Let’s move to Florida

“It’s spring! Yippee!”

“Settle down Minnie. We are getting snow tonight. So just forget about spring.”

“No way. I am so sick of winter. Let’s move Wolf. Let’s go to the Senior Retirement Home in Florida. My friend, Helga moved there last year and she says it is nirvana.”

“Oh? What does she mean? Nirvana? What’s so good about Florida?”

“Well, no snow. And warm weather. And endless golf courses. And Senior stuff. You know, all the stuff Seniors like.”

“Yeah? Well, get her on the phone. I want to hear it from her.”

“Ok. I am dialing. Helga? It’s me, Minnie. What’s up Sista?”

“Minnie, my dear. I am here, in paradise. When are you coming down? You really need to move here.”

“Oh yes, I know. I am trying to get Wolf to move down there. Here. Talk to her. Tell her what it’s like.”

“Hey Helga. Nice to meet you. So, tell me. What did you do today?”

“Oh Wolf. You would not believe how lovely it is here. We had a wonderful day. We started out with breakfast. But we had a slight delay. The lines at the local restaurant were so long, that we had to forego it, and we grabbed a banana from the local deli. And then we grabbed our golf clubs and went to one of the local courses and since we had no reservation, we had to move on, to the movie theatre. It was quite warm, so we needed to get into the AC. You know how it is, right? We Seniors love the warmth, but not the humidity.”

“Warmth? How warm is it?”

“Oh dear, we never ask how warm it is. We know if it is warm. If we are sweating our asses off, we move indoors. And believe me, we were quite moist. Any way, we had all seen the movie, Jaws, before, but we all enjoyed it. And some of us stayed for the second show.”

“What was the second show?”

“Huh? The second show was the same as the first. Jaws. Sometimes we miss the nuances of the first showing, so we pick up on the second round.”

“OK. And then?”

“Yes, and by then, it was so muggy and raining like a son of a gun, and the sirens started, you know, tornado warning, so we hightailed it back to the home and waited out the storm, until bingo started.”

“Oh yeah? And how was bingo?”

“Well, the bingo caller never showed up, and we found out that she had been in an accident, and was taken to the hospital, so we all went down to see her. But as luck would have it, God bless her soul, she died.”

“Oh my God! I am so sorry!”

“Yes, but she really should not have been driving. She was 88 years young. And she had not renewed her license. But, to be honest with you, none of us do. We just keep driving until fate intervenes.”

“So you are home now? And safe?”

“Yes, we are home and safe. But not for long. We are going back to the movies. The exterminator is coming tonight to get rid of the bugs, so we have to evacuate. We should be home by 11 or so.”

“What movie are you seeing?”

“Jaws. Our local theater only shows one movie a day. But we don’t mind. We love Jaws.”

“Well, well, well. How lovely. Enjoy the movie, Helga.”

Thank you Wolf. It was a pleasure speaking to you. #%@#% it. These ##%#@% bugs. Sorry to cut you off, dear, but I have to get out of here. Bye for now. Hurry down!!

Wolf

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The rain in Spain falls mainly …..

The residents of the Autumn Years Rest Home were in a panic. Over 4 inches of rain fell, and the winds were topping at 60 miles per hour. The roof could not stand the onslaught, and water dripped into the dining room from the ceiling.

“Hey look! We have a leak.”

“Get some bowls you goof. Let’s see if we can contain the water.”

Drip drip drip. It was maddening.

“Minnie, I can’t stand that dripping. What should we do?”

“Geez Wolf, how would I know? I am just a dummy. What do you think?”

“Well, let’s get a ladder and get up on that roof and see what’s going on.”

Wolf and Minnie climbed the ladder to the roof and walked around looking for damage. They were soaking wet and grumbling. The wind picked up and you guessed it, the ladder fell to the ground.

“Now look at what you did you idiot. You were supposed to hold that ladder. Here we are stuck up here, on the roof, with pouring rain and no way out of here. What the hell, Minnie?”

“Don’t talk to me like that you moron. It was not my idea to come up here. Why did I let you talk me into this?”

“Give it up Minnie. We have bigger fish to fry. What in the world are we gonna do? No one knows we are up here. And we have to get down. I am soaking wet……and miserable.”

“Well, look at the hole in this roof. I can see the dining room, and everyone is eating. Let’s try to get their attention.”

The girls yelled, screamed, and kicked, but no one seemed to notice.

“I know. Let’s make this hole bigger. And then we can hang down from the roof. You hold me. I will get someone to get our butts out of this mess.”

Wolf yanked out a few more shingles, and now the rain poured into the dining room. Minnie held Wolf by her feet as she dangled into the dining room ceiling.

Pat remarked, “Gee, the dripping has turned into a down pour. What the hell is happening?”

Wolf let out a shriek, “HELP! HELP! Get someone to help us.”

The residents looked up to the ceiling. Wolf was hanging head down, soaking wet. It was a frightful sight.

Minnie was overheard: “I can’t hold on much longer. I am losing my grip. Oh God. Hold on Wolf. You are going down.”

The residents gathered around the dangling Wolf and prepared for her to fall. They had made a human net. And Wolf fell into their arms.

Minnie said, “What about me? Get me out of here.”

“Jump. Just jump. We will catch you.”

Minnie doubted their ability to catch her. She said, “Just get the ladder. I am not jumping.”

The Director, Miss Ratcher walked into the dining room and screamed, “No. Do not jump. We will get the ladder and rescue you.”

Once again, the fire department showed up at the Rest Home, to rescue the drenched Minnie, and to tack up a tarp so the dripping would stop until the roof could be repaired. They took one look at Wolf and said, “Oh no, not you again. Look lady, you better cool it. You are a menace to society.”

Wolf shivered as a towel was thrown around her and said, “I beg your pardon. I am not responsible for the rain. If you recall a very good song, titled, ‘I’m no stranger to the rain’, you should be ashamed of yourselves. After all, the singer drank himself to death over the rain. That was a tragic ending. So, excuse me, but I need a ride to the sports bar. Can I hitch a ride on the fire truck?”

Wolf

Don’t call me Shirley

Having worked in customer service most of her life, Wolf was elected to make a speech at a meeting of call center supervisors. She did not know that this event was being televised across the globe. She entered the room, and said, “Oh excuse me. I must be in the wrong place. I mean all these cameras and electronic gizmos. So sorry.”

A young man of unknown ancestry spoke up: “No No. Please to come in. You are Ms Wolf, no?”

“Yes, but where are all the people? And what’s with the TV cameras?”

“Please to come in. You are most welcome. We wait for you. Our call centers have you tuned in.”

“Oh, well. All righty then. Hello everyone. I am Wolf and have been on the phone most of my life. I am here today to give you the scoop on excellent customer service. Let’s begin with the tone of your voice. You must sound like you are alive, enthusiastic and caring. This is very important.”

“Excuse, please. What does scoop mean?”

“Huh? Scoop? Who said anything about scoop?”

“You did Ms Wolf. May I call you Ms Wolf?”

“Well, that’s my name. So, surely. And don’t call me Shirley.”

“Oh no, Ms Wolf, we don’t know Shirley. We know no one with that name. Is she a friend of yours?”

“Not exactly. Anyway, getting back to tone. The customers have to believe you give a rat’s ass about them.”

“Pardon the interruption Ms Wolf. I have small doubt. Why you mention the hind quarters of a rodent?”

“What in the world are you talking about? Have you been listening to me? I am talking about tone of service. Being in the now. Listening. And caring.”

“Oh yes, Ms Wolf, I may call you Ms Wolf? We are listening but have some doubts about what you are saying. Can you help? Please?”

“With what? What don’t you get?”

“Get? Could you be more specific Ms Wolf?”

“Hey, you asked the question. I think we have a language barrier here. What time is it anyway?”

“It’s 2:30.”

“2:30? Dentist time. Get it? Tooth hurty.”

“Oh so sorry Ms Wolf. You must leave now? To see the dentist?”

“Yeah, that’s it. The dentist. And on the way back, I have an appointment with a bottle of wine. You see, I am a bar fly.”

“Not understand, Ms Wolf. Are you ill, Ms Wolf?”

“Yes, from all my years in customer service. I am a basket case. So let that be a lesson to all of you. If you stay in this career, you will end up like me. A walking disaster.”

“My my Ms Wolf. You have so many health issues. And you still came to instruct us. Thank you very much.”

“No problem. Have a nice day.”

Wolf

Sniffing Glue

The meeting was scheduled for 11am. Wolf should have been there, but was on the phone, at work. At 11:20, she noticed that there were no others working. She strolled up to the front desk, and asked the receptionist, “Hey, where is everyone? Did this place close up or what?”

Jasmine, the receptionist said. “In a meeting. In the conference room.”

Wolf checked her calendar. Oh cripes, she was supposed to be there. She was late. She opened the door to the conference room and the entire group of her co-workers was there.

“Ooops. Sorry. I was on the phone.”

Her supervisor said, “Well, well, well. Hello Wolf. So happy to see you could make it.”

Wolf slinked down in her chair and tried to figure out what the hell this meeting was all about. The supervisor was quoting the US government’s latest fiasco. Something about lead. Yes, lead.

“Now, when you create these books and you decide on the ink to be used, you must be completely sure that there is no lead present in that ink. This is to safeguard our children under the age of 12.”

Being the ultimate cynic, Wolf spoke up: “Huh? What the hell? Are the kids licking the pages? Or are they eating books now?”

The room erupted in laughter.

Wolf continued on: “If you want to see what eating or licking lead can do to you, take a look at me. I ate lead when I was a kid, and look at the mess I am.”

The Supervisor ignored the raucous laughter, and continued: “These are the requirements, blah blah blah blah blah.”

Wolf raised her hand and said: “Can I ask a question?”

“Now what Wolf?”

“For those of you who have kids, did any of them ever get sick from licking ink? I mean what the hell? Did they miss school for this ridiculous reason?”

The meeting continued, but the Supervisor was unable to gain control. The group realized what a goofy thing Congress had placed into law.

When the meeting ended, Wolf had the final word: “No wonder our government is broke. Spending money on kids licking ink. What’ s next? Kids licking the glue off of stamps?”

The Supervisor was at her wit’s end. “Yes, as a matter of fact, we must be sure that any glue that we use in bindery meets federal requirements.”

Wolf volunteered to sniff the glue to make sure it was safe.

The meeting adjourned.

Wolf

Freak Show

Pat had an announcement at breakfast, at the Autumn Years Rest Home.

“Excuse me, everyone. I have a very special friend who is coming over to tour this facility. I really want her to live here. She will be here later this afternoon. Can you please help me? Dress up. And be kind and gentile.”

“Huh? Gentile? And dress up? What the hell?”

“Cool it Wolf. My friend is extremely well versed. She wants to be with others who share her dreams and desires. We would be so blessed to have her living here.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So what’s her name?”

“Alice.”

“What a hoot. Alice in Wonderland. Ok Pat. We will be on our best behavior.”

At 2pm, Alice entered the Home.

She approached the receptionist:

“Hello. I am Alice. I am here as a special and valued guest. I am looking for my dear friend Pat. Please let her know that I have entered the building.”

Pat rushed up to the reception area. “Oh Alice. How very very wonderful to see you again. Please let me show you around.”

“Thank you Pat. I am pleased to be here. I cherish my moments with you and your extended family. You wouldn’t happen to have a scooter or wheel chair to make my tour more comfortable, would you?”

Pat began the tour, wheeling and showing Alice the great room, the TV room and the game room. When the ladies entered the dining room, the residents were enjoying an afternoon delight of chocolate pudding and almond cookies. Pat brought Alice to the front of the room and exclaimed, “Here she is everyone. My dear friend, Alice. Please welcome her.”

Alice spoke up next. “Good afternoon, all. I am so delighted to be here, to live in the moment, and, quoting a great poet, “And in the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and the sharing of pleasures, for in the dew of little things, the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.”

Wolf spoke up: “Oh yes, right. Kalil Gibran, right? You must be a left over hippie, like the rest of us goofs. Welcome to the world of left overs and broken hips. Don’t be afraid to let one fly, honey. We ancient folk have no secrets here. And I must say, you do look like you have an enormous amount of built up gas.”

Alice was astounded at the audacity. She turned to Pat and said, “Oh dear. Who is that woman? And what is she talking about? Gas? Whatever does she mean? How very mundane.”

The group erupted in raucous laughter and Gordon walked up to greet Alice. “Hey foxy mama, I think you and I have met before. Maybe in another life? You sure do remind me of my life time partner, Elton John. Those glasses and that outfit! Wow! Typical early EJ. You rock, woman.”

Alice looked astounded and pretended to have a fit. Pat whisked her off to the waiting taxi. The group heard Alice exclaim, “Why I never! You have nerve, Bitch, inviting me to this….this..freak show.”

Minnie turned to Wolf and said, “Did you hear that? She called Pat a B. No class. No class whatsoever.”

“Right on, Minnie. And after we all got dressed up in our stretch pants and fleece tops to impress her. Class-less. Phony. And you know what? When she left, I heard her tooting her ass off.”

Wolf

Toto

The women of the Autumn Years Rest Home volunteer for many civic projects. Wolf’s specialty is working with the youngsters at the local grade school. She boards the bus with the students and makes sure that everyone is on the bus en route to school.

“Hi Gus. Happy Monday. Are we ready for another week?”

“Oh yeah. Hi Wolf. I am ready if you are.”

“Let’s rock and roll. First stop, we should be picking up Tony and Melissa.”

“Here they are. Come on kiddies. Upsy daisy.”

“Next stop, Jackson and Mika.”

“Yup. Jack and Mika, on board.”

“Ok Gus. Next, our dear little Winter.”

“I don’t see her. What the hell? Her dog, Toto is here, but no Winter.”

“Hey Gus, Toto just boarded the bus. He is sitting in Winter’s seat. What a hoot.”

“Well, I’ll be darned. What the heck is that all about?”

“Look at that crazy dog. He is sitting there, in Winter’s seat. I really think that dog is a whack job.”

“Wait Wolf. He just rang the bell. He wants to get off.”

“Let him go. See if he gets off.”

Toto waited by the exit and left the bus. The other students were accounted for, and Wolf completed her job. On the ride back to the Home, she spotted Toto, in a cop car. He was in the back seat. She asked Gus to motion the police to pull over.

“That dog, Toto. Where are you taking him?”

The cops replied, “Back home. We know this dog. He is a celebrity around here, always in trouble.”

When they reached Winter’s home, Toto barked, got out of the car and went to the front door. Winter was standing there, with a frightened look on her face.

“Wow! Thank you so much. My mom is very sick. Our phone is not working. We need an ambulance. How did you know?”

The police responded to the emergency and Winter’s mom was whisked to the hospital. Her gall bladder was ready to erupt. The operation was a success.

The news media reported:

“Dog boards school bus, exits, then gets arrested, to save Mom’s life.”

The next day, Gus and Wolf see Toto, waiting for the school bus. They let him board. He rides to school every day now. And the kids have adopted him as their mascot. If only he would quit ringing that bell.

Wolf