stopped at the deli about an hour before game time. “I will take a quarter pound of ham, a half pound of swiss and a dozen deviled eggs.”

“That is not enough, Minnie” replied Wolf. “We have 25 people to feed. Make that 10 times whatever she ordered ok?”

The guy at the deli said, “Uhm, so what is a quarter pound x 10?”

“You figure it out, dumb bell. We are the customers. You should know what we want.”

“Uhm. Do you uhm ladies have a calculator? I flunked math.”

“Just make it snappy. Take whatever she said and multiply it by 10.”

“Well, can you wait while I get the Manager?”

“Oh for Pete’s sake. Just forget it. Do you have hoagies?”

“What kind?”

“Ham and cheese. How about 25 of them?”

“Oh boy. You want 25? Can you wait while I fix them?”

“How long will it take?”

“Uhm. Well, it takes about 12 minutes a piece. So I guess uhm, let’s say 2 hours?”

“No way! What do you have that will only take 10 minutes?”

“Can you wait while I get the Manager? I really don’t know.”

“Minnie, this kid is a real goof. Let’s get out of here.”

The Manager suddenly appeared. “Can I help you with something?”

“Yes. We have10 minutes and we want to feed 25 people. What can you do for us?”

“10 minutes? Well, do you really want my opinion?”

“Of course, what?”

“Go to Mc Donalds. They are a lot faster than we are.”

“Of all the nerve. We don’t want junk food. We want to have a Super Bowl party. Do you mean to say you can’t help us?”

“Well, let’s see. We have served hundreds of customers today, who all, might I say, placed their orders a week ago. So my suggestion is simple: go to the frozen food section and buy some TV dinners. Or go to Mcd’s.”

“You know what? You are prejudiced against old people. That’s what you are. And I intend to bring this matter to the news media. This deli is a disgrace.”

“If you can wait more than 10 minutes, we will have your hoagies for you. But it will take awhile. Take it or leave it.”

Minnie and Wolf waited and waited. It was now 7pm. They missed the kickoff. The kid at the deli was still making the hoagies and it was 730pm. They were finally ready at 8pm. They carried the hoagies back to the Home where the gang was waiting.

“What the hell took so long? We are starving. What did you get anyway?”

“Hoagies.”

“Oh no, hoagies. Why couldn’t you have gone to McD’s and picked up burgers and fries?”

Wolf

Clearing the Air

The residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home were waiting for the 2 jail birds to return. They huddled around Ms. Ratcher and Wolf and demanded to know what was going on.

Ms Ratcher began: “This has all been a terrible misunderstanding. I don’t even know where to begin, but it is over. Done. Now let’s get back to our normal life.”

Wolf spoke up, “Oh no it’s not over. Where is that screwball Minnie? Oh there you are. Are you going to apologize or what? You started all of this, and made a terrible mess of our lives.”

Before Minnie could reply, the other residents swooped down on Wolf with many of the same sentiments:

“Wolf, you started it. You are the culprit.”

“Yeah, leave Minnie alone.”

“Get real Wolf. You have this whole thing twisted up in your mind. It is over and you need to drop it.”

“Right. If you don’t drop this farce, we will vote to blackball you.”

“Exactly. Either drop it or drop out.”

Wolf was speechless, which is a downright miracle. No one can ever remember her standing in the middle of attention with nothing to say.

Minnie walked up to Wolf and said, “You know what Wolf? I am sorry.”

Wolf was amazed, and said, “Thank you Minnie. I accept your apology.”

Minnie said, “Apology? Hell no. I am sorry you are such an idiot.”

The crowd reared up and began berating the 2 feuding women.

“Enough is enough. Cut it out both of you.”

“Yes, please, let it be publicly known that you 2 are both idiots, and deserve each other.”

“Minnie, you almost ended this mess, but you had to get fresh with Wolf. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

Minnie and Wolf said, at the same time: “Idiots? Of all the nerve.”

It sounded like stereo. The 2 idiots faced one another and started to laugh. This cleared the air, well, almost. Wolf had a bad case of gas and let a few fly. The whole crowd burst into laughter.

Minnie and Wolf hugged one another. Wolf whispered in Minnie’s ear: “Hey, want to grab lunch? I hate drinking…..I mean eating alone.”

Wolf

The Deposition

Police Station: Feb 3, 2011

The Director demanded a lawyer…who demanded Wolf’s presence. There was something terribly wrong.

Wolf was picked up in a squad car. She was in her glory. Finally! She would have justice. Minnie would have to make a public apology.

The Chief of Police saw Wolf walk in and spit out his coffee. There she was, dressed in a pink sweat suit, a yellow down jacket, combat boots and a red hat….with a feather. She refused to wear her glasses, in case her photo was taken, and her eyes were caked with mascara.

“My God. It’s Tammy Faye!”

“Huh? No, but thank you. I always admired Tammy. No, I am Wolf.”

“Well, Miss Wolf. We are here to discuss the allegations you made about your Director, Miss Ratchet.”

The lawyer piped in, “That’s Ratcher. Not Ratchet.”

“Right. Ratchet. Now, Ms. Wolf did you or did you not claim that Ms. Ratchet..er Ratcher was abusing the residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Uhm, Ms Wolf, do you recall talking to the local news crew?”

“Yes, I do. I told them all about that miserable cow. How she started this whole chain of events.”

“Then it’s true, is that what you are saying?”

“Of course it is. I would not lie about things like this.”

“All right. Would you be willing to put this in writing?”

“Yes. I would. I will do that right now.”

Wolf sat down with pen and paper and wrote the following statement:

I, Wolf, swear this is true. Dated 2-3-11:

Minnie is guilty. She did all the things I said. She needs to make a public apology to me. The end.

The Police Chief read the statement and said, “Who is Minnie?”

Wolf replied, “She is that no count low down son of a gun who started all this.”

“But we are not here to discuss this Minnie person. We are here to discuss Ms. Ratchet.”

“That’s Ratcher.”

“Ms Ratcher? Why? She didn’t do anything. WTF are you talking about anyway? This is about Minnie.”

Confusion reigned. The Police Chief said, “Case dismissed.”

Wolf was outraged.

The Chief spoke to Ms. Ratcher: “I must say, you have quite a job on your hands, with people like this Wolf. Just get her the hell out of here and keep her inside and away from the Press. She is a whacko.”

The squad car returned Ms Ratcher and Wolf to the Home. Minnie was waiting……

To be continued….

Wolf

The Interview

The Autumn Years Rest Home became the center of media attention. The picketing, the conduct of the Director, and the arrests of several of the residents’ relatives had become a local scandal. News reporters were lined up in front of the Home, waiting for someone to interview.

Naturally Wolf was the first person on the scene.

“What do you make of all this commotion, Ms. Ms Ah, your name please?”

“Wolf. Ms Wolf. And it is all her fault. She started this when she refused to get the mail.”

“Who? You mean the Director? She refused to let you read your mail?”

“No, Minnie. She is a spoiled stinker. And she has created this mess. All of it. She ought to be tarred and feathered. If she was a decent human being, she would step forward and admit her guilt.”

“Minnie? Is that the Director’s first name? So you believe she is guilty then?”

“Yes, of course I do. She ran away with some fly by night she met on the internet, let him wear my panties, knocked on my door at 4am, and let the cleaning guy enter the ladies room when she knew I was in there. She is really a whack job.”

“Thank you for your comments, Ms. Wolf. Did you hear that folks? Hot off the press: the Director of this Home is a floozy who runs off with unknown men, engages in drag situations, harasses the residents at all hours of the night and lets cleaning people spy on these old folks while they are in the bathroom. And of course she has the drunk walking charge, along with aiding and abetting lewd behavior. This woman is in serious trouble.”

The local TV station ran the story that evening. The Director was picked up for questioning, for the alleged charges of abuse of her guests.

To be continued….

Wolf