Is this the bus to Philadelphia?

“So, how was the party, Wolf?”

 

“Uhm, I missed the bus and almost didn’t make it.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“I was at the bus terminal, outside, reading a book.  My bus was scheduled to leave at 5pm.  A bus showed up, but it was a bus to Philadelphia.  I sure as hell didn’t want to go to Philly, so I watched the people board, kept reading my book, and waited. And waited.”

 

“You mean your bus never showed up?”

 

“Yeah, it showed up.  It was the bus to Philadelphia.  How did I know it was the bus that stopped at the casino?”

 

“So you waited for the next bus?”

 

“No, Minnie.  That was the last bus.”

 

“How did you get there?”

 

“I took the bus to New York  City.”

 

“What the hell?  The party was in Pennsylvania, at the casino, and you went to New York?”

 

“Fortunately, for me, I had been talking to a young kid, who had creases in his shirt and pants, and he told me he went to school as a kid, in Jamaica,  with no shoes, but his pants and shirts had to have creases. I guess he carried that over to his adult life.”

 

“What’s he got to do with a bus to New York?”

 

“Hold your horses.  Then another kid showed up and he told me he was the replacement driver, to New York, in case the first bus was full.”

 

‘I don’t get it.”

 

“He saw me trying to figure out the bus schedule and he told me the sad news:  You missed the last bus.”

 

“So, you didn’t go to the party?”

 

“No, then the Jamaican kid showed up and he was the driver of the NYC bus, and the two of them put their heads together and told me to board the NY bus, and not to get off the bus at the Hellertown bus stop, but to stay on, until he stopped the bus at the gas station up the street and I could go there and get a cab to the casino, since it was only 5 miles away.”

 

“Oh brother.”

 

“Well, I got off the bus at the gas station, and went inside, and called the 3 cab companies in the area, and all them told me the same thing:  “No cab for at least 2 hours.”

 

“So you were stuck at the gas station?”

 

“No, I called MCat, at her party and told her I was in Hellertown, at the Turkey Hill, and could not get to the party for 2 hours or more, and I would miss the dinner party.”

 

“Oh for nuts.”

 

“Yup.  Then the phone rang at the Turkey Hill, and it was MCat. Snow and George were on their way to the party and would pick me up.”

 

“Well, that was a lucky break.”

 

“It certainly was.  So I got to the dinner party, ate, and immediately hightailed it to the casino.  From that point on, I can only say, I had a wonderful time, and didn’t get to the room until 4am.”

 

“Did the whole party stay up til 4am?”

 

“Hell, no.  Only MCat and I.  The 2 old goats. We outlasted all the youngsters, and giggled all the way to our room, which, by the way, was quite a journey.  Neither of us could remember how to get back to the hotel.”

“Did you miss the bus back home?”

 

“George and Snow took me home.  They said they didn’t trust me riding the bus.  I might end up in Ohio.”

 

“Have you considered you might be getting too old to travel by yourself?  It’s a tough world out there.  And what are you doing talking to all those people you meet at the bus depot?”

 

“Hey, if I hadn’t, I would still be waiting for the next bus.”

 

Wolf

 

Roses and storms never last forever, do they?

Observations on a Thursday:

 

Everyone screws up, sometime.

 

When a road is closed, it’s closed.

 

Roses don’t last forever.

 

Never go anywhere without an umbrella.

 

The birth of a grand child can change your world.

 

Laughter is contagious.

 

When you need something, ask for it.

 

A friend is a treasure.

 

Don’t be too full of yourself.

 

Depression is contagious.

 

Learn to say no.

 

Listen to others.

 

Don’t hang  out with negative people.

 

Some people have hidden agendas.

 

We all want to be special.

 

Be generous with your complements.

 

Lose yourself in a book or in music.

 

Take time for you.

 

Share what you have.

 

Smile at strangers.

 

Find a common bond with others.

 

There is beauty around you, relish it.

 

Worrying won’t change a thing.

 

Give up what makes you unhappy.

 

You always have a choice.

 

Live in the moment, not the past or the future.

 

Be kind.

 

Be yourself. You are unique.

 

There is always one in every crowd.

 

And, finally, shut up, Pat.

 

 

Wolf

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pain relief

Conversation on break:

 

“I am hurting so bad.  I went to the dentist, had a root canal. I was in the chair for 5 hours.  I am in pain. Do not go to that dentist. He is a hustler.  I need pain meds. He won’t answer his phone.  I am miserable.”

 

“Someone said if you want to get relief from a bad tooth, gargle with mouth wash.”

 

“Are you kidding?  Gargle with whiskey. No, on second thought, drink whiskey.”

 

“The best relief is salt water. It relieves the pain.”

 

“I was in the chair for 5 hours.  I didn’t get home til 730pm.”

 

“Oh yeah?  I don’t get home until 730pm, every night. I stop at the bar, to relieve tooth pain.”

 

“That dentist is a quack.  He couldn’t do a root canal in 5 hours?”

 

“Did he tie a string around your tooth and tie it to the door knob?  He was probably waiting for the next patient to open the door and put you out of misery.  Too bad he doesn’t have more patients.”

 

“You look like a chipmunk.  Why don’t you gather some nuts and hunker down for a few months?”

 

“Not funny.  I paid a lot of money, to sit in that chair for 5 hours.”

 

“Whatever you do, don’t eat any nuts.”

 

“I am in so much pain, does anyone have any percosets?”

 

“No, but I have weed.”

 

“My daughter had a root canal. She hasn’t been right since.”

 

“I haven’t been right since I started smoking weed.”

 

“My daughter has swollen gums.  She got them after she had a root canal.”

 

“My gums are shot. Too much weed.”

 

“I don’t know if I can work.  I am in too much pain. Look at me.  My face is so blown up, I feel like a blimp head.”

 

“Yeah, well, our break is over. Damn dentists.”

 

“If you can’t trust a dentist, who can you trust?”

 

“My weed dealer.”

 

Wolf

Hey, Alice, what’s it like in Wonderland?

“How did it feel to get back to the grind?”

 

“I was in an introspective mood, Minnie, listening to the flow of my precious bodily fluids.”

 
“What?  You drank too much coffee?”

 

“I was attempting to keep the calm alive.  It felt so good to relax this weekend, I didn’t want to fluff up my usual anxiety.  I tried to keep it in check.”

 

“Did it work?”

 

“I was on a roll, taking everything in stride.  And then Pat started in.  “Geez, it is quiet here today.  Did you have a nice weekend?  I am knitting a baby blanket.  My refrigerator is acting up.  My air conditioner is shot.  Are you awake over there?  What do you mean you are trying to read a book on your lunch hour?  Fudge bucket.  I have had it.  I quit.  Mother of !!!  I have another conference call.  This day is a disaster.  Did you know there is a severe thunder storm warning?”

 

“Did you respond?”

 

“No.  I just grunted.  And tried to imagine myself on a beach, with my feet in the sand, drinking a pina colada with a tiny umbrella.”

 

“That must have quieted your bodily fluids.”

 

“It did, until the phone started ringing, and the emails rushed in.  I had to eat a half of a watermelon, to regain my composure.”

 

“You ate all of it?”

 

“Hell no.  Pat bounced over and indulged, asking me if I was having a rough day, and why was it so damn quiet in the office, and by the way, she finally started taking her arthritis meds, and could I please take her orders up to prepress.”

 

“Come on, Wolf.  She was just lonely.  A quiet day in that goofy office is a silent warning, that something ain’t quite right.”

 

“Well, then MCat strolled in and she was in a twirl.  Crabby Appleton.  Annoyed.  Irritated and foaming at the mouth. She thought for sure I had croaked or something over the weekend and would miss her birthday party.  I just told her I was in a pensive mood, listening to my bodily fluids.”

 

“I don’t get it.  What’s with the bodily fluids thing?”

 

“Dr. Strangelove, Minnie.  I love that movie.  If you disturb my precious bodily fluids,  I could go absolutely mad and destroy Pat’s baby blanket and Mcat’s birthday party, not to mention Inspector Clousseau.”

 

“Haven’t you heard, Wolf?  Peter Sellers died.  The pink panther ate him and his bodily fluids.  Devoured him like a dead ant.”

 

“Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant.  I think they played that at his funeral.  Such a loving tribute.”

 

“Oh for crazy!”

 

“Just remember this Minnie: Mad hatters may die, but they live forever in Wonderland.”

 

 

Wolf

 

 

 

 

 

The queen bee stands alone

“If you could choose, would you be a male or a female?”

 

“Nobody is completely one or the other, Minnie. Both genders exist in all of us.”

 

“Are you saying there is no difference between a man and a woman?”

 

“Other than the obvious physical attributes, very little.”

 

“Then why are men paid more than women?  And why can’t women become priests?  And in some countries, the women have to cover up, to hide their identity?”

 

“It has nothing to do with anything, Minnie, except tradition and power.  At one time, men were at the top of their game, and made these rules. Civilization and laws have nothing to do with reality.”

 

“I see a difference in the animal kingdom, Wolf.  Male geese protect their mates when they are waiting for the young to be born.  Male cats are more territorial than female cats.  The alpha male becomes the king of the lion kingdom.”

 

“And the queen bee stands alone.”

 

“There has never been a female president.”

 

“Don’t be naïve, Minnie.  Behind every president was the first lady, who was the chief confidante and advisor.”

 

“Are people really attracted to opposites?”

 

“No.  We search for someone who is just like us.   Oh sure, there are dreams of having a person who will complete us, in every way, but if you have noticed, after awhile, mates begin to look alike and act alike.”

 

“Don’t you ever want to have a man who will take care of you?”

 

“I prefer to be responsible for myself.  And believe me, that is not an easy task. I am a mess. But I throw on my male mask every week and take out the trash, pump gas, and stop for a few beers after work.”

 

“Do you have any female attributes?”

 

“Yeah.  I have a dress I have never worn.  And you know what?  I don’t even like it.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“I prefer jeans.”

 

“Why jeans?”

 

“Haven’t you noticed, Minnie?  Jeans are now the favs of men and women.  Integration, Minnie.  We are becoming equals.”

 

“You mean it all it took to equalize men and women was a pair of pants?”

 

“Almost.  One other thing:  We women have grown a set of balls.”

 

“Oh for crazy!”

 

“It is a little crazy, Minnie.  I hate to admit it, but I have jock itch.”

 

Wolf

 

 

 

 

Chubs

“Hey, I heard that your partner, the chubby little  kid is leaving your account.”

 

“Yeah.  She is moving on up.”

 

“I bet she is celebrating this weekend. She can finally work with people who have all their marbles.”

 

“I used to have marbles, Minnie, but something happened on the way to the pub.”

 

“Did you know that drinking can destroy the good marbles?  And when they are gone, you are a lunatic?”

 

“Well, my account requires lunacy.  The fewer the marbles, the better.  Chubs still has a few left, but after working with me, mighty few.”

 

“Why don’t you just suck it up and congratulate her? After all, she has a career ahead of her.  You, on the other hand, are hopeless.”

 

“Hey!  I admit to having no marbles, but hopeless?  I have hope that her successor can’t wait to work with a fabulous mentor, the queen of the idiots.”

 

“Just what will Chubs be doing?”

 

“Working on pest control.”

 

“What the hell?”

 

“Yeah.  My days are limited Minnie.  Why the hell did she have to get that account?”

 

“Could it be a conspiracy?”

 

“You know, you could be right.  I saw her yesterday, in the grassy knoll.”

 

“Doing what?”

 

“Looking for marbles.”

 

Wolf

 

Go ahead and jump

“It was a ghost town at work today, Minnie.  And the ghosts were brutal.  I expected Friday to be a relatively stress free day.  Wrong again.”

 

“Hey, Wolf, get a grip.  It’s the Friday before a holiday weekend.  Lighten up.  Chill.  You should have breezed through the day.”

 

“Exactly.  Should have.  I walked in this morning, wearing my Uncle Sam hat, ready for a breezy day.  And then havoc reigned supreme.  Where’s this? Where’s that?  This is late. This is unacceptable.  Who is your manager?  If you don’t deliver, today, I am escalating.  Who died and made you the idiot of the village?  I am going on vacation in one hour and I need an answer before I leave.  What do you mean FEDEX doesn’t deliver on the holiday?  We can’t possibly wait until Tuesday.  Do you want us to go out of business?  We could lose this customer. and it will be your fault.  Where have you been?  What do you mean you were on a lunch break?  I sent you an email 10 minutes ago, and no response.  Can you please do the needful thing and give up your first born?”

 

“Well, Wolf.  You thrive on chaos.  So what’s the problem?”

 

“I don’t have a first born, Minnie.”

 

“Hmmm. I guess that means you couldn’t do the needful thing.”

 

“No matter what I did today, I kept digging a bigger hole.  I should have jumped in it.  But I couldn’t do it.  I was waiting for Pat to go to Taco Bell to get us Chalupas, with hot sauce.  But she ate a huge apple cinnamon  bun this morning, and had a sugar high, so she waited until I was famished before she left.  I was so close to jumping in the hole, Minnie.  It was a toss up: To jump or to beat the crap out of Pat.”

 

“And?”

 

“I jumped, Minnie.  And after I ate my chalupas, I beat the crap out of Pat.”

 

“Why take out your frustrations on Pat?”

 

“Excuse me!  I told you it was a ghost town.  She was one of the few who happened to be there.  Motive, opportunity and means. She was in the right place at the wrong time.  Or is it the wrong place at the right time?”

 

“Could it be your were in the wrong place at the wrong time?”

 

“I hate it when you fluff up the truth, Minnie.  In reality, people get goofy on the Fridays before a holiday. Anyone with any sense would take the day off.”

 

“So, why didn’t you take it off?”

 

“What?  And miss an opportunity to eat chalupas?”

 

Wolf

Nothing lasts forever

“It was a dark and stormy day.”

 

“Who do you think you are, Wolf? Snoopy?”

 

“I want to know. Have you ever seen the rain?  Coming down on a sunny day?”

 

“This area is on alert, you idiot, for severe weather. The more sun during the day, the more the storms heat up and explode.”

 

“Storms never last forever, do they Minnie?”

 

“Nothing lasts forever, Wolf.  Not storms, sun or you.”

 

“I believe in yesterday, Minnie, when tramps like us were born to run.”

 

“Yeah, running on empty.”

 

“All I want to do is have some fun.”

 

“Dream on, girl.  Go on a magic carpet ride.”

 

“Do you believe in magic?”

 

“Only when I am burning my fuse out there alone.”

 

“You know, Wolf, wise men say only fools rush in.”

 

“Hell, put on your red shoes and dance the blues.”

 

“Are you blowing smoke again, Wolf? Why do you drink?”

 

“Constant craving.”

 

“I think the rain has stopped.  At last.”

 

“I’m no stranger to the rain, Minnie.  But sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy.”

 

“Tomorrow, Wolf, tomorrow the sun will come out tomorrow.”

 

“Imagine!”

 

Wolf

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not the brightest bulb…

“Have you considered that you might be a little slow, Wolf?”

 

“Could you repeat that Minnie?  I didn’t quite get it.”

 

“See what I mean.  You don’t get it.  You are way out there girl.”

 

“What don’t I get?”

 

“Well, for starters, you have been working on the same old account for 14 years.  Don’t you get bored?  And don’t you ever wish you could do something different?  You are in a rut, Wolf.  Your co workers are given new exciting ventures and there you are, stuck in a time warp.  Do you think you may be in a dead end situation?”

 

“Hey, hey, my, my.  In every life, there are the years when you are an apprentice, the years you advance and then there are the years you finally get the job that is the best fit for whoever or whatever you are.  Remember that old song by Frank Sinatra?  It was a very good year?  When I was 17, it was a very good year….”

 

“Yeah, so?”

 

“Well, when I was 17, I was in college, and working and playing in the symphony.  And when I was 25, I landed a management position.  At 35, the world was my oyster.  I had it all.  Or did I?   My husband died and I moved to the East Coast, hanging on to a career I no longer loved.  I quit, Minnie.  And I traveled for a few years. And now, here I am,  working on the same account, remarried, and living a life of debauchery.”

 

“I don’t get it.”

 

“Have you considered that you might be a little slow, Minnie?”

 

“Uhm, isn’t that what I just asked you?”

 

“My life has changed, over the years.  I guess I have too. I happen to love my old 14 year account. It feels good.  I never get bored, and I have plenty of time for debauchery.  There is something special about being content with what one has.”

 

“What about the rest of your life, Wolf?  Don’t you feel you have missed something?”

 

“Let me think about that, Minnie.  You know, I am a little slow.”

 

 

Wolf

Bring it on

“And your day?”

 

“Don’t ask, Minnie.  I really don’t care to reflect on it.  Living through it once was enough.  Some days everything clicks.  Others, well…the demons fall out of the sky and fly around the moon on broom sticks.  On a sunny day, dark clouds gather.  It rains on parades.  Birds swoop down and peck at your lunch.  The abnormal becomes normal.  When you think that it just could not get any worse, the worst happens.  Priorities take a back seat to putting out fires.  People are crabby and unreasonable.  A sneezing frenzy took over the office. It got so bad, no one even bothered to say ‘bless you.'”

 

“Maybe there is a virus going around.”

 

“No, Minnie.  Think about it.  The last holiday we had was New Year’s day.  The country is anticipating the Memorial Day weekend.  We are tired and restless.  5 months, Minnie.  And finally we get an extra day off.  It was a brutal winter.   We long for warmer sunny days.  The week before a holiday drags.  We don’t want problems. We want freedom and fun.  We can’t wait for the long weekend.”

 

“One day off can really make a difference, Wolf?  It is only one of many.  And what could happen to change your life in one day?”

 

“If we only knew, Minnie.  Some day that day will come. And we will be changed forever.”

 

“Well, you have 3 more days to work this week, Wolf.  I hope those days will be better for you.”

 

“You know what?  I hope nothing changes.  Bring it on.  At least for tomorrow.”

 

Wolf